Everything I Ever Needed

Music has been my lifeblood for many, many years. It kept me sane on any number of occasions, and pushed me to the brink on others. The adrenaline rush of performance, of being seen and heard, is something I fear and crave simultaneaously. I absolutely hate being in front of large groups of people (or even small groups of people for that matter). It's not that I fear rejection, because I could care less if they didn't like the way I played or the things I had to say. I fear my own interpretation of what I do. If what I do is not perfect in my eyes (perhaps it's not perfect in the eyes of others, but I obviously don't know that unless they tell me) I keep picking at what was, and picking and picking so the scab never heals. It's not just music, it's everything. It sounds kind of OCD, and maybe it is some variation of OCD but it's not terrible. It simply is.

I can live with performing to the best of my ability, to writing to the best of my ability, to being the best friend I can be, etc. I try so hard at everything that I do, and often find myself completely depleted of energy, which makes me kind of useless. So how do I renew my energy? Where can I cut back so that I am not running on empty?

Music is and has been my life. But I just don't see myself playing with my school ensemble this year. I can't STAND how small it is, for one thing. I was always in a big orchestra, well funded, but where every member was still appreciated as an individual.

I need to take some time out and find out for myself where music stands in my life. Does it remain what it is and has been for me? Or do I find a new direction? I can't imagine my life without music, and I don't want to. But I also don't want to put myself through what I went through last year with this particular ensemble.

I guess we'll see what happens.

A life without music is a fate worse than death.

Besides being slightly lost in terms of my musical goals for the coming year, I'm basically ecstatic. School starts in six days.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwNSYplomMA

That song describes how I'm feeling right now (and also my lack of ability at posting videos... I suck). Nothing's gonna bring me down.