I haven't even been home for a week and I (with the help of the best pal ever, Molly) have laid fresh mulch (9 bags so far, still need about 10 more), dug up all the brush from underneath the trees and bushes in the front yard, moved all the brush to the far back yard (not the easiest thing to do) and put together a new fire pit.
And I managed to get head to toe poison oak.
Now, I was a girl scout, I know what poison oak, ivy and sumac look like. I saw them all as I was moving brush into the back, I even saw the rouge poison ivy in the front, nestled behind the rhododendron. I took special care to avoid them. And I am still covered in poison oak. I guess I just have to chaulk it up to fate. I get poison oak probably twice every summer, never especially bad (though I have had it around my eyes before, no fun), but always spread all over my body. I guess that's my lesson for not using gloves when I work outside, alas.
I did manage to finish off my sophomore year with a 3.6 (I got a B+ in Research Methods, holy crap!), and now I can look forward to coasting through fall semester in London, with my two art courses, Shakespeare and dundundunnnn Cognitive Psych.
It's nice to be home I s'pose. My cat and dog are cuddled up together on the couch while I watch tv and do nothing for my last week of freedom before I start a summer course. I think it's funny that if I want to graduate with my class, even though I take more courses than I need to (last semester was the exception) and I'm technically more than a junior (but not quite a senior) I still have to take a summer course and if I weren't studying abroad there would be no way in hell I'd be graduating on time, simply because my school isn't offering the courses I need for my psych major and it's not even pretending to offer the courses I need for my English major.
Well, everything is going to fall in to place I'm sure. For the time being, I'm just itchy and uncomfortable, but glad to be home :)
Friday, May 22, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Oh Hey There!
I haven't blogged in a dog's age it seems, and something just isn't right with that.
So I'm back! I may be writing sporadically, but sporadically is better for me than never. Also, summer is rapidly approaching, and if this summer is anything like last summer I am going to be migh-tee bored (considering that no one is hiring... oi).
So it's the end of the sophomore year in college, next semester I'll be in London from September 3 until a few days before Christmas, taking two classes in art, one in Shakespeare and one in cognitive psychology.
A lot has happened since the last time that I blogged, but I can't really get you up to speed in one blog, so I'll just give you the basics:
The demands of my courses were such that I could not play lacrosse this year, which was a huge mess that I spent many hours weeping over but in the end it just could not happen.
I eventually had to drop statistics (I will be taking it closer to home this summer) because I wasn't getting along with the professor and it was either drop the course or risk failing. The situation is still very new and the wound is very fresh for me so I'm just taking it in stride right now and being happy with the fact that I'll just be taking it elsewhere and I'll have the time and energy to give it my all this summer.
I'm still with Hillary ("still" probably isn't the right word choice there, because we are both very happy together and basically everything is right with the world). Today is our five month anniversary, actually. We took a trip out to Ptown last weekend and we're going to see the Dalai Lama speak next weekend, so we do a lot of fun and new things together. It's going very well, she's effectively part of my family and I couldn't be happier to have her in my life.
I decided that I'm not living on campus when I return from London, I'll be getting an apartment off campus with Hillary with spring semester and potentially for the next few years (as I plan on attending graduate school in the Boston area). It was a huge decision for me, particularly because my roommate and I are (or were) so close up until now, but I think it is for the best both in terms of finances and in terms of growing up and moving on.
My roommate and I are still very close and very good friends but she had a more or less psychoatic break recently and that has severely damaged our relationship both as friends and as roommates.
Tonight I was inducted into Alpha Lambda Delta, the National Honor Society for college freshmen who were in the top 25% of their class freshmen year (we recieve the award in the spring of our sophomore years).
So life is going well for the most part, some bumps in the road but that is to be expected, particularly when you're me and you're always finding ways to get yourself into trouble. But I always manage to find a way out, and that's what matters. I'm glad to be back, and I'll try to STAY back this time :)
Hope all is well out there and that I haven't missed too much!
So I'm back! I may be writing sporadically, but sporadically is better for me than never. Also, summer is rapidly approaching, and if this summer is anything like last summer I am going to be migh-tee bored (considering that no one is hiring... oi).
So it's the end of the sophomore year in college, next semester I'll be in London from September 3 until a few days before Christmas, taking two classes in art, one in Shakespeare and one in cognitive psychology.
A lot has happened since the last time that I blogged, but I can't really get you up to speed in one blog, so I'll just give you the basics:
The demands of my courses were such that I could not play lacrosse this year, which was a huge mess that I spent many hours weeping over but in the end it just could not happen.
