Saturday, November 22, 2008

It's a Beautiful Day

The sun is fading through the yellow dusty panes. 3:30 in the afternoon and we rub the sleep from our eyes and stare into blank text books. We travel hallways, bare feet and empty conversation. Blue eyes brown eyes green eyes black eyes, they all look right through you. A cheery coke dangles precariously off the edge of the counter and spills into the heater. The room will smell like burning cherries for years. A pile of books stacked higher than the window fan suffocates us in our sleep, impedes the view of the trees and trees and trees and miles and miles and miles of nothingness and everything, of academia and forest, of higher learning and the places we came from. Basketball shorts strewn across the floor, dvds out of their boxes, out of the alphabetical by genre order they were placed in in September. Candy wrappers and instrument cases. A lonely lacrosse stick that won't see the outside world until the ground is no longer hard with frost. Grey sneakers and brown sneakers and white sneakers, red flip flops and black flip flops and dirty flip flops and worn out flip flops.

I can see the world fading with the setting sun, the trees become shadows and the world looks dark and empty, and suddenly there is only me, and there is only my dorm room, filled with flip flops and instruments and lacrosse sticks and books.

Sometimes I think my world begins and ends from the window sill to the doorway, and then the sun rises and then I step outside and I am amazed. Always amazed.

Today has been a good day.

Friday, November 21, 2008

You Have To Be You

I guess this post is about being confused. I've been there before so I know what it's like, certainly. I guess I've just never been the cause of someone's confusion before, that I'm aware of at least. I'm not really in to the general Thursday night festivities that go on on most college campuses, but last night was the exception. Two of my friends and I split two bottles of wine and a bottle of vodka while watching Season 3 of the L Word. Meanwhile, while all of this was going on, I had taken two sudafed not more than 10 minutes before we started drinking on an almost empty stomach and, although I didn't get sick, I did get drunk pretty quick.

I got sick (couldn't stop sneezing, super congested, couldn't breathe hardly through my nose) in the 45 minutes between research methods and lab yesterday. I was so congested and there was so much pressure behind my left eye that I gave myself a black eye (literally gave myself a black eye, I'm chaulking it up to the amount of pressure behind my eye and the fact that I kept rubbing it because it was watery).

So there I was, drunk with a black eye, on a futon with my best friend at college and the cofounder and copresident of the GSA who was passed out on my right and her roommate who was watching the L word with me on my left. Eventually the effects of the sudafed/wine wore off for me, and the effects of the alcohol wore off for theother two, and we were just tired, laying in the dark. I lay there for a long time listening to my best friend's sleep breathing and watching the L word with her roommate.

And then suddenly I was kissing my best friend's roommate.
And then suddenly I was in her bed.
And then suddenly it was 8:30 in the morning and I was walking across campus back to my room. My roommate was sitting at her computer when I walked into the room and all she said to be was "Oh my God Rachel I've been worried sick about you you have no idea you need to call me the next time you have an impromtu sleep over I was worried sick up till 3 am..." (she said this all in one breath) and then she saw my neck and she said "hold on girl you need to sit down and tell me everything," which I didn't obviously because that would be rude, and I proceeded to sleep from 8:30 to 1:30 in the afternoon.

I knew my best friend's roommate was confused, and I know how easy it is to be confused. The girl loves Ani Difranco and plaid, let's be real. Totally kidding, big stereotypage, many apologies. My best friend knows all about it now from when she woke up and was confronted with her roommate's neck. She seems to think it was beneficial for her roommate, which is a relief for me because I feel bad to be adding to her confusion. At least she knows me and can trust me and she wasn't going out and getting trashed and hooking up with some random stranger.

I guess I'm just confused for her. I personally think labels make life easier, but at the same time they oversimplify things. What I told her today I think is applicable to most situations, in regards to her feeling of being pressured into choosing a category for herself from the day she entered college (she is now a senior): Going to a women's college doesn't make you a lesbian, liking girls doesn't make you a lesbian and even sleeping with girls doesn't make you a lesbian. As much as I joke about it, you are what you are and what you identify yourself as and that's that. You can't be what anyone else wants to classify you as, you have to be you.

