I just needed some time. Obviously things aren't 100%, and who knows they might not be for a very long time, but I'm thinking right now I'm at around 50-75%. I can't let it get me down because I need to focus on my life, my studies and my future.
I can't just sit around and wallow all day, nor do I want to. Tomorrow night I'm going out drinking with one of my best friends, Thursday night I'm probably doing the same, and this weekend is going to be a shitshow (the Berlin Fair in CT, if you're in the area you should go, it's a little on the hillbilly side but it's fantastic). I'm 21 years old and I have to do me, and if others try and get me down I just have to cut them out of my life. It's hard because we live together, and because I want to be her friend and so much of me wants to go back to being in a romantic relationship with her, but I can't force anything right now. The only thing I can force is the smile on my face, whether faked or genuine. There are people in my life who need me to be strong and need me to keep trudging uphill, and so that's what I'm going to do. And some day I'm going to get back to the top of the hill, look down and say "I made it home."
For right now I feel like I'm three people trapped in one person's body (not like dissociative identity disorder or anything), and it's kind of funny because it took this huge blow out break up to make me see it. I feel like the person I was before I studied abroad, the person I was when I was abroad, and the person I am not (post-study abroad) are all battling it out to see who will get to control me. I grew up so much when I was abroad, enough to see that some things matter less than others (especially at 21 years). I learned that when you fall, sometimes the only person who can pick you up is you, no matter who tries to grad your hand and pull you up. The person I used to be though didn't know those things, was very dependent and immature. When I was abroad I shined it on like I was brave, but inside I was terrified more often then not. So now I have the kid, the coward, and the adult fighting for the claim over my personality.
The only thing all three of those people have in common is that eventually, maybe not right away but eventually, they all accept what is happening and learn to deal. And if that isn't a blessing I don't know what is.
So life isn't great right now, but it is good and it is real and here and everything wonderful. I believe I've said before that to feel anything, be it pain, anger, joy, fear, or any of the multitude of adjectives to describe human emotion, is not truly the "point" in life. The point in life is to feel anything and everything and appreciate the gift of emotion for what it is. If we are feeling, we are alive.
Showing posts with label my amazing life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label my amazing life. Show all posts
Monday, September 27, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Conservatives Beware
Sarah Palin admits to crossing Canadian border for health care
That was basically the best thing I heard all day. Thanks to the array of liberal blogs that I read daily, I am a very happy camper today.
I keep getting in fights (over facebook, no less) with one of my cousins. He is ten or so years older than I am, he dropped out of college and joined the Navy for seven years when he was my current age. He couldn't hack it at college, and he knew he couldn't hack it as a pilot like his father was in the Air Force and he didn't want to go to the front lines with the Army or the Marines, so he joined the Navy. Now, don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with that. The bottom line is, he didn't join the Navy because he is patriotic or felt a sense of duty to his country. He joined up because he didn't want to get shot at, to learn new skills or have to really do anything. He joined the Navy and worked in the boiler rooms as someone who keeps the ship running because he just could not hack it in the real world, either finishing college or getting a job.
He dropped out of college because they asked him to leave because he is/was an alcoholic and never went to class or did his work.
And he's a conservative bigot who thinks that, because he is a white heterosexual male (with a wife and three little boys, who will all be brainwashed by their good for nothing father) he is entitled to put others down and his opinion is always right.
We fight about everything, because he is "extremely right" and I am "extremely left." He thinks socialism is the worst idea he's (n)ever heard, and I think, after extensive reading and studying the matter, that socialism is one of the best economic systems imaginable.
He doesn't want to do his research, he doesn't want to hear what the other side has to say. All he wants is to spout off his opinions and for everyone to hear him and tell him how right he is.
Well I'm simply not going to do that. I'm not going to go belly up to him because he is a white heterosexual American male with too much free time and not enough common sense. And that pisses him off to no end.
If, at the end of the day, I can sufficiently piss off a conservative, I have done my job, and it will have been a good day.
The only word of advice I have for conservatives: do your research. If you're going to say this that and the other thing about socialism, make sure you've actually read the Communist Manifesto. If you say that socialism and communism are the same thing, you sound like a dumbass so go back to middle school. I read the Communist Manifesto for the first time in the 7th grade. Now, I know that many conservatives didn't make it that far in their education, since they were too busy worshipping idols and preparing for the rapture, but there is no excuse for talking about things that you haven't researched.
If you come to me spouting off your ideas and telling me that I'm wrong (unless, of course, I am wrong. There is nothing wrong with being wrong, there is something wrong with being wrong AND STILL trying to impress yours wrongness on others), I will ram you into the ground with knowledge and vitriol so hard that you'll have to go crying back to your mommy.
Nothing would satisfy me more than to know that I've made my 30 year old cousin go crying to my aunt because I schooled him over facebook.
That was basically the best thing I heard all day. Thanks to the array of liberal blogs that I read daily, I am a very happy camper today.
I keep getting in fights (over facebook, no less) with one of my cousins. He is ten or so years older than I am, he dropped out of college and joined the Navy for seven years when he was my current age. He couldn't hack it at college, and he knew he couldn't hack it as a pilot like his father was in the Air Force and he didn't want to go to the front lines with the Army or the Marines, so he joined the Navy. Now, don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with that. The bottom line is, he didn't join the Navy because he is patriotic or felt a sense of duty to his country. He joined up because he didn't want to get shot at, to learn new skills or have to really do anything. He joined the Navy and worked in the boiler rooms as someone who keeps the ship running because he just could not hack it in the real world, either finishing college or getting a job.
He dropped out of college because they asked him to leave because he is/was an alcoholic and never went to class or did his work.
And he's a conservative bigot who thinks that, because he is a white heterosexual male (with a wife and three little boys, who will all be brainwashed by their good for nothing father) he is entitled to put others down and his opinion is always right.
We fight about everything, because he is "extremely right" and I am "extremely left." He thinks socialism is the worst idea he's (n)ever heard, and I think, after extensive reading and studying the matter, that socialism is one of the best economic systems imaginable.
