Saturday, October 11, 2008

Green Places

Happy national coming out day!

National coming out day isn't very much fun when you're not in the States. But I'm out, so woo yay for outness. Although I still refuse to let my mother into my dorm room, for fear that she will have a coronary. I feel like she's okay with the fact that I'm gay, but she probably won't be okay with the fact that I really truly like women, and I don't hide that fact (if that makes any sense).

I'm still basking in the glow of CT's decision to legalise same sex marriage.

Today was basically uneventful, except for the fact that I had my first (and then second) ever legal drink (in Canada). I ordered something called a paralyser, and it was delicious, sort of like a mudslide only much less thick, maybe more like kalua. And then I had two glasses of Australian white wine. And then I teetered out the door. And they never even carded me! The meal was very good also, but the conversation was the best part of the dinner (and although the trip isn't done, I am going to go out on a limb here and say it will be the best part of this holiday).

My favorite story tonight was probably when my uncle was telling me about being in the army in '69. His platoon was told to go out on the base and clean up anything bigger than a cigarette butt, so they did. But as they were picking up litter, they also picked daises and wild flowers and stuck them in their uniforms. The sixties.

Monday is Thanksgiving but we're celebrating tomorrow, which will be nice. Good food is ALWAYS a welcome change from the standard food at school. And I've been eating nothing but good food since I hopped in the car Thursday night, and that is DEFINITELY something to be thankful for. I'm reading Amazing Grace by Kozol right now and it's incredible and very eye opening. If you're familiar with anything by Kozol you've probably been moved to tears and or made physically ill. I was reading the past I'm about to quote when I had a free minute at work the other day and, luckily for me, there was no one around because I need to maintain my tough facade, but I literally started crying.

"I ask them, 'Is this a good country?'
'No,' says Chevonne.
'Somewhere,' says Kimberly.
'Where?' I ask.
'Maybe in Connecticut,' she says.
'Why Connecticut?'
'It's quiet there,' she says. 'They have green places.'"

I take for granted the quiet and the green. I wish I could scoop all these children up in my arms and save them from the country that doesn't give a damn about them, save them from the world that wouldn't even notice if they were gone. I don't know what to do, I don't know where to begin. I think that's why I want to be a psychologist, and why I want to work with adolescents. I don't want my hands to be clean. If you have the ability you should take full advantage of the opportunity to help, and this world, this country, these people, they need our help.

Friday, October 10, 2008

O... Connecticut???

Okay everything needs to slow down and freeze for a hot second.

THE CONNECTICUT SUPREME COURT RULED IN FAVOUR OF LEGALISING SAME SEX MARRIAGE TODAY!!!

oH MY GOD

I was taking a nap in the hotel room in St. John's, Newfoundland this afternoon when I was awoken to my mother saying "Oh my gosh Rachel! Did you hear?"

To which I could only mumble "Uhm, no, I am asleep."

And then she told me that our state, the place I called home for most of my life, where I was born and raised, has come to the conclusion that "love is all you need."

Connecticut has never made me feel insignificant in any way, as a state, or as the town I live in, or the public school system I attended or the jobs I've had or the church I go to. I've always felt that I mattered, that I was a contributing member of society in my own way, just like everyone else I interacted with (or didn't). I feel that everyone matters, and by golly today Connecticut confirmed that conviction.

I wish I were in Hartford right now, so so so bad. If I weren't here for Thanksgiving I would be in Hartford right now decked out in rainbow glory and being riotously loud. All I can say is that Connecticut, you picked a terrible time to do this. Why couldn't you do this when I am home? Alas.

As an aside, Newfoundland is awesome. I'm having a great time, even though local time is a little after 12:30, and I've been up since 4:30 yesterday morning.

The weather was great today, and I went to my favourite spot in St. John's for a bit and then back to my uncle's house for good food and great conversation.

