I have to study for an exam in my research methods class, but I'm doing everything in my power to procrastinate. So here I am.
Apparently I have an exam in research methods tomorrow, and two exams on Wednesday (one in statistics and the other in child development). All courses I need to take in order to remain a psych major. Which means I'm kicking myself for not being a carefree English major. I can talk Shakespeare until I'm blue in the face, but all this analytic nonsense is... well... analytic nonsense. I'll do fine though, because I am genuinely interested in the subjects (for the most part... the intricacies of the APA Ethical Code are only so interesting though... but I definitely understand the necessity in it).
I have a meeting of the executive board of the GSA in an hour, which will kill more study time. And then I have to stand guard in the lower student union from 9-midnight in the event that anyone from campus wants a board game or to watch movies on the big screen. But I'll be doing homework that entire time, so it will at least be semi productive.
I got another email expressing interest in the GSA today from a girl I've seen around campus, who I know is painfully not out. I was actually really thrilled that it was from her because I am starting this club with the hope that the GSA will be a safe environment for people coming to terms with their sexuality. I know how hard it is when you're so sure of who you are, but you can't bear to face the reactions of others. This club certainly isn't about outing people, either. I would never out someone, particularly when it is painfully obvious that they aren't ready to be out. But it's so sad to watch. I remember coming to college, already out to several of my closest friends, already completely sure of who I am. I thought I totally accepted myself, and that everyone else would too. Unfortunately, I felt like I couldn't be out at school, and so I didn't tell anyone, until it all reached its boiling point and I had to be out. I don't want that to happen to anyone else, though I know it happens all the time. I want this school to let everyone know that it is okay to be who you are, and that everyone will be appreciated no matter what, which is how I feel now. But it's how I should have felt as an incoming freshman. I guess the long and short of it is I'm trying to spare the freshman some of the tribulations I went though. But I understand that we all need to make our own mistakes, no one else can make them for us, unfortunately.
In any event I'm totally excited about the GSA, in case it's not obvious. Totally not excited at all about three exams in the next two days, but it'll be okay. Everything is always okay.
Showing posts with label coming out. Show all posts
Showing posts with label coming out. Show all posts
Monday, September 29, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Ironic Spontaneity Rant Extraordinaire
It seems funny to me that nothing is ever spontaneous in my life. Everything is always planned well in advance, there are no mysteries. I couldn't even come out to my mother spontaneously, I had to carefully plan out not only what I was going to say to her but also all of the potential responses she would have and my reaction(s). I guess it's true, we do turn into our parents. There is no one more overly-analytical than my mother, except for me.
That being said I'm pretty freakin excited about going into Boston to see some small town band play this coming Friday, it should be a great time. And then Saturday is... TEGAN AND SARA! I have been DYING of anticipation all summer for this concert. I will probably faint and cry like a little school girl.
And the following weekend is Canadian Thanksgiving so the madre and I are trekking up to the great white north for family time and home cooked meals mmmm. There is honestly nowhere in the world that I love more than Newfoundland. It's just a brilliant place, beyond gorgeous. It's usually not too cold this time of year, which is good because I'm more of a Florida girl. But Florida doesn't have scenery like this:
or this:
I'm pretty excited about the "upcoming events," if you will.
I was asked to be on the student athlete advisory committee here at school, (the acronym is SAAC, which makes me gafaw every time) which is just another thing to add to my already outrageous schedule. But somehow I am ahead in my work, and currently working on Thursday's assignments... Busting my ass to get stuff done last night was super successful and very productive.
And people are so so so interested in the GSA, which is great and I'm so glad. I was talking to the madre about it yesterday, and I told her I was kind of wary in telling her that I was starting a GSA here. She said I need to trust her, that she is fine with it and I need to cut her a break. She's not going to freak out because she is totally fine with the fact that I am and have always been gay. She's not shocked that I'm gay, she is shocked that I kept it from her.
I guess maybe I'm the one having difficulties here in that, I've known I was gay for so long and I've kept it hidden from her for so long that it is hard for me to be honest with her and to let her into my life. Which is really sad, but I think it's the truth. I can't call her up on the phone and tell her all about the girl I like or what my crazy ex girlfriend did this time or how much it hurts when people say cruel things like "just move to Canada" or when I find out that I am distinguished by my out-ness and not by my personality as a human being.
I think that's the scariest part of being gay and of being out. It's a toss up whether people are going to recognise you for what you contribute to their lives by virtue of your human-ness, or if they are going to see everything you do, everything you are, everything you will potentially do, as being directly influenced by your being gay. Maybe it's just an age thing, maybe college students still haven't gotten a grasp on the fact that very few things are a result of your orientation, your gender, your race, your ethnicity.
I'm starting the GSA at school because I want there to be a safe environment for gay students, supportive students, bi student, trans students, etc. etc. It's too scary to be thrust into college, just when you're starting to be comfortable with who you are. There need to be people here who are approachable and friendly and understanding who have been through it, who know what it's like, and who will listen. We need to do things that prove that we're not just "different," we're fun, active, adventurous, talented, goofy and always learning too. I'm gay, but that's not all there is to me. When people see me walking down the road or sitting in the library or eating lunch with my friends I want them to know I'm not just the gay chick, I'm Rachel, I play lacrosse for Team Awesome, I save frogs and worms when it rains, I love the violin, I try to be insightful in class but often fail miserably, but I'm always smiling, and I have the best movie collection on campus.
I didn't begin writing this for it to turn into a rant about the GSA or about my feelings on out-ness, but I guess that's what it turned in to. C'est la vie. Happy new week, hope it's great all around!
That being said I'm pretty freakin excited about going into Boston to see some small town band play this coming Friday, it should be a great time. And then Saturday is... TEGAN AND SARA! I have been DYING of anticipation all summer for this concert. I will probably faint and cry like a little school girl.
And the following weekend is Canadian Thanksgiving so the madre and I are trekking up to the great white north for family time and home cooked meals mmmm. There is honestly nowhere in the world that I love more than Newfoundland. It's just a brilliant place, beyond gorgeous. It's usually not too cold this time of year, which is good because I'm more of a Florida girl. But Florida doesn't have scenery like this:
or this:
I'm pretty excited about the "upcoming events," if you will.
I was asked to be on the student athlete advisory committee here at school, (the acronym is SAAC, which makes me gafaw every time) which is just another thing to add to my already outrageous schedule. But somehow I am ahead in my work, and currently working on Thursday's assignments... Busting my ass to get stuff done last night was super successful and very productive.
And people are so so so interested in the GSA, which is great and I'm so glad. I was talking to the madre about it yesterday, and I told her I was kind of wary in telling her that I was starting a GSA here. She said I need to trust her, that she is fine with it and I need to cut her a break. She's not going to freak out because she is totally fine with the fact that I am and have always been gay. She's not shocked that I'm gay, she is shocked that I kept it from her.
I guess maybe I'm the one having difficulties here in that, I've known I was gay for so long and I've kept it hidden from her for so long that it is hard for me to be honest with her and to let her into my life. Which is really sad, but I think it's the truth. I can't call her up on the phone and tell her all about the girl I like or what my crazy ex girlfriend did this time or how much it hurts when people say cruel things like "just move to Canada" or when I find out that I am distinguished by my out-ness and not by my personality as a human being.
I think that's the scariest part of being gay and of being out. It's a toss up whether people are going to recognise you for what you contribute to their lives by virtue of your human-ness, or if they are going to see everything you do, everything you are, everything you will potentially do, as being directly influenced by your being gay. Maybe it's just an age thing, maybe college students still haven't gotten a grasp on the fact that very few things are a result of your orientation, your gender, your race, your ethnicity.
