Back Into My Head

I'm usually very content with my life and the way things are going, particularly now that I'm relatively happy in the decisions I make and have made in the recent past.

I'm very happy about my choice in college, my choice in majors, what I plan to do with my future, the friends I have made and retained, my relationships in my family, etc. Quitting my job made me kind of sad, but I hated it (I did quit, by the by...). I feel confident that I will be a productive member of society in whatever I pursue after college, after graduate school, etc.

I want to help LGBTQ teens/young adults, that's what I REALLY want to do. I just want to hug them all and tell them that it's really going to be okay. I wish someone had done that for me when I was 12, 14, 16. Thankfully I did have someone to literally hug me and tell me that it really was okay, which led to my coming out (for the most part). I also want to open up my own practice, and I won't overcharge people. I think there is a HUGE mental health crisis in this nation in particular that needs to be remedied. I'd like to help in any way I can.

But I very often find myself getting into a weird funk about being a big lez. I love myself. I took me a long time to get to the point where I could love myself, but I really do. But sometimes I wonder and get scared.

I'm scared that I'll never be able to find her. I'm scared that she doesn't exist, or that I'll find her too late in life. I'm scared that I don't open up my heart enough for her, so that even if I do find her, she won't know it's me, she won't know we're meant to be together. I've been hurt, really bad, and I'm over it emotionally, but I still have the "scars" to prove it so to speak. One of the scars is my reluctance to get too emotional.

I'm scared that I'll never be able to get married, when and if I do find her. We'll fall in love and live in a cozy house somewhere, and she'll have her job and I'll have mine, and we'll have a managerie of animals, but we'll never have the same rights as heterosexual couples. People will stare at us when we walk down the street holding hands. They'll never let us adopt or go through invetro, or those things will be too expensive. I fear that things just won't go our way.

I wonder if my family will accept me. I wonder if my family will accept my partner. I wonder if they'll say the cruel things about me that they do about other homosexuals, minorities, etc. I wonder if they will love me less.

I wonder if my pastor, if my church community, will accept me and will accept my partner. I am a religious person, and I love the community I have come to know. If they couldn't accept me, I don't know what I would do.

I'm just worried about all these things that I have absolutely no control over. I think the scariest aspect is that I am powerless, the people who love me and accept me are powerless. I just want everything to be okay. I can't be straight, I've tried so hard, but I just can't. I wish I felt like it was okay to be me. Usually I do, but when I get into moods like this I feel like it's never going to be okay ever again.