The Story of Us

Once upon a time there was this girl, then there was another girl, and they started talking. A lot. And they got along really well. The first girl started to really like the second girl, but didn’t know if the second girl liked the first girl back. The first girl was “a stupidhead” (Carrie’s words, not mine), and did something stupid, that resulted in the two girls temporarily disconnecting. She realized her error almost immediately.

One day the girl decided she couldn’t stand not talking to the other girl, so she got in touch with her, hoping she would talk to her but thinking she probably wouldn’t. The other girl was so happy to hear from the girl. And they reconnected. Over time they started flirting with each other. They fell in love almost immediately. After a short while the girl asked the other girl to be her girlfriend, and she said yes and they were both so ecstatic.

“And now they’re fiancees!” Carrie says. ”And they’re going to love each other forever, and they’re going to have lots of animals, and they’re going to have babies together, and they’re going to conquer the world. All because they fit each other, because they are each others soul mates. They are going to live happily ever after.”

Feminism

I’ve been getting agitated lately by people (especially women) who see no problem with the status quo, wanting to be nothing more than men who will tell them what to do.

Here I am, a 22 year old female, with two Bachelor of Arts degrees, 17+ years of formal education, having worked 5+ jobs in my life, pursuing a Master of Divinity at a reputable theological seminary in the hopes of spending the rest of my life in a “man’s profession,” i.e. as a minister of word and sacrament. Every day I have to fight to prove that I am worthy of being here because I am young, I am a member of the LGBT community, but mostly because I am a woman.

And it’s just my job. I can’t help being compelled on this journey. I don’t have anything to prove, but I know in my heart that I am making the journey easier for my nieces, my future daughters, women yet to be born who will never have to appreciate the sacrifices we made in order for them to be viewed as equal human beings alongside their brothers because that dignity will just come naturally.

And yet there are women, women my age, who see nothing wrong with wanting nothing more out of life than a man.

Well I’m here to say that girls, you can be your own person. Your significant other doesn’t define you. You’re sexual orientation doesn’t define you. You’re age doesn’t define you. You’re sex, and your gender, do not define you. You are your own person, uniquely and wonderfully made. Love yourself and know that you can be whatever you want to be. If you want to be a homemaker, great, but please don’t box your sisters into that same fate. Let us grow, and strive to be all of the things we ever dreamed of. Let us become the dreams of our mothers, our grandmothers, our great grandmothers, our aunts, our friends, the dreams our fathers had for us when were infants, the dreams our grandfathers had for our mothers. Those dreams can become reality in us, if we simply keep on, and never give up fighting for what is ours: equality.

Let's Try This Again

I'm going to try and start blogging regularly on this blog from now on. I feel guilty for neglecting it.

An update on my life: I just began my second semester at seminary. I am absolutely in love with seminary, and the city, and everything I am learning and all of the friends I am making. Truly this is where I am supposed to be right now.

I started a new relationship with a wonderful human being in October. I have never fallen so hard and so fast for someone. When she looks at me I feel like I am home, no one has ever looked at me the way that Carrie does. She is beautiful both inside and outside, and I love her more than words. She asked me to marry her on December 26th, and I accepted. We will be legally uniting our lives this summer and moving in together on my seminary campus in the fall and we will be formally married on June 22, 2013.

I am going to attempt to blog regularly, and hopefully I can keep that promise to myself. I still have a lot to say. I'm not the idealistic 18 year old I was when I started this blog, but life is so funny sometimes. I need a place to put all of my thoughts, my concerns, my worries, everything. I know a lot about the world, more now than I did six months ago, 12 months ago, five years ago, but I still have a lot of learning to do.

Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself!

Well a lot has happened since I last posted. A heck of a lot!

I graduated from college in May, with honors and all that jazz. I stayed in the apartment with H until very recently, when I found out she was cheating on me again, this time with a friend of mine.

Betrayal bites. But I learned my lesson, I can't be so trusting. And My UHaul days are behind me haha.

Now for the big big news: I am going to SEMINARY soon! (Future) Pastor Rachel in the haus yawl! This is a very exciting, scary, anxiety producing, but mostly exciting, time in my life. I am so blessed, so happy to have these last few weeks with my friends and family before going off to school (another 4 years, but I'll be home off and on).

I have a lot of thoughts on seminary, and on everything that has been going on in my life lately, and this blog is simply too outdated for me.

I've grown up so much in the last few months, probably most especially ever since I graduated in May. I've learned a lot about life, relationships, toxic people, my true friends, and most importantly I've learned a lot about myself and what I am capable of. I am so much stronger, and wiser, for everything I have gone through. When I get to seminary I'll probably send H a postcard thanking her for being the heinous c u next Tuesday that she is, lest I would still be the innocent and naive little girl playing house, giving up my dreams so I could stay with a treacherous snake like her.

Moving on.

All that being said: I am going to start a new blog, and probably link it back to this one but we shall see. I need a nice clean slate. Moving hundreds of miles away, fresh start, fresh city, and a fresh blog for me to write all about my new life.

Hope all is well out there in blogland, sorry I have neglected this sad old blog. But I am so happy now, so content, so grown up and ready for life to truly begin.

Amen.

Finding Love and Acceptance

The coming out process is often very difficult for the individual identifying as GLBT or Q. Sometimes (and in fact, more often than not) it is also difficult for that individual's family and friends. I have been blessed with family and friends who could not care less, and who truly desire only that I be happy. Many people, when coming out, hear family members or friends say that they only want their happiness, but in the end if they cannot conform to their family/friends' picture of their happiness, they become unhappy (or at the very worst, insane trying to conform).