I'm starting the GSA at school because I want there to be a safe environment for gay students, supportive students, bi student, trans students, etc. etc. It's too scary to be thrust into college, just when you're starting to be comfortable with who you are. There need to be people here who are approachable and friendly and understanding who have been through it, who know what it's like, and who will listen. We need to do things that prove that we're not just "different," we're fun, active, adventurous, talented, goofy and always learning too. I'm gay, but that's not all there is to me. When people see me walking down the road or sitting in the library or eating lunch with my friends I want them to know I'm not just the gay chick, I'm Rachel, I play lacrosse for Team Awesome, I save frogs and worms when it rains, I love the violin, I try to be insightful in class but often fail miserably, but I'm always smiling, and I have the best movie collection on campus.
I didn't begin writing this for it to turn into a rant about the GSA or about my feelings on out-ness, but I guess that's what it turned in to. C'est la vie. Happy new week, hope it's great all around!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
To The Stars
The best part of living in the sticks: you never want for stars.
I drove back to campus with my sunroof open, my windows rolled down, and the stars lighting my way home.
It was very nice to see my niece and nephew tonight. For the better part of the evening I had one on each arm, curled up next to me in a chair watching a movie. I do love them a lot, and I want them to have the best lives they possibly can.
My sister's mother (she's my half sister) made me a necklace with a rainbow bead (she makes beads out of glass, they're very very cool). Considering she only found out that I'm gay at most a week ago, I am impressed at how expeditiously she works. And also very touched that she thought of me to make a bead.
I'm very pleased with the way things turned out. No one cares, which is exactly what I wanted to happen. Things with the madre are very good, better than when she didn't know. Things are just normal, which is so so so nice.
It's 10:30 and I am passing out after the longest day evah.
I drove back to campus with my sunroof open, my windows rolled down, and the stars lighting my way home.
It was very nice to see my niece and nephew tonight. For the better part of the evening I had one on each arm, curled up next to me in a chair watching a movie. I do love them a lot, and I want them to have the best lives they possibly can.
My sister's mother (she's my half sister) made me a necklace with a rainbow bead (she makes beads out of glass, they're very very cool). Considering she only found out that I'm gay at most a week ago, I am impressed at how expeditiously she works. And also very touched that she thought of me to make a bead.
I'm very pleased with the way things turned out. No one cares, which is exactly what I wanted to happen. Things with the madre are very good, better than when she didn't know. Things are just normal, which is so so so nice.
It's 10:30 and I am passing out after the longest day evah.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
And So It Goes
Apparently she called 2ish hours ago (it's 11:30 now) and I missed the call, but she left a message. She said something along the lines of she is neither shocked nor surprised, but she would like to have this conversation face to face.
She assured me that she loves me, several times.
She also wondered if, and I quote, I wasn't "mistaken" and if I hadn't "sought counseling for this issue."
Which makes me laugh because I would need counseling if I wasn't out. I might need counseling if my mother can't accept me (which I think she will), but probably not, because I don't need her approval, I just need for her to know.
So now she knows.
And life goes on.
She assured me that she loves me, several times.
She also wondered if, and I quote, I wasn't "mistaken" and if I hadn't "sought counseling for this issue."
Which makes me laugh because I would need counseling if I wasn't out. I might need counseling if my mother can't accept me (which I think she will), but probably not, because I don't need her approval, I just need for her to know.
So now she knows.
And life goes on.
This is Crazy
Sent it before I left at 5:30
It is now 9:06... oh seven... oh eight... oh nine...
Called her to tell her I was back safe and sound, traffic was a nightmare, but the drive was easy enough for the 1,000,001 time.
She was getting ready to settle in for the night. I told her to check her email. She said she would.
She checked it.
And I haven't heard from her yet. She didn't email me back, or call me, or IM me, or text me. She hasn't showed up at my door either.
Should I not be freaking out? Cause I'm not freaking out... but I am. If I don't hear from her before I go to sleep tonight, I will be on edge all night and all day tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to do. It's an inconvenient time for her to find out, but there is no convenient time for me to tell her, or for her to hear it. We both have busy lives and dozens of things happening at once. Now she knows and that's that. I just want her to respond to me, in some way, soon. Just talk to me.
At this point I don't regret it, but I see myself regretting telling her in the very near future.
It is now 9:06... oh seven... oh eight... oh nine...
Called her to tell her I was back safe and sound, traffic was a nightmare, but the drive was easy enough for the 1,000,001 time.
She was getting ready to settle in for the night. I told her to check her email. She said she would.
She checked it.
And I haven't heard from her yet. She didn't email me back, or call me, or IM me, or text me. She hasn't showed up at my door either.
Should I not be freaking out? Cause I'm not freaking out... but I am. If I don't hear from her before I go to sleep tonight, I will be on edge all night and all day tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to do. It's an inconvenient time for her to find out, but there is no convenient time for me to tell her, or for her to hear it. We both have busy lives and dozens of things happening at once. Now she knows and that's that. I just want her to respond to me, in some way, soon. Just talk to me.
At this point I don't regret it, but I see myself regretting telling her in the very near future.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Step 3: Coming Out to the Family
I came out to my sister tonight.
Officially. None of this "oh of course she knows" bullshit.
I told her, and she knows, and she will always know, and life can go on.
I want to puke, but I stopped shaking finally. I never felt this way before. I got excited when I first started coming out, but this is a different feeling entirely.
My big sister, who I've always admired and looked up to, the first person in my family who I've sat down and had this conversation with.
I always assumed they all knew. As she said "It's unexpected, but not surprising," which I guess catches me off guard. I assumed they knew because I never hid it, I just never talked about it.
But now, soon enough, the whole family will know. It feels so good to have told her though, and to be talking with her about it. Now I have someone in my family, someone who I trust, someone who watched me grow up and help my hand at our father's funeral, who knows that I'm gay, and that I'm out and that I'm proud. And she respects me and she loves me for me. It feels so fucking good.
I'm telling my mother on Sunday. I have an email drafted to her, because I am not brave enough to tell her face to face. I don't really care about bravery. It's easier for me to get my thoughts out when typing. I'd stutter all over the place any other way.
Here's the email I have drafted to my mother:
Mom,
Hi, it’s Rachel. Hope you’re having a wonderful day.
I’ve been trying to figure out a way to tell you something for a while now. Should I tell you when we’re driving, or when we’re out to dinner, or when we’re watching a movie or swimming or any number of the things we do together. But I’m too cowardly it seems to simply tell you. So here goes nothing. Mom, I’m gay.
I never imagined “coming out” to you in an email. To be honest I never really gave coming out to you very much thought, until recently.
I really hope this isn’t a shock to you, and I don’t think it will be. You know me better than anyone knows me. You know I haven’t dated a boy since I was a sophomore in high school, or even really mentioned “liking” a boy for a long time. The fact of the matter is, I don’t like boys and I never really did. Boys have always been friends for me, and many of my best friends have been and are boys. But I’m not attracted to boys. I have always been attracted to girls, and it was only recently (later in high school) that I came to the realization that I was gay and that it was okay.
I’ve been pretty certain I was gay since I was fifteen. I came to terms with it by myself by the end of senior year. It’s not a phase, and it’s not something I take lightly. It is a part of my life, yet at the same time it isn’t. I don’t feel like I should have to come out to people. Being gay is the same as being straight. I, like many people, am attracted to women. Some people like men, some people like women. I happen to fall into the latter category. But I’m also a Christian, and a student, an American, a woman, a daughter, a friend.
