Hypocritical?

I get hit on occasionally, it's never really anything to write home about and for the most part I keep it to myself. I'm in a committed relationship (the term "committed" makes me think of padded walls), living with my girlfriend of one year and four months and our cats doing, the domesticated thing.

The last time I reallly got hit on I was buying a new pair of hiking shoes at Eastern Mountain Sport. I walked over to the wall-o-shoes looking for the pair I wanted and this chick descended upon me like no one's business. If I had been single (or a lesser person) I totally would have flirted back. There is a girl who keeps coming back to my work (I help students at my school with papers) and signing up for my time blocks and sitting realllly close to me when I'm working with her. When her fingers brushed my hand one time it was everything I could do to not fall straight out of my chair. That was less being hit on and more being bashed over the head, in my opinion (in that there was nothing subtled about that action).

I usually tell Hillary when I get hit on, I don't know why. Maybe it's a subconscious desire to make her jealous. Maybe it's a subtle hint to her that she best appreciate what she has (because if she doesn't someone else will appreciate it for her). For the most part we have a good relationship, certainly better than average. The fact that we enjoy cooking together and cleaning together (most of the time) definitely helps, and being able to sit quietly and read or write or do homework without disturbing each other (again, most of the time) is good. A lot of the time we bicker like sisters, and then I wonder to myself "is this really what I want?" I don't know if this is really what I want. I don't know if I want to be twenty years old and in a committed relationship, I'd love to be able to go out with that girl from my job. Sometimes in the morning though, when the orange morning sun is peeking through the curtains in the bedroom, the glow will land just right on Hillary's hair and I'll see more clearly how beautiful she is, how beautiful she always is. I'll remember all the good times we have and have had and will continue to have, forgetting all the rough patches and all the (really) bad times. I'll reach my arm around her waist and pull her in to me really tight, and when the alarm clock goes off at 7:30 she'll wake up in my arms and it will be the start to a better, brighter day.

I've been home in Connecticut since last Friday, and Hillary has been alone in the apartment. I bet she is lonely, and understandably so, but I needed some time to spend at my house with my mom and my friends and my animals over my spring break.

Today Hillary called me and told me that some guy who she had a meeting with yesterday (a big meeting of the big shot college admission counselors) flirted with her today. I think it's funny, Hillary is so goofy it never even occurred to me that someone else would think she is attractive. She's a very attractive person, but she's just so darn goofy, and she's not a stereotypical pretty girl. She loves her job and she does it well, she's not out there to meet a man (or a woman, for that matter) so I guess I am kid of surprised at how presumptuous this guy was.

Apparently he emailed her asking her about something from their big meeting yesterday and they emailed back and forth about work stuff for a bit and then he asked her for her number (although, I have to wonder, why would you give some near-stranger your phone number?) and she gave it to him. He started texting her and initiated the flirting with something to the effect of "you should be happy that you have a cute guy's phone number."

Hold. the. phone (literally). Did he just compliment HIMSELF? Bold. Homeboy's got balls.

She texted him back something to the effect of "not really, I don't think my girlfriend would be too happy about it."

Annnnnndddd in comes the stereotypical "girlfriend??" and the wonder at the fact that yes, a woman MIGHT choose to be with another woman because there are guys like you (addressing this gentleman who made the decision to flirt with my girlfriend) out there.

I can't wait for him to text her asking about a threesome, because that's all lesbians live for obviously.

College is a strange world, not quite high school (where heterosexuality is the ONLY sexuality) and not quite adulthood where (at least on the East Coast of the U.S.) sexuality and "love relationships" are left to the adult's choosing or inclination.

Boys still assume girls want them, even if that girl is a lesbian. Girls still assume boys are going to drool over them if they come to class with their tits hanging out, even if that boy is gay.

If I were a man, in a heterosexual relationship with Hillary, I would have every right to be pissed off at this guy and to be protective of my girlfriend. I feel like, since I'm in a homosexual relationship I don't have the social ability to be pissed off and to be protective. I'm supposed to just go belly up to any advances made on my girlfriend. She's not my property and she has the ability to make her own decisions and defend herself, but I still feel kind of... I don't know... hurt?

Not hurt I guess... but funny. People don't usually hit on Hillary because she's goofy, and that goofyness is part of what I love the most about her. I also love it when she laughs because she has the FUNNIEST laugh. She has a cute nose and a beautiful face. Anyone with two functional eyes could see that about her and love her for it, so I can't really blame this guy. But he doesn't know that she's a really good cook and a really fun cooking partner. He doesn't know that she'll slip her hand into yours when you least expect it when you're meandering the grocery store. He doesn't know that she loves gummy candies (especially those fruit slice candies) and watching Greys Anatomy on her laptop instead of reading files on Thursday nights. He doesn't know anything about her, and the fact that he thinks he knows her and he thinks he has the right to know her is what pisses me off the most. I don't even know this guy and I know he's not good enough for her, and he never will be. And that's what really bothers me.

"Depressed" doesn't even begin to describe how I'm feeling right now.

Hillary left this afternoon to go back home to Boston, and oh how jealous I am of her. I can't wait to get home, I'm probably going to kiss the ground, the customs officers, the baggage handlers, everyone. I love it here in London and I've had such a great time but:

I. am. ready. to. get. my. ass. home.

I haven't been homesick this whole time. I've been sick of traveling, sick of being "on" all the time, sick of not being near my animals, sick of being around strangers 95% of the time and sick of not being with my family and friends, but none of that even compares to how sick, physically and emotionally, I feel over Hillary leaving.

I had to write about it because I can't just lay in my bed and cry all night, so I need to get this out.

Twenty-one days feels like an eternity. I'm just about ready to throw in the towel, but I know that would be ridiculous since I'd miss finals and fail all my classes. I just want to go home so badly at this point that it's the only thing on my mind.

Hillary brought me four of those easy mac in a cup things where all you do is add water and microwave, and I ate one for dinner tonight and I nearly cried with bliss, it was so delicious. I can't handle the food here anymore I think it will drive me insane. I miss my mom's leek and potato soup, I'd even take her crumby tendony chicken right about now. My roommate's family was here this week also and they fed me a homecooked dinner one night and I just about died.