He doesn't want to do his research, he doesn't want to hear what the other side has to say. All he wants is to spout off his opinions and for everyone to hear him and tell him how right he is.
Well I'm simply not going to do that. I'm not going to go belly up to him because he is a white heterosexual American male with too much free time and not enough common sense. And that pisses him off to no end.
If, at the end of the day, I can sufficiently piss off a conservative, I have done my job, and it will have been a good day.
The only word of advice I have for conservatives: do your research. If you're going to say this that and the other thing about socialism, make sure you've actually read the Communist Manifesto. If you say that socialism and communism are the same thing, you sound like a dumbass so go back to middle school. I read the Communist Manifesto for the first time in the 7th grade. Now, I know that many conservatives didn't make it that far in their education, since they were too busy worshipping idols and preparing for the rapture, but there is no excuse for talking about things that you haven't researched.
If you come to me spouting off your ideas and telling me that I'm wrong (unless, of course, I am wrong. There is nothing wrong with being wrong, there is something wrong with being wrong AND STILL trying to impress yours wrongness on others), I will ram you into the ground with knowledge and vitriol so hard that you'll have to go crying back to your mommy.
Nothing would satisfy me more than to know that I've made my 30 year old cousin go crying to my aunt because I schooled him over facebook.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Truly I Tell You
I wasn't a Christian all my life, in fact today is the four year anniversary of my baptism into the faith.
I'm not a born again, though I suppose you could say that I was born again in Christ. I'm a Lutheran.
I believer wholeheartedly in God (in whatever form you choose God to take), I believe that Jesus is the Son of God, I believe the Bible was written by individuals who heard the Word of God, through whom God spoke to the people and continues to speak today.
I also believe the Bible is the single most misinterpreted piece of literature in the history of the world, or perhaps more accurately the single piece of literature that has caused the most strife and bloodshed in the history of the world.
When I read the Bible, my heart feels full because it's like I am talking to God. God is telling me how much s/he loves me. I have a similar experience when I am hiking or when I am swimming or when I look into the faces of children. The Bible gives me a sense of being overwhelmingly full and at peace, knowing that everything is going to be okay because God, the most powerful being ever, loves me personally. You may disagree and say that God does not exist, and that is your prerogative to believe or not believe or to believe something different, it is a wonderful free country we have here. But every time a rain drop falls on my cheek or I look into my niece's bright blue eyes I know for a fact that God exists, and s/he is good.
But some people don't feel full when they read the Bible. Some people feel so empty that they feel the need to make other people empty, and so they tear others down, they tell others they are going to hell, they fight and they kill and they do it all in God's name. They read the Word, and they see that they have sinned, but they forget that God loves them and they will be forgiven, so they take all of their regret and all of their anger toward themselves and they turn it out into the world. These people are in our churches, our schools, our offices, our neighbourhoods. They are our uncles, our sisters, our mothers, our best friends. They are the ones who feel a deep shame within themselves when they read the Word, and take that shame and do harm to others with it.
Well I won't be shamed by you anymore, nor will I let my friends and loved ones be shamed by you either. From this day forward I pledge that I will love and be loved by God and I will believe in Jesus just as He believes in me because it's my right as an American to believe what I want and it's my responsibility as a Christian to spread the Good News, take it or leave it. I will go about my life, freely and honestly, and I won't make anyone feel bad about themselves just because I am insecure and I won't use the Bible to sway the opinions of others or as a code of law for my country, "free of the bias of religion."
It's been four years, and it took me four years to learn that I'm not doing anything wrong by living my life. So long as I mind my business, give back when and where I can, love everyone I possibly can and always believe, I'll be saved.
I hope those people who would damn me or say that I am a sinner will see the light of reason before it is too late for them. I have faith.
John 3:17 "For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him"
I'm not a born again, though I suppose you could say that I was born again in Christ. I'm a Lutheran.
I believer wholeheartedly in God (in whatever form you choose God to take), I believe that Jesus is the Son of God, I believe the Bible was written by individuals who heard the Word of God, through whom God spoke to the people and continues to speak today.
I also believe the Bible is the single most misinterpreted piece of literature in the history of the world, or perhaps more accurately the single piece of literature that has caused the most strife and bloodshed in the history of the world.
When I read the Bible, my heart feels full because it's like I am talking to God. God is telling me how much s/he loves me. I have a similar experience when I am hiking or when I am swimming or when I look into the faces of children. The Bible gives me a sense of being overwhelmingly full and at peace, knowing that everything is going to be okay because God, the most powerful being ever, loves me personally. You may disagree and say that God does not exist, and that is your prerogative to believe or not believe or to believe something different, it is a wonderful free country we have here. But every time a rain drop falls on my cheek or I look into my niece's bright blue eyes I know for a fact that God exists, and s/he is good.
But some people don't feel full when they read the Bible. Some people feel so empty that they feel the need to make other people empty, and so they tear others down, they tell others they are going to hell, they fight and they kill and they do it all in God's name. They read the Word, and they see that they have sinned, but they forget that God loves them and they will be forgiven, so they take all of their regret and all of their anger toward themselves and they turn it out into the world. These people are in our churches, our schools, our offices, our neighbourhoods. They are our uncles, our sisters, our mothers, our best friends. They are the ones who feel a deep shame within themselves when they read the Word, and take that shame and do harm to others with it.
Well I won't be shamed by you anymore, nor will I let my friends and loved ones be shamed by you either. From this day forward I pledge that I will love and be loved by God and I will believe in Jesus just as He believes in me because it's my right as an American to believe what I want and it's my responsibility as a Christian to spread the Good News, take it or leave it. I will go about my life, freely and honestly, and I won't make anyone feel bad about themselves just because I am insecure and I won't use the Bible to sway the opinions of others or as a code of law for my country, "free of the bias of religion."
It's been four years, and it took me four years to learn that I'm not doing anything wrong by living my life. So long as I mind my business, give back when and where I can, love everyone I possibly can and always believe, I'll be saved.
I hope those people who would damn me or say that I am a sinner will see the light of reason before it is too late for them. I have faith.
John 3:17 "For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him"
Monday, April 27, 2009
Oh Hey There!