I wanted very badly to tell you, to talk with you about it. It’s very lonely to think that you did something wrong or it’s your fault or you won’t be accepted by the people you love the most in the world. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t really care what other people think about me, even the people who I care most about. I value your opinion a lot, obviously, because you’re my mother. But I don’t feel like I need to justify something about myself over which I have no control. I’m gay, but that’s not who I am entirely. I’m Rachel, I’m the daughter of Stephanie and Jerry. I love my family and friends. I love to learn and laugh and live.
It’s scary when you’re young and you feel like the whole world is against you. In many ways the whole world is against the gay community, but there are many, many people who are not against us. It isn’t a matter of trust that I didn’t tell you sooner, it’s a matter of being ashamed, of feeling like I did something wrong.
But I’m not ashamed, and I’m not going to hide who I am. I am me, and I am a beautiful and wonderful person who has as much to bring to the world as a heterosexual person. I love everyone for who they are and what they contribute to the lives of others, regardless of race, gender or orientation. I expect the same courtesy from others, but I know not everyone is so optimistic about the goodness in people.
I trust that you will continue to love me as much as you have loved me for the past nineteen years.
I love you mom, and I always have and always will. You made me the strong person I have become. I can face anything, but I’d rather face things with you at my side.
I’m not looking for anything from you in telling you this about me. I simply think you deserve to know, and that I need for you to know in order that I can grow as a person and we can both move on with our lives.
I’m the same person you talked to on the phone yesterday, the same person you kissed goodnight for nineteen years, the same girl who plays the violin, the same girl who loves watching Princess Diaries with her favorite person in the world. I’m good enough for me, and it is my opinion that I am more than good enough for the world. I love myself and I’m happy with my life. I think that’s the best anyone can hope for in life.
I love you.
- Rach
http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=539
Officially. None of this "oh of course she knows" bullshit.
I told her, and she knows, and she will always know, and life can go on.
I want to puke, but I stopped shaking finally. I never felt this way before. I got excited when I first started coming out, but this is a different feeling entirely.
My big sister, who I've always admired and looked up to, the first person in my family who I've sat down and had this conversation with.
I always assumed they all knew. As she said "It's unexpected, but not surprising," which I guess catches me off guard. I assumed they knew because I never hid it, I just never talked about it.
But now, soon enough, the whole family will know. It feels so good to have told her though, and to be talking with her about it. Now I have someone in my family, someone who I trust, someone who watched me grow up and help my hand at our father's funeral, who knows that I'm gay, and that I'm out and that I'm proud. And she respects me and she loves me for me. It feels so fucking good.
I'm telling my mother on Sunday. I have an email drafted to her, because I am not brave enough to tell her face to face. I don't really care about bravery. It's easier for me to get my thoughts out when typing. I'd stutter all over the place any other way.
Here's the email I have drafted to my mother:
Mom,
Hi, it’s Rachel. Hope you’re having a wonderful day.
I’ve been trying to figure out a way to tell you something for a while now. Should I tell you when we’re driving, or when we’re out to dinner, or when we’re watching a movie or swimming or any number of the things we do together. But I’m too cowardly it seems to simply tell you. So here goes nothing. Mom, I’m gay.
I never imagined “coming out” to you in an email. To be honest I never really gave coming out to you very much thought, until recently.
I really hope this isn’t a shock to you, and I don’t think it will be. You know me better than anyone knows me. You know I haven’t dated a boy since I was a sophomore in high school, or even really mentioned “liking” a boy for a long time. The fact of the matter is, I don’t like boys and I never really did. Boys have always been friends for me, and many of my best friends have been and are boys. But I’m not attracted to boys. I have always been attracted to girls, and it was only recently (later in high school) that I came to the realization that I was gay and that it was okay.
I’ve been pretty certain I was gay since I was fifteen. I came to terms with it by myself by the end of senior year. It’s not a phase, and it’s not something I take lightly. It is a part of my life, yet at the same time it isn’t. I don’t feel like I should have to come out to people. Being gay is the same as being straight. I, like many people, am attracted to women. Some people like men, some people like women. I happen to fall into the latter category. But I’m also a Christian, and a student, an American, a woman, a daughter, a friend.
I wanted very badly to tell you, to talk with you about it. It’s very lonely to think that you did something wrong or it’s your fault or you won’t be accepted by the people you love the most in the world. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t really care what other people think about me, even the people who I care most about. I value your opinion a lot, obviously, because you’re my mother. But I don’t feel like I need to justify something about myself over which I have no control. I’m gay, but that’s not who I am entirely. I’m Rachel, I’m the daughter of Stephanie and Jerry. I love my family and friends. I love to learn and laugh and live.
It’s scary when you’re young and you feel like the whole world is against you. In many ways the whole world is against the gay community, but there are many, many people who are not against us. It isn’t a matter of trust that I didn’t tell you sooner, it’s a matter of being ashamed, of feeling like I did something wrong.
But I’m not ashamed, and I’m not going to hide who I am. I am me, and I am a beautiful and wonderful person who has as much to bring to the world as a heterosexual person. I love everyone for who they are and what they contribute to the lives of others, regardless of race, gender or orientation. I expect the same courtesy from others, but I know not everyone is so optimistic about the goodness in people.
I trust that you will continue to love me as much as you have loved me for the past nineteen years.
I love you mom, and I always have and always will. You made me the strong person I have become. I can face anything, but I’d rather face things with you at my side.
I’m not looking for anything from you in telling you this about me. I simply think you deserve to know, and that I need for you to know in order that I can grow as a person and we can both move on with our lives.
I’m the same person you talked to on the phone yesterday, the same person you kissed goodnight for nineteen years, the same girl who plays the violin, the same girl who loves watching Princess Diaries with her favorite person in the world. I’m good enough for me, and it is my opinion that I am more than good enough for the world. I love myself and I’m happy with my life. I think that’s the best anyone can hope for in life.
I love you.
- Rach
http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=539
Sunday, September 7, 2008
For What It's Worth
The madre is coming for a visit today (a four hour drive total, bless her heart) and we're going to go out to late lunch and have a good time.
But I had to degay my room, which means I had to hide the rainbow flag, the poster of the girls sucking face, and loose the key chain that says "my parents told me I could be anything, so I became a lesbian."
When I am home, I have to act not gay. I don't act straight (I never really acted straight except when I was trying desperately to convince myself and everyone around me that I was straight, but that subsided sometime between the eighth grade and sophomore year) around anyone. I never talk about my crushes around my mom, or tell her how hurt I am when I am treated differently (something happened that I may or may not talk about in a coming post) or tell her what it's like to be me, really. Being me is great, I love who I am and how far I have come. I love life and everything about it, and I'm a lot healthier and happier than I've ever been as a result of my out-ness.
I just wish I could tell her. It hurts so much to feel like I'm hiding a huge part of who I am from her, from the person I used to be the closest to in the whole world. Ever since my father died it has been the madre and I, just the two of us putting our lives back together. I want so badly for her to know that I'm gay, and for her to not care at all. I'm not just gay, just like I'm not just a Christian, a college student, from the East Coast, the child of a single mother, the child of immigrants and Native Americans, of explorers and farmers. I'm just me, and I'm worth everything in the world, just like you. I want to be worth as much to the world as I know I am to me.
But I had to degay my room, which means I had to hide the rainbow flag, the poster of the girls sucking face, and loose the key chain that says "my parents told me I could be anything, so I became a lesbian."
When I am home, I have to act not gay. I don't act straight (I never really acted straight except when I was trying desperately to convince myself and everyone around me that I was straight, but that subsided sometime between the eighth grade and sophomore year) around anyone. I never talk about my crushes around my mom, or tell her how hurt I am when I am treated differently (something happened that I may or may not talk about in a coming post) or tell her what it's like to be me, really. Being me is great, I love who I am and how far I have come. I love life and everything about it, and I'm a lot healthier and happier than I've ever been as a result of my out-ness.
