Song Memories

Do you have a song that means something to you? You were somewhere, doing something, and that song came on the radio and you will remember forever exactly what was happening in your life at that specific point in time.

I have a few songs like that, songs that really mean something to me. My happiest song memory is Gerry Mulligan's "Disk Jockey Jump." I love jazz and when I was younger all I listened to were Jazz and Big Band. I remember hearing "Disk Jockey Jump" on my cd player, sitting out in the sun outside my middle school on a summer day, all my friends playing jump rope and laying in the sun, being kids. I said to myself at that moment that I needed to remember it, I needed to remember summer and being young, and the way the saxophone sounds in your ears and feels in your soul.

My music teacher died when I was a senior in high school. It was February, there wasn't any snow on the ground that day. It was a bright, beautiful, sunny day. I was sitting in the cafeteria with a bunch of my friends. It was second period and we all had study hall. The principal came on the intercom and told the entire school that our orchestra teacher had died after a terrible battle with lukemia. I walked up to my friends who had been in orchestra with me from the time we were fourth graders, hugged them, cried with them. I took my books and walked down the hall to the music room, and dropped them everywhere when I found my best friend. We hugged and cried in the middle of the hallway. We made it to the music room, where the rest of the orchestra was sobbing, whispering, listening to music, holding one and other.

Eventually I went home, as many of us did. My mother came home and we drove around for the rest of the day, crying, wondering, praying.

He was a great man, with two beautiful children, and brilliant music flowing out of his fingertips.

Whenever I hear "Adam's Song" by Blink 182 I am reminded of the fall day my senior year in high school when the school counselors came to us during orchestra and told us all that our beloved teacher was dying, that he would never be coming back to teach us. I remember the wailing, the tears free flowing, the embraces. I had only recently gotten my driver's license, and I found Rhonda in the parking lot and blasted my iPod all over town. When Adam's Song came on shuffle, I started sobbing. I was sitting at a red light outside of the DQ and shaws on the pike, waiting to drive and drive and drive and get away from the sadness and never look back.

I wish I could get back before these things happened. I wish I was still playing basketball in the backyard, picking blackberries in the summer, rolling down the sanddunes on the cape with my cousins, sitting in orchestra cracking jokes with my teacher.

I just wish it would all slow down. I wish the good came more often then the bad. I wish terrible things didn't happen to brilliant and beautiful people. I wish amazing things happened to everyone, and there were never any fights and never any war and cancer never existed. But that's not life, is it?

And so it goes.

Kansas She Says Is the Name of the Star

I haven't had any time recently, but it's a Friday afternoon and I'm feeling particularly lazy, so I'm just laying around doing nothing and it's wonderful.

Halloween is a week from today and unfortunately I believe this year will be the first year that I won't be going trick or treating. As in.. up until this point in my life I have always gone trick or treating. I don't know what is happening to me, it's like I'm turning into an old lady.



That's me in the lion costume ("Wonder Aslan," because someone ripped my tail off and I had to cover the gaping hole on my butt with something, so I used my wonder woman cape), and two of my best buddies as Robin and Hobo Man. We're superheroes.

I'm going to a party on Halloween (which is a Friday this year and I don't even want to speculate about the utter mayhem) but it's a costume party, so being the careful spender that I am (ppffffft) I'm just going to be wonder aslan again this year. It was a big hit last year and I got a ton of candy and everyone loved my mane. And it's good to reuse things like that anyway so it's a win win situation.

It just occured to me that I haven't posted any pictures from Newfoundland


A lighthouse

A pretty purple flower

The view of a sunset from Signal Hill

From Signal Hill

More Signal Hill

An ancient as hell lighthouse

The waves were outrageous

More waves

On the road to Cape Spear

Signal Hill

This gives you a good idea of what St. John's looks like downtown

I think this is my favourite picture

Music

I'm pretty sure that's the most beautiful thing I've seen in a long time.












No more beautiful than this of course



That's the love of my life, Hillary Hahn. She looks so brooding in this picture, I love it.

I haven't picked up my mandolin in a shamefully long time, but every time I play after a long gap of time where I haven't played, my fingers always find their way to the right notes. I always play my violin (which doesn't make it any less meaningful than my mandolin, but I taught myself how to play the mandolin, something I only half did with the violin). There is nothing in life more wonderful than music.

I don't care much for Nietzsche, but when he said "Without music, life would be a mistake" he really hit the nail on the head.

Time That I'm Wasting

Does it make sense that I don't want to have a plan? I don't want safety. I don't want this anymore.