It is a struggle to accept who one is, particularly if one does not fit the bill for the "normal" person (obviously depending upon one's culture, gender, upbringing, etc.) That struggle is only compounded when one can't truly be oneself around the most important people, or when family or friends are perpetually of the belief that in time, one can change. Sexuality is fluid, but not so fluid as to completely alter one's mindset.

What I'm trying desperately to say is that, if you have ever come out, you know how terrifying it can be. You know how lonely is can feel, even though so many people have done it before you and so many will follow. If you haven't come out, or you are struggling, don't isolate yourself from the people around you. They love you and they want the best for you. If at the end of the day they don't make you feel good about yourself, let them know. If they make you outright feel bad about yourself, cut them out of your life as best you can, and make sure they are aware that they are loosing you, you are not loosing them.

The phrase "all you need is love" is only partially true, and perhaps misleading. We all need love, yes, but we also need to love ourselves. If you don't love yourself you cannot POSSIBLY love anyone else, and if you don't respect yourself you cannot respect anyone else. Certainly love and respect come from within, but they are taught from without, and a great deal of learning is necessary when one sees the lack of love and respect in one's life. If you have no love in your life, find it, and find it within yourself before you go looking for it with someone else. We are all very good at something or another, and when you find what it is, cling to it with iron talons.

I'm so grateful to the people who love me, and I know if I told them that they would be glad to hear me say it, but also sad that it is necessary to be thankful for love and acceptance when both of those things should be given freely. I hope that everyone who is struggling to accept themselves can come to find love, acceptance and peace with themselves.

Much Better

I just needed some time. Obviously things aren't 100%, and who knows they might not be for a very long time, but I'm thinking right now I'm at around 50-75%. I can't let it get me down because I need to focus on my life, my studies and my future.

I can't just sit around and wallow all day, nor do I want to. Tomorrow night I'm going out drinking with one of my best friends, Thursday night I'm probably doing the same, and this weekend is going to be a shitshow (the Berlin Fair in CT, if you're in the area you should go, it's a little on the hillbilly side but it's fantastic). I'm 21 years old and I have to do me, and if others try and get me down I just have to cut them out of my life. It's hard because we live together, and because I want to be her friend and so much of me wants to go back to being in a romantic relationship with her, but I can't force anything right now. The only thing I can force is the smile on my face, whether faked or genuine. There are people in my life who need me to be strong and need me to keep trudging uphill, and so that's what I'm going to do. And some day I'm going to get back to the top of the hill, look down and say "I made it home."

For right now I feel like I'm three people trapped in one person's body (not like dissociative identity disorder or anything), and it's kind of funny because it took this huge blow out break up to make me see it. I feel like the person I was before I studied abroad, the person I was when I was abroad, and the person I am not (post-study abroad) are all battling it out to see who will get to control me. I grew up so much when I was abroad, enough to see that some things matter less than others (especially at 21 years). I learned that when you fall, sometimes the only person who can pick you up is you, no matter who tries to grad your hand and pull you up. The person I used to be though didn't know those things, was very dependent and immature. When I was abroad I shined it on like I was brave, but inside I was terrified more often then not. So now I have the kid, the coward, and the adult fighting for the claim over my personality.

The only thing all three of those people have in common is that eventually, maybe not right away but eventually, they all accept what is happening and learn to deal. And if that isn't a blessing I don't know what is.

So life isn't great right now, but it is good and it is real and here and everything wonderful. I believe I've said before that to feel anything, be it pain, anger, joy, fear, or any of the multitude of adjectives to describe human emotion, is not truly the "point" in life. The point in life is to feel anything and everything and appreciate the gift of emotion for what it is. If we are feeling, we are alive.

Cheater

So Hillary has been cheating on me with her ex boyfriend. She cheated on me "five times" between "February, 2010 and July, 2010."

I am absolutely devastated. I thought she was the love of me life, I thought I would marry her. She is my first real love, and I still love and care about her so deeply. She says she loves and cares about me, too, and that her cheating "wasn't a personal attack on" me but that she was "confused" and didn't think she was "gay enough" for me. But how can someone cheat when they truly love and care about the person they are in a relationship with? Why couldn't she talk to me about how she was feeling instead of sleeping with her ex?

She always told me not to worry about him. He was her first love, the only guy she ever really enjoyed sleeping with, but he never had an interest in her after he broke her heart in high school, and she pined after him like a lost puppy. They were "just good friends" who talked frequently enough. I never met him, she wouldn't allow me to meet him, even though she talked about him enough. So last night she told me that they have been fucking, for lack of a better expression, in our bed, in our apartment.

I am completely at a loss. I had every opportunity to cheat on her, when I was abroad and when I was home, and I never did. AND an ex is an ex for a reason, as I say, and once that drama is over it's over for good.

I haven't slept in over 30 hours and I haven't eaten anything. There was a period of time that I couldn't stop crying. I just kept saying "no, no, no, tell me you're lying." It brought back so many different memories. It reminded me of when my father died, losing a huge piece of myself that would never be replaced. It reminded me of when I was 14 and I was sexually assaulted and I lost my innocence. I was totally violated, and this situation makes me feel dirty, violated and wrong.

Just last Saturday she was holding my hand at a party, trying to pull me into the bathroom with her. She didn't seem too confused then. Why has she been stringing me along all these months just to devastate me now? What if we had gotten married and I learned the truth too late?

She wants my forgiveness, she wants to try and rebuild this relationship and repair my heart. I don't know if I will be able to do that. I am so enraged right now, and so depressed, and so lost. I love her and care about her, but I am entirely unsure as to what to do.

Any advice?