I just wish I could tell her. It hurts so much to feel like I'm hiding a huge part of who I am from her, from the person I used to be the closest to in the whole world. Ever since my father died it has been the madre and I, just the two of us putting our lives back together. I want so badly for her to know that I'm gay, and for her to not care at all. I'm not just gay, just like I'm not just a Christian, a college student, from the East Coast, the child of a single mother, the child of immigrants and Native Americans, of explorers and farmers. I'm just me, and I'm worth everything in the world, just like you. I want to be worth as much to the world as I know I am to me.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Hilarity
I lead a pretty interesting life. Well, it has it's moments in any event. For one thing, I am currently unemployed so I don't have any workplace drama to entertain me. Thank you God, You have certainly blessed me.
I also am not exactly in the dating scene. Not by choice so much as I have no clue where it is. When I find it I'll let you know. Until then, I'm pretty content with my life the way it is, uninterruted by a prospective love-interest. Perhaps when I stop considering prospective love-interested to be interruptions in my life then I will be in the dating scene. I'm in no rush to find her, when she's there she's there and we'll know it and it will be magical and fireworks and flowers and puppies and all that. Yeah. Perfect.
Back to my original story though. So I am out to all of my friends, EXCEPT for one of my three very best friends in the entire world. Truth be told I didn't come out to any of them, I was more or less outed. The first one wasn't at all phased, and it was excellent. I got the butterflies and all that when I found out that she knew.
And then I was outed to my best best best friend in the whole world. She was VERY shocked, but she was also relieved that I was (and still am) happy. I clearly did not have the balls to tell any of them.
So I was going through the motions, pretending that I was neither interested in men nor interested in women around my third best friend.
That was until the other night. There was a carnival in town so two of my friends and I went down to ride the rides and be generally awesome. The carnival sucked, it had three rides that spun around and gave the onlookers more motion sickness than the rider, no doubt. It was a veritable death trap, and I was stuck holding the bags because I refused to put my life into the hands of people who looked like they hadn't bathed since exiting the womb.
So after over an hour of doing the carnival thing, saying hi to people who we graduated with, the siblings of friends, the parents of friends, etc etc. we exited the park for bigger and better things: Dairy Queen. By this time there were four of us, one of whom is one of my best friends.
We piled into my SAAB and drove out to the Dairy Queen for frozen goodness, as it was incredibly hot that evening. The line was about a year long, so we settled in for the long haul. I called my two other best friends to get them to meet us there. As we were standing in line, a friend from high school showed up.
She's pretty awesome, not gonna lie. She's been out forever, she does her own thing, and I definetly aspire to be like her in several ways. We never hung out in high school, but we knew each other, have mutual friends, etc. same old song and dance ya know.
Well as soon as she pulled in my friend Rob flagged her down and we got to chatting. Rob immediately proclaimed to the poor girl that I was a lesbian.
"You finally came out huh?" she asked.
"Yea! Nice of you to tell me I was gay in high school!! That would have made things LOTS easier!" and we joked around for a while and stuff. It really was a good time.
And then my friend who didn't know showed up, and there could be no more of that. We couldn't talk about it, we couldn't allude to it, we couldn't even think about it.
By the time we moved over the a chinese food parking lot so we could all sit down and chat, there were eight of us.
We all sat down, some of us smoked, we all talked and shot to breeze for in the neighborhood of 4 hours. The gays were on one side and the breeders were on the other, it was actually pretty funny. I kept floating amongst them.
At one point my friend Rob went down the line asking about every single person's sexual orientation. Because he's a jerk and LOVES to see me squirm.
I shrugged off the question.
And then it happened.
"Rachel, I KNOW!" she said. My best friend, who was not supposed to know until I got the balls to tell her. She knew, she's known.
"WHAT?" Everyone gasped, my mouth hung wide open.
"I've known for months." I was so shocked. I couldn't even begin to explain my shock.
And then it became the funniest thing that ever happened. We were all in stitches laughing our asses off.
I'm still laughing.
And that, boys and girls, is the story of how I came out to all of the people I hold dear :-)
I also am not exactly in the dating scene. Not by choice so much as I have no clue where it is. When I find it I'll let you know. Until then, I'm pretty content with my life the way it is, uninterruted by a prospective love-interest. Perhaps when I stop considering prospective love-interested to be interruptions in my life then I will be in the dating scene. I'm in no rush to find her, when she's there she's there and we'll know it and it will be magical and fireworks and flowers and puppies and all that. Yeah. Perfect.
Back to my original story though. So I am out to all of my friends, EXCEPT for one of my three very best friends in the entire world. Truth be told I didn't come out to any of them, I was more or less outed. The first one wasn't at all phased, and it was excellent. I got the butterflies and all that when I found out that she knew.
And then I was outed to my best best best friend in the whole world. She was VERY shocked, but she was also relieved that I was (and still am) happy. I clearly did not have the balls to tell any of them.
So I was going through the motions, pretending that I was neither interested in men nor interested in women around my third best friend.
That was until the other night. There was a carnival in town so two of my friends and I went down to ride the rides and be generally awesome. The carnival sucked, it had three rides that spun around and gave the onlookers more motion sickness than the rider, no doubt. It was a veritable death trap, and I was stuck holding the bags because I refused to put my life into the hands of people who looked like they hadn't bathed since exiting the womb.
So after over an hour of doing the carnival thing, saying hi to people who we graduated with, the siblings of friends, the parents of friends, etc etc. we exited the park for bigger and better things: Dairy Queen. By this time there were four of us, one of whom is one of my best friends.
We piled into my SAAB and drove out to the Dairy Queen for frozen goodness, as it was incredibly hot that evening. The line was about a year long, so we settled in for the long haul. I called my two other best friends to get them to meet us there. As we were standing in line, a friend from high school showed up.
She's pretty awesome, not gonna lie. She's been out forever, she does her own thing, and I definetly aspire to be like her in several ways. We never hung out in high school, but we knew each other, have mutual friends, etc. same old song and dance ya know.
Well as soon as she pulled in my friend Rob flagged her down and we got to chatting. Rob immediately proclaimed to the poor girl that I was a lesbian.
"You finally came out huh?" she asked.
"Yea! Nice of you to tell me I was gay in high school!! That would have made things LOTS easier!" and we joked around for a while and stuff. It really was a good time.
And then my friend who didn't know showed up, and there could be no more of that. We couldn't talk about it, we couldn't allude to it, we couldn't even think about it.
By the time we moved over the a chinese food parking lot so we could all sit down and chat, there were eight of us.
We all sat down, some of us smoked, we all talked and shot to breeze for in the neighborhood of 4 hours. The gays were on one side and the breeders were on the other, it was actually pretty funny. I kept floating amongst them.
At one point my friend Rob went down the line asking about every single person's sexual orientation. Because he's a jerk and LOVES to see me squirm.
I shrugged off the question.
And then it happened.
"Rachel, I KNOW!" she said. My best friend, who was not supposed to know until I got the balls to tell her. She knew, she's known.
"WHAT?" Everyone gasped, my mouth hung wide open.
"I've known for months." I was so shocked. I couldn't even begin to explain my shock.
And then it became the funniest thing that ever happened. We were all in stitches laughing our asses off.
I'm still laughing.
And that, boys and girls, is the story of how I came out to all of the people I hold dear :-)
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Why Can't I?
I want someone to tell me why I can't man up and tell my mom that I'm gay. I've searched my heart and soul for the answer, and I think it's because I'm afraid she won't love me anymore, or the love will change, but I'm not sure. I think she'd be okay with it, at least with a little chance to get over any initial shock.