I eventually had to drop statistics (I will be taking it closer to home this summer) because I wasn't getting along with the professor and it was either drop the course or risk failing. The situation is still very new and the wound is very fresh for me so I'm just taking it in stride right now and being happy with the fact that I'll just be taking it elsewhere and I'll have the time and energy to give it my all this summer.
I'm still with Hillary ("still" probably isn't the right word choice there, because we are both very happy together and basically everything is right with the world). Today is our five month anniversary, actually. We took a trip out to Ptown last weekend and we're going to see the Dalai Lama speak next weekend, so we do a lot of fun and new things together. It's going very well, she's effectively part of my family and I couldn't be happier to have her in my life.
I decided that I'm not living on campus when I return from London, I'll be getting an apartment off campus with Hillary with spring semester and potentially for the next few years (as I plan on attending graduate school in the Boston area). It was a huge decision for me, particularly because my roommate and I are (or were) so close up until now, but I think it is for the best both in terms of finances and in terms of growing up and moving on.
My roommate and I are still very close and very good friends but she had a more or less psychoatic break recently and that has severely damaged our relationship both as friends and as roommates.
Tonight I was inducted into Alpha Lambda Delta, the National Honor Society for college freshmen who were in the top 25% of their class freshmen year (we recieve the award in the spring of our sophomore years).
So life is going well for the most part, some bumps in the road but that is to be expected, particularly when you're me and you're always finding ways to get yourself into trouble. But I always manage to find a way out, and that's what matters. I'm glad to be back, and I'll try to STAY back this time :)
Hope all is well out there and that I haven't missed too much!
Monday, March 2, 2009
Though I've Tried...
The weekend started out wonderfully. I spent Friday doing laundry, watching Indiana Jones and napping (I never nap! It was fabulous!). On Saturday my mother and Naveen came up to school to visit us and to celebrate my acceptance to the study abroad program and Naveen's visa extension.
NAVEEN'S VISA WAS EXTENDED! How awesome is that?? Everyone is super happy about it and I couldn't be more glad.
We went out to the macaroni grill for linner, and then we went to a Boston Blazers (MLL) game at the garden (they won!) and proceeded to check ourselves in to the courtyard marriot. The beds were so comfortable and it was probably the best sleep I've had in a very long time. Needless to say, it ranks in the top of the best weekends ever (the weekend of Tegan and Sara is number 1).
We got back to campus today and did homework, etc. until a GSA meeting at 9 pm.
As Hillary and I were entering my dorm, where the meeting was being held, a girl (a former very good friend of mine) burst out of the front doors, weeping bitterly. She was on the phone with her mother and I went to open the door for Hillary when I heard the words "Mom, one of my friends just hung himself."
Why do people do such senseless things? Don't they know that there are people who love and care about them? Don't they know there is help for them?
I held this girl in the snow and the wind while she sobbed into my shoulder. I moved her into the lounge while Hillary made sure we weren't interrupted by club members filing down to the meeting. She kept sobbing and wondering and repeating "Oh God." I've never had a friend commit suicide before, and I don't think I'd be able to handle it it ever happened.
Tears were streaming down my face as I walked her up to her room and made sure her roommate was there to take care of her. Luckily we had a snow day today, or perhaps not so luckily, since she won't be able to have her mind taken off of the present events.
I went down to lead the GSA meeting but I quickly found myself unable. I got up at the beginning of the meeting, walked out of the doors, walked down the hall to my room, opened the door and burst into tears. Hillary was there to catch me and hold me and tell me it was okay. She thought I knew this kid too, why else would I be so upset?
I was upset because people shouldn't hurt themselves, in any way. Why do people have to take their own lives? Don't they see how much it hurts the people who love them? Why do people have to be sad? Can't everyone just be happy to be alive, be thankful for every moment, good or bad?
I was crying because I can't save everyone, no matter how hard I try.
NAVEEN'S VISA WAS EXTENDED! How awesome is that?? Everyone is super happy about it and I couldn't be more glad.
We went out to the macaroni grill for linner, and then we went to a Boston Blazers (MLL) game at the garden (they won!) and proceeded to check ourselves in to the courtyard marriot. The beds were so comfortable and it was probably the best sleep I've had in a very long time. Needless to say, it ranks in the top of the best weekends ever (the weekend of Tegan and Sara is number 1).
We got back to campus today and did homework, etc. until a GSA meeting at 9 pm.
As Hillary and I were entering my dorm, where the meeting was being held, a girl (a former very good friend of mine) burst out of the front doors, weeping bitterly. She was on the phone with her mother and I went to open the door for Hillary when I heard the words "Mom, one of my friends just hung himself."