I really like her, but I think I really like her as a friend, which is where my own confusion comes in to play. Not to mention the fact that I don't think she is interested in dating anyone (male or female), I think she is interested in discovering who she is, and I'm glad I could play a role, even a small role, in the formulation of her own self image, and that she could play a role in mine.

It's just a lot to think about, and I tend to overthink things far too much as it is.

"...or if the weather was bad, you could just sit under the yellow light on your front porch and enjoy the sound of the rain hitting the tin roofs."
- Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe

Live and Live and Live

Fight hate with love. Fight death with life.

I went to bed at 8:30 this morning and woke up at 1:30 this afternoon, almost positive that depression was setting in. I blame myself for his death in many ways. I don't have a magic cancer wand that I waved to get him sick, but I was little and a lot of it I didn't understand, didn't want to understand. I wasn't in the room when he died, but I felt it down the hall in the kitchen with my uncles, drinking beer and talking old times. "How's your father?" "Good, I said," and went back to his room. I felt him die in my heart between the kitchen and his hospital room.

I didn't understand that they wanted him to be cremated. I wanted him to be put in the ground with flowers and grass and a headstone that I could visit. I visit George in the winter now, this year will be two years, and I touch the frozen earth with my fingertips, the same fingertips that whisper sad notes from my violin. Cancer took two of the greatest men I ever knew.

I listened to the hum of the machines, the whirring and the silent salty tears that dropped onto the bed sheets and the carpet and the windowsill. Circle of Life came on the radio and then, by the son's end, he was gone.

I miss the jokes he used to tell more than anything, and the way he smelled when he hugged me, and the sound of his voice calling my name from across the yard.

I just want to live and live and live and never have to deal with the consequence of life. I want to love and love and love and never have to face the reality of hate.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

It's Good to be the King

My video won second place tonight!! I got three DVDs (Zoolander, School of Rock, and Talladega Nights) and a bunch of candy/popcorn and hot chocolate. I am SO PUMPED.
I'm splitting the winnings with my partner in crime, whose name is also Rachel (we go by "Rachel Squared"). She gets the DVDs, I get the candy, and everything is right with the world. I am thoroughly loving life right now.

I'd show you the video but it is definitely not something I am proud of, and honestly did not want the entire school to see it, but it was accosted. Anywho, YAY!

Don't Loose the Dreams Inside Your Head

There is a family of deer living in the woods behind my dorm. When I'm walking across the parking lot late at night, I see them on the grass and in the trees munching on the grass. I can't tell if I've seen a male or not (I'm nearsighted), or if they are two females and a baby. The little one isn't very little, but he's young. It's comforting to come home to them in the yard on the nights which are becoming progressively colder. It's kind of like, even when I am alone in the middle of the night in academia, I'm not really alone. They're very beautiful and I hope they stay warm.

I'm pretty thrilled with how my week has been going. On Sunday when I got back from the concert I searched desperately for my sickest friends and counted out how many of my allergy pills I could take before I needed to be hospitalized so I might be terribly ill, but not die. Then I tried to determine how much cherry coke I would have to drink in order to stay awake for four days straight. Of course, I'm totally kidding about all of this. I just really didn't want this week to exist and I bitched and moaned about it a lot.

But all my work has gotten done, I've taken two exams, handed in a five page paper (which I wrote while watching Wall-E and Heathers with my friends in a very noisy lounge, so mad props to me), gone to the gym, and managed to get eight hours of sleep every night.

Tonight they're doing a competition at my school for the college's funniest videos. My entry comes from last year when, during a night of complete boredom, my friend and I danced and sang along to the song "Let's Get Fucked Up." My RD saw it on youtube last year and emailed me over spring break. After I awoke from the coma that put me in, I emailed her back and asked if I should even bother coming back to school. Luckily, Jess thought it was the funniest thing she'd seen in a long time, and this year she wouldn't let me not enter it in the competition. I hope we win!!