It's me, it's who I am. But it doesn't control me and my life. I have the same friends I had when I was a fifth grader. I have new friends, yes, some very recent ones, but I don't choose my friends based on my sexuality. I don't choose to work or not work because I'm gay. Being gay has so little to do with my day to day life. Even when I'm in a relationship it has very little to do with my life because a relationship is a relationship. A straight woman wouldn't wake up next to her male partner and think to herself "hmm.. I'm really straight."
It just is. It's just a part of my life. Maybe I can't tell her because I know that, as a huge part of her life, this little fact of my life would play a part in her life. And I don't want to disrupt her life.
I wish I didn't have to come out to her. Maybe I won't for a really long time. Maybe I never will. I wouldn't be able to handle it if my mother couldn't accept me.
I wish I could just be straight. And find a nice guy who could make me happy and I could make him happy and we could grow old and play bingo on Sundays in the nursing home. Then everyone would be happy.
Except for me. Which is why I am gay, and out, and proud of who I am. I am happy. I am so happy. And for the first time in my life (well 2 years ago... back when I first admitted to myself that I was gay) I have a much better image of who I am and who I am going to be.
I'm happy. Parents are supposed to want the happiness of their children.
I have to tell her. But I'm scared.
It's me, it's who I am. But it doesn't control me and my life. I have the same friends I had when I was a fifth grader. I have new friends, yes, some very recent ones, but I don't choose my friends based on my sexuality. I don't choose to work or not work because I'm gay. Being gay has so little to do with my day to day life. Even when I'm in a relationship it has very little to do with my life because a relationship is a relationship. A straight woman wouldn't wake up next to her male partner and think to herself "hmm.. I'm really straight."
It just is. It's just a part of my life. Maybe I can't tell her because I know that, as a huge part of her life, this little fact of my life would play a part in her life. And I don't want to disrupt her life.
I wish I didn't have to come out to her. Maybe I won't for a really long time. Maybe I never will. I wouldn't be able to handle it if my mother couldn't accept me.
I wish I could just be straight. And find a nice guy who could make me happy and I could make him happy and we could grow old and play bingo on Sundays in the nursing home. Then everyone would be happy.
Except for me. Which is why I am gay, and out, and proud of who I am. I am happy. I am so happy. And for the first time in my life (well 2 years ago... back when I first admitted to myself that I was gay) I have a much better image of who I am and who I am going to be.
I'm happy. Parents are supposed to want the happiness of their children.
I have to tell her. But I'm scared.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Let Me Explain
It's going to be HILARIOUS one day when I do come out to my mother, and explain to her that I started coming out to people when I was 17, and that she is probably the last person to know. She will be so shocked, and she will wonder why I didn't have enough confidence in her to confide in her my "deepest darkest secret."
I will nod, and smile, and explain to her that it certainly isn't a deep dark secret. No, in fact, it's not a secret at all. I tell people, and if they can't handle it then I can't handle them, and so much for that relationship. However, I DO need a mother. It's not like I have another parent in the event that this parent were to abandon me (even though I am an adult, being rejected by my one and only parent would be extremely painful).
She may be appauled that I didn't try to hide this little factoid from the public. She may be mortified to find out that all of my best friends' parents know, understand, and really don't care.
No matter how she handles this new knowledge, the question will come to her mind and spill out of her mouth, "Why didn't you tell me sooner? You can trust me, and I will always love you."
I know this, and I know she will love me no matter what.
I will cite the time I told her that one of my best male friends from home is gay. She quickly responded with "He doesn't really know, none of you know at your age (I was probably 16 at the time)," and continued to believe that he was just "experimenting" and hung around with all of us girls because he secretly wanted to be close to us and being gay was the only way to get close to us. She will deny that, but in her heart she will know what she did.
Then I tell her about what she did today. We were floating around the pool, in the sun, since it is extremely hot. I decided to tell her the reason why my friend disappeared off the face of the earth over a year ago (see the blog post from a day or two ago). She compared my friend to my other gay friend, thinking it was a comical comparison. No compassion at all for the fact that a boy who was barely 16 at the time was kicked out of his house, told her was a hateful sinner, and forced to fend for himself. She thought it was joke worthy.
And that's why I won't tell her until I'm out of college, until I'm financially independant. I am mortified by the fact that she finds something like that even remotely funny. How dare she. How dare she.
I will nod, and smile, and explain to her that it certainly isn't a deep dark secret. No, in fact, it's not a secret at all. I tell people, and if they can't handle it then I can't handle them, and so much for that relationship. However, I DO need a mother. It's not like I have another parent in the event that this parent were to abandon me (even though I am an adult, being rejected by my one and only parent would be extremely painful).
She may be appauled that I didn't try to hide this little factoid from the public. She may be mortified to find out that all of my best friends' parents know, understand, and really don't care.
No matter how she handles this new knowledge, the question will come to her mind and spill out of her mouth, "Why didn't you tell me sooner? You can trust me, and I will always love you."
I know this, and I know she will love me no matter what.
I will cite the time I told her that one of my best male friends from home is gay. She quickly responded with "He doesn't really know, none of you know at your age (I was probably 16 at the time)," and continued to believe that he was just "experimenting" and hung around with all of us girls because he secretly wanted to be close to us and being gay was the only way to get close to us. She will deny that, but in her heart she will know what she did.
Then I tell her about what she did today. We were floating around the pool, in the sun, since it is extremely hot. I decided to tell her the reason why my friend disappeared off the face of the earth over a year ago (see the blog post from a day or two ago). She compared my friend to my other gay friend, thinking it was a comical comparison. No compassion at all for the fact that a boy who was barely 16 at the time was kicked out of his house, told her was a hateful sinner, and forced to fend for himself. She thought it was joke worthy.
And that's why I won't tell her until I'm out of college, until I'm financially independant. I am mortified by the fact that she finds something like that even remotely funny. How dare she. How dare she.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
We've Got Pride, Yes We do, We've Got Pride, How 'Bout You??
June is a GREAT month, in many many ways.
Well, first and foremost, and of uptmost importance to everyone on the planet, June is the month of my birth. Back in 1989 in a log cabin in Hartford, Connecticut two people welcomed into their lives a baby girl who would one day grow to rule the world.
Well, that's the plan anyway. Until then, I was just born in June. Most of us are born and therefore have birth months, June just happens to be mine.
June is also the first full month of summer for those of us who are going to a form of school in the United States (I'm not sure about the rest of the world). The kids are just getting out of school in the lower grades, and us big scary college kids have been out since May, some since April. June is also the first month of summer, when things start heating up, pools are opened, people start leaving their homes and going for walks and having camp fires in their back yards.
June is my favorite month for all these reasons, but also because it happes to be pride month.
I'm proud to say that I've been out and proud for almost a year now (to everyone except my family, but I'm definetly not hiding anything from them).
I remember the first person I came out to, and I remember it happening like it was just yesterday. When the words "I'm gay" slip out of your mouth it's like this enormous weight being lifted off your shoulders. After you tell one person you just want to run around shouting it from the roof tops. I was very hesitant about coming out to other people. I had no idea how they would react, and for a while it was a secret shared between one of my best friends and I.
And then he told another one of my best friends. I got a text message from her late at night, after I had texted her saying I wouldn't be able to hang out. Her text read (and I saved it): "Oh no! :( well then I can tell you that I don't care if you're a lesbian! *hugs*" I turned bright red, because I knew I had been outed, and then I felt a huge sigh of relief, because being outed and it turning out for the best is SUCH a relief.
So at that point in time two of my very best friends knew, and it was hard for them to keep it to themselves because we have a very close knit group of friends who we share everything with. Keeping secrets isn't our style. I went through the rest of the summer between high school and college with a few people knowing, but most importantly with ME knowing. Being sure of something is such a powerful feeling. You feel like you really can do anything when you're absolutely positive.