At least when I'm missing Hillary when I'm home I can go for a drive in Rhonda and clear my head and blast my music, or wind down the streets of my town to the park, and hop out and smoke a cigarrette with my friend, or fall asleep in the green chair in the living room with my cat on my lap, watching the food network. But now I sound like my mother, which makes me even more miserable.

My roommate doesn't get back until tomorrow afternoon, so until then I am alone in this big old room. Loneliness is setting in.

I just hope Hillary knows how much I love her, and how much it meant to me that we could spend our one year anniversary together, and that we could start a new year together in Paris. As soon as I get home and we move into the apartment things will be absolutely blissful. I'm just hoping I don't feel this despondent for the next twenty-one days.

London, Paris and the Adventure of a Lifetime

What a city. Paris is beautiful! It's like London, only in French!

We stayed at the Best Western Nouvel Orleans, and if you're ever in town you should definitely check it out. The accomodations are small and cozy, but the beds are comfy and they have typical Parisian balconies overlooking the rues.

Showing Hillary around London made me so terribly happy. I do love London a lot, and I'm going to miss this town when I leave (in twenty-one days, can you believe it!), but I absolutely cannot wait to get home. I miss my cats and my puppy and my rabbits. I can see it now, I'm going to walk through the front door and be smothered by a big old blind kitty who is going to give me scratchy tongue kisses all over my face (especially my eyelids, because she's weird) and she is going to make me carry her 15 pound self around for an hour or so and when I finally get her to calm down and realise she isn't dreaming I'm going to be pounced upon by a slobbery dog, who is then going to make me carry her 40 pound self around for an hour or so. The rabbits won't slobber, pounce or smother, they will just see me and jump all around and give me those big rabbit eyes and silently ask me for yogurt chips. Buns will request that I give him a kiss on her twitchy nose and that I rub him between his eyes.

Gosh I'm such a sucker.

But back to London and Paris. London is a fun town, and it was awesome to be able to share it with my most favourite person in the world.

Paris is just amazing, and fortunately they have very effective public transportation. We saw the Eiffle Tower at night, all lit up and glowing. We went to the Louvre and saw the Mona Lisa, which was okay but I've seen better art since I've been here (and there are better Da Vinci's elsewhere).

Walking around Paris was by far the best part of the little trip. Walking through the streets and little cobbled alleyways, arm in arm or hand in hand. Notre Dam was impressive, but the little Sant Chappelle across the street was better (but not free). I hope to get back to Paris someday, and to get back to France someday as well, just like I hope to return to Spain and Barcelona, and Norway and Oslo.

We had dinner at this little Italian restaurant (if there is one Italian place in a 5 mile radius, I can find it simply by following my nose, trust), both nights. We had the same waiter both times, and he remembered our orders (and laughed when I got the same meal and said 'I'm not very adventurous'). On the second night we had our glasses of chianti, our still water, our pastas, and then our desserts (she had the fruit tiaramisu and I had this DELICIOUS sorbet with fresh fruit with CHAMPAGNE, ugh it was like I literally died and went to heaven). When they brought our dessert out the waiter comes over to the table and hands us to LARGE glasses of amaretto (and the two cups of tea we ordered, post dessert) and said "from us" with a smile. They totally knew it was our one year anniversary, and they made it so entirely special.

When we got back into London last evening, we were starving and exhausted, so I brought Hillary to Marleybone High Street, where all the cute little restaurants are (and the best gelato in London, if I didn't know better I'd swear I were Italian), but we were so hungry that our eyes were bigger than our stomachs and we barely ate any of our food. We stopped at a bar on the way home, after sharing a 1/2 bottle of red wine at dinner, and I had a double shot rum and coke and she had a double shot vodka cranberry and then we shared a pitcher of a drink called "purple rain" which is basically vodka and lemonade and anything else they feel like throwing in. We stumbled home in the rain, got ready for bed and passed out.

I got her to the airport today with 70 minutes to spare (they close the check-in for flights 60 minutes before departure, so we were sincerely hustling), held her hand and played with her soft brown hair the whole time. When we kissed goodbye while she was running to get to security I felt the biggest pang in my heart. I miss her so much, I miss home so much. It's like taking someone's heart and ripping it right out of their chest, and then sending it over 3,000 miles away.

But I'll only be here for another twenty-one days, and then I can go home and everything will be perfectly right with the world.

Hope everyone in the States had a very happy Thanksgiving!

Alt for Norge

It's 5:40 am here in London. The sun doesn't rise until 7:33 am, and (hopefully) Hillary will have been here for about 30 minutes by then. I leaving for Heathrow shortly to pick her up and bring her back to school with me, then going to my class then showing her around the city for the rest of the day (and letting her get some sleep and shower at some point).

Norway... was... AMAZING!! I always wanted to go to Norway, but it always looked a little too much like New Hampshire to me. But truly it is an absolutely beautiful country. Oslo is such a wonderful city, the architecture clearly has some very Eastern influences, the people are all so friendly and willing to help and it's easy to get around on public transportation or even just walking.

And it wasn't even that cold.

Our hostel was in the red light district, but it wasn't even that bad. There was a strip club a few doors down that we had to walk past every night, but everyone was friendly. Even the prostitutes on the corner were friendly. One night we saw someone passed out in the crosswalk right in front of the hostel, and promptly ran up to the hostel to watch his friends and passers-by get him into an ambulance. Practically no one goes out during the day in Norway, everyone waits until the sun sets (and it sets early in the winter) and then they go out and get pissed beyond recognition. We stayed away from the bars and the clubs, because Norwegians can get pretty wild when they've been drinking.

I've honestly never laughed so hard in my life. My stomach is literally in pain from laughing at my friends so much. There were seven of us, and we would go back to the hostel and sit in our room, which was this narrow hallway of a room with two bunk beds (we had two rooms all together) and just laugh and laugh for hours.

On Saturday, which was our only full day, we went to Vigeland Park, which is the statue park with the huge fallice. We got up early and it was a very crisp morning, but when we were there the sun was just coming up. The roses are still budding, some are even blooming, just like they are here, making me think maybe the flowers are just confused because of the bizarre summer weather we all had.

