I haven't blogged all week because I haven't had much to say or very much on my mind. I got an A on my computer project (one out of three) and next week is my last week or my summer course. I'm pretty excited about passing statistics II and moving on with my life and sticking it to my bitch of a former professor.
I guess it's hard for me to move on from things that have happened recently, and I've been thinking about it a lot and unfortunately probably letting it affect my relationships. I guess the answer to that question is that moving on is in everyone's best interest and just letting go would do wonders for the current and future situations. But how can I move on when I'm so terrified that it's going to happen again? When I've been promised that it won't but I don't know because my trust was destroyed. I have never experienced such hatred in my life, from someone who I love so deeply.
It's hard to not blame yourself when things like that happen. Things changed in a minute and they will never ever be the same. I can't wait to go to London in September and go crazy in Europe and come back and move out for good. I'll never ever let myself be put through that again, I'll never ever let the person I love be put through that again and I'll never ever put the people I love through something like that. Ever.
I'm spending the weekend with Hillary up in MA. Hope everyone has a great weekend, if you're from around here let's hope the weather starts looking better.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
The Weekend From Hell
This was truly the worst weekend of my life and the worst birthday of my entire life. Worse than my ninth birthday, which was a terrible one because my father had died the November before my birthday and he had promised me he would make it to my ninth birthday. But I'm not bitter.
So I was home Friday afternoon when my mother and Naveen came home from work. I had been having a pretty horrible day, mainly because I was just down in the dumps and really would have rather been left alone. So I was carrying my dog downstairs, because Naveen is afraid of dogs and Puppy would have jumped all over him, so I had my arms full and I didn't really say hello to anyone, just because I didn't really care too much.
So I did my stuff, fed the dog, changed my clothes because we were going out to a fancy dinner, and went back to the living room. Then Hillary pulled in to the driveway from her 2 hour drive to CT straight from work and I went out to greet her. I wasn't being especially friendly with her just because I was feeling not myself. So I went inside then Hillary went inside and then we went up to my room so we could change (I wanted to change my shirt for the 15,000th time) and my mother followed us up and began berating me for being "rude" to Naveen. She basically told me that the people at work are rude to him and he felt as though he didn't belong here and that he was unwelcome because of my attitude.
So I went downstairs and my mother was still yelling about it, even though I wasn't being disrespectful of Naveen I just wasn't being myself. When I got downstairs my mother put Naveen on the spot and made him basically tell me how he was feeling. So I got up and went outside for a thought. I was just sitting out there when my mother went outside and continued to bitch at me more. I told her to go to dinner without me.
Then Hillary was sent outside to retrieve me, and I told her I just wanted to sit there and to be left alone, that was all I wanted. So my mother went back outside and I could smell a fight so I told Hillary to make herself scarce. So my mom and I fought some more, and she went inside, but not before telling me that if I didn't go inside in 10 minutes, Hillary had to leave. So Hill went outside so tell me my mother was making her leave, and I said fine I'll go with you. So we went inside and started to pack up our things when my mother burst into my room and screamed at Hillary to "leave her house" and Hillary quickly escaped from my room with her things. My mother slammed the door behind her and I was trapped in my room. I tried to get passed my mother, and I eventually did but not before my mother had broken one of my fingernails in half causing me to bleed everywhere and had choked me so I had red marks all around my neck and I was gasping.
So I grabbed my asthma meds and ran outside to find Hill sobbing on the phone with her mother. We got in her car and drove to a parking lot where my best friend met us and we told her what was going on. Hillary's mom was adament that Hillary drive home immediately and leave me. So Hillary drove me home and she and Kate waited on a side street while I talked to my mother.
My mother apologized and realized what she did was incredibly wrong, too little too late but an apology is an apology. I called Hillary to try to get her to come and discuss things with my mother but she refused and promptly drove away.
At this point I was beside myself because I had no clue what I had done to deserve any of this. I met Hillary in a parking lot with Kate again and I begged her to just hear my mother out, but she refused and said that until my mother and I got help for our issues, we were threw. And she left me there, sobbing. When I needed her the most, she wasn't there for me. The most unforgiveable and devastating part of that night, my twentieth birthday, was that the person I love the most couldn't even be there when I needed her.