When I got to college I knew it was going to be a lot harder to pretend to be someone I am not. I made good friends with a group of girls who were completely boy crazy, who talked about nothing else, and therefore drove me insane.
So I drifted from them and discovered a friend of mine, Mark, who became probably my best friend at school. I told Mark, and I also told him that I had a HUGE crush on a friend of ours. Huge. Epic. Head over heels.
Mark was the perfect person for me to tell because he knew it was important, and he also knew I needed to come out because it was hurting me more than it was hurting anyone else.
Prior to telling Mark, I had been living like your average drunken college freshmen. I made two very big mistakes early in the year that could have turned out a lot worse than they did but that definetly helped me grow as a person. Needless to say I was completely sure about my sexuality by the end of the first semester.
Finally Mark decided enough was enough when I ended up crying one night after lying to someone about my sexuality (there was a survey for a sociology class and it asked about sexual orientation and I totally lied). I needed to come out for my own peace of mind.
I started telling all of my friends. Most of them weren't surprised, and they were all VERY supportive and really it didn't change our relationship at all. They were all very supportive when I got a girlfriend. They were even more supportive when I broke up with her because the relationship was not healthy at all. I'm afraid if I had let it go on any longer my friends would have abandoned me, or kicked my ass for dating someone who was not good for me at all. I love my friends very much, and am adamant about the fact that friends, at least at this point in life, are FAR more important than women. Girls will come and go but friends are forever.
I told my best friend over winter break. She was COMPLETELY blown away. Completely. Like the thought never even crossed her mind that I might not like guys. I have dated a lot of guys. Between 7 and 10th grade I was never without a boyfriend. My last two years in high school consisted of me trying desperately to cling to heterosexuality, and also working through some other issues that needed to be worked out.
The conversation between my best friend and I went something like this. My friend (the first person I ever told) outed me again. This time, my best friend really did not believe him, but she played along like she did.
"So does your mom know that you're gay?"
"Actually, no, she doesn't"
"Hah!"
"I'm serious"
"What? No you're not."
"Yes I am, I am gay, and my mother does not know."
"What? No. Really? No. What? You're joking. Are you serious?"
"Yes."
"OH MY GOSH THAT'S SO COOL!"
And that's how my best friend found out. Our relationship has only gotten better since then.
So I don't hide it from anyone anymore. I'm out on campus, I'm out to my lacrosse team, I'm out to all of my friends. I love being out, and I'm SO proud of the gay community for all of the strides they have made in the recent past that has made it comfortable for my generation to come out and be proud.
I'm very fortunate to live in a part of the world where it's not the end of the world if you are gay. I'm fortunate that I didn't attend a body of religion from the time that I was very young that told me that straight is the only way and anything else is a terrible, hell-bound sin.
I'm proud of who I am. I'm proud of myself for coming out. I wouldn't change a thing about me or about anyone. Gay or straight, we're all God's children. God creates in His image, and what better image than the image of Love.
God bless and have a WONDERFUL Pride Month!!!!
Well, first and foremost, and of uptmost importance to everyone on the planet, June is the month of my birth. Back in 1989 in a log cabin in Hartford, Connecticut two people welcomed into their lives a baby girl who would one day grow to rule the world.
Well, that's the plan anyway. Until then, I was just born in June. Most of us are born and therefore have birth months, June just happens to be mine.
June is also the first full month of summer for those of us who are going to a form of school in the United States (I'm not sure about the rest of the world). The kids are just getting out of school in the lower grades, and us big scary college kids have been out since May, some since April. June is also the first month of summer, when things start heating up, pools are opened, people start leaving their homes and going for walks and having camp fires in their back yards.
June is my favorite month for all these reasons, but also because it happes to be pride month.
I'm proud to say that I've been out and proud for almost a year now (to everyone except my family, but I'm definetly not hiding anything from them).
I remember the first person I came out to, and I remember it happening like it was just yesterday. When the words "I'm gay" slip out of your mouth it's like this enormous weight being lifted off your shoulders. After you tell one person you just want to run around shouting it from the roof tops. I was very hesitant about coming out to other people. I had no idea how they would react, and for a while it was a secret shared between one of my best friends and I.
And then he told another one of my best friends. I got a text message from her late at night, after I had texted her saying I wouldn't be able to hang out. Her text read (and I saved it): "Oh no! :( well then I can tell you that I don't care if you're a lesbian! *hugs*" I turned bright red, because I knew I had been outed, and then I felt a huge sigh of relief, because being outed and it turning out for the best is SUCH a relief.
So at that point in time two of my very best friends knew, and it was hard for them to keep it to themselves because we have a very close knit group of friends who we share everything with. Keeping secrets isn't our style. I went through the rest of the summer between high school and college with a few people knowing, but most importantly with ME knowing. Being sure of something is such a powerful feeling. You feel like you really can do anything when you're absolutely positive.
When I got to college I knew it was going to be a lot harder to pretend to be someone I am not. I made good friends with a group of girls who were completely boy crazy, who talked about nothing else, and therefore drove me insane.
So I drifted from them and discovered a friend of mine, Mark, who became probably my best friend at school. I told Mark, and I also told him that I had a HUGE crush on a friend of ours. Huge. Epic. Head over heels.
Mark was the perfect person for me to tell because he knew it was important, and he also knew I needed to come out because it was hurting me more than it was hurting anyone else.
Prior to telling Mark, I had been living like your average drunken college freshmen. I made two very big mistakes early in the year that could have turned out a lot worse than they did but that definetly helped me grow as a person. Needless to say I was completely sure about my sexuality by the end of the first semester.
Finally Mark decided enough was enough when I ended up crying one night after lying to someone about my sexuality (there was a survey for a sociology class and it asked about sexual orientation and I totally lied). I needed to come out for my own peace of mind.
I started telling all of my friends. Most of them weren't surprised, and they were all VERY supportive and really it didn't change our relationship at all. They were all very supportive when I got a girlfriend. They were even more supportive when I broke up with her because the relationship was not healthy at all. I'm afraid if I had let it go on any longer my friends would have abandoned me, or kicked my ass for dating someone who was not good for me at all. I love my friends very much, and am adamant about the fact that friends, at least at this point in life, are FAR more important than women. Girls will come and go but friends are forever.
I told my best friend over winter break. She was COMPLETELY blown away. Completely. Like the thought never even crossed her mind that I might not like guys. I have dated a lot of guys. Between 7 and 10th grade I was never without a boyfriend. My last two years in high school consisted of me trying desperately to cling to heterosexuality, and also working through some other issues that needed to be worked out.
The conversation between my best friend and I went something like this. My friend (the first person I ever told) outed me again. This time, my best friend really did not believe him, but she played along like she did.
"So does your mom know that you're gay?"
"Actually, no, she doesn't"
"Hah!"
"I'm serious"
"What? No you're not."
"Yes I am, I am gay, and my mother does not know."
"What? No. Really? No. What? You're joking. Are you serious?"
"Yes."
"OH MY GOSH THAT'S SO COOL!"
And that's how my best friend found out. Our relationship has only gotten better since then.
So I don't hide it from anyone anymore. I'm out on campus, I'm out to my lacrosse team, I'm out to all of my friends. I love being out, and I'm SO proud of the gay community for all of the strides they have made in the recent past that has made it comfortable for my generation to come out and be proud.
I'm very fortunate to live in a part of the world where it's not the end of the world if you are gay. I'm fortunate that I didn't attend a body of religion from the time that I was very young that told me that straight is the only way and anything else is a terrible, hell-bound sin.