My favourite quote on the evening: On why my Newfie friend should be McCain's VP:
"Forget Palin, we can see fucking Ireland from here!"

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Holiday Road

I have work 5-8 tonight, but as soon as I'm done there I'm getting in the car and going to a hotel.

We leave for Logan at 5 am tomorrow morning. I'm not exactly sure when the flight is, but I know it's pretty much insane to be up and functional at that hour.

I believe we stop in Toronto, which is weird because usually when we go we go through Montreal. I don't really mind because I think Quebecers are kind of stuck up (mon mauvais if you are from Quebec) and I don't really like that airport, but I do know my way around very well. I will be completely lost in Toronto, but it's all about the experience.

I think we're on a legitimate plane from Boston to Toronto, usually we have to take puddle jumpers all the way to Canada and then they put us on a real plane from Montreal to St. John's.

I've been having to show everyone where exactly Newfoundland is, because whenever anyone in this part of the country thinks of Canada they think of Montreal, or Toronto. Anything beyond Quebec and Ontario is too foreign.

The province of Newfoundland and Labrador is the furthest North east Canadian province. St. John's is the capital of Newfoundland, and just outside the city is the easternmost point in North American, which is pretty cool (lots of WWI stuff).

This is a pretty long break for me (and I can totally use it). It will be great to have real food on Monday for Thanksgiving, catch up with the fam, spend some quality time with the madre. It'll be chilly though, and I don't really care for the cold.

I'm very excited. As soon as 8 o'clock rolls around, I'm officially on vacation (a vacation where I have to bring boatloads of homework and where I'll be stuck doing work for the better part of the time, but it will be wonderful none the less)!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Going Back

My mind kept running around today, much like the rest of me. I kept drifting between statistics and memories; child development and my own childhood. For some reason I found myself sitting on a porch in upstate New York, my arms wrapped around my big black dog, grass stains on my knees that no amount of scrubbing would ever take away.

My parents, my dog Candy, and I were in upstate New York for a family reunion. I was seven years old. My father was still very alive. We were all still very alive.

We stayed in a KOA, in a cabin with a huge front porch. I remember the bunk beds. They put me on the top bunk, upon my insistance. Candy had to sleep tied to the front porch, because dogs weren't allowed in the cabins.

I remember the sun, how warm the sun was then. Even the nights were comfortable, like a warm hug. There was a creek running near the cabins where the little kids would play. I remember laying on my back in the shallow creek, pebbles all along my back and between my toes. The water was like bath water, but it felt so good between my fingers, splashing in the sunlight, making the grass stick to me when I rolled around with Candy.

Daddy taught me how to make a s'more on that trip. He held me when the four of us sat by the fire at night. My mallow lit on fire and he quickly blew it out, but it was already burnt. Even now, though, I can't eat marshmallows that aren't burnt. They're only delicious if they have a layer of burnt mallow on the outside.

Every morning I would get up early, jump down from the bunk, open the door and lay on the porch with Candy. We were best friends. She still is my best friend in many ways. You only have a first dog once. Candy never bit me, never even nipped me. We would have races in the back yard. She always seemed to know what I meant when I said "on your mark, get set go!" because she would bolt as soon as I said go. When I was little I would hang on her neck, dress her in my girl scout uniform and force her to be the mom and I would be the dad when we played house. Candy never objected to the attention I gave her, to the little brown vests I put on her. She seemed to be the most content when she was laying on the living room floor and I would rest my head on her chest and the two of us would fall asleep. My head would rise and fall with her breathing, and I would drift off to sleep with my fingers running through her thick black fur.

When she got older and I could actually beat her in a race, I knew her racing days were over. I was fifteen when she stopped running with me. I was sixteen when I had to carry her to the car, her head resting on my shoulder, her dry nose nuzzling my neck. I was sixteen when I had to lift my best friend up with my own two hands and my own two arms, to look into her deep brown eyes, to lay my head on her chest one last time. My head rose and fell on her chest one last time, and I ran my fingers through her tear streaked fur.