I haven't blogged in a dog's age it seems, and something just isn't right with that.
So I'm back! I may be writing sporadically, but sporadically is better for me than never. Also, summer is rapidly approaching, and if this summer is anything like last summer I am going to be migh-tee bored (considering that no one is hiring... oi).
So it's the end of the sophomore year in college, next semester I'll be in London from September 3 until a few days before Christmas, taking two classes in art, one in Shakespeare and one in cognitive psychology.
A lot has happened since the last time that I blogged, but I can't really get you up to speed in one blog, so I'll just give you the basics:
The demands of my courses were such that I could not play lacrosse this year, which was a huge mess that I spent many hours weeping over but in the end it just could not happen.
I eventually had to drop statistics (I will be taking it closer to home this summer) because I wasn't getting along with the professor and it was either drop the course or risk failing. The situation is still very new and the wound is very fresh for me so I'm just taking it in stride right now and being happy with the fact that I'll just be taking it elsewhere and I'll have the time and energy to give it my all this summer.
I'm still with Hillary ("still" probably isn't the right word choice there, because we are both very happy together and basically everything is right with the world). Today is our five month anniversary, actually. We took a trip out to Ptown last weekend and we're going to see the Dalai Lama speak next weekend, so we do a lot of fun and new things together. It's going very well, she's effectively part of my family and I couldn't be happier to have her in my life.
I decided that I'm not living on campus when I return from London, I'll be getting an apartment off campus with Hillary with spring semester and potentially for the next few years (as I plan on attending graduate school in the Boston area). It was a huge decision for me, particularly because my roommate and I are (or were) so close up until now, but I think it is for the best both in terms of finances and in terms of growing up and moving on.
My roommate and I are still very close and very good friends but she had a more or less psychoatic break recently and that has severely damaged our relationship both as friends and as roommates.
Tonight I was inducted into Alpha Lambda Delta, the National Honor Society for college freshmen who were in the top 25% of their class freshmen year (we recieve the award in the spring of our sophomore years).
So life is going well for the most part, some bumps in the road but that is to be expected, particularly when you're me and you're always finding ways to get yourself into trouble. But I always manage to find a way out, and that's what matters. I'm glad to be back, and I'll try to STAY back this time :)
Hope all is well out there and that I haven't missed too much!
So I'm back! I may be writing sporadically, but sporadically is better for me than never. Also, summer is rapidly approaching, and if this summer is anything like last summer I am going to be migh-tee bored (considering that no one is hiring... oi).
So it's the end of the sophomore year in college, next semester I'll be in London from September 3 until a few days before Christmas, taking two classes in art, one in Shakespeare and one in cognitive psychology.
A lot has happened since the last time that I blogged, but I can't really get you up to speed in one blog, so I'll just give you the basics:
The demands of my courses were such that I could not play lacrosse this year, which was a huge mess that I spent many hours weeping over but in the end it just could not happen.
I eventually had to drop statistics (I will be taking it closer to home this summer) because I wasn't getting along with the professor and it was either drop the course or risk failing. The situation is still very new and the wound is very fresh for me so I'm just taking it in stride right now and being happy with the fact that I'll just be taking it elsewhere and I'll have the time and energy to give it my all this summer.
I'm still with Hillary ("still" probably isn't the right word choice there, because we are both very happy together and basically everything is right with the world). Today is our five month anniversary, actually. We took a trip out to Ptown last weekend and we're going to see the Dalai Lama speak next weekend, so we do a lot of fun and new things together. It's going very well, she's effectively part of my family and I couldn't be happier to have her in my life.
I decided that I'm not living on campus when I return from London, I'll be getting an apartment off campus with Hillary with spring semester and potentially for the next few years (as I plan on attending graduate school in the Boston area). It was a huge decision for me, particularly because my roommate and I are (or were) so close up until now, but I think it is for the best both in terms of finances and in terms of growing up and moving on.
My roommate and I are still very close and very good friends but she had a more or less psychoatic break recently and that has severely damaged our relationship both as friends and as roommates.
Tonight I was inducted into Alpha Lambda Delta, the National Honor Society for college freshmen who were in the top 25% of their class freshmen year (we recieve the award in the spring of our sophomore years).
So life is going well for the most part, some bumps in the road but that is to be expected, particularly when you're me and you're always finding ways to get yourself into trouble. But I always manage to find a way out, and that's what matters. I'm glad to be back, and I'll try to STAY back this time :)
Hope all is well out there and that I haven't missed too much!
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Updates updates updates
I'm going to London!! Fall semester '09 I'll be studying abroad in London! I got the paperwork in earlier this week and I found out yesterday that I've been approved to study abroad! Now all I have to do is get my course list approved by my advisor and I'm all set. Move in day is September 3, and the last day in the dorms is December 20. I'm so excited!!
I go to Disney with my friends in 15 days. We leave March 8 and come home March 13. It's probably going to be the best time of my life. My beautiful girlfriend, my best friend at school Alycia, and a bunch of my other friends from school, all in the happiest place on Earth causing a ruckus.
I have, unfortunately, somewhat quit lacrosse. Quit isn't the right word because I still hang around with the girls and play whenever I get the chance, but I can't show up regularly because I have far too many commitments as it is. I still love to play, and there is nothing like running around with balls and sticks, but it can't be my main focus.
Running the GSA has turned into a full time job. We're selling t-shirts (which I helped design along with my co-partner Alycia and our advisor) and I decided we should decrease the price to $5 so that people would actually buy them, but we need to make up the difference, so we had a bake sale at a dance show on campus this weekend. The grand total comes to somewhere in the neighbourhood of $430, which is much more than I was anticipating. And I've been baking all weekend (well, since Wednesday actually) so I'm pretty exhausted. But I think I can claim the title Domestic Goddess at this point in time, so I'm pleased. I've never helped bake so many brownies, cookies, and cupcakes in my life.
I've been recruited to help start a Psychology Club at school. I was straight forward and told the club advisor that I would not be president, but if I have to have a position because I'm helping to start it, I'll be treasurer. I over extend myself too much and I need something easier and less demanding in my life.