I'm proud of who I am. I'm proud of myself for coming out. I wouldn't change a thing about me or about anyone. Gay or straight, we're all God's children. God creates in His image, and what better image than the image of Love.
God bless and have a WONDERFUL Pride Month!!!!
Monday, May 26, 2008
P Town!!
Alright, oh my gosh I can barely contain my excitement, wooo gotta chill out.
P Town... it's just... it's so amazing... I don't even have the appropriate word to describe it. Fabulous comes close, but it is truly and sincerely AWESOME. I've had lots of really good days in my life:
Like the time my mother rented a bounce around for me and my friends and we went to town.
Or the time my lacrosse team and I went to the gay bar and got verbally assaulted (in jest of course) by drag queens.
Or the time I went to River Rat in Athol, MA (GOOO!!!! it's SOOO much fun!!).
But honestly, none of that compares to the day I spent in Provincetown with my mother and our friend yesterday.
We woke up between 8-9, were on the road by 9:30. The car ride out to the Cape is between 4-5 hours, and it being a holiday weekend traffic vacillated from sparse to no wiggle room at all. We talked in the car for a good long time, took lots of pictures, made lots of stops. I've only ever been to the Cape really (and I consider the beach to be the Cape, since I go to Nantucket fairly often, but I don't consider that 'The Cape') two or three times. One of those times I was incredibly drunk and passed out in the middle of a street in a residential neighborhood. Good times, but that's a story for another lifetime.
We talked a lot about gay marriage, and how my mother is basically indifferent. She believes in equality but she wouldn't stick her neck out for it, which I find to be without tact but that's just me. Our poor friend is very new to this country and, as far as he knows, has never seen a gay person before. What a shock he had.
We went to the beach in P Town, paid $15 for parked but it was sooo worth it. The water is FREEZING this time of year, but I went in anyway cause I'm a rebel, of course. There were girls in bikinis playing rugby in the sand (a dream come true, I nearly cried with joy) and two mothers with their kids playing in the sand and talking to other parents. The bathrooms were atrocious, naturally.
We went into town after discovering that we really were very hungry. I wish I could remember the name of the restaurant where we ate, but the people were SO friendly. They love their customers, and their customers love them in return. I had fish and chips, which were not very good, but the service made the meal. Our friend kept poking me saying "Hey... is he?" or "Is she..." causing me to burst into a fit of laughter without fail every single time.
The HRC store is amazing, go there. It was simply amazing to me to see so many happy couples walking around, with children or with each other, hand in hand, arm in arm, laughing, smiling, enjoying each others company. To me it really is the most perfect place in the world, where anyone can be themselves.
Unfortunately, because I'm not out to my mother, I couldn't chase after the hot young things walking around in bikinis or kiss the ground every time I saw a rainbow flag waving proudly (not that I would have... but I certainly wanted to).
When we piled into the car to head back home when the sun was just setting over the sand dunes everything felt so right with the world. I wanted every single person there to know that I love them with all my heart, for who they are, for what they are, because they are being themselves. I wanted to stay there forever and bask in its awesomeness, but daytrips, much like vacations or Christmas or high school, must come to an end.
As we were pulling away, my mother touched my shoulder and said "I think you and I were the only two straight women there." A little piece of me died, but hey, if she wants to think I'm straight let her. I'm not hiding it, I wear it proudly, and I haven't dated a boy in four years. Even when I did date boys, it was fairly obvious to everyone that I never really liked them very much romantically. Give me a basketball-playing boy or a swimming boy any day, someone to have fun with or to open up a beer with and talk about women, but other than that boys are pretty useless.
Some part of her must know, and if it doesn't then it's her problem for being blind. Though I've never explicitly told her (and I don't feel I should HAVE to tell anyone), I'm pretty gay. I would describe myself as your almost-stereotypical dyke (in that I love and can very often be found wearing polos and board shorts/long plaid shorts, my hair is never not in a pony tail, I don't let people hold the door for me, I hang out in gay bars, oh and I DATE WOMEN). Basically I fit right in at P Town, except for the stars in my eyes when I walked down the street.
Anyhow, Provincetown is AMAZING. Go. Go with your partner, your kids, your mom, your grandma, your dog, your great aunt Sally, your best friend (ALL your best friends!). I definetly recommend it. Provincetown, you have this dyke's seal of approval!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Love, Love, Love
I remember being a little kid, chasing the little boys around at recess, cooties and all. It happens on every playground in the world, and it has been happening probably since the very first little girl and boy. It's when the little girls start chasing the other little girls and trying to pin them down and steal a kiss that the playground monitors start to talk.
Unfortunately I was neither the pinner nor the pinee, because little girls simply did not chase other little girls at recess. Girls liked boys and boys liked girls and that was that, there was no other way.
Looking back on it, I remember having feelings for female teachers (in the non mom-away-from-home kinda way) and female classmates.
But my first kiss was with a little boy, hidden in the wooden maze amidst the graffiti and gravel. We professed our love for one and other almost constantly (this was fourth grade). He's a happy gay man now, with a bright future.
Coming out is different for each of us, but it is absolutely critical. In the documentary For the Bible Tells Me So (which you should definetly run out and watch right now!! I watched it on the internet for free, just try googling it.) I believe they use the phrase 'The closet is a place of death,' and honestly, truer words were never spoken. My thoughts on coming out are a mix between the sooner the better and whenever you're ready. I wish that there was some way to make all people comfortable with their sexuality, for everyone to know and understand that sexuality is something to be embraced and not shunned.
The only way that I see helping young people to come out, to embrace who they are and celebrate the differences of others, is to start at the root of the problem. Unfortunately, this particular problem has many many roots, the three biggest being parents, society and religion.
I wasn't raised Christian, I converted when I was a teenager of my own free will. Ironically enough, I converted at a time when I was beginning to realize that there was something different about me. Luckily, because neither of my parents were religious, I didn't have to deal with any guilt or preaching about sinful ways, etc.
But I was raised in this society, and I was raised by two individuals who are products of society and who brought their own baggage to parenthood. No one escapes this fate.
I was never told that being gay was 'bad,' that it was a choice, that I would be kicked out if ever I were to choose to be gay. My mother simply assumed that, because I was born and raised as a girl, I would also be a heterosexual adult. If only things were that uncomplicated. Though I've never officially told her, I'm sure every time I say 'she's hot' or 'I saw this polo in the men's section and absolutely had to have it,' my mom realizes that her little girl won't be chasing the little boys around any more.
It took me a long time to realize that it really is okay, not just for me but for others too (I did go through the whole, 'I'm uncomfortable with my sexuality, so I'll torture the people I know to be gay' phase, and I am eternally sorry for any damage I did to anyone else and I regret the damage done to myself). We are raised to believe that being straight is the only way, that anything else is unnatural, ungodly, etc. Let's start raising our children to believe that being anyone who we are not is the thing that is unnatural, the thing that is against God.
The only advice I have to give to someone who is dealing with coming out is to be proud, always be proud. Pride isn't something to be ashamed of. Have pride in yourself, in who you are, in you're struggle and the struggle of others. Having pride might mean a pink triangle bumper sticker, standing up to narrow-minded bullies, coming out to a coworker or fellow student. The greatest pride of them all, though, the pride that surpasses all other forms, is admitting to oneself that you really are gay, or bisexual, or transgendered, or straight (and supportive!) and loving yourself for it.
The walls between us won't collapse until no one, or everyone, has to come out, and every parent loves their child all the more for whoever they are.
Unfortunately I was neither the pinner nor the pinee, because little girls simply did not chase other little girls at recess. Girls liked boys and boys liked girls and that was that, there was no other way.
