Friday, December 19, 2008

Thurs a Storm A'Brewin


(That's Bryce Canyon, definitely worth the trip if you ever get the chance. I found it more impressive than the Grand Canyon.)

I feel slightly guilty about this weather... It's totally all my fault.

I left Massachusetts blanketed with snow yesterday, ice everywhere you stepped, hard snow crunching beneath your sandals (everyone wears sandals in the snow, right?). Today, Connecticut is being pelted with winter storm Austin. I know Connecticut, it's all my fault, I am eternally sorry.

Personally, I am indifferent to snow. It was fun when I was younger and I could run outside and roll around in it and build snow people, and my big black dog Candy would jump through the snow piles and chase snow flakes (she had a few loose nuts and bolts in the attic). Now it's just... work. Well, at home it's work, because although my mother assures me she can do it herself (and she does and can, as much as that pains me), I like to be useful. And so I shovel, in my sweatpants and my sneakers because I haven't owned snowpants or boots since middle school.

Good luck to everyone in their shoveling pursuits today and tomorrow! If you could, say a prayer for my friend on his way home to Ireland (his flight is this evening out of Boston and I doubt that he'll be leaving on time) that his flight isn't terribly delayed and that it is safe.

Oh, and say one for Hillary and her family and friends too and everyone out there in East Jesus Nowhere, Massachusetts. A lot of them are still without power as a result of the ice storms, and it's a terrible time to be without heat. If there is anything you wish for for Christmas, wish that everyone can be happy, safe and warm.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Commence Winter Break

Today was move out day, the official end of Fall Semester '08. Next stop, Spring '09! It's very bittersweet, because I've wanted to be home so badly for so long, to be with the animals and spend time with the madre and my friends. But I have a life at school, I have friends who I will miss dearly and who I can't call up at any given time and tell them to meet me at the starbucks in the centre of town. I have a girlfriend who I won't see for several weeks, if not a month, because she lives close to three hours away. I'm very torn in different directions.

Alls I know is, I'M GOING TO DISNEY NEXT WEEK FOR CHRISTMAS! We're taking the madre's friend from India and meeting my aunt and uncle down there and spending 5 days there around the holiday. I love Christmas in Disney. If there is any place I'd like to be to celebrate anything, it's Disney World. Except, I like celebrating the birth of Christ at Church, and I'm sad I'll be missing it this year because it's my pastor's last year here, but Disney will be nice.

This time last year the entire family was gathering itself together and meeting down in Disney (at the beginning on January, not over Christmas, that would have been chaos) for the 10 year anniversary of my father's death, and a super huge celebration of his life. His grandchildren were there, his daughters were there, his wife and former wife was there, his nieces and nephews and their children, his brothers and sisters in law. It was epic. I miss those days.

I feel like I have two lives, two lives which converge every so often, but for the most part remain in their separate spheres. It's a strange feeling, but I'm going to miss it when it's gone.

So now I'm home, in CT, pondering my naval and doing nothing but job hunting, going to Disney, and missing my absent friends, and missing Hillary even though it's only been a few hours since we said goodbye. But, I am LOVING the fact that I don't have to deal with statistics or research methods for a whole month. Absolutely loving it.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Bigger Than Me

Life is amazing to me. Seeing my little niece of nephew up on that monitor today, wiggling his or her little arms and legs, his or her little heart pounding away, definitely gave me a different perspective. We're so small, and yet so significant.

I can't wait for the little one to be here, to see the little hands and feet I saw up on that monitor, to hold those little hands.

Everything has been so overwhelming lately. School work is consuming my life, exams will be over on Thursday and then the semester ends and winter break begins. Home for a month of searching for work, hanging out with my friends, and missing Hillary. I've never experienced anything that feels like this before, and it's all so overwhelming. She looks in my eyes and I know she is sincere, and I can see that she can see that I probably definitely love her. I feel so vulnerable, but I like it.

It scares me that she is a senior, and that we live in different states, and that she will be graduating and going to graduate school and forgetting about the girl she is leaving behind. I don't think she will forget about me, though, because I know I won't forget about her. She makes me smile so big, and laugh so much. She holds my hand in front of her friends, she listens to what I have to say about my life, she can hear the joy and the pain, and she holds me and suddenly everything melts away and it's just life, and it's just love.

This love thing is so much bigger than me.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Calling All Angels

This was quite possibly the laziest weekend of my life, or at least my incredibly chaotic life as of late. Hillary (my girlfriend) and I played house all weekend (she made me cinnebuns in bed), went to the macaroni grill on Friday where we proceeded to eat none of our food (even though we hadn't eaten all day and we had both had exams) and near fall asleep at the table to the point where our waiter (Marc was a cool dude) was concerned about us, and tonight we went to Fridays and ate the first meal since Thursday. It was a good weekend, Hillary and I get along very well and we have a lot of fun. I've never been able to laugh and be silly with someone I was dating before, maybe it's the mark of an adult relationship, or maybe Hillary and I just have something special.

I told her I have never been in love, and I don't know what love feels like. The deepest love I've ever felt is the love I have for my niece and nephew. When I held my niece for the first time in the hours after she was born, I looked God in the face, and He smiled back. That's the realest love I've ever felt in my life. I'm very clueless about romantic love. All I know is that when I look in Hillary's eyes, the rest of the world melts away and it's just us, and complete happiness. I don't know if love is complete happiness, I don't know if love is aching when you know you won't see her for an extended period of time, I don't know if love is taking her hand and running through freezing parking lots laughing, singing David Bowie and Cher until 4 am, watching stupid movies, but not caring, because we're together. I don't know if it's love, but I like it.

Tomorrow I'm going to the Brigham with my sister and my nephew for her ultrasound. I'm so excited that words can't even express my sheer joy. I've never been to an ultrasound before, and I'm probably going to weep. I love these kids so much that it hurts.

Wish me luck, that I don't weep too much and make a fool of myself.