We saw Akershus, which is the old Castle and Fortress right in the middle of Oslo fjord. We watched the sunset from the battlements of Akershus, taking in the beauty of Norway. We also saw the Nobel Peace Center! It's so cool to be able to say that we've been there!

We went to the Oslo National Gallery and saw Edvard Munch's The Scream among many other very famous pieces. I believe that the National Gallery is the most robbed art museum in the world, and if you even breathed on a painting the wrong way an alarm went off. My friend actually TOUCHED a painting, because it was "shiny," like a fool, and the security guards came running like she was actually going to walk off with it.

Norway (particularly Oslo, and I'm guessing the other major cities like Bergen) is an extremely expensive country. It's one of the wealthiest countries in the world (who says socialism doesn't work?), and also one of the healthiest with one of the highest standards of living. They tax the hell out of you though, and don't even get me started on kroner. I nearly wept when I went to the ATM as soon as we got there and my options were anything between 500 and 2000 kroner (which is approximately 50 and 200 USD).


This is us, getting ready to leave Norway, taking our last picture in front of the Opera House


The inner view of the Viking Ship


A ship from The Viking Ship Museum


Oslo at Sunset


Sunset


Sunet over the docks


The Nobel Peace Center


In front of the Royal Palace


The Royal Palace


Vigeland statue Park


Being a creep


Angry dancing baby?


My obsession with flowers


And again

It was nice to see the country my father's father left behind. I hope I get to go back some day soon.

I may not be back here for a while (or I may be back every day, it depends on what we do). Hillary and I celebrate our one year anniversary this Friday, in Paris. We leave Thursday afternoon and return Saturday evening, then Hillary leaves back for the states on Sunday. If I drop off the face of the Earth for a week, have a great week, everyone out there!

My Girls

This song and video is addictive, consider yourself warned.

This evening was the street lighting for all the Christmas lights in London. We went to Oxford street, braving the throngs of humanity who would smoosh us rather than allow us room to breathe.

Jim Carrey was there, though, it was neat to see him. I don't think I've ever been that near to a celebrity before, or that I have a desire to be that near to one ever again hah. People are absolutely rapid.

The lights weren't very impressive, I was thinking they would be something like the Osborn Family Christmas Lights that go up every year at the Disney Studios in Disneyworld, which are absolutely amazing, but alas. It's really not even worth putting up pictures of it.

Today is Hillary's birthday! Happy birthday Billary, three weeks today and we'll be together in London :)

Eleven Months

We are in Madrid this lovely warm evening. It's been a very long day of traveling and touring and eventually eating, so now we are resting for the night.

Today is my eleven month anniversary with Hillary, and it is sad that we have to spend our anniversary apart.

However, we'll be together next month for our one year anniversary. We'll be in Paris then, it will be que romantico.

I can't believe it's been eleven months, it feels like just yesterday we were driving home from Ani, got hungry for Wendy's and spent the better part of an hour sitting in a dark parking lot eating and talking about life, silently telling each other that we couldn't put on this facade anymore.

Love happens and it knocks you right off your feet. It's the best, most stupifying feeling in the world, to be sure. Perhaps numbing is a better word for it. I don't know if I like the feeling of numbness, or fluttering about, but I do love being in love with a wonderful person and I am very glad that we found each other in this big scary world.

There is no one out there who would climb mountains with me on a whim, who would stand by my side from 3,000 miles away, who would so thoroughly entertain me while simultaneously captivating me. I fall in love with every pretty face I see, but I have never been so completely in love with not only a pretty face, but a wonderful mind and a beautiful soul.

Here's to Madrid and eleven months with Mogli.

Everyone Deserves a Chance to Fly

I saw Wicked the other day here in London Town.

It was absofreakinlutely phenomenal. I love love loved it. It made me kind of sad and nostalgic, though, because (although it was my first time seeing the musical) my friends from school and I (my best friends at school) would after get together at night and sit around and sing songs for Wicked. I remember sitting in my car, my baby Rhonda, blasting Defying Gravity, my friends all around me shouting the words and trying to keep up with Idina Menzel and just laughing and laughing and having a wonderful time just being together and being utterly silly.

I wish I weren't a grown up, almost constantly.

Yesterday we walked around Camden Market. The place reeks of incense, in fact the smell still lingers on the clothes I wore yesterday. Incense reminds me of high school, coming home after a long day and lighting a stick of incense and just relaxing.

Tomorrow I have to get up super early to meet my professor at the train to go to Cambridge for an out of class field trip. I like to sleep in on Fridays (or travel), but it will be nice to get outside of London for a bit.

Then next Friday we leave for Spain where we'll meet up with the Madre and have a wonderful time, to be sure. I'm excited to see my mom, I've missed her. I wish my sister and the kids could come visit, but I know that's impossible. I feel terrible that my baby niece will be five months old, almost six, by the time I get home; and about 10 days after I get home my oldest niece is turning seven! Where does the time go?

I also feel pretty bad that the thing I am looking forward to the most out of this whole trip is seeing Hillary. I've been trying to convince myself that I don't miss her, that I'm fine without her and that four months isn't that long to go, but it truly is. I can't wait for her to get here so I can show her how amazing London is, walk her along the lake at Hyde Park and take her into the little used book shops near the British Museum. I'm looking forward to Paris, too, eating good food (hopefully!) and drinking great wine. But mostly I'm excited to see Hillary, and I might not even care if we did anything the whole time that she is here (besides the fact that I want to show her around and for her to see as much as she possibly can in the short time that she is here).

It's strange, I never thought I'd be in love. I certainly never thought I'd find anyone like Hillary, she's perfect for me.

But no more of that mushy stuff. Hope everyone has a productive Friday and a wonderful weekend :)

A Week and Five Days!!

Finally some good weather! It took freakin long enough for it to get here, but it's here and it is glorious, but it is going away on Sunday so I'm hanging on to it with every fiber of my being.

We're going to... you guessed it... PTOWN! this weekend! I'm so excited. I love nowhere else on this Earth the way that I love Provincetown. I'm sure there will be pictures after the weekend.