I've also had a slight change of heart in terms of my career goals. I want to be a psychologist in some capacity, and I want to get my PhD, but I am at this point thinking that I will be going to seminary straight out of undergrad. I need to begin the talks with my pastor regarding ordination (which would be my ultimate goal). The only issue I see is that the Lutheran Church, although we are tolerant of the gays and openly ordain the gays, homosexual pastors must abstain from homosexual relationships after ordination. That's gonna be a huge nay, and I'm hoping there is a loop hole I can discover. I'll figure something out, or I'll become an Episcopalian. Or I'll get my doctorate of divinity and teach religion and philosophy courses. I suppose we'll see how things go, but at this point in time I feel very drawn to service in the church, not that I haven't always but it feels particularly strong right now.
So my life is pretty chaotic and exciting right now, but most lives are chaotic and exciting, right? Hope everyone is doing very well out there in this great big world.
I go to Disney with my friends in 15 days. We leave March 8 and come home March 13. It's probably going to be the best time of my life. My beautiful girlfriend, my best friend at school Alycia, and a bunch of my other friends from school, all in the happiest place on Earth causing a ruckus.
I have, unfortunately, somewhat quit lacrosse. Quit isn't the right word because I still hang around with the girls and play whenever I get the chance, but I can't show up regularly because I have far too many commitments as it is. I still love to play, and there is nothing like running around with balls and sticks, but it can't be my main focus.
Running the GSA has turned into a full time job. We're selling t-shirts (which I helped design along with my co-partner Alycia and our advisor) and I decided we should decrease the price to $5 so that people would actually buy them, but we need to make up the difference, so we had a bake sale at a dance show on campus this weekend. The grand total comes to somewhere in the neighbourhood of $430, which is much more than I was anticipating. And I've been baking all weekend (well, since Wednesday actually) so I'm pretty exhausted. But I think I can claim the title Domestic Goddess at this point in time, so I'm pleased. I've never helped bake so many brownies, cookies, and cupcakes in my life.
I've been recruited to help start a Psychology Club at school. I was straight forward and told the club advisor that I would not be president, but if I have to have a position because I'm helping to start it, I'll be treasurer. I over extend myself too much and I need something easier and less demanding in my life.
I've also had a slight change of heart in terms of my career goals. I want to be a psychologist in some capacity, and I want to get my PhD, but I am at this point thinking that I will be going to seminary straight out of undergrad. I need to begin the talks with my pastor regarding ordination (which would be my ultimate goal). The only issue I see is that the Lutheran Church, although we are tolerant of the gays and openly ordain the gays, homosexual pastors must abstain from homosexual relationships after ordination. That's gonna be a huge nay, and I'm hoping there is a loop hole I can discover. I'll figure something out, or I'll become an Episcopalian. Or I'll get my doctorate of divinity and teach religion and philosophy courses. I suppose we'll see how things go, but at this point in time I feel very drawn to service in the church, not that I haven't always but it feels particularly strong right now.
So my life is pretty chaotic and exciting right now, but most lives are chaotic and exciting, right? Hope everyone is doing very well out there in this great big world.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Valentine's Day
Since Valentine's Day happened to fall on the long weekend this year, and I had big plans for Saturday, I decided Hillary and I would go home to Connecticut for the weekend. So right now I'm sitting in my green chair in my living room after having held my rabbit and played with my dog. I miss those things so much at school, it's going to be heartbreaking to leave tomorrow. But I'll start from the beginning of the weekend, it's mainly adorable so if you don't appreciate adorable things you should avert your eyes.
Friday night Hillary called me to come over to her dorm around 5, as she was making me dinner and she was lonely in the kitchen all by herself. But I was explicitly told to not go into her room. So we hung out in the kitchen while she cooked me my Valentine's dinner (which was a surprise up until that point). Now, Hillary is no cook mind you, so this was a HUGE deal. She made pasta alfredo with chicken, and the alfredo sauce was home made (by Hillary!). She did an amazing job and it was probably the best pasta alfredo I've had in my entire life, without exaggeration.
Then we hung out and nursed our food babies for about an hour and Hillary went to the fridge and brought out a plate full of strawberries dipped in chocolate that she had made a few hours earlier. It was so sweet because when we go grocery shopping she knows that I immediately go to the berries and get strawberries and raspberries (my absolute fave!). She told me she almost got raspberries to dip in the chocolate but that she was advised that they wouldn't be conducive to being covered in chocolate. It was so cute, and they were absolutely amazing, and it was especially appreciated because Hillary doesn't eat chocolate (it makes her sick or something or she is revolted by it, I dunno she's just weird) so she made them entirely for me.
We spent the rest of the evening watching Chocolat, which was SUPERB! We loved that movie and definitely recommend it.
Saturday morning we got up early and drove to the destination of my part of the Valentine's Day planning. Over Thanksgiving when I told Hillary I was going to the National Zoo she told me that she loves zoos but she hadn't been to one in a very long time. I love zoos and the Roger Williams Zoo in Providence is probably my favourite zoo ever (for sentimental reasons). I hadn't been there in a year or two (my parents had been taking me to that zoo basically from birth) and I figured she would enjoy it too. So I took her to the zoo, which was about an hour from school and two hours from home, and we had an fantastic time. A baby giraffe was born there in late December, so the little guy was still very little and sooo cute.
And we saw the gibbons, who I always sort of gravitate too every time I go to Roger Williams. They had a jouvenile male who was so active, such a crazy. He kept running up to his dad and hitting him and trying to get him to play, but dad was having none of it. I got a really good picture of the boy and his dad together.
After we were done at the zoo we went to the merry-go-round in the park. There was basically no one there, and a ride on the merry-go-round only cost a dollar. It was a lot of fun, we really enjoyed ourselves and it was by far the best Valentine's Day I've ever had.
We had dinner at Cracker Barrel and took the long drive home. When we got home we hung out with my mother and Naveen for the rest of the evening, playing Monopoly and drinking. Eventually we stopped playing and started chatting and we talked until 2 am. We talked about everything from our uncertainty over the fate of our college, the economy, the inequities between the genders, etc. We finally went to bed after a fun filled two days of awesome, and were woken up this morning to cinnabuns and tea because my mother loves us dearly.