We had Thanksgiving dinner here last night (it was DELICIOUS) it was sooooo good to have a good meal for once. When everyone was eating I said "God bless us, every one," just cause I'm a goof and some chick goes "wrong holiday." Who the hell says that? Maybe it is from Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol but let's be real; I can say "God bless us, everyone one" any time I want. I wasn't referencing Dickens, I was simply saying "God bless us." Is it a crime to wish that God would bless my friends and I? It made me a little disgruntled.

I really don't want to go to DC for Thanksgiving. I wish I could just stay home and hang out with my friends. I haven't seen my best friend since August and the way things are going, I probably won't be seeing her until December. It'll be a nice little break though, I think everybody around here could use it.

It's too cold to be outside, which is sad. I hope it's warmer in DC, but I'm not expecting any miracles.

Take care out there!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Still Numb After All These Years

Friday is the eleven year anniversary of my father's death.

Cancer doesn't know about daddies, or moms, or brothers and sisters, or grandmothers, or uncles, or cats or dogs. Cancer knows life, and it will stop at nothing to destroy it.

I watched for two years as my father slowly wasted away, and eventually died right before my eyes. I felt his hand soften in mine and go limp; his hands that held me high in the air, that tossed baseballs for me, that sewed patches to my girl scout vest.

I often wonder what our lives would be like today if he had never died, if he had never been sick. So much of my life and my mother's life and my sister's life is a response to his sickness and death.

I can't help but feel like I'm always missing something. I miss the man who told his seven year old daughter fart jokes, who lifted me up so I could dunk a basketball, who danced with me on his feet in the kitchen, who held my mother close and wished he never had to let go. He didn't want to have to let go. He loved life so so so much and he had the world to live for. I've come to terms with it over the last eleven years in my own way, in the smiles of his grandchildren, whenever the leaves rustle on a breezy day, when the air is still and the world is quiet, when someone's eyes say "I love you," when my hand feels warm on a cold winter day, and I know my daddy is there with me.

But I wish he could see us now, see how far we've come, see how much we love life even in his long absense. I know that he sees us, but I wish he were here experiencing this amazing life with us.

It doesn't get easier, it never gets easier. There are dozens of things I wish I could tell him, tons of things I want him to say to me. I wish I could see him hold his grandchildren. I wish he could hold my mother's hand one more time. I wish I could dance on his feet in the kitchen again.

It's just not fair.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Little Plastic Castles



Ani Difranco rocked my socks clean off my feet (yes, I was wearing shoes, I know what is becoming of my life??!) tonight at Symphony Hall. It is now 1 am and I only just got back to campus. The t was basically packed with family both to and from the concert, which only added to the joy of this weekend for me.

Ani did not, however, play my favorite song "Angry Anymore" which made me ruther disgruntled. But I'll forgive her because she is an amazing musician (and she has a damn sexy drummer, that's right Allison I'm talking about you don't think I didn't catch your name girl).

Oh Boston, I love you so so so very much. Boston and East Jesus Nowhere Hole in the Wall, Connecticut, home to the great times of my youth. I, sadly, do not have any upcoming concert plans to look forward to (I'm waiting for Melissa Etheridge to go back on tour because I would bascially kill fight or die to see Melissa in concert). I'll keep you posted on the concert scene. The next thing in my upcoming events is the Harvey Milk movie coming out December 5. I'm bringing the entire gsa and company.

I feel so good right now, about everything. I got a lot of stuff off my chest tonight that has been bugging for a good long time and now I don't have it on my conscience anymore and it feels great.

Well, I was up at 7:30 this morning because I had to play el violin at mass (which was hilariously full of antics including knocking an amp over and making a huge gong like ringing sound echoing throughout the entire chapel) and I am super sleepy right now. I probably definitely did not do justice to the glory that is Ani Difranco, but rest assured I love her dearly and had the time of my life tonight (but I have the time of my life everywhere I go).

Sweet dreams world.

I recognized your silhoutte
As you walked out of the sun and sat down
And the sight of your sleepy smile eclipsed all the other people
As they paused to sneer at the two girls from out of town