Two weeks from today I'll be in London, and I will have been there for two days! It's so surreal... I can hardly believe that just a few months ago studying abroad was a fleeting thought and now all of a sudden it's here and it's real and my suitcases are empty and glaring at me from across the room (they're saying "Rachel, you really can't put off packing us much longer..."). I'm going to miss everyone from home so much, and all of my college friends. A lot of my friends are seniors this year and I'm missing one whole half of their senior year. I'm missing four months of my little kitten's young life. I'm missing my one year anniversary with Hillary, apartment hunting and quality time.

I'm not too concerned about missing our one year because Hill knows that I love her and that every moment we have together is a gift, months and years don't matter, rather the most important aspect is the amount of love and happiness that fills those months and years. I'll miss her sleep breathing and setting the alarm clock fifteen minutes later and pulling her in to my arms for just a little bit longer. I'll miss playing with her hair on car rides while she drives. I'll miss climbing mountains with her and visiting my nieces and nephew with her and going out to dinner and holding hands under the table and going to the movies and putting my arm around her and letting her head rest on my shoulder. I'll probably even miss arguing with her over trivial things, things I only pick fights about because I know in the end she will still love me, if I thought for a minute she would stop loving me I would never argue about anything. She's a one of a kind kinda girl, and this is a one of a kind kinda love.

I'll miss all my friends from home, but I always miss them anyways. Kate and Natasha are so wrapped up in school and their new lives that I hardly ever see them anyway. I feel kind of like they don't appreciate the fact that I'm going to be 3,000 miles away for nearly four months and that they won't see me or likely talk to me for that amount of time. But I supposed, at this stage in our lives, I'm really only of use to them when they're home from school (if I'm home from school at the same time). I'll send them a postcard or two, but they won't understand that I miss them and that I love them, because they don't miss me and I'd venture to say that they don't love me anymore. It's all growing up though, I s'pose.

Molly and Rob and Jaime are all different stories. Rob and Jaime work all the time, and it's difficult to coordinate hanging out with them. I do feel, though, that they miss me when I'm not around and that they love me and that they appreciate the distance and length of time I will be away. Molly is the one person out of all of my friends from home who I am sure will miss me and appreciates that I will be gone for a long time and that I will be virtually unreachable a great deal of the time. If I retain a relationship with any of these people, I believe Molly will be the one with whom I still have a strong relationship in the coming years, even when I move to MA.

I'll miss my family, even though I don't see them as often as I would like, at least I know that if I need anything they are a phone call away for the most part. I visited my grandmother on Nantucket last Friday, and even though my grandmother remembers me as a 13 year old, she does recognize me (although she is shocked that I am as tall as I am, since the last time she remembers seeing me I was in rollerblades and overalls, speeding around the parking lot in her retirement community), but it's incredibly depressing to have a member of your family with Alzheimers. I needed to see her, though, because the last time I saw her was Thanksgiving two years ago, and if she were to die while I was in London I would never forgive myself for not seeing her in two years.

My mother will be the one who misses me the most, I am sure. She likes to pretend that she is okay without me, and she is, but I know she misses me and my crazy antics and she will find it strange that I don't call her in the afternoons when I know she is headed home just so we can shoot the breeze for a few minutes. She'll have difficulty not driving to my school on Saturday afternoons to pick me up and take me out to dinner or to take the T in the Boston with me to go to a museum. She'll worry about me constantly until my feet are planted safely on the ground on December 20th at Logan. It makes me feel good to know that she cares, but at the same time I worry that I am the cause of her suddenly more grey hair.

I'll try to blog often while I'm in Europe, and I'll try to have significantly more pictures than I usually do. This is the chance of a lifetime, I'm so glad to have this wonderful opportunity and I can't wait to share my experiences with everyone!

A Visit From The Stork

The family reunion was this weekend, and it actually went very well. No major issues and everyone put on a happy face and avoided ripping heads off.

So on Friday I was packing my things to get ready for the weekend. We were scheduled to leave my house when Hillary got here from work (a 2 hour drive for her) and then be on our way, taking separate cars because there wasn't enough room in one car for everything. I get a phone call from Hillary half-way through the day saying that one of the feral cats at school (Hillary works at our college now) had kittens and the maintenance staff was giving them away. So I called my mother to see if we could bring one home, if and only if she could look after the kitten until January and we would bring the kitten to the apartment with us when I got back from London. The madre agreed, so Hillary went and got a kitten.

Possibly the worst mistake of our lives, though also the cutest investment ever. This was the tiniest kitten I had ever held. She is a calico, who loves to run around like a banshee and things fingers and toes are the coolest chew toys ever. We took her to the vet on Monday and they determined that she was between 6-8 weeks old, so the bottle we had been feeding her every 2-4 hours since Friday evening was unnecessary (she seemed to really enjoy the bottle though).

We didn't get very much sleep at all the first few nights with her in her pink rubbermade bin complete with blanket and catnip mouse. She wanted to be fed, then she wanted to play, then she wanted to go to the bathroom and then she wanted to sleep, but she wanted to sleep on our chests. So we took her to the vet and they determined her age and told us what we should be feeding her, so we started her on a wet food/formula combo in a bowl and she took to it pretty much right away. I put her in a litterbox that same day and she did her business in the litterbox immediately, she's so damn smart.

Little did we know that when the vets gave her the de-wormer (fearing that, since her mom was a feral cat, she would have worms and fleas and earmites) she would have explosive diarreah for two days straight. She actually didn't have worms, she was just bloated with a big baby belly, and she didn't have fleas or ear mites either. She got a clean bill of health and she is a perfectly healthy and happy little kitten.

At this point, she is eating dry food and loving it, drinking water by itself (finally!) and going in the litterbox to do her business instead of all over the cat carrier where she sleeps. Right now she is attacking my laptop. It'll be sad to leave her in September, just like it will be sad to leave my cat and my dog and my rabbits. Hopefully she will quickly be able to defend herself against my five cats, the dog loves cats and will probably just lick her and annoy the hell out of her.