Why do people do such senseless things? Don't they know that there are people who love and care about them? Don't they know there is help for them?
I held this girl in the snow and the wind while she sobbed into my shoulder. I moved her into the lounge while Hillary made sure we weren't interrupted by club members filing down to the meeting. She kept sobbing and wondering and repeating "Oh God." I've never had a friend commit suicide before, and I don't think I'd be able to handle it it ever happened.
Tears were streaming down my face as I walked her up to her room and made sure her roommate was there to take care of her. Luckily we had a snow day today, or perhaps not so luckily, since she won't be able to have her mind taken off of the present events.
I went down to lead the GSA meeting but I quickly found myself unable. I got up at the beginning of the meeting, walked out of the doors, walked down the hall to my room, opened the door and burst into tears. Hillary was there to catch me and hold me and tell me it was okay. She thought I knew this kid too, why else would I be so upset?
I was upset because people shouldn't hurt themselves, in any way. Why do people have to take their own lives? Don't they see how much it hurts the people who love them? Why do people have to be sad? Can't everyone just be happy to be alive, be thankful for every moment, good or bad?
I was crying because I can't save everyone, no matter how hard I try.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Updates updates updates
I'm going to London!! Fall semester '09 I'll be studying abroad in London! I got the paperwork in earlier this week and I found out yesterday that I've been approved to study abroad! Now all I have to do is get my course list approved by my advisor and I'm all set. Move in day is September 3, and the last day in the dorms is December 20. I'm so excited!!
I go to Disney with my friends in 15 days. We leave March 8 and come home March 13. It's probably going to be the best time of my life. My beautiful girlfriend, my best friend at school Alycia, and a bunch of my other friends from school, all in the happiest place on Earth causing a ruckus.
I have, unfortunately, somewhat quit lacrosse. Quit isn't the right word because I still hang around with the girls and play whenever I get the chance, but I can't show up regularly because I have far too many commitments as it is. I still love to play, and there is nothing like running around with balls and sticks, but it can't be my main focus.
Running the GSA has turned into a full time job. We're selling t-shirts (which I helped design along with my co-partner Alycia and our advisor) and I decided we should decrease the price to $5 so that people would actually buy them, but we need to make up the difference, so we had a bake sale at a dance show on campus this weekend. The grand total comes to somewhere in the neighbourhood of $430, which is much more than I was anticipating. And I've been baking all weekend (well, since Wednesday actually) so I'm pretty exhausted. But I think I can claim the title Domestic Goddess at this point in time, so I'm pleased. I've never helped bake so many brownies, cookies, and cupcakes in my life.
I've been recruited to help start a Psychology Club at school. I was straight forward and told the club advisor that I would not be president, but if I have to have a position because I'm helping to start it, I'll be treasurer. I over extend myself too much and I need something easier and less demanding in my life.
I've also had a slight change of heart in terms of my career goals. I want to be a psychologist in some capacity, and I want to get my PhD, but I am at this point thinking that I will be going to seminary straight out of undergrad. I need to begin the talks with my pastor regarding ordination (which would be my ultimate goal). The only issue I see is that the Lutheran Church, although we are tolerant of the gays and openly ordain the gays, homosexual pastors must abstain from homosexual relationships after ordination. That's gonna be a huge nay, and I'm hoping there is a loop hole I can discover. I'll figure something out, or I'll become an Episcopalian. Or I'll get my doctorate of divinity and teach religion and philosophy courses. I suppose we'll see how things go, but at this point in time I feel very drawn to service in the church, not that I haven't always but it feels particularly strong right now.
So my life is pretty chaotic and exciting right now, but most lives are chaotic and exciting, right? Hope everyone is doing very well out there in this great big world.
I go to Disney with my friends in 15 days. We leave March 8 and come home March 13. It's probably going to be the best time of my life. My beautiful girlfriend, my best friend at school Alycia, and a bunch of my other friends from school, all in the happiest place on Earth causing a ruckus.
I have, unfortunately, somewhat quit lacrosse. Quit isn't the right word because I still hang around with the girls and play whenever I get the chance, but I can't show up regularly because I have far too many commitments as it is. I still love to play, and there is nothing like running around with balls and sticks, but it can't be my main focus.
Running the GSA has turned into a full time job. We're selling t-shirts (which I helped design along with my co-partner Alycia and our advisor) and I decided we should decrease the price to $5 so that people would actually buy them, but we need to make up the difference, so we had a bake sale at a dance show on campus this weekend. The grand total comes to somewhere in the neighbourhood of $430, which is much more than I was anticipating. And I've been baking all weekend (well, since Wednesday actually) so I'm pretty exhausted. But I think I can claim the title Domestic Goddess at this point in time, so I'm pleased. I've never helped bake so many brownies, cookies, and cupcakes in my life.