But when my mind wanders, I'm usually nowhere near the classroom, I'm usually far from the four walls of my dorm. I'm laying on a porch in upstate New York, my head resting on Candy's chest, rising and falling, my hand buried in her fur, grass stains streaking my skin. I smell like fire, and muddy water, and worms. Candy smells like dirt, and smoke, and wet dog. We're still seven years old, the world still begins and ends with what Mom puts on our plates, how late we will be able to stay outside, what games daddy is going to play with us.

When I think on it, I can go back, and everyone is still so alive. I wish I could really go back.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Respect

Tomorrow is the 10 year anniversary of the brutal beating of Matthew Shepard.

I don't understand why, or how, things like this can happen.

I don't understand why, or how, things like this continue to happen.

October 12 is the 10 year anniversary of Matthew's death.

10 years, brief, full of change and tumult and joy.

And it saddens me that, under our current administration, anyone who isn't a heterosexual, upper middle class white man, is for all intents and purposes and second class citizen.

Matthew Shepard wasn't a second class citizen. None of us are. Give me the freedom I have under the Constitution. Let me take the freedom I was promised by virtue of my birth, let me hold it in my hands. Give me the freedom to life, to liberty, and to the pursuit of happiness. I'm an American too.

Freedom to me isn't simply the right to breathe, the right to exist, the right to walk freely, to travel freely, to eat good food, to work, to attend whichever school I want, to attend whichever school I can afford. I am free to do all those things and more.

Freedom, rather, is my confidence in my government, in the individuals I elect, in the individuals who represent me, to do my will. I want them to respect me. Is it so hard to respect me?

"The White House"
Claude McKay

Your door is shut against my tightened face,
And I am sharp as steel with discontent;
But I possess the courage and the grace
To bear my anger proudly and unbent.
The pavement slabs burn loose beneath my feet,
A chafing savage, down the decent street;
And passion rends my vitals as I pass,
Where boldly shines your shuttered door of glass.
Oh, I must search for wisdom every hour,
Deep in my wrathful bosom sore and raw,
And find in it the superhuman power
To hold me to the letter of your law!
Oh, I must keep my heart inviolate
Against the potent poison of your hate.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

The Greatest Weekend EVER!!

I don't even know where to begin with how SPECTACULAR my weekend was.

The happenings of Friday morning couldn't bring me down. I went to Target Friday afternoon, got a new outfit for the festivities, had the greatest bagel ever at dunkin donuts, came back to school to get my friends and drove into Cambridge.

We got to Cambridge, found a parking garage, found a bathroom in a grocery store (with escalators, it was amazing), figured out where we needed to go for the concert later in the evening, and got in the T to get to our first stop. The hookah bar.

We went to this place called Tantric, an Indian food restaurant slash hookah bar. My friend ordered mint Naan, which was the most fantastic thing for my very hungry self, and we ordered a honey flavoured hookah for three. It was so unbelieveably awesome. I personally really enjoy smoking, but I am very aware of the health risks, which is why I don't smoke on a regular basis. I can see myself going to a hookah bar every once in a while, though, on special occasions like "the best weekend ever." The waitress was amazing, too. She thought (or knew) how ridiculous we were and thought it was the funniest thing.

After we Hookahed, we walked around for a bit, trying to warm up (Friday night was freezing, and you can't smoke inside), and then headed back to Cambridge, where we got terribly lost but eventually found our way to The Middle East. We were there to see The Ray Hendrix's Revival (their last show), but I didn't really care for them. The first two bands, whose names' escape me now, were actually pretty good, kind of Sublime-esque. We had the good fortune of finding a bench where the three of us could sit, out of the way of all the drinkers.