In January, she can move into the apartment with Hillary and I and we can be a happy little family. The kitten, whose name is Julie Andrews (as my six year old niece exclaimed when I explained who Julie Andrews is: "Fraulein Maria!") will be spayed probably sometime in midwinter, she'll be an indoor cat and she'll never be declawed as long as I have a say in the matter because small animals need a way to defend themselves. Hopefully she'll be a good pest-hunter in the new apartment.

I (Don't) Wanna Be Sedated

So I went to the oral surgeon yesterday and we discussed my options:

Option 1: No surgery, but I have to have a full head X-ray every 2 years to make sure that nothing is infected and the tooth on the bottom left isn't hitting a major nerve.

Option 2: Have surgery, take a xanex prior to surgery (to "put me in a good place" as the Dr. put it), no food or non-clear liquids past midnight the night before, have nitrus oxide and novacane during surgery and intense pain killers after.

Option 3: Have surgery, have an IV, nitrus oxide and novacane.

Option 4: Have surgery, go to hospital and go completely under, monitored by an anesthesiologist.

I want option one, but after discussing it with mum and the oral surgeon we decided upon option 2. I told her I'm a psychology major and I am morally opposed to drugs like xanex (if I weren't I would be pre-med right now going into psychiatry) and she said she'd be more than willing to do the surgery with just novacane, but my mother seemed to think that was insane (and I'm inclined to think it is too) so we're getting the insurance quote with all of the bells and whistles.

My surgery date is December 22 at 9 am, two days after my return from London, two days before Christmas, and a week and two days before I move into the new apartment with Hillary. Hopefully I'll be able to con some of my friends in to helping us move into the new place because I have a feeling that, although I am going to put on a brave (albeit swollen) face, I am going to be borderline useless in moving heavy furniture or doing much besides complaining. Good times will surely be had by all this coming Christmas and New Years.


This is me holding my new baby niece for the first time *heart swells with joy.* I like to call it "Safe in Auntie Rachel's Pasty White Arms in the Dead of Summer," it has a real ring to it.


This is Hill holding the new baby for the first time :) loveee the gay shirt Hill. Should get a onesie for the new kid "I <3 my two Aunties" next time we're in P-Town.

And to give any of you who don't reside in New England (more specifically Connecticut and Massachusetts because I'm relatively unfamiliar with the weather patterns in the other N.E. states) an indication of what we've been dealing with lately in terms of weather, this is what mother nature was giving us while it was raining, right after it had stopped torentially downpouring, right after it had been a foggy evening, right after it had been a beautiful sunny skied afternoon right after it had been a misty overcast morning:


Let's hope for warmth and sun so Auntie Rachel can go swimming and start working on that farmer's tan. That sunset is very deceptive, though. Almost makes you want to like the place :P

The Weekend From Hell

This was truly the worst weekend of my life and the worst birthday of my entire life. Worse than my ninth birthday, which was a terrible one because my father had died the November before my birthday and he had promised me he would make it to my ninth birthday. But I'm not bitter.

So I was home Friday afternoon when my mother and Naveen came home from work. I had been having a pretty horrible day, mainly because I was just down in the dumps and really would have rather been left alone. So I was carrying my dog downstairs, because Naveen is afraid of dogs and Puppy would have jumped all over him, so I had my arms full and I didn't really say hello to anyone, just because I didn't really care too much.

So I did my stuff, fed the dog, changed my clothes because we were going out to a fancy dinner, and went back to the living room. Then Hillary pulled in to the driveway from her 2 hour drive to CT straight from work and I went out to greet her. I wasn't being especially friendly with her just because I was feeling not myself. So I went inside then Hillary went inside and then we went up to my room so we could change (I wanted to change my shirt for the 15,000th time) and my mother followed us up and began berating me for being "rude" to Naveen. She basically told me that the people at work are rude to him and he felt as though he didn't belong here and that he was unwelcome because of my attitude.

So I went downstairs and my mother was still yelling about it, even though I wasn't being disrespectful of Naveen I just wasn't being myself. When I got downstairs my mother put Naveen on the spot and made him basically tell me how he was feeling. So I got up and went outside for a thought. I was just sitting out there when my mother went outside and continued to bitch at me more. I told her to go to dinner without me.

Then Hillary was sent outside to retrieve me, and I told her I just wanted to sit there and to be left alone, that was all I wanted. So my mother went back outside and I could smell a fight so I told Hillary to make herself scarce. So my mom and I fought some more, and she went inside, but not before telling me that if I didn't go inside in 10 minutes, Hillary had to leave. So Hill went outside so tell me my mother was making her leave, and I said fine I'll go with you. So we went inside and started to pack up our things when my mother burst into my room and screamed at Hillary to "leave her house" and Hillary quickly escaped from my room with her things. My mother slammed the door behind her and I was trapped in my room. I tried to get passed my mother, and I eventually did but not before my mother had broken one of my fingernails in half causing me to bleed everywhere and had choked me so I had red marks all around my neck and I was gasping.

So I grabbed my asthma meds and ran outside to find Hill sobbing on the phone with her mother. We got in her car and drove to a parking lot where my best friend met us and we told her what was going on. Hillary's mom was adament that Hillary drive home immediately and leave me. So Hillary drove me home and she and Kate waited on a side street while I talked to my mother.

My mother apologized and realized what she did was incredibly wrong, too little too late but an apology is an apology. I called Hillary to try to get her to come and discuss things with my mother but she refused and promptly drove away.

At this point I was beside myself because I had no clue what I had done to deserve any of this. I met Hillary in a parking lot with Kate again and I begged her to just hear my mother out, but she refused and said that until my mother and I got help for our issues, we were threw. And she left me there, sobbing. When I needed her the most, she wasn't there for me. The most unforgiveable and devastating part of that night, my twentieth birthday, was that the person I love the most couldn't even be there when I needed her.

So I went home and curled up in a ball, on my twentieth birthday. I couldn't sleep at all that night, and then Hillary called me at four am. We talked and decided to meet at the Peace Abbey in Sherborn, MA (a little over two hour drive for me) at noon. So we did, and Hillary apologized for abandoning me when I needed her most. We made amends and decided we do love each other and we are willing to do whatever it takes to be together.