I really love Hillary. I love her because she's sitting in the same room with me right now, on her lap top, and we can be contented to just do our own thing for a little while. I love her because she sneaks up behind me when I'm brushing my hair and wraps her arms around me. I love her because she lets me sleep in while she showers (and doesn't hold it against me when I tell her I'm just going to be that kid who doesn't bother to shower). She's the best, and like I told her last night, she's my best friend and such a great love. I'm so happy.
Friday night Hillary called me to come over to her dorm around 5, as she was making me dinner and she was lonely in the kitchen all by herself. But I was explicitly told to not go into her room. So we hung out in the kitchen while she cooked me my Valentine's dinner (which was a surprise up until that point). Now, Hillary is no cook mind you, so this was a HUGE deal. She made pasta alfredo with chicken, and the alfredo sauce was home made (by Hillary!). She did an amazing job and it was probably the best pasta alfredo I've had in my entire life, without exaggeration.
Then we hung out and nursed our food babies for about an hour and Hillary went to the fridge and brought out a plate full of strawberries dipped in chocolate that she had made a few hours earlier. It was so sweet because when we go grocery shopping she knows that I immediately go to the berries and get strawberries and raspberries (my absolute fave!). She told me she almost got raspberries to dip in the chocolate but that she was advised that they wouldn't be conducive to being covered in chocolate. It was so cute, and they were absolutely amazing, and it was especially appreciated because Hillary doesn't eat chocolate (it makes her sick or something or she is revolted by it, I dunno she's just weird) so she made them entirely for me.
We spent the rest of the evening watching Chocolat, which was SUPERB! We loved that movie and definitely recommend it.
Saturday morning we got up early and drove to the destination of my part of the Valentine's Day planning. Over Thanksgiving when I told Hillary I was going to the National Zoo she told me that she loves zoos but she hadn't been to one in a very long time. I love zoos and the Roger Williams Zoo in Providence is probably my favourite zoo ever (for sentimental reasons). I hadn't been there in a year or two (my parents had been taking me to that zoo basically from birth) and I figured she would enjoy it too. So I took her to the zoo, which was about an hour from school and two hours from home, and we had an fantastic time. A baby giraffe was born there in late December, so the little guy was still very little and sooo cute.
And we saw the gibbons, who I always sort of gravitate too every time I go to Roger Williams. They had a jouvenile male who was so active, such a crazy. He kept running up to his dad and hitting him and trying to get him to play, but dad was having none of it. I got a really good picture of the boy and his dad together.
After we were done at the zoo we went to the merry-go-round in the park. There was basically no one there, and a ride on the merry-go-round only cost a dollar. It was a lot of fun, we really enjoyed ourselves and it was by far the best Valentine's Day I've ever had.
We had dinner at Cracker Barrel and took the long drive home. When we got home we hung out with my mother and Naveen for the rest of the evening, playing Monopoly and drinking. Eventually we stopped playing and started chatting and we talked until 2 am. We talked about everything from our uncertainty over the fate of our college, the economy, the inequities between the genders, etc. We finally went to bed after a fun filled two days of awesome, and were woken up this morning to cinnabuns and tea because my mother loves us dearly.
I really love Hillary. I love her because she's sitting in the same room with me right now, on her lap top, and we can be contented to just do our own thing for a little while. I love her because she sneaks up behind me when I'm brushing my hair and wraps her arms around me. I love her because she lets me sleep in while she showers (and doesn't hold it against me when I tell her I'm just going to be that kid who doesn't bother to shower). She's the best, and like I told her last night, she's my best friend and such a great love. I'm so happy.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Back on Planet Earth
I feel like I dropped off the face of the Earth for a while there. My friends may or may not agree with me, that's a matter of opinion I s'pose.
Disney at Christmas is fabulous, if you ever have the chance or the desire, definitely go at that time of year. It's so beautiful, and the decorations are lovely. The only two things I regret about being in Disney for Christmas: Not being in church for Christmas eve/morning (particularly because this is my pastor's last Christmas with our church) and also the fact that none of the guests of Disney seem to comprehend the joy of the season. Everyone is still as pushy and blood thirsty as ever down in the good old Mouse's House. They'd knock you over as soon as look at you if they thought you would get on a ride even just a person before them, or get a better vantage point for the fireworks. Christmas spirit indeed, and all good Christians I'm sure. Disney brings out the worst in people, I swear, myself included. I don't mind tripping people who look at my family wrong, and I'll get into a screaming match with you if you hit me one more time with your stroller or your wheelchair cause you're too incompetent to be pushing it. Which, by the by, DID happen. My disabled aunt and my disabled mother were walking in front of a person in a wheelchair, who didn't need the wheelchair but who was too lazy to be bothered with walking. I saw that the person pushing the wheelchair was not paying attention so I put myself in between my aunt and my mother and the wheelchair and braced myself and wham, she slammed right into me. Wheelchairs are not designed to hit people (like they design the strollers in the parks these days because they know parents are the worst when it comes to paying attention to where the hell they are going) so I had a deep cut on the back of my calf, but I didn't want her hitting either my aunt of my mother, because then they would have been out of commission for the rest of the trip and I would have been in jail awaiting trial for causing bodily harm to the chick pushing the wheelchair. So I turned around and told her to watch where she was going, as she apologized profusely, which I appreciated, but it still did not make the blood stop trickling down my leg or my limping onwards any less noticeable. Anywho, Disney has its ups and downs. You just have to put on a brave face and go with it if you really love it, as I do.