Looking back on it, I remember having feelings for female teachers (in the non mom-away-from-home kinda way) and female classmates.
But my first kiss was with a little boy, hidden in the wooden maze amidst the graffiti and gravel. We professed our love for one and other almost constantly (this was fourth grade). He's a happy gay man now, with a bright future.
Coming out is different for each of us, but it is absolutely critical. In the documentary For the Bible Tells Me So (which you should definetly run out and watch right now!! I watched it on the internet for free, just try googling it.) I believe they use the phrase 'The closet is a place of death,' and honestly, truer words were never spoken. My thoughts on coming out are a mix between the sooner the better and whenever you're ready. I wish that there was some way to make all people comfortable with their sexuality, for everyone to know and understand that sexuality is something to be embraced and not shunned.
The only way that I see helping young people to come out, to embrace who they are and celebrate the differences of others, is to start at the root of the problem. Unfortunately, this particular problem has many many roots, the three biggest being parents, society and religion.
I wasn't raised Christian, I converted when I was a teenager of my own free will. Ironically enough, I converted at a time when I was beginning to realize that there was something different about me. Luckily, because neither of my parents were religious, I didn't have to deal with any guilt or preaching about sinful ways, etc.
But I was raised in this society, and I was raised by two individuals who are products of society and who brought their own baggage to parenthood. No one escapes this fate.
I was never told that being gay was 'bad,' that it was a choice, that I would be kicked out if ever I were to choose to be gay. My mother simply assumed that, because I was born and raised as a girl, I would also be a heterosexual adult. If only things were that uncomplicated. Though I've never officially told her, I'm sure every time I say 'she's hot' or 'I saw this polo in the men's section and absolutely had to have it,' my mom realizes that her little girl won't be chasing the little boys around any more.
It took me a long time to realize that it really is okay, not just for me but for others too (I did go through the whole, 'I'm uncomfortable with my sexuality, so I'll torture the people I know to be gay' phase, and I am eternally sorry for any damage I did to anyone else and I regret the damage done to myself). We are raised to believe that being straight is the only way, that anything else is unnatural, ungodly, etc. Let's start raising our children to believe that being anyone who we are not is the thing that is unnatural, the thing that is against God.
The only advice I have to give to someone who is dealing with coming out is to be proud, always be proud. Pride isn't something to be ashamed of. Have pride in yourself, in who you are, in you're struggle and the struggle of others. Having pride might mean a pink triangle bumper sticker, standing up to narrow-minded bullies, coming out to a coworker or fellow student. The greatest pride of them all, though, the pride that surpasses all other forms, is admitting to oneself that you really are gay, or bisexual, or transgendered, or straight (and supportive!) and loving yourself for it.
The walls between us won't collapse until no one, or everyone, has to come out, and every parent loves their child all the more for whoever they are.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
First Blog WooHoo
Hey so this is my first blog, and I really don't have much to say right now.
Well that's actually not true, I have A LOT to say (and I mean a lot). But before I get to all the fascinating things that I have to share with the world, there are some things I should probably share about myself.
I'm eighteen right now, turning nineteen in mid-June. That doesn't mean I don't have any life experience, trust me I have plenty. Not your typical 'oh my significant other broke my heart' or 'I failed the math exam' bull either. I have life experience, for realz.
My father died of cancer when I was a wee puff of smoke. Cancer is bad, very bad, and we should all be working on a cure instead of fighting wars and killing innocent people with mothers and fathers and babies. We should also be working on a cure for AIDS.
But I don't know anyone who has AIDS, and I'm not going to lie and say I wish I did, because I would probably die of a broken heart.
My mother is a great lady, she works very hard and has made a great life for me. I only hope that some day I can return the favor.
I'm from the East Coast and I go to college in Bostonia, but the city gives me the heeby jeebies so I stay mostly in suburbia.
I play lacrosse, basketball and soccer, and I swim, hike, and bike. I enjoy nature, long aimless car rides, golf courses (but I hate golf, though I'm not opposed to the idea), small animals, large animals, people, things of that nature.
I'm a lesbian, I came out my senior year in high school. Before then I was a lesbian, but I didn't know it yet. I'm out to everyone in my college, but almost no one from high school. I'd like to say that the people who matter know, but my mom doesn't know (neither does the rest of my extended and very close family). I'm relatively certain the polos and birkenstocks give it away. And the fact that I freakin love girls. But mothers can be a little dense. We're going to Pride Week in Disney World this year, perhaps the perfect time to tell her?!?!
I'm not your typical, butched out, crunchy, earth loving, granola bar eating, mullet wearing dyke though. Well that's not very true. I love the earth, and granola. Mullets are the funniest things in the world, but I will never have one. And I'm not especially butch, only a wee bit.
So that's me, in a nutshell. I don't beat around the bush (and I do enjoy some good old fashioned hate on George W. Bush), I tell it like it is or like I want it to be, anyway.
Oh and I support Hillary, even if the media has given up hope. YOU GO GIRL!
So the things I'm going to talk about include: How much narrow-minded people SUCK, Homosexuality in general, coming-out and the trials and tribulations, dealing with being a young adult, college, the sucky economy and my never ending search for employment.
Let me know if I'm annoying too. Hopefully, as posts go on, I'll stop using the work 'I' so much.
MUCH LOVE, stay safe out there!!
- Ray
Well that's actually not true, I have A LOT to say (and I mean a lot). But before I get to all the fascinating things that I have to share with the world, there are some things I should probably share about myself.
I'm eighteen right now, turning nineteen in mid-June. That doesn't mean I don't have any life experience, trust me I have plenty. Not your typical 'oh my significant other broke my heart' or 'I failed the math exam' bull either. I have life experience, for realz.
My father died of cancer when I was a wee puff of smoke. Cancer is bad, very bad, and we should all be working on a cure instead of fighting wars and killing innocent people with mothers and fathers and babies. We should also be working on a cure for AIDS.
But I don't know anyone who has AIDS, and I'm not going to lie and say I wish I did, because I would probably die of a broken heart.
My mother is a great lady, she works very hard and has made a great life for me. I only hope that some day I can return the favor.
I'm from the East Coast and I go to college in Bostonia, but the city gives me the heeby jeebies so I stay mostly in suburbia.
I play lacrosse, basketball and soccer, and I swim, hike, and bike. I enjoy nature, long aimless car rides, golf courses (but I hate golf, though I'm not opposed to the idea), small animals, large animals, people, things of that nature.
I'm a lesbian, I came out my senior year in high school. Before then I was a lesbian, but I didn't know it yet. I'm out to everyone in my college, but almost no one from high school. I'd like to say that the people who matter know, but my mom doesn't know (neither does the rest of my extended and very close family). I'm relatively certain the polos and birkenstocks give it away. And the fact that I freakin love girls. But mothers can be a little dense. We're going to Pride Week in Disney World this year, perhaps the perfect time to tell her?!?!
I'm not your typical, butched out, crunchy, earth loving, granola bar eating, mullet wearing dyke though. Well that's not very true. I love the earth, and granola. Mullets are the funniest things in the world, but I will never have one. And I'm not especially butch, only a wee bit.
So that's me, in a nutshell. I don't beat around the bush (and I do enjoy some good old fashioned hate on George W. Bush), I tell it like it is or like I want it to be, anyway.
Oh and I support Hillary, even if the media has given up hope. YOU GO GIRL!
So the things I'm going to talk about include: How much narrow-minded people SUCK, Homosexuality in general, coming-out and the trials and tribulations, dealing with being a young adult, college, the sucky economy and my never ending search for employment.
Let me know if I'm annoying too. Hopefully, as posts go on, I'll stop using the work 'I' so much.
MUCH LOVE, stay safe out there!!
- Ray
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