I've been recruited to help start a Psychology Club at school. I was straight forward and told the club advisor that I would not be president, but if I have to have a position because I'm helping to start it, I'll be treasurer. I over extend myself too much and I need something easier and less demanding in my life.
I've also had a slight change of heart in terms of my career goals. I want to be a psychologist in some capacity, and I want to get my PhD, but I am at this point thinking that I will be going to seminary straight out of undergrad. I need to begin the talks with my pastor regarding ordination (which would be my ultimate goal). The only issue I see is that the Lutheran Church, although we are tolerant of the gays and openly ordain the gays, homosexual pastors must abstain from homosexual relationships after ordination. That's gonna be a huge nay, and I'm hoping there is a loop hole I can discover. I'll figure something out, or I'll become an Episcopalian. Or I'll get my doctorate of divinity and teach religion and philosophy courses. I suppose we'll see how things go, but at this point in time I feel very drawn to service in the church, not that I haven't always but it feels particularly strong right now.
So my life is pretty chaotic and exciting right now, but most lives are chaotic and exciting, right? Hope everyone is doing very well out there in this great big world.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Valentine's Day
Since Valentine's Day happened to fall on the long weekend this year, and I had big plans for Saturday, I decided Hillary and I would go home to Connecticut for the weekend. So right now I'm sitting in my green chair in my living room after having held my rabbit and played with my dog. I miss those things so much at school, it's going to be heartbreaking to leave tomorrow. But I'll start from the beginning of the weekend, it's mainly adorable so if you don't appreciate adorable things you should avert your eyes.
Friday night Hillary called me to come over to her dorm around 5, as she was making me dinner and she was lonely in the kitchen all by herself. But I was explicitly told to not go into her room. So we hung out in the kitchen while she cooked me my Valentine's dinner (which was a surprise up until that point). Now, Hillary is no cook mind you, so this was a HUGE deal. She made pasta alfredo with chicken, and the alfredo sauce was home made (by Hillary!). She did an amazing job and it was probably the best pasta alfredo I've had in my entire life, without exaggeration.
Then we hung out and nursed our food babies for about an hour and Hillary went to the fridge and brought out a plate full of strawberries dipped in chocolate that she had made a few hours earlier. It was so sweet because when we go grocery shopping she knows that I immediately go to the berries and get strawberries and raspberries (my absolute fave!). She told me she almost got raspberries to dip in the chocolate but that she was advised that they wouldn't be conducive to being covered in chocolate. It was so cute, and they were absolutely amazing, and it was especially appreciated because Hillary doesn't eat chocolate (it makes her sick or something or she is revolted by it, I dunno she's just weird) so she made them entirely for me.
We spent the rest of the evening watching Chocolat, which was SUPERB! We loved that movie and definitely recommend it.
Saturday morning we got up early and drove to the destination of my part of the Valentine's Day planning. Over Thanksgiving when I told Hillary I was going to the National Zoo she told me that she loves zoos but she hadn't been to one in a very long time. I love zoos and the Roger Williams Zoo in Providence is probably my favourite zoo ever (for sentimental reasons). I hadn't been there in a year or two (my parents had been taking me to that zoo basically from birth) and I figured she would enjoy it too. So I took her to the zoo, which was about an hour from school and two hours from home, and we had an fantastic time. A baby giraffe was born there in late December, so the little guy was still very little and sooo cute.
And we saw the gibbons, who I always sort of gravitate too every time I go to Roger Williams. They had a jouvenile male who was so active, such a crazy. He kept running up to his dad and hitting him and trying to get him to play, but dad was having none of it. I got a really good picture of the boy and his dad together.
After we were done at the zoo we went to the merry-go-round in the park. There was basically no one there, and a ride on the merry-go-round only cost a dollar. It was a lot of fun, we really enjoyed ourselves and it was by far the best Valentine's Day I've ever had.
We had dinner at Cracker Barrel and took the long drive home. When we got home we hung out with my mother and Naveen for the rest of the evening, playing Monopoly and drinking. Eventually we stopped playing and started chatting and we talked until 2 am. We talked about everything from our uncertainty over the fate of our college, the economy, the inequities between the genders, etc. We finally went to bed after a fun filled two days of awesome, and were woken up this morning to cinnabuns and tea because my mother loves us dearly.