So there we were, sitting and listening to the music and watching the drunks do outrageous things, when a woman walks up to me, literally sits in my lap and says "don't worry.. I won't bite." I've never been so taken-aback in my life. I just sat there, stammering and blushing, while she continued to attempt to have a conversation with me. But the music was so loud and I couldn't hear anything she was saying, she was practically in my ear and I still couldn't hear her. But we had a moment, and my friends were in utter disbelief, but eventually the woman got up and walked away. It was pretty freakin awesome, even though she did get away.

We left the bar a little after 1 am. I was trying to navigate Boston traffic on a Friday night, with no help at all from my GPS (who I call Betsy). Betsy was being a big bitch this weekend. At one point she told me to drive 400 feet INTO THE CHARLES RIVER! It was pretty terrifying, but still hilarious. We made it back to campus by 2:30 (we made a pit stop at Wendy's) and I was asleep by 4.

Saturday was just... insane, to say the very least. I got up at 11, talked to my friend in the city, got ready and started driving to the closest T station (like 10 minutes tops). They were doing roadwork yesterday, so the ride there took closer to 25 minutes. After I paid 3.75 for parking, I realised I left my cell phone in my room, and I had to drive all the way back to school. I got back here and discovered my phone was in my pocket the entire time. At that point in time I was really not having a good time at all, and I made my way back to the T station, paid another 3.75, and got on the train.

We got to Eliot and they told us all to get off the train, because it was going out of service. so there we are, an entire train full of people, standing in the woods of Massachusetts. Any residual joy from the night before was fading fast, so I called my best friend and talked to her, and my day got better. A train came within 15 minutes, I got in to the city, had lunch and starbucks with my friends from home and all was right with the world.

Last night was Tegan and Sara in Worcester, and it was such a fantastic concert!!! Tegan and Sara are one of my favourite bands, their music is almost indescribeable. Their opening bands were Girl in a Coma (we were in the balcony for them, so the sound kind of sucked but they were really into it, which was cool) and City and Colour (which is bed time music if you ask me, but he has such an amazing voice). And then Tegan and Sara came on, and I screamed like a little girl (at this point we were in the sea of people in front of the stage) and jumped around. They are so adorable, as my friend Mark put it. After every song they say "Oh, thanks so much!" when the audience applaudes. I just want to be like "Oh no no, thank you so much for rocking my socks clean off my feet." And they're hott too.

The girl behind me in the line to get in was talking about how she wanted to get as close to Tegan as possible. And then she proceeded to point me out to the dude she was with and he said something along the lines of "Ooo, yeah you're into the butch types aren't you."

I could have turned around and decked him, but I didn't. Labels make me so disgruntled. I'm just me, I'm doing what's right for me at any given moment in my life. I'm not trying to please anybody. I don't want a chick to like me for what I dress like or what I act like, I want her to like me because I'm Rachel. But I'm over it. Labels make people more comfortable.

In any event, Tegan and Sara was an amazing concert, and I will definitely be seeing them again when their next album comes out.

I got tons of pictures and videos.



If I absolutely had to pick a favorite Tegan and Sara song... it would probably be "Nineteen." I love that song so much, mainly because I am 19 (I love "Nineteen" the way I loved Janis Ian's "At Seventeen" when I was 17, but I think everyone loves that song when they're 17, or all the time) and "Nineteen" is a very accurate description of my first serious relationship.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqJbHM-KGWU

Every time she calls me, or texts me, or IMs me, this song pops into my head. It's not fair, she is almost four years older than me. She should have known better than to mess around with a freshman's emotions. I guess we all make mistakes. Lesson learned.

I'm not bitter.

Moving on. I love Tegan and Sara, they're very raw and VERY real.

I love concerts. The last one I went to was Celine, and True Colors before that.

Thursday my friend bought tickets to see Ani DiFranco at Symphony Hall in November. I am peeing my pants with joy!!!!! Ani... DiFranco... I will weep at that concert.

And next weekend I'm going to Canada!!! My life is pretty much an unbelieveable blur of wonderful right now.