Got back to school yesterday, and it was and continues to be ridiculously hot in all the dorms.
It's kind of weird being back, the lights are brighter and there is always someone to talk to, someone to hug when you need one, someone at your doorstep when you just want to be alone.
I was basically alone all summer except for hanging out with my friends in the evenings or when we were going on a road trip. Now I am constantly surrounded by life and people and emotions, never ending. So much sound all the time, never a quiet moment. It's weird, but I've never felt lonelier. It makes me sick to my stomach. I feel like something is wrong with me. I was so happy during the summer, with peace and quiet and nothing to do but endless opportunities. Now I am on a schedule and I have work to do, reading and writing and non sense. I just want to sleep, and it's not even the third day yet. I love school, and I love learning, and I love being here and being surrounded by people who I know. People who I all know. What is wrong with me.
I feel like I'm being fake here because I put on this happy facade and then when I'm alone, like now, I get to be me. No one else but me. Maybe I'm anti social. I really hate to say this, and it's so not me which concerns me, but if I could I would just go to my car and cry. Just cry. I'm not homesick, and I'm surrounded by people who care about me and who I care about, but something changed over the last two days. I'm still trying to figure out what it is.
Maybe I just need to settle in. Maybe it's this whole identity thing that I've been having trouble with as of late. I'm not the same person I was last year. Last year I had to tell everyone that I'm a lesbian. This year I tell them what? I still love women, but what I am now? I'm still a chick and I always will be, but there is something more. I'm not just a chick and I'm not just a lesbian.
I hate feeling like this. But I love college, and learning, and my friends.
I'm optimistic that things will get better.
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