I really love Hillary. I love her because she's sitting in the same room with me right now, on her lap top, and we can be contented to just do our own thing for a little while. I love her because she sneaks up behind me when I'm brushing my hair and wraps her arms around me. I love her because she lets me sleep in while she showers (and doesn't hold it against me when I tell her I'm just going to be that kid who doesn't bother to shower). She's the best, and like I told her last night, she's my best friend and such a great love. I'm so happy.
Friday night Hillary called me to come over to her dorm around 5, as she was making me dinner and she was lonely in the kitchen all by herself. But I was explicitly told to not go into her room. So we hung out in the kitchen while she cooked me my Valentine's dinner (which was a surprise up until that point). Now, Hillary is no cook mind you, so this was a HUGE deal. She made pasta alfredo with chicken, and the alfredo sauce was home made (by Hillary!). She did an amazing job and it was probably the best pasta alfredo I've had in my entire life, without exaggeration.
Then we hung out and nursed our food babies for about an hour and Hillary went to the fridge and brought out a plate full of strawberries dipped in chocolate that she had made a few hours earlier. It was so sweet because when we go grocery shopping she knows that I immediately go to the berries and get strawberries and raspberries (my absolute fave!). She told me she almost got raspberries to dip in the chocolate but that she was advised that they wouldn't be conducive to being covered in chocolate. It was so cute, and they were absolutely amazing, and it was especially appreciated because Hillary doesn't eat chocolate (it makes her sick or something or she is revolted by it, I dunno she's just weird) so she made them entirely for me.
We spent the rest of the evening watching Chocolat, which was SUPERB! We loved that movie and definitely recommend it.
Saturday morning we got up early and drove to the destination of my part of the Valentine's Day planning. Over Thanksgiving when I told Hillary I was going to the National Zoo she told me that she loves zoos but she hadn't been to one in a very long time. I love zoos and the Roger Williams Zoo in Providence is probably my favourite zoo ever (for sentimental reasons). I hadn't been there in a year or two (my parents had been taking me to that zoo basically from birth) and I figured she would enjoy it too. So I took her to the zoo, which was about an hour from school and two hours from home, and we had an fantastic time. A baby giraffe was born there in late December, so the little guy was still very little and sooo cute.
And we saw the gibbons, who I always sort of gravitate too every time I go to Roger Williams. They had a jouvenile male who was so active, such a crazy. He kept running up to his dad and hitting him and trying to get him to play, but dad was having none of it. I got a really good picture of the boy and his dad together.
After we were done at the zoo we went to the merry-go-round in the park. There was basically no one there, and a ride on the merry-go-round only cost a dollar. It was a lot of fun, we really enjoyed ourselves and it was by far the best Valentine's Day I've ever had.
We had dinner at Cracker Barrel and took the long drive home. When we got home we hung out with my mother and Naveen for the rest of the evening, playing Monopoly and drinking. Eventually we stopped playing and started chatting and we talked until 2 am. We talked about everything from our uncertainty over the fate of our college, the economy, the inequities between the genders, etc. We finally went to bed after a fun filled two days of awesome, and were woken up this morning to cinnabuns and tea because my mother loves us dearly.
I really love Hillary. I love her because she's sitting in the same room with me right now, on her lap top, and we can be contented to just do our own thing for a little while. I love her because she sneaks up behind me when I'm brushing my hair and wraps her arms around me. I love her because she lets me sleep in while she showers (and doesn't hold it against me when I tell her I'm just going to be that kid who doesn't bother to shower). She's the best, and like I told her last night, she's my best friend and such a great love. I'm so happy.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Another Letter I'll Never Send
This is another letter I'll never send. It's not that I don't want to send this one, it's just that it is impossible for it to be delivered.
Dear George,
On Thursday it will be two years. Three years ago I laid my bow on the strings and my fingers against the neck and my violin sang into the ceiling. Four years ago I smiled at you when I walked into the bandroom, and we told jokes and laughed and you made silly faces at people who weren't paying attention. Five years ago we were getting ready to compete in Toronto, and I had already learned a great deal from you in less than a year.
I remember the first time I met you, vividly. It was at summer music the summer between middle school and high school. I rode my bike to the middle school, to surround myself with the music program that I had dedicated myself to for four years. You were sitting there while the first violins practiced, holding your baby girl in your lap. You made me laugh so hard and I didn't even know you, but I knew we would be fast friends.
On the first day of high school I was terrified, but orchestra was an immediate home for me. Kate and I plopped ourselves down in the most comfortable chair in the bandroom and listened to you talk about the rigors of orchestra, knowing you were probably the least serious person we'd ever met. We took playing tests as freshman and sophomores, to determine our seating assignments. Kate and I were last stand first violins, a definite honor for freshman. I remember our playing exam sophomore year. When we finished you sat there with paper in front of you, pen in hand, looking at us. All you said was "And you're only sophomores." I could have cried with how good you made me feel about my abilities. I felt like I could do anything, play anything, be anything, because of you.