So Christmas was nice, but not normal. I'm all about normalcy so it threw me off a bit, but we had Christmas morning complete with presents, cinnebuns and being in your pajamas until 1 pm the first morning back. Hillary was with us from the day we got back until New Years Day, and then I drove her home and I stayed at her house from New Years Day until yesterday. We went to the aquarium in Mystic (Hill assured me it was much cooler than the New England Aquarium, which I've never been to, but I can't fathom anything in Connecticut being cooler than anything in Massachusetts), did the whole New Year's Eve thing (which at one point in time meant going to New York City to see the ball drop, but was quickly vetoed, and the end result was staying home with my friends and baking cookies and watching movies all night) and went out to dinner with the madre on our way back to Massachusetts. My mom really likes her, which is awesome cause I really like her. She's still convinced that this is a phase ("no one wants to date a 19 year old boy") but I think she is at least happy that I am very happy, and I'm eternally grateful to her that she let Hillary stay with us and let me go spend time with her in her neck of the woods.
When we were in MA we went to Northampton and saw Milk, which was really good, but I feel like it was lacking something maybe? It was more of a political movie than a gay rights movie, I feel. It just chronicled the political process and the trials and tribulations of being in the political spotlight. I wasn't disappointed in it, but generally I like movies with more... suspense. I'm realistic enough to know that everybody knows Harvey Milk was killed, so there could be no suspense there. Maybe this just wasn't my kind of movie, I dunno. Hillary liked it though. She cried at the end, it was cute, and I made fun of her for it for hours (I'm the best). We visited with her friends and family and played scrabble and watched movies and it was very nice and very relaxing. Her mom was talking about needing the roof to be done and stuff and I mentioned reshingling the house and she totally did not believe that I can do it, which only makes me want to do it more so reshingling the house has moved up to the number one spot on things to do this summer (well, number one behind finding a kick ass job).
So now I'm back home in CT, enjoying my break but looking forward to getting back to school. I did well in my grades last semester, though I could have done better but it was a tough semester and it's over and I'm glad. Lacrosse will start oh so very soon, so I need to seriously get to the gym every single day. I had a dream my problem with my knee caps came back and I was in excruciating pain every time we ran again and it was terrible (my problem with my knee caps will never go away, it just comes and goes sort of). I'm looking forward to getting back into the swing of things cause all this suspense is killing me.
Hope everyone had a very merry Christmas and a safe and happy New Year!
Disney at Christmas is fabulous, if you ever have the chance or the desire, definitely go at that time of year. It's so beautiful, and the decorations are lovely. The only two things I regret about being in Disney for Christmas: Not being in church for Christmas eve/morning (particularly because this is my pastor's last Christmas with our church) and also the fact that none of the guests of Disney seem to comprehend the joy of the season. Everyone is still as pushy and blood thirsty as ever down in the good old Mouse's House. They'd knock you over as soon as look at you if they thought you would get on a ride even just a person before them, or get a better vantage point for the fireworks. Christmas spirit indeed, and all good Christians I'm sure. Disney brings out the worst in people, I swear, myself included. I don't mind tripping people who look at my family wrong, and I'll get into a screaming match with you if you hit me one more time with your stroller or your wheelchair cause you're too incompetent to be pushing it. Which, by the by, DID happen. My disabled aunt and my disabled mother were walking in front of a person in a wheelchair, who didn't need the wheelchair but who was too lazy to be bothered with walking. I saw that the person pushing the wheelchair was not paying attention so I put myself in between my aunt and my mother and the wheelchair and braced myself and wham, she slammed right into me. Wheelchairs are not designed to hit people (like they design the strollers in the parks these days because they know parents are the worst when it comes to paying attention to where the hell they are going) so I had a deep cut on the back of my calf, but I didn't want her hitting either my aunt of my mother, because then they would have been out of commission for the rest of the trip and I would have been in jail awaiting trial for causing bodily harm to the chick pushing the wheelchair. So I turned around and told her to watch where she was going, as she apologized profusely, which I appreciated, but it still did not make the blood stop trickling down my leg or my limping onwards any less noticeable. Anywho, Disney has its ups and downs. You just have to put on a brave face and go with it if you really love it, as I do.
So Christmas was nice, but not normal. I'm all about normalcy so it threw me off a bit, but we had Christmas morning complete with presents, cinnebuns and being in your pajamas until 1 pm the first morning back. Hillary was with us from the day we got back until New Years Day, and then I drove her home and I stayed at her house from New Years Day until yesterday. We went to the aquarium in Mystic (Hill assured me it was much cooler than the New England Aquarium, which I've never been to, but I can't fathom anything in Connecticut being cooler than anything in Massachusetts), did the whole New Year's Eve thing (which at one point in time meant going to New York City to see the ball drop, but was quickly vetoed, and the end result was staying home with my friends and baking cookies and watching movies all night) and went out to dinner with the madre on our way back to Massachusetts. My mom really likes her, which is awesome cause I really like her. She's still convinced that this is a phase ("no one wants to date a 19 year old boy") but I think she is at least happy that I am very happy, and I'm eternally grateful to her that she let Hillary stay with us and let me go spend time with her in her neck of the woods.
When we were in MA we went to Northampton and saw Milk, which was really good, but I feel like it was lacking something maybe? It was more of a political movie than a gay rights movie, I feel. It just chronicled the political process and the trials and tribulations of being in the political spotlight. I wasn't disappointed in it, but generally I like movies with more... suspense. I'm realistic enough to know that everybody knows Harvey Milk was killed, so there could be no suspense there. Maybe this just wasn't my kind of movie, I dunno. Hillary liked it though. She cried at the end, it was cute, and I made fun of her for it for hours (I'm the best). We visited with her friends and family and played scrabble and watched movies and it was very nice and very relaxing. Her mom was talking about needing the roof to be done and stuff and I mentioned reshingling the house and she totally did not believe that I can do it, which only makes me want to do it more so reshingling the house has moved up to the number one spot on things to do this summer (well, number one behind finding a kick ass job).
So now I'm back home in CT, enjoying my break but looking forward to getting back to school. I did well in my grades last semester, though I could have done better but it was a tough semester and it's over and I'm glad. Lacrosse will start oh so very soon, so I need to seriously get to the gym every single day. I had a dream my problem with my knee caps came back and I was in excruciating pain every time we ran again and it was terrible (my problem with my knee caps will never go away, it just comes and goes sort of). I'm looking forward to getting back into the swing of things cause all this suspense is killing me.
Hope everyone had a very merry Christmas and a safe and happy New Year!
Monday, December 15, 2008
Bigger Than Me
Life is amazing to me. Seeing my little niece of nephew up on that monitor today, wiggling his or her little arms and legs, his or her little heart pounding away, definitely gave me a different perspective. We're so small, and yet so significant.
I can't wait for the little one to be here, to see the little hands and feet I saw up on that monitor, to hold those little hands.
Everything has been so overwhelming lately. School work is consuming my life, exams will be over on Thursday and then the semester ends and winter break begins. Home for a month of searching for work, hanging out with my friends, and missing Hillary. I've never experienced anything that feels like this before, and it's all so overwhelming. She looks in my eyes and I know she is sincere, and I can see that she can see that I probably definitely love her. I feel so vulnerable, but I like it.
It scares me that she is a senior, and that we live in different states, and that she will be graduating and going to graduate school and forgetting about the girl she is leaving behind. I don't think she will forget about me, though, because I know I won't forget about her. She makes me smile so big, and laugh so much. She holds my hand in front of her friends, she listens to what I have to say about my life, she can hear the joy and the pain, and she holds me and suddenly everything melts away and it's just life, and it's just love.
This love thing is so much bigger than me.
I can't wait for the little one to be here, to see the little hands and feet I saw up on that monitor, to hold those little hands.
Everything has been so overwhelming lately. School work is consuming my life, exams will be over on Thursday and then the semester ends and winter break begins. Home for a month of searching for work, hanging out with my friends, and missing Hillary. I've never experienced anything that feels like this before, and it's all so overwhelming. She looks in my eyes and I know she is sincere, and I can see that she can see that I probably definitely love her. I feel so vulnerable, but I like it.
It scares me that she is a senior, and that we live in different states, and that she will be graduating and going to graduate school and forgetting about the girl she is leaving behind. I don't think she will forget about me, though, because I know I won't forget about her. She makes me smile so big, and laugh so much. She holds my hand in front of her friends, she listens to what I have to say about my life, she can hear the joy and the pain, and she holds me and suddenly everything melts away and it's just life, and it's just love.
This love thing is so much bigger than me.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Calling All Angels
This was quite possibly the laziest weekend of my life, or at least my incredibly chaotic life as of late. Hillary (my girlfriend) and I played house all weekend (she made me cinnebuns in bed), went to the macaroni grill on Friday where we proceeded to eat none of our food (even though we hadn't eaten all day and we had both had exams) and near fall asleep at the table to the point where our waiter (Marc was a cool dude) was concerned about us, and tonight we went to Fridays and ate the first meal since Thursday. It was a good weekend, Hillary and I get along very well and we have a lot of fun. I've never been able to laugh and be silly with someone I was dating before, maybe it's the mark of an adult relationship, or maybe Hillary and I just have something special.
I told her I have never been in love, and I don't know what love feels like. The deepest love I've ever felt is the love I have for my niece and nephew. When I held my niece for the first time in the hours after she was born, I looked God in the face, and He smiled back. That's the realest love I've ever felt in my life. I'm very clueless about romantic love. All I know is that when I look in Hillary's eyes, the rest of the world melts away and it's just us, and complete happiness. I don't know if love is complete happiness, I don't know if love is aching when you know you won't see her for an extended period of time, I don't know if love is taking her hand and running through freezing parking lots laughing, singing David Bowie and Cher until 4 am, watching stupid movies, but not caring, because we're together. I don't know if it's love, but I like it.
Tomorrow I'm going to the Brigham with my sister and my nephew for her ultrasound. I'm so excited that words can't even express my sheer joy. I've never been to an ultrasound before, and I'm probably going to weep. I love these kids so much that it hurts.
Wish me luck, that I don't weep too much and make a fool of myself.
I told her I have never been in love, and I don't know what love feels like. The deepest love I've ever felt is the love I have for my niece and nephew. When I held my niece for the first time in the hours after she was born, I looked God in the face, and He smiled back. That's the realest love I've ever felt in my life. I'm very clueless about romantic love. All I know is that when I look in Hillary's eyes, the rest of the world melts away and it's just us, and complete happiness. I don't know if love is complete happiness, I don't know if love is aching when you know you won't see her for an extended period of time, I don't know if love is taking her hand and running through freezing parking lots laughing, singing David Bowie and Cher until 4 am, watching stupid movies, but not caring, because we're together. I don't know if it's love, but I like it.
Tomorrow I'm going to the Brigham with my sister and my nephew for her ultrasound. I'm so excited that words can't even express my sheer joy. I've never been to an ultrasound before, and I'm probably going to weep. I love these kids so much that it hurts.
Wish me luck, that I don't weep too much and make a fool of myself.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Being Auntie Rachel
I'M GOING TO BE AN AUNT AGAIN!! Number three is on his or her way. He or she is at 11 weeks right now, so fingers crossed everyone!! My sister has had a lot of trouble remaining pregnant, and we are very lucky for my niece and nephew. This little one will be a blessing indeed!!
I'm so happy, and so procrastinating by blogging right now instead of studying and writing term papers (which is why my posts are so sporadic). I can't wait to hold the little one in six months!!!!
I'm so happy, and so procrastinating by blogging right now instead of studying and writing term papers (which is why my posts are so sporadic). I can't wait to hold the little one in six months!!!!
Friday, November 21, 2008
You Have To Be You
I guess this post is about being confused. I've been there before so I know what it's like, certainly. I guess I've just never been the cause of someone's confusion before, that I'm aware of at least. I'm not really in to the general Thursday night festivities that go on on most college campuses, but last night was the exception. Two of my friends and I split two bottles of wine and a bottle of vodka while watching Season 3 of the L Word. Meanwhile, while all of this was going on, I had taken two sudafed not more than 10 minutes before we started drinking on an almost empty stomach and, although I didn't get sick, I did get drunk pretty quick.
I got sick (couldn't stop sneezing, super congested, couldn't breathe hardly through my nose) in the 45 minutes between research methods and lab yesterday. I was so congested and there was so much pressure behind my left eye that I gave myself a black eye (literally gave myself a black eye, I'm chaulking it up to the amount of pressure behind my eye and the fact that I kept rubbing it because it was watery).
So there I was, drunk with a black eye, on a futon with my best friend at college and the cofounder and copresident of the GSA who was passed out on my right and her roommate who was watching the L word with me on my left. Eventually the effects of the sudafed/wine wore off for me, and the effects of the alcohol wore off for theother two, and we were just tired, laying in the dark. I lay there for a long time listening to my best friend's sleep breathing and watching the L word with her roommate.
And then suddenly I was kissing my best friend's roommate.
And then suddenly I was in her bed.
And then suddenly it was 8:30 in the morning and I was walking across campus back to my room. My roommate was sitting at her computer when I walked into the room and all she said to be was "Oh my God Rachel I've been worried sick about you you have no idea you need to call me the next time you have an impromtu sleep over I was worried sick up till 3 am..." (she said this all in one breath) and then she saw my neck and she said "hold on girl you need to sit down and tell me everything," which I didn't obviously because that would be rude, and I proceeded to sleep from 8:30 to 1:30 in the afternoon.
I knew my best friend's roommate was confused, and I know how easy it is to be confused. The girl loves Ani Difranco and plaid, let's be real. Totally kidding, big stereotypage, many apologies. My best friend knows all about it now from when she woke up and was confronted with her roommate's neck. She seems to think it was beneficial for her roommate, which is a relief for me because I feel bad to be adding to her confusion. At least she knows me and can trust me and she wasn't going out and getting trashed and hooking up with some random stranger.
I guess I'm just confused for her. I personally think labels make life easier, but at the same time they oversimplify things. What I told her today I think is applicable to most situations, in regards to her feeling of being pressured into choosing a category for herself from the day she entered college (she is now a senior): Going to a women's college doesn't make you a lesbian, liking girls doesn't make you a lesbian and even sleeping with girls doesn't make you a lesbian. As much as I joke about it, you are what you are and what you identify yourself as and that's that. You can't be what anyone else wants to classify you as, you have to be you.
I really like her, but I think I really like her as a friend, which is where my own confusion comes in to play. Not to mention the fact that I don't think she is interested in dating anyone (male or female), I think she is interested in discovering who she is, and I'm glad I could play a role, even a small role, in the formulation of her own self image, and that she could play a role in mine.
It's just a lot to think about, and I tend to overthink things far too much as it is.
"...or if the weather was bad, you could just sit under the yellow light on your front porch and enjoy the sound of the rain hitting the tin roofs."
- Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe
I got sick (couldn't stop sneezing, super congested, couldn't breathe hardly through my nose) in the 45 minutes between research methods and lab yesterday. I was so congested and there was so much pressure behind my left eye that I gave myself a black eye (literally gave myself a black eye, I'm chaulking it up to the amount of pressure behind my eye and the fact that I kept rubbing it because it was watery).
So there I was, drunk with a black eye, on a futon with my best friend at college and the cofounder and copresident of the GSA who was passed out on my right and her roommate who was watching the L word with me on my left. Eventually the effects of the sudafed/wine wore off for me, and the effects of the alcohol wore off for theother two, and we were just tired, laying in the dark. I lay there for a long time listening to my best friend's sleep breathing and watching the L word with her roommate.
And then suddenly I was kissing my best friend's roommate.
And then suddenly I was in her bed.
And then suddenly it was 8:30 in the morning and I was walking across campus back to my room. My roommate was sitting at her computer when I walked into the room and all she said to be was "Oh my God Rachel I've been worried sick about you you have no idea you need to call me the next time you have an impromtu sleep over I was worried sick up till 3 am..." (she said this all in one breath) and then she saw my neck and she said "hold on girl you need to sit down and tell me everything," which I didn't obviously because that would be rude, and I proceeded to sleep from 8:30 to 1:30 in the afternoon.
I knew my best friend's roommate was confused, and I know how easy it is to be confused. The girl loves Ani Difranco and plaid, let's be real. Totally kidding, big stereotypage, many apologies. My best friend knows all about it now from when she woke up and was confronted with her roommate's neck. She seems to think it was beneficial for her roommate, which is a relief for me because I feel bad to be adding to her confusion. At least she knows me and can trust me and she wasn't going out and getting trashed and hooking up with some random stranger.
I guess I'm just confused for her. I personally think labels make life easier, but at the same time they oversimplify things. What I told her today I think is applicable to most situations, in regards to her feeling of being pressured into choosing a category for herself from the day she entered college (she is now a senior): Going to a women's college doesn't make you a lesbian, liking girls doesn't make you a lesbian and even sleeping with girls doesn't make you a lesbian. As much as I joke about it, you are what you are and what you identify yourself as and that's that. You can't be what anyone else wants to classify you as, you have to be you.
I really like her, but I think I really like her as a friend, which is where my own confusion comes in to play. Not to mention the fact that I don't think she is interested in dating anyone (male or female), I think she is interested in discovering who she is, and I'm glad I could play a role, even a small role, in the formulation of her own self image, and that she could play a role in mine.
It's just a lot to think about, and I tend to overthink things far too much as it is.
"...or if the weather was bad, you could just sit under the yellow light on your front porch and enjoy the sound of the rain hitting the tin roofs."
- Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
It's Good to be the King
My video won second place tonight!! I got three DVDs (Zoolander, School of Rock, and Talladega Nights) and a bunch of candy/popcorn and hot chocolate. I am SO PUMPED.
I'm splitting the winnings with my partner in crime, whose name is also Rachel (we go by "Rachel Squared"). She gets the DVDs, I get the candy, and everything is right with the world. I am thoroughly loving life right now.
I'd show you the video but it is definitely not something I am proud of, and honestly did not want the entire school to see it, but it was accosted. Anywho, YAY!
I'm splitting the winnings with my partner in crime, whose name is also Rachel (we go by "Rachel Squared"). She gets the DVDs, I get the candy, and everything is right with the world. I am thoroughly loving life right now.
I'd show you the video but it is definitely not something I am proud of, and honestly did not want the entire school to see it, but it was accosted. Anywho, YAY!
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