So I went home and curled up in a ball, on my twentieth birthday. I couldn't sleep at all that night, and then Hillary called me at four am. We talked and decided to meet at the Peace Abbey in Sherborn, MA (a little over two hour drive for me) at noon. So we did, and Hillary apologized for abandoning me when I needed her most. We made amends and decided we do love each other and we are willing to do whatever it takes to be together.
So we decided to go get some lunch, and we drove back to school where we would consolidate cars and continue on from there. I guess on the way to school Hillary called her mother and told her we had patched things up and everything was okay again when Hillary's mom said that I am not allowed at their house, she is not allowed at my house and if she finds out that we are seeing each other Hillary would be kicked out of their house. Hillary was obviously devastated.
So she went home and went to a friend's house for the night. She went back today and her mother gave her the same ultimatum (backed up by her father) and she decided to leave her home, to take her things, and to move in with a friend until January when she and I are supposed to move in together.
Where I am right now:
She is adament about my mother and I getting help to resolve or come closer to resolving our issues together. What Hillary will never understand is that my mother and I love each other very much, and we have many unresolved issues (as many child parent relationships tend to be).
At this point in my life, I am living under my mother's roof. I am leaving for London in September and when I come back I will be home for a week before I move in to my own apartment, where I will be living until or beyond graduate school. I will never be living in this house again. This house is a crazy environment for me and I dislike it very much here, but I love my mother more than oxygen. This house is no longer my home, it is simple where I was raised and where I have to stay if I want to remain financially afloat for the time being. My mother and I get along much better when we aren't under the same roof.
There is a lot of history between my mother and I, we have many unresolved issues regarding my father's death and a lot of issues regarding me growing up and fleeing the nest so to speak. Hillary seems to have no compassion for the fact that my mother is having a hard time dealing with everything right now.
But she is my mother and I love her and I will stand by her to the death.
I can find another girlfriend, I can find someone else to provide with love and affection and happiness, but I can never find another mother. She is mine and she is all I have in this world.
I will not be told what to do and I will not be handed ultimatums or bullied into making decisions. That may work for Hillary's mother but it does not work for me and it does not work on me. I am my own woman, and so is my mother.
And so I am here, heartbroken, because the whole world is seemingly against me and I did nothing to deserve the treatment I received this weekend. I really truly wish that I could curl up in a ball and just be left alone and never have to face any of this mess that I did nothing to deserve.
Perhaps I'm not cut out for this. I suppose only time will tell. But until time tells, I am here, and I am devastated and alone and lost. If there is ever a time I needed to get down on my knees and pray for an answer, it is now.
I am far more realistic than Hillary's mother in that I know that bad things happen, and sometimes for no reason, but that life always goes on and forgiveness makes the heart so much healthier than to harp away and continue to be angry. I'm not angry anymore.
So I was home Friday afternoon when my mother and Naveen came home from work. I had been having a pretty horrible day, mainly because I was just down in the dumps and really would have rather been left alone. So I was carrying my dog downstairs, because Naveen is afraid of dogs and Puppy would have jumped all over him, so I had my arms full and I didn't really say hello to anyone, just because I didn't really care too much.
So I did my stuff, fed the dog, changed my clothes because we were going out to a fancy dinner, and went back to the living room. Then Hillary pulled in to the driveway from her 2 hour drive to CT straight from work and I went out to greet her. I wasn't being especially friendly with her just because I was feeling not myself. So I went inside then Hillary went inside and then we went up to my room so we could change (I wanted to change my shirt for the 15,000th time) and my mother followed us up and began berating me for being "rude" to Naveen. She basically told me that the people at work are rude to him and he felt as though he didn't belong here and that he was unwelcome because of my attitude.
So I went downstairs and my mother was still yelling about it, even though I wasn't being disrespectful of Naveen I just wasn't being myself. When I got downstairs my mother put Naveen on the spot and made him basically tell me how he was feeling. So I got up and went outside for a thought. I was just sitting out there when my mother went outside and continued to bitch at me more. I told her to go to dinner without me.