So we decided to go get some lunch, and we drove back to school where we would consolidate cars and continue on from there. I guess on the way to school Hillary called her mother and told her we had patched things up and everything was okay again when Hillary's mom said that I am not allowed at their house, she is not allowed at my house and if she finds out that we are seeing each other Hillary would be kicked out of their house. Hillary was obviously devastated.

So she went home and went to a friend's house for the night. She went back today and her mother gave her the same ultimatum (backed up by her father) and she decided to leave her home, to take her things, and to move in with a friend until January when she and I are supposed to move in together.

Where I am right now:
She is adament about my mother and I getting help to resolve or come closer to resolving our issues together. What Hillary will never understand is that my mother and I love each other very much, and we have many unresolved issues (as many child parent relationships tend to be).

At this point in my life, I am living under my mother's roof. I am leaving for London in September and when I come back I will be home for a week before I move in to my own apartment, where I will be living until or beyond graduate school. I will never be living in this house again. This house is a crazy environment for me and I dislike it very much here, but I love my mother more than oxygen. This house is no longer my home, it is simple where I was raised and where I have to stay if I want to remain financially afloat for the time being. My mother and I get along much better when we aren't under the same roof.

There is a lot of history between my mother and I, we have many unresolved issues regarding my father's death and a lot of issues regarding me growing up and fleeing the nest so to speak. Hillary seems to have no compassion for the fact that my mother is having a hard time dealing with everything right now.

But she is my mother and I love her and I will stand by her to the death.

I can find another girlfriend, I can find someone else to provide with love and affection and happiness, but I can never find another mother. She is mine and she is all I have in this world.

I will not be told what to do and I will not be handed ultimatums or bullied into making decisions. That may work for Hillary's mother but it does not work for me and it does not work on me. I am my own woman, and so is my mother.

And so I am here, heartbroken, because the whole world is seemingly against me and I did nothing to deserve the treatment I received this weekend. I really truly wish that I could curl up in a ball and just be left alone and never have to face any of this mess that I did nothing to deserve.

Perhaps I'm not cut out for this. I suppose only time will tell. But until time tells, I am here, and I am devastated and alone and lost. If there is ever a time I needed to get down on my knees and pray for an answer, it is now.

I am far more realistic than Hillary's mother in that I know that bad things happen, and sometimes for no reason, but that life always goes on and forgiveness makes the heart so much healthier than to harp away and continue to be angry. I'm not angry anymore.

On Such A Timeless Flight

Hillary graduated from college in mid-May. Such a scary thought... graduating from college...

I guess (at least in the academic world) we live in a world where every four years there is a change over, a shift of everything we once knew. At five or so we enter kindergarten. My public school system puts the fifth through eight graders together in the middle schools. Nine through twelve is in one building, and then if you continue to pursue academia you are stuck in higher-ed for four years and then...

Well then I suppose it's up to you. I can't even imagine how it must feel to be graduating from college in a recession. Hillary has to worry about health insurance, paying for her car, paying off student loans and feeding herself all in the same thought. I'm nervous just thinking about it.

But I know she can do it, and I know all of the graduates can do it. It will take a lot of strength, maybe a few tears shed and a few days filled with worry and "what-ifs" but what days aren't filled with a bit of worry and uncertainty? Uncertainty is what makes the world go round, lest we would be completely certain of the future and therefore we would sink into complacency.

I worry a bit for Hillary, and a bit for myself frankly because in two years time I will either have to continue on my educational pursuits or find a job with benefits and start to pay off the cost of breathing.

I know she will be okay, I just know it.

Congratulations Hill! I'm so proud of you and so glad that you believe in yourself, because if you believe in yourself you truly can achieve anything.


Hill and a pal from lacrosse, big bad college grads

Newport Folk Festival 50!! Oh, and six months :)

Imagine, if you will, the most ear piercing, high pitched squeel of glee you can possibly imagine. That's the story of my life right now. I got an email saying I can get discounted tickets to the Newport Folk Festival, the first weekend in August, where JOAN BAEZ WILL BE PLAYING *insert another shriek*.

I just... I think I may have died when I read that Joan Baez, Pete Seeger AND Judy Collins will all be there. Just thinking about it gives me palpitations. I'm totally going, whether I go by myself or with other human beings. Probably the closest I'll ever get to utter, pure bliss in my whole life.

Oh, and today is my six month monthaversary with Hillary, heres to many more monthaversaries to come :)


Those are our serious faces... for serious.

Because I'm Mushy Now (yuck), Couples Meme

Found this on my friend's page on Facebook, thought it looked interesting. Also, my boredom at being home has to be utterly apparent by now.

♥ Who asked who out first?
Well, we decided we were dating on November 27, but we had effectively been together for like a week or two prior to Thanksgiving. I guess since I was the forward one I asked her out, but I'm definitely not the kind of person to ask someone else out, I like to try to convince myself that I'm tough and not getting attached :P

♥ How old are each of you?
19, almost 20 (me) and 21, 22 in the fall (Hill).

♥ Whose siblings do you see the most?
I guess that'd be my sister, since we hang out at her house and play with the kids from time to time. Hill has three older half siblings, two of whom she doesn't speak to and one whom she is very close with, but I have yet to meet him on account of her parents told her she shouldn't "come out" to the family (besides them) yet.

♥ Who gets embarrassed more easily?
Hillary is super klutzy (example: we went out to breakfast with her parents and her roommate a few weeks ago and Hillary shook her bottle of iced tea... after she had already removed the cap. Got iced tea all over herself, it was brilliant.)

♥ Which one likes to go shopping more?
We both like to shop, but I think I'm more wasteful when it comes to money. We go grocery shopping together a lot, raspberry sorbet :)

♥ Are there wedding bells in the future?
Ummm... Well I'm 19... I know it's cliche and probably sending up red flags with anyone who reads this... but I do love her a great deal and I can see myself spending the rest of my days holding her hand, missing her when she's not around, eating raspberry sorbet (50% sorbet, 50% whipped cream) at midnight, going to the Peace Abbey on our days off, blah blah blah mushy stuff. But definitely NOT before I graduate from undergrad, and probably not until I at least have my LMHC.

