Life Rant

Ever since I converted to Christianity when I was 15 I've been proud of my faith. I was mainly proud of the fact that I discovered it within myself, I wasn't forced into it by any means.

But I'm not sure if I believe in that faith anymore. I'm not even sure that I believe in God anymore.

I think it's lovely to think that there is something after death, but I don't think I buy that anymore.

We're on a schedule here. We've been on a schedule since the moment we were concieved. If I might be allowed to draw off some aspects of Christian theology: I believe that when we are born our death is predetermined. I don't believe putting that cigarette down right now will change your date of death. I do believe putting that cigarette down right now, if that is what you are SUPPOSED to do, won't change a thing. There is nothing you could possibly do to throw off the balance of the universe because everything is happening the way it is supposed to happen. That's not to say I believe that the Christian God, or Allah or Yaweh (who are also the Christian God, by the way, but that's another story) or any diety for that matter is in control. I'm not even sure I believe a cosmic force controls everything. I think everything just is, and everything happens exactly the way it is supposed to happen.

I just had a very Sirens of Titan realization. If you've ever read that book then you'll know that the history of mankind is shaped around getting a part for a spaceship back to an alien who is stranded on his way to Earth.

But where I'm going with this is to say that everything happens for a reason. You could look at it that way. Or you could look at it as everything happens for no reason. There is no reason why your house burned down. There is no reason why millions and millions of innocent people, men women and children of all backgrounds, were needlessly slaughtered by a great world power less than a century ago. There is no reason why it is still going on today. There is no reason why I am typing these words (not only because no one besides me will read them.. this is about principle!). Everything is meaningless.

But it's not okay to live life without meaning. Why? Why is it not okay to live a life without meaning if there is no purpose to life? Why not drop dead right now?

Because you are. I am and you are and that baby who was just born (HAPPY BIRTHDAY!) is and that old man who just died holding his wife's hand was and we all are. We are here together.

Jesus and God answer a lot of questions about life in a very convoluted way.

Why can't I give up God?
God- Because my Son DIED for you and you'll be grateful, dammit!

That's the jist of the New Testament anyway.

Life is a gift, whether it was given to us by God or whether we were created solely to play a role in the cosmic quest to retrieve a part for an alien space ship. Screw the people who said sex is a sin and being angry is a sin and making mistakes is a sin. Sex is beautiful and wonderful and meaningful. Anger and bursts of emotion make us human. Mistakes make us alive.

We are human and we are not perfect and no one should even bother telling us to aspire to perfection. I admire Jesus and Mother Theresa, but I will never be them no matter how hard I try. I like drinking and smoking and sex way too much.

The long and short of my rant is: make the most of your scheduled time here. Don't kill yourself or each other, because you are a gift, your neighbor is a gift. Your lives, your beautiful meaningful meaningless imaginary crazy *insert random adjectives* mistake filled lives are gifts. Cherish every single second.

Top of the Heap

One of my very best friends is turning 20 on Friday. He wants to go to New York, and well, gosh darn it, we're going to New York! It started out as just he and I, and now it has branched out to several of our mutual friends (definetly not complaining there, although I absolutely love one and one time with all of my friends, having a big group is always a lot of fun too). We're going in to Manhatten, taking the train to Union Station from New Haven and wandering around from there. Our first stop of the day will be the TKTS center, where hopefully we'll find a cheapish musical that we can go to, same day. Those of us who don't want to see a musical/can't afford it can wander around in a group and we'll all meet up later for a really nice birthday celebratory dinner. It's going to be fabulous.

I always get a little nervous when I go to cities, particularly New York city (I haven't been since my junior year in high school... almost three years ago eek). So many people and buildings, and really really tall buildings at that.

People with briefcases and cell phones. People who couldn't care less about your well being. People who live in boxes, people who live out of shopping carts, people who only wear Prada, people who can't speak English. So many people, so much going on. It's such a culture shock to go from quiet suburbia to loud and blaring city.

I get the same way when I'm in Boston, but to a lesser extent. Boston is my kind of city, there are huge business districts but then it tapers off. And I think the T is much more doable than the New York subway system.

In any event, I'm very excited to be going in to the big city on Friday. I'm not excited about having to wake up at an ungodly hour, however. I'm very unpleasant when I haven't gotten my 8 hours, and based on my sleeping patterns I can almost guarantee I won't be getting my eight for Friday.

Now I just need to find something "cute"ish to wear. I have no fashion sense at all, but I do love fashion. I'm really gay, but I don't dress like a lumberjack (most of the time). I want an outfit that says "Hey, look over here, I'm really gay but I have style too!!"