I went to Ireland over April vacation junior year, when the music department went on the annual music trip. That year you went to Boston, and orchestra placed second in the competition. We placed second my freshman year, and first my sophomore year. You were always so proud of us, and you always told us to ignore what the judges said, that we sounded great no matter what. And we did, we sounded like a team. If I could go back and change anything, I would have been there for the trip to Boston, so I could have spent a little more time with you. So I could have been there with my orchestra, with my team. I'm sorry, George.
You looked terrible on the night of the spring concert junior year. You had recently been told you would be taking over heading the band in addition to the orchestra. Your responsibilities were mounting and the music department budget was shrinking.
After the concert you went to the doctor, with fatigue. Nothing scary, right?
The doctor told you that you were sick. Very sick. You had leukemia.
They told us you had leukemia. I never panicked. Everyone was all over the place, terrified that you were going to die, trying to be hopeful that you would make a swift recovery. Everyone prayed. The "paper cranes" phenonmenon swept the school, and everyone wishes and hoped that you would be all right. Everyone loved you, George. You never made an enemy of the students, and you made dozens of great friends of the faculty.
You left the school to get treatment, and a less capable person filled in for you while you were gone. No one liked him, no one trusted him. He wasn't you.
The winter concert went smoothly, we sounded great, and we all played for you. We wore our blue and gold "Jammin' for George" wristbands, and all of our parents clapped and cheered for you when you sat in the front row. We played a benefit concert for your family and your expenses a few weeks later. Your eyes were deep and sunken, your formerly bald and shiny head was even balder. Your skin lacked its natural healthy glow. You were so skinny. You stood to conduct us for one song at the winter concert, but that was all you could handle. We cried so hard during that song. I turned to one of my friends, tears streaming down my face, and asked her if this was the last time we would be conducted by you. She told me not to say that, that it would be okay.
They told us you weren't coming back to teach us. They told us you were dying. They had ever single counselor in the band room, every single available staff member on hand. Tears streamed down my hot cheeks as I heard the words traveling out of their mouths and into my ears. You were dying. We finally had confirmation of our worst fears. You were dying.
I went into the practice room area and fell against a wall. Kate caught me and held me while I wept bitterly. It was the first time I ever really cried. I never cried when my father died, never really cried anyway. I feel, in a lot of ways, like your death was a continuation of my father's death. Like cancer was killing all of the important men in my life. It was a great release of emotion, of all the pent of rage and sadness from my father's death and all the feelings I had over you, George.
On February 5, 2007 I was sitting in second period cafe study, my books piled in front of me on a cafeteria table just high enough that I could rest my tired head. The principal's voice mumbled over the intercom that, after a long and hard fought battle against leukemia, you died. I felt like the battle that we had all been fighting was lost, like what was the use of any of it? It was the first time in my life that I realised that love isn't enough. Love isn't enough to keep someone in your life, it's not enough to keep friends from fighting, lovers from leaving, fathers and mothers and friends and teachers from dying. Everything I thought I knew was gone.
And so you died. I left cafe study and wandered down the long hallways to the music wing. I found Kate in the hallway, dropped my books and grabbed her in my arms. The teachers quickly ushered us to the music wing where we hugged and cried. I couldn't even stand to see how devastated we all were. I went home and lay in my bed for hours, just crying and wondering.
The violin felt different in my hand after that. The strings didn't have to same pang as before. My heart was completely broken. Love wasn't enough to keep you alive, George. It just wasn't enough.
And so you've been dead for two years now, and I miss you as much as I did a year ago, and two years ago, and as much as I will miss you three, ten, twenty years from now. The pain never goes away, it sometimes changes and sometimes it gets easier to get through the day without crying, but it never goes away. Sometimes I remember your smile, your laugh (you had such an amazing laugh!), your bald head, the love I know you felt for your students and music, and I cry. I'm not crying for me George, and maybe I'm not even crying because I'm sad. I cry because I knew you, and you touched my life. I've known many angels in my short experience here on Earth, and you George were certainly one of them. I cry because I'm so grateful, so very thankful that I knew you and that my life will never be the same.
If you see my daddy, play him a song for me. But NOT Duffy's Cut :) Play something happy and full of life. When I play my violin, run my fingers over the strings and grip the bow loosely, I see you on the pages in front of my eyes. I see my father, who never got to hear me play. I'm playing for you, George, and my daddy, and me. Put in a good word for me.