♥ Do you have any children together?
Yes... her name is Alycia... :P

♥ What about pets?
That's my department. When Hillary sleeps over she has to fight off Kitty for a spot at my side (at least when she sleeps over I make the dog sleep outside of my room... or else Hillary would probably be sleeping at the foot of the bed). At the moment I have five cats (my beloved Kitty is the only one I really care about, but I'm pretty fond of Baby too, she was my first kitten), one dog (her name is Puppy, she is eightish, and I've determined that she has ADHD), and two bunnies (Buns, the gentlest soul I've ever known and Russel, the least gentle soul I've ever known). When we get the apartment in 2010 we're planning on getting some type of animal (I've been forbidden from bringing Kitty or Puppy, and Buns is too old and Russel is too much of a handful) because I can't function without animals.

♥ Did you go to the same school?
We went to the same school, I s'pose, now that Hill is a big bad college graduate.

♥ Are you from the same home town?
No, Hillary comes from East Jesus Nowhere, MA and I'm from a suburb of Hartford, CT. About a two hour drive if traffic is cooperating.

♥ Who is the smartest?
Well, Hill graduated cum laude and she was in three honor societies. We're both very intelligent human beings, but I don't often use "intelligent" and "smart" in the same thought, because I personally feel that intelligence is more important than whether or not one is "smart." Smart is subjective, intelligence is lived.

♥ Who is the most sensitive?
Me, totally totally totally. I give off the tough guy facade but I get all weepy about... well... pretty much everything.

♥ Where do you eat out most as a couple?
I'm disgusting, I know, but this question is just so hilarious to me that I can't answer it. It's just too priceless.

♥ Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Florida to Disney over spring break '09. We drive long distances a lot, like when we went to Maine to see Brandi Carlile and when we went to P-Town in late April.

♥ Who has the worst temper?
Me, unfortunately. But we fight because we love each other and we spend a lot of time together (actually, a lot of it had to do with the fact that I am leaving for London in the fall and we're not going to be together for a long period of time until January). We get along very well though, and the "worst temper" isn't really that bad at all in this case.

♥ Who is more social?
Hillary is. I'm reserved (see shy) and quiet whereas Hillary lights up an entire room when she enters. She just has one of those personalities that draws people to her.

♥ Which one is more optimistic?
We're both very optimistic, perhaps too optimistic for our own good (perhaps that statement in and of itself is a sign of pessimism?).

♥Who is the neat freak?
I have OCD when it comes to things like bed sheets (I tend to have a meltdown if the sheets aren't up to military standards), the arrangement of the clutter on my desk, etc. which doesn't qualify me as a neat freak, but it does make me a freak. Hill, on the other hand, likes to keep things neat and tidy, but not overly so.

♥ Who is the more stubborn?
Me. Le sigh.

♥ Who wakes up earlier?
Well now that Hillary has a big girl job (with her own cubicle!) she has to get up at 6 am in order to leave the house by 7 to make the 2 hour commute. However, during the academic year I am in the habit of getting up an hour and a half before my first class (usually that means getting up around 7:30-8:00), something Hillary was appalled by when we first started sleeping over each others' dorms.

♥ Where was your first date?
The Peace Abbey :) We're old hippies at heart.

♥ Who has the bigger family?
Me in the regard that I still talk to and regularly see most of my extended family. However, my immediate family is just me and mum, whereas Hill has two parents.

♥ Do you get flowers often?
I don't think I've gotten flowers... except for Valentines Day when Hill cooked me dinner and I got to keep the flowers that she used in the table setting. I give her flowers pretty regularly (sunflowers, and live flowers because I feel like giving dead flowers is purposeless). Hill knows I have enough flowers to care for (the garden is going to be so pretty this year!).

♥ How do you spend the Holidays?
Which holidays are we talking here? I suppose when I get home from London, since the plan is we will be living together, we'll probably be holidaying together also.

♥ Who is more jealous?
It's a pretty even mix. I'm a little jealous of people from her past (I also revel in the fact that she chose me and she wants to be with me, I win), however Hillary is jealous of some of my friends (straight girls who like to flirt with gay girls... aka gay girls) because they like to make her jealous (and always succeed).

♥ Who sleeps more?
Not sure, maybe me? I dunno. Hill would sleep like a cat if she could though.

♥ Who eats more?
We both came to the conclusion that we were meant to be because we absolutely LOVE food, so I'd say it's probably about even.

♥ Who does the laundry?
Depends who has money on their laundry card when we need to do laundry. I find laundry to be very therapeutic (because I'm deranged. I also enjoy dishwashing, seriously. I should have been a housewife) so I do the laundry whenever I get the chance.

♥ Who’s better with the computer?
Probably me because I have a lot more patience than Hillary does. She'd probably throw it out the window or have a meltdown before she stopped to figure the problem out.

♥ How long have you been together?
Six months tomorrow :) but I've known her for almost two years. She's my best pal, my confidant, my strength when I need it. I truly believe that, if she isn't the one, she is the greatest friend I'll have ever found on this earth.

Schools (Not) Out for Summer

Today was my first day of my summer statistics course, and it actually went very well. It's two hours a day, four days a week, for a month. Not bad, not bad at all.

If I want to graduate in May 2011 I need to finish the statistics course that I already started. It's kind of a long and convoluted story, so I'll give you the brief version. And please, don't judge me because I know that a lot of students use the excuse that the professor is bitch or the professor hates them, and in this case both of those things are true and did happen to me. It's not an excuse at all, it's simply a fact.

I took AP statistics during my senior year in high school. Now, to get into an AP course you need permission from previous teachers, often you need to take an entrance exam, and you need to have taken all of the pre-requs. I did fairly well in AP stats, but I didn't score high enough on the AP Stats Exam for it to count as my statistics requirement for my college. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, because I need stats for my psychology major and a lot of the research aspects of psychology draw heavily from statistics. Anywho, moving on.

I took Stats I Fall 2008, and did fairly miserably (but well enough to move on to Stats II). I got As on all of the exams (all 3 of them), did the homework assignments, etc. but absolutely bombed the final (which speaks volumes for my ability of lackthereof to take finals). Such is life, so I moved on to Stats II.