Then Hillary was sent outside to retrieve me, and I told her I just wanted to sit there and to be left alone, that was all I wanted. So my mother went back outside and I could smell a fight so I told Hillary to make herself scarce. So my mom and I fought some more, and she went inside, but not before telling me that if I didn't go inside in 10 minutes, Hillary had to leave. So Hill went outside so tell me my mother was making her leave, and I said fine I'll go with you. So we went inside and started to pack up our things when my mother burst into my room and screamed at Hillary to "leave her house" and Hillary quickly escaped from my room with her things. My mother slammed the door behind her and I was trapped in my room. I tried to get passed my mother, and I eventually did but not before my mother had broken one of my fingernails in half causing me to bleed everywhere and had choked me so I had red marks all around my neck and I was gasping.
So I grabbed my asthma meds and ran outside to find Hill sobbing on the phone with her mother. We got in her car and drove to a parking lot where my best friend met us and we told her what was going on. Hillary's mom was adament that Hillary drive home immediately and leave me. So Hillary drove me home and she and Kate waited on a side street while I talked to my mother.
My mother apologized and realized what she did was incredibly wrong, too little too late but an apology is an apology. I called Hillary to try to get her to come and discuss things with my mother but she refused and promptly drove away.
At this point I was beside myself because I had no clue what I had done to deserve any of this. I met Hillary in a parking lot with Kate again and I begged her to just hear my mother out, but she refused and said that until my mother and I got help for our issues, we were threw. And she left me there, sobbing. When I needed her the most, she wasn't there for me. The most unforgiveable and devastating part of that night, my twentieth birthday, was that the person I love the most couldn't even be there when I needed her.
So I went home and curled up in a ball, on my twentieth birthday. I couldn't sleep at all that night, and then Hillary called me at four am. We talked and decided to meet at the Peace Abbey in Sherborn, MA (a little over two hour drive for me) at noon. So we did, and Hillary apologized for abandoning me when I needed her most. We made amends and decided we do love each other and we are willing to do whatever it takes to be together.
So we decided to go get some lunch, and we drove back to school where we would consolidate cars and continue on from there. I guess on the way to school Hillary called her mother and told her we had patched things up and everything was okay again when Hillary's mom said that I am not allowed at their house, she is not allowed at my house and if she finds out that we are seeing each other Hillary would be kicked out of their house. Hillary was obviously devastated.
So she went home and went to a friend's house for the night. She went back today and her mother gave her the same ultimatum (backed up by her father) and she decided to leave her home, to take her things, and to move in with a friend until January when she and I are supposed to move in together.
Where I am right now:
She is adament about my mother and I getting help to resolve or come closer to resolving our issues together. What Hillary will never understand is that my mother and I love each other very much, and we have many unresolved issues (as many child parent relationships tend to be).
At this point in my life, I am living under my mother's roof. I am leaving for London in September and when I come back I will be home for a week before I move in to my own apartment, where I will be living until or beyond graduate school. I will never be living in this house again. This house is a crazy environment for me and I dislike it very much here, but I love my mother more than oxygen. This house is no longer my home, it is simple where I was raised and where I have to stay if I want to remain financially afloat for the time being. My mother and I get along much better when we aren't under the same roof.
There is a lot of history between my mother and I, we have many unresolved issues regarding my father's death and a lot of issues regarding me growing up and fleeing the nest so to speak. Hillary seems to have no compassion for the fact that my mother is having a hard time dealing with everything right now.
But she is my mother and I love her and I will stand by her to the death.
I can find another girlfriend, I can find someone else to provide with love and affection and happiness, but I can never find another mother. She is mine and she is all I have in this world.
I will not be told what to do and I will not be handed ultimatums or bullied into making decisions. That may work for Hillary's mother but it does not work for me and it does not work on me. I am my own woman, and so is my mother.
And so I am here, heartbroken, because the whole world is seemingly against me and I did nothing to deserve the treatment I received this weekend. I really truly wish that I could curl up in a ball and just be left alone and never have to face any of this mess that I did nothing to deserve.
Perhaps I'm not cut out for this. I suppose only time will tell. But until time tells, I am here, and I am devastated and alone and lost. If there is ever a time I needed to get down on my knees and pray for an answer, it is now.
I am far more realistic than Hillary's mother in that I know that bad things happen, and sometimes for no reason, but that life always goes on and forgiveness makes the heart so much healthier than to harp away and continue to be angry. I'm not angry anymore.
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