The madre is coming for a visit today (a four hour drive total, bless her heart) and we're going to go out to late lunch and have a good time.
But I had to degay my room, which means I had to hide the rainbow flag, the poster of the girls sucking face, and loose the key chain that says "my parents told me I could be anything, so I became a lesbian."
When I am home, I have to act not gay. I don't act straight (I never really acted straight except when I was trying desperately to convince myself and everyone around me that I was straight, but that subsided sometime between the eighth grade and sophomore year) around anyone. I never talk about my crushes around my mom, or tell her how hurt I am when I am treated differently (something happened that I may or may not talk about in a coming post) or tell her what it's like to be me, really. Being me is great, I love who I am and how far I have come. I love life and everything about it, and I'm a lot healthier and happier than I've ever been as a result of my out-ness.
I just wish I could tell her. It hurts so much to feel like I'm hiding a huge part of who I am from her, from the person I used to be the closest to in the whole world. Ever since my father died it has been the madre and I, just the two of us putting our lives back together. I want so badly for her to know that I'm gay, and for her to not care at all. I'm not just gay, just like I'm not just a Christian, a college student, from the East Coast, the child of a single mother, the child of immigrants and Native Americans, of explorers and farmers. I'm just me, and I'm worth everything in the world, just like you. I want to be worth as much to the world as I know I am to me.
2 comments:
All of those wants are so normal. Every one of them. I was terrified to tell my parents I was gay. Thankfully, they accepted me, even though it was a painful process for them. One thing that really helped me (and them) was a book I someone recommended to me. It's called "Straight Parents, Gay Children." It's an older book, but in my opinion, still one of the best. It's written by the father of a lesbian who compiled a bunch of real-life stories from other parents. It validates what parents are feeling, yet gently explains what's going on for the gay child as well. My parents responded to it because it told them being sad, mad, fearful, etc. was normal. It didn't judge them for that. But it also told stories about mothers who turned their backs on children and who regretted it - whether the child died in a car accident, from Aids, etc. Lots of stories covering lots of situations - religion as well. If you haven't read it, it's a great resource. I hope you enjoy your visit with your mom ;)
Thanks! I'll definitely have to check that book out!
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