You Have To Be You

I guess this post is about being confused. I've been there before so I know what it's like, certainly. I guess I've just never been the cause of someone's confusion before, that I'm aware of at least. I'm not really in to the general Thursday night festivities that go on on most college campuses, but last night was the exception. Two of my friends and I split two bottles of wine and a bottle of vodka while watching Season 3 of the L Word. Meanwhile, while all of this was going on, I had taken two sudafed not more than 10 minutes before we started drinking on an almost empty stomach and, although I didn't get sick, I did get drunk pretty quick.

I got sick (couldn't stop sneezing, super congested, couldn't breathe hardly through my nose) in the 45 minutes between research methods and lab yesterday. I was so congested and there was so much pressure behind my left eye that I gave myself a black eye (literally gave myself a black eye, I'm chaulking it up to the amount of pressure behind my eye and the fact that I kept rubbing it because it was watery).

So there I was, drunk with a black eye, on a futon with my best friend at college and the cofounder and copresident of the GSA who was passed out on my right and her roommate who was watching the L word with me on my left. Eventually the effects of the sudafed/wine wore off for me, and the effects of the alcohol wore off for theother two, and we were just tired, laying in the dark. I lay there for a long time listening to my best friend's sleep breathing and watching the L word with her roommate.

And then suddenly I was kissing my best friend's roommate.
And then suddenly I was in her bed.
And then suddenly it was 8:30 in the morning and I was walking across campus back to my room. My roommate was sitting at her computer when I walked into the room and all she said to be was "Oh my God Rachel I've been worried sick about you you have no idea you need to call me the next time you have an impromtu sleep over I was worried sick up till 3 am..." (she said this all in one breath) and then she saw my neck and she said "hold on girl you need to sit down and tell me everything," which I didn't obviously because that would be rude, and I proceeded to sleep from 8:30 to 1:30 in the afternoon.

I knew my best friend's roommate was confused, and I know how easy it is to be confused. The girl loves Ani Difranco and plaid, let's be real. Totally kidding, big stereotypage, many apologies. My best friend knows all about it now from when she woke up and was confronted with her roommate's neck. She seems to think it was beneficial for her roommate, which is a relief for me because I feel bad to be adding to her confusion. At least she knows me and can trust me and she wasn't going out and getting trashed and hooking up with some random stranger.

I guess I'm just confused for her. I personally think labels make life easier, but at the same time they oversimplify things. What I told her today I think is applicable to most situations, in regards to her feeling of being pressured into choosing a category for herself from the day she entered college (she is now a senior): Going to a women's college doesn't make you a lesbian, liking girls doesn't make you a lesbian and even sleeping with girls doesn't make you a lesbian. As much as I joke about it, you are what you are and what you identify yourself as and that's that. You can't be what anyone else wants to classify you as, you have to be you.

I really like her, but I think I really like her as a friend, which is where my own confusion comes in to play. Not to mention the fact that I don't think she is interested in dating anyone (male or female), I think she is interested in discovering who she is, and I'm glad I could play a role, even a small role, in the formulation of her own self image, and that she could play a role in mine.

It's just a lot to think about, and I tend to overthink things far too much as it is.

"...or if the weather was bad, you could just sit under the yellow light on your front porch and enjoy the sound of the rain hitting the tin roofs."
- Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe