Try To Hold it Like Rain in a River

I guess I've come to the conclusion that I have a somewhat nihilistic view of life. I suppose my optimism has gone so far as to thrust me into the depths of nihilism.

For as long as I can remember, my view of life has been that everything is always going to be okay. Because everything will always be okay, nothing really matters at all. When my father died, it was hard and we cried and we saved our money and sometimes we went without, but we're okay now. Life goes on. If tomorrow I were to drop dead it wouldn't matter in the least, because all there is is life. An afterlife is another matter entirely, but in this level of existence there is only life, beyond that there is presumably nothing (or everything if you subscribe to those beliefs). When you live you live, and you best live to the best of your ability, because when you die, you die.

My friend said something to me the other night that made me do a double take on what I tell people. He said something to the effect that it is incredibly egotistical to go through life thinking you are the only person who matters, and I agree 100%. No one life matters more than any other life.

Whenever someone comes to me and says they're having a rough time, I listen to them, listen to their story, and give them whatever advice I can offer. I almost always remind whomever I'm giving advice to that: Everything is always okay, no matter what happens or how terrible things look right now they are ALWAYS going to be okay, and the thing I am probably most often found saying is "at the end of the day you are the only person who matters in the entire world."

I truly believe that between the time when you close your eyes and the time when you open them to begin your day, you are the only creature in all creation who matters. In order that I don't sound like a preponent for the "it's all about me" mindset. For the hours when your eyes aren't closed and your mind isn't asleep, it can't be all about you. It's a downright sin for one to go through life thinking it's all about them, no one else matters.

So I suppose now when I am talking to my troubled friends I'll need to qualify "at the end of the day you are the only person who matters" with "but during your waking hours you need to give back, you need to see the world and see what needs to be done and do it."

Everything is always okay, true enough, but there are babies going to sleep hungry, and children too afraid to play out in the fresh air and the sunshine, children who have never known green grass or a peaceful night's sleep, right here in our very own United States. Sure life goes on, but so long as life is never allowed to begin for these kids, so long as our society has forgotten about them, our government has refused services to them, life remains stagnant. Imagine the beauty these young people are capable of, the art, the music, the science, the discoveries. They will never be allowed to contribute to society, and they will remain stagnant, like the air that they breathe.

Reading Kozol has put a spin on everything I hear, everything I say, everything I do. I can't just sit around and do nothing.

I remember working for Habitat for Humanity, when the family came in at one point to see the house, and how thankful the man was. He was so very grateful, so very moved. I didn't understand why. Sure it's nice to have a house, it's nice to have a yard and a tree, nice to be close to school and work, nice to be able to see the sky and the grass, to put everything in perspective like that. But I didn't understand why he was so thankful, until now.

Our country, our society, our neighbours, we've all forgotten about these people, these good decent hard working people who need us to see them, need us to remember them.

I can't even bring myself to say much about the fact that today is the ten year anniversary of Matthew Shepard's death. We need hate crime legislation that includes gender and sexual orientation, no question about it. We need to remember that there are many different people in this world, in fact all people are different. No one person is exactly the same as another, nor is the "ideal" human being the same person for any given individual. We're not all right, and we're not all wrong. All we can do is simply live, and love.

"If you judge someone, you never have the chance to love them."

Mother Theresa was a smart woman, an incredibly compassionate and intelligent human being. I wish so desperately that we had a leader like her currently in this world. We need more love, all around.

We need to elect the right person for the job of fixing this great country. The land of the free. We need the right person to fix this world.

Green Places

Happy national coming out day!

National coming out day isn't very much fun when you're not in the States. But I'm out, so woo yay for outness. Although I still refuse to let my mother into my dorm room, for fear that she will have a coronary. I feel like she's okay with the fact that I'm gay, but she probably won't be okay with the fact that I really truly like women, and I don't hide that fact (if that makes any sense).

I'm still basking in the glow of CT's decision to legalise same sex marriage.

Today was basically uneventful, except for the fact that I had my first (and then second) ever legal drink (in Canada). I ordered something called a paralyser, and it was delicious, sort of like a mudslide only much less thick, maybe more like kalua. And then I had two glasses of Australian white wine. And then I teetered out the door. And they never even carded me! The meal was very good also, but the conversation was the best part of the dinner (and although the trip isn't done, I am going to go out on a limb here and say it will be the best part of this holiday).

My favorite story tonight was probably when my uncle was telling me about being in the army in '69. His platoon was told to go out on the base and clean up anything bigger than a cigarette butt, so they did. But as they were picking up litter, they also picked daises and wild flowers and stuck them in their uniforms. The sixties.

Monday is Thanksgiving but we're celebrating tomorrow, which will be nice. Good food is ALWAYS a welcome change from the standard food at school. And I've been eating nothing but good food since I hopped in the car Thursday night, and that is DEFINITELY something to be thankful for. I'm reading Amazing Grace by Kozol right now and it's incredible and very eye opening. If you're familiar with anything by Kozol you've probably been moved to tears and or made physically ill. I was reading the past I'm about to quote when I had a free minute at work the other day and, luckily for me, there was no one around because I need to maintain my tough facade, but I literally started crying.

"I ask them, 'Is this a good country?'
'No,' says Chevonne.
'Somewhere,' says Kimberly.
'Where?' I ask.
'Maybe in Connecticut,' she says.
'Why Connecticut?'
'It's quiet there,' she says. 'They have green places.'"

I take for granted the quiet and the green. I wish I could scoop all these children up in my arms and save them from the country that doesn't give a damn about them, save them from the world that wouldn't even notice if they were gone. I don't know what to do, I don't know where to begin. I think that's why I want to be a psychologist, and why I want to work with adolescents. I don't want my hands to be clean. If you have the ability you should take full advantage of the opportunity to help, and this world, this country, these people, they need our help.