God, I miss you so much.
Dear George,
On Thursday it will be two years. Three years ago I laid my bow on the strings and my fingers against the neck and my violin sang into the ceiling. Four years ago I smiled at you when I walked into the bandroom, and we told jokes and laughed and you made silly faces at people who weren't paying attention. Five years ago we were getting ready to compete in Toronto, and I had already learned a great deal from you in less than a year.
I remember the first time I met you, vividly. It was at summer music the summer between middle school and high school. I rode my bike to the middle school, to surround myself with the music program that I had dedicated myself to for four years. You were sitting there while the first violins practiced, holding your baby girl in your lap. You made me laugh so hard and I didn't even know you, but I knew we would be fast friends.
On the first day of high school I was terrified, but orchestra was an immediate home for me. Kate and I plopped ourselves down in the most comfortable chair in the bandroom and listened to you talk about the rigors of orchestra, knowing you were probably the least serious person we'd ever met. We took playing tests as freshman and sophomores, to determine our seating assignments. Kate and I were last stand first violins, a definite honor for freshman. I remember our playing exam sophomore year. When we finished you sat there with paper in front of you, pen in hand, looking at us. All you said was "And you're only sophomores." I could have cried with how good you made me feel about my abilities. I felt like I could do anything, play anything, be anything, because of you.
I went to Ireland over April vacation junior year, when the music department went on the annual music trip. That year you went to Boston, and orchestra placed second in the competition. We placed second my freshman year, and first my sophomore year. You were always so proud of us, and you always told us to ignore what the judges said, that we sounded great no matter what. And we did, we sounded like a team. If I could go back and change anything, I would have been there for the trip to Boston, so I could have spent a little more time with you. So I could have been there with my orchestra, with my team. I'm sorry, George.
You looked terrible on the night of the spring concert junior year. You had recently been told you would be taking over heading the band in addition to the orchestra. Your responsibilities were mounting and the music department budget was shrinking.
After the concert you went to the doctor, with fatigue. Nothing scary, right?
The doctor told you that you were sick. Very sick. You had leukemia.
They told us you had leukemia. I never panicked. Everyone was all over the place, terrified that you were going to die, trying to be hopeful that you would make a swift recovery. Everyone prayed. The "paper cranes" phenonmenon swept the school, and everyone wishes and hoped that you would be all right. Everyone loved you, George. You never made an enemy of the students, and you made dozens of great friends of the faculty.
You left the school to get treatment, and a less capable person filled in for you while you were gone. No one liked him, no one trusted him. He wasn't you.
The winter concert went smoothly, we sounded great, and we all played for you. We wore our blue and gold "Jammin' for George" wristbands, and all of our parents clapped and cheered for you when you sat in the front row. We played a benefit concert for your family and your expenses a few weeks later. Your eyes were deep and sunken, your formerly bald and shiny head was even balder. Your skin lacked its natural healthy glow. You were so skinny. You stood to conduct us for one song at the winter concert, but that was all you could handle. We cried so hard during that song. I turned to one of my friends, tears streaming down my face, and asked her if this was the last time we would be conducted by you. She told me not to say that, that it would be okay.
They told us you weren't coming back to teach us. They told us you were dying. They had ever single counselor in the band room, every single available staff member on hand. Tears streamed down my hot cheeks as I heard the words traveling out of their mouths and into my ears. You were dying. We finally had confirmation of our worst fears. You were dying.
I went into the practice room area and fell against a wall. Kate caught me and held me while I wept bitterly. It was the first time I ever really cried. I never cried when my father died, never really cried anyway. I feel, in a lot of ways, like your death was a continuation of my father's death. Like cancer was killing all of the important men in my life. It was a great release of emotion, of all the pent of rage and sadness from my father's death and all the feelings I had over you, George.
On February 5, 2007 I was sitting in second period cafe study, my books piled in front of me on a cafeteria table just high enough that I could rest my tired head. The principal's voice mumbled over the intercom that, after a long and hard fought battle against leukemia, you died. I felt like the battle that we had all been fighting was lost, like what was the use of any of it? It was the first time in my life that I realised that love isn't enough. Love isn't enough to keep someone in your life, it's not enough to keep friends from fighting, lovers from leaving, fathers and mothers and friends and teachers from dying. Everything I thought I knew was gone.
And so you died. I left cafe study and wandered down the long hallways to the music wing. I found Kate in the hallway, dropped my books and grabbed her in my arms. The teachers quickly ushered us to the music wing where we hugged and cried. I couldn't even stand to see how devastated we all were. I went home and lay in my bed for hours, just crying and wondering.