I love it here, more than words can describe. I have amazing friends, I'm learning incredible things, I'm living a fantastic life.

But I need something more, something different. I don't want to be on a schedule, I don't want to know what is going to happen next. I want every moment to be a surprise. I want everything I experience to be new, exciting, dangerous, unexpected.

Everyone is just so set in the routine here, there, everywhere.

I want to just get out of here and see the country, see the world, just keep driving forever. It's not a safe plan, it's not a smart plan. It's not even a plan.

But I feel like I'm wasting the best years of my life, when I could be out experiencing things for myself. I don't want to read about these things in a text book, I want to feel them with my own hands and see them with my own eyes.

I feel so trapped before I've always been taught that college is what you have to do, and I LOVE college so much, and it is so for me, but at the same time I feel like I'm missing something else that I will never be able to regain if I stay here.

But I will stay here, in safety, with a plan. I will graduate from college, get a job, go to grad school, continue working, get my masters, get a better job, hopefully have a family somewhere in there, save money for vacations and retirement and a home with a big yard and a bunch of animals. And I'll work, and go to school, and take care of my family and my home, and keep going. I don't want to just keep going, I want something new and exciting!

But going in circles isn't helping either. I hate feeling immobile.

What If No One's Watching

THE GAY STRAIGHT ALLIANCE WAS APPROVED!! I was soooo nervous and excited and anxious when I was talking to the student government association. It's really hard to get up in front of your peers and try to convince them of something, anything.

I am very relieved, however, that it was terribly obvious that the students who got to vote on our approval as an official club saw the necessity of this organisation.

I basically told them how it is: there is an incredibly diverse population at our college, and if your ethnic group wants a club it is more than likely that one already exists. But historically, the gay population at this college hasn't been so much swept under the rug, but it has simply gone unnoticed by the faculty and staff. It is so important to have an outlet if you're struggling, to know that there are people out there who have gone through what you're going through, to know that there are people who will listen and who will care about you no matter who you are. (I will say, though, that my college has NEVER made me feel like I am unwelcome because of my sexual orientation, in fact quite the opposite. I know how hard it is to come out, though, and coming out for me wasn't even all that hard when I think about it. I know there are kids out there who need more support than what I got, which was simply an 'okay you be you and I'll be me and that's how it's going to be.')

So tonight is the first meeting of the GSA and the whole E-Board (which basically consists of the lacrosse team and two of our best non-Team Awesome friends) is so pumped. We've been discussing events we could host, and at this point we've got a drag show in the works and a big movie night. The drag show is going to be epic, and we're planning on having a cover charge and sending the proceeds to charity. The movie night will just be awesome because who doesn't love But I'm a Cheerleader and Imagine Me and You? And Philidelphia, but that's sad.

My Child Development professor asked me to see her after class today, which is always scary, so I went and talked to her and she was all excited about something I wrote for a "major assignment." She's sharing it with the rest of the psych department and she says my "critical thinking abilities are incredible for a sophomore psych major." I thanked her very much for her compliments and told her I think it comes with the territory, being an English and Psych double major, but I am still very flattered.

My roommate is basically going to kill me if I don't ask this girl out. She (my roommate) thinks I'm silly for not having done so already, and she doesn't really understand it, and I don't really know how to explain it. I'm a very independent person and I like having my own free space and time, and being in a relationship really cuts one's autonomy down. And, I don't need to be with someone to be happy. My friends make me happy, my classes make me happy, going to parties makes me happy, writing and reading and diving into leaf piles and thinking and watching movies and laughing. I'm just a generally happy person, why change a good thing?

But I do really like this girl, and I would like to ask her out, but I need to scope out the situation a little more first. Allyson (my roommate) is the straightest girl I ever met, and she doesn't understand that if I ask this girl out and she isn't ready to be out yet, or to know that it's obvious to the rest of the world that she's gay, she might be horrified or resent me, which would make me feel terrible and ruin any chance I had with her in the first place. Al did make a good point though when she said "we're not telepathic" which is true, I guess. I dunno, I could be telepathic if I tried hard enough. :-P

More like telepathetic.

So it's been a great couple of days here in the life of Rachel :-D now I just need to finish my research methods work and I can get to sleep tonight.

No Bigots Were Harmed in the Making of this Blog

After the little escapade of Friday night, the weekend went very well.

I went to Ptown on Saturday with the Madre and her friend from work. There is just something about that place that is so... right. It's just so right. It's sad that I won't be able to get back out there until the Spring, but I'm so glad I discovered it. Best discovery ever.

I have the meeting with the student government association today to talk about the GSA and very hopefully get approval. Wish me luck!