I'm thinking about the love of my life, the things I want so badly to tell her. But she can't understand them now, and she shouldn't be expected to. I wish she knew she was the most important thing in my life. So, in lieu of actually telling her in some way, shape or form how much I love her, I'll write her a letter she will never read. Here goes nothing.
To My Favorite Girl,
You've grown up so much since I first held you close at the hospital. You were so tiny, and my hands were so big. I felt as though you might break. I felt as though my heart might break, overflowing with all that love. But I held you close, and looked into your little wrinkled face. You looked back at me, and your little eyes were lit up with the same spark so present in your grandfather's eyes. God he would have loved you so much.
It seems like only yesterday that Nana and I drove up to the hospital to see you for the first time. We weren't there the day your brother was born (I think we were in Ireland, there is a good excuse in any event). I never bonded with him the way I did with you.
You're growing up so fast, too fast if you ask me. I can still pick you up and hold you high, and swing you around. I can still hold you close when you're scared, or sit with you in the crook of my arm while I read you a story and you drift off the sleep. I just want to hold your little hand forever and ever, and keep all the scariness of the world away from you. I want to defend you against mean kids, to be at all your games and all your little concerts. I want to catch you before you go over the cliff, I want to save you. I want to make absolutely sure that you are always safe.
But I want you to live. I want you to learn so much that you don't think you could possibly learn any more, until you do, and then you discover that you haven't even scratched the surface. I want you to know all about Shakespeare and James Joyce and write your own epic stories. I want you to learn about quantum physics and things I will never understand. I want you to graduate at the top of your class, get a full scholarship to the school of YOUR dreams (yours and no one elses'), get an advanced degree and an excellent job. Most of all I want you to be happy, and I want you to be free. I want your mommy and daddy to love you like Nana and Grandpa loved me, and I know they do.
There is no distance between us that is too great. I will always be here for you: when you are contemplating a tattoo, when you had your first break-up, when you made your first really big mistake and you can't bring yourself to go home quite yet. I'm here for you.
I want you to know that I love you, more than anyone or anything else in this world. I love you more than my life. When I hear your squeeky little voice on the other end of the telephone, or get a card from you in the mail, or see your head pop over the windowsill at your house, everything is completely right with the world.
I hope you learn so much in kindergarten, and that you make lots of new friends. I secretly hope you discover that you love the violin, and follow in my footsteps. I'm trying so hard to not get ahead of myself here.
Please stay five years old forever? Stay sweet and innocent and young. Love your life, love yourself. Respect your parents, respect yourself.
You teach me something new about life and myself every time I see you. You're one of the most amazing people that I know.
I'll finish with what I said to you when I had to say goodbye to you for the first time: So long kid, see you in a little while.
I love you so much.
- Auntie Rachel
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