The violin felt different in my hand after that. The strings didn't have to same pang as before. My heart was completely broken. Love wasn't enough to keep you alive, George. It just wasn't enough.
And so you've been dead for two years now, and I miss you as much as I did a year ago, and two years ago, and as much as I will miss you three, ten, twenty years from now. The pain never goes away, it sometimes changes and sometimes it gets easier to get through the day without crying, but it never goes away. Sometimes I remember your smile, your laugh (you had such an amazing laugh!), your bald head, the love I know you felt for your students and music, and I cry. I'm not crying for me George, and maybe I'm not even crying because I'm sad. I cry because I knew you, and you touched my life. I've known many angels in my short experience here on Earth, and you George were certainly one of them. I cry because I'm so grateful, so very thankful that I knew you and that my life will never be the same.
If you see my daddy, play him a song for me. But NOT Duffy's Cut :) Play something happy and full of life. When I play my violin, run my fingers over the strings and grip the bow loosely, I see you on the pages in front of my eyes. I see my father, who never got to hear me play. I'm playing for you, George, and my daddy, and me. Put in a good word for me.
God, I miss you so much.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Yuck
I haven't blogged in a little while, not because there has been nothing to blog about but because I've been bogged down with school work, meetings, club work, etc. The only reason I am able to blog today is because I have the flu, and I'm spending the day in bed with my laptop, my cell phone and my television. The last time I had the flu I was nine years old, it was the winter after my father died and all I remember was laying down on the couch and not being able to get back up for a week.
Yesterday morning I woke up to a snow day, and an illness. All day I was mopey and headachey and then just achey and tired. I came back to my dorm after dinner and did homework, and then Hillary came over when I was finished and rubbed my back and told me that I was on fire, even though I was absolutely freezing. I've never experienced such chills before in my life. So my roommate and Hillary put me under the covers and stocked the fridge with water and made sure I had water and tissues next to me. Al gave me her flannel blanket for my feet and Hillary got me nyquil and sudafed (for the morning) and I conked out sometime around 11. I've never had nyquil before and it was a very trippy experience. It might have been interacting strangely with the other medicine I take for asthma and allergies, or I might have just been tripping out on nyquil in a flu induced delirium.
Lacrosse was supposed to start last night but as a result of the weather the kick off was postponed until tonight. I wouldn't have been able to play yesterday, and I certainly won't be able to play today. I can barely walk, much less run or hold a lacrosse stick.
School has been going well, other than this recent illness. I dropped psychopathology, which has already made my life much easier and my time much more manageable. It seemed like it would be a great class, but I can take it at some other point and I really need to not go insane this semester.
I recently got the paperwork and I am applying to study abroad in London fall semester '09. I'm very excited and hope that I get to go.
I'm a little too under the weather right now to add much more, but I do hope that all is well with everyone reading this and I'll try to get back on a regular blogging schedule as soon as I can. Times are chaotic right now because the semester just began and I haven't quite gotten back into the swing of things (and I lead a somewhat crazy life) but I'll be back for good eventually.
Yesterday morning I woke up to a snow day, and an illness. All day I was mopey and headachey and then just achey and tired. I came back to my dorm after dinner and did homework, and then Hillary came over when I was finished and rubbed my back and told me that I was on fire, even though I was absolutely freezing. I've never experienced such chills before in my life. So my roommate and Hillary put me under the covers and stocked the fridge with water and made sure I had water and tissues next to me. Al gave me her flannel blanket for my feet and Hillary got me nyquil and sudafed (for the morning) and I conked out sometime around 11. I've never had nyquil before and it was a very trippy experience. It might have been interacting strangely with the other medicine I take for asthma and allergies, or I might have just been tripping out on nyquil in a flu induced delirium.
Lacrosse was supposed to start last night but as a result of the weather the kick off was postponed until tonight. I wouldn't have been able to play yesterday, and I certainly won't be able to play today. I can barely walk, much less run or hold a lacrosse stick.
School has been going well, other than this recent illness. I dropped psychopathology, which has already made my life much easier and my time much more manageable. It seemed like it would be a great class, but I can take it at some other point and I really need to not go insane this semester.
I recently got the paperwork and I am applying to study abroad in London fall semester '09. I'm very excited and hope that I get to go.
I'm a little too under the weather right now to add much more, but I do hope that all is well with everyone reading this and I'll try to get back on a regular blogging schedule as soon as I can. Times are chaotic right now because the semester just began and I haven't quite gotten back into the swing of things (and I lead a somewhat crazy life) but I'll be back for good eventually.
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