As it turns out, the professor got the impression that I was, more or less, taking up space and air in her classroom and proceeded to ignore me (when she would address psychology majors, of which there were only 2, myself included, in a class of about 15, she would purposely not address me), to take points off of exams and assignments for arbitrary reasons (I didn't "word" an answer to her liking so she would take an automatic 20 points off my exam, when my answer was similar to the answers of other students and my math was completely correct).

So I sent her an email and basically told her how I was feeling, that I felt like I was being treated unfairly and also that I felt that my situation was hopeless. She emailed me back and confirmed that she did think I was "unresponsive" in class (she cited some occasions during first semester when my eyelids would get heavy and I would look like I wasn't paying attention, for example THE DAY AFTER OBAMA WAS ELECTED sdf;ldhrewnc;welfdsfsdlf) and that she was sorry that I took it to heart.

So I emailed my advisor, at this point we had taken 3 of 4 exams (not including the final) and asked her what I should do, seeing as my situation was borderline hopeless. I had a 100 on the first test and a 50-something on the second test and a 50-something on the third test but I hadn't done the makeup test yet so the grade might have changed. My advisor informed me that it was the last day to drop the class, that she was out for the day but she has informed the psych department, my class advisor, the student success center and registrar to be looking for me (basically it was her suggestion that I drop the class immediately).

So I scrambled around, crying because I felt like a failure, and got the drop class form signed thanks to the speedy work and kindness of the staff at my school, no thanks to my c*nt of a professor.

I'm taking the second section of statistics at a university near where I live, totally different scene than I'm accustomed to but I'll get over it (I go to a college in the woods, 12 miles out of Boston, where I know all of my classmates names/majors and probably what kind of trouble they were getting in to last night, I don't know anyone in my class in CT and none of them know me... ahh the freedom of anonimity). At least my professor doesn't hate me yet, so maybe he'll grade me fairly and impartially and I'll be treated with respect this time. For the most part, though, this class will be a review for me because I've now taken statistics for almost 2 full years, and I basically know it like the back of my hand by now but now is my chance to prove that I know it, I can do the math, and I can give the professor what he wants (because he doesn't overtly disdain me).

So that's where I am today, and tomorrow, and the next day, and every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday until June 25. I at least have some things to look forward to, like Hillary's grad party this weekend (Hill graduated from college May 17, poor dear), Hillary visiting next weekend, my 20th birthday (oh my GAWD) June 12, me visiting Hill the following weekend, my baby niece is predicted to be born the first weekend in July (here's hoping for July 4!) and so on and so forth until I get on a plane bound for London on September 2. Should be a good summer :)

Valentine's Day

Since Valentine's Day happened to fall on the long weekend this year, and I had big plans for Saturday, I decided Hillary and I would go home to Connecticut for the weekend. So right now I'm sitting in my green chair in my living room after having held my rabbit and played with my dog. I miss those things so much at school, it's going to be heartbreaking to leave tomorrow. But I'll start from the beginning of the weekend, it's mainly adorable so if you don't appreciate adorable things you should avert your eyes.

Friday night Hillary called me to come over to her dorm around 5, as she was making me dinner and she was lonely in the kitchen all by herself. But I was explicitly told to not go into her room. So we hung out in the kitchen while she cooked me my Valentine's dinner (which was a surprise up until that point). Now, Hillary is no cook mind you, so this was a HUGE deal. She made pasta alfredo with chicken, and the alfredo sauce was home made (by Hillary!). She did an amazing job and it was probably the best pasta alfredo I've had in my entire life, without exaggeration.

Then we hung out and nursed our food babies for about an hour and Hillary went to the fridge and brought out a plate full of strawberries dipped in chocolate that she had made a few hours earlier. It was so sweet because when we go grocery shopping she knows that I immediately go to the berries and get strawberries and raspberries (my absolute fave!). She told me she almost got raspberries to dip in the chocolate but that she was advised that they wouldn't be conducive to being covered in chocolate. It was so cute, and they were absolutely amazing, and it was especially appreciated because Hillary doesn't eat chocolate (it makes her sick or something or she is revolted by it, I dunno she's just weird) so she made them entirely for me.



We spent the rest of the evening watching Chocolat, which was SUPERB! We loved that movie and definitely recommend it.

Saturday morning we got up early and drove to the destination of my part of the Valentine's Day planning. Over Thanksgiving when I told Hillary I was going to the National Zoo she told me that she loves zoos but she hadn't been to one in a very long time. I love zoos and the Roger Williams Zoo in Providence is probably my favourite zoo ever (for sentimental reasons). I hadn't been there in a year or two (my parents had been taking me to that zoo basically from birth) and I figured she would enjoy it too. So I took her to the zoo, which was about an hour from school and two hours from home, and we had an fantastic time. A baby giraffe was born there in late December, so the little guy was still very little and sooo cute.



And we saw the gibbons, who I always sort of gravitate too every time I go to Roger Williams. They had a jouvenile male who was so active, such a crazy. He kept running up to his dad and hitting him and trying to get him to play, but dad was having none of it. I got a really good picture of the boy and his dad together.



After we were done at the zoo we went to the merry-go-round in the park. There was basically no one there, and a ride on the merry-go-round only cost a dollar. It was a lot of fun, we really enjoyed ourselves and it was by far the best Valentine's Day I've ever had.



We had dinner at Cracker Barrel and took the long drive home. When we got home we hung out with my mother and Naveen for the rest of the evening, playing Monopoly and drinking. Eventually we stopped playing and started chatting and we talked until 2 am. We talked about everything from our uncertainty over the fate of our college, the economy, the inequities between the genders, etc. We finally went to bed after a fun filled two days of awesome, and were woken up this morning to cinnabuns and tea because my mother loves us dearly.

I really love Hillary. I love her because she's sitting in the same room with me right now, on her lap top, and we can be contented to just do our own thing for a little while. I love her because she sneaks up behind me when I'm brushing my hair and wraps her arms around me. I love her because she lets me sleep in while she showers (and doesn't hold it against me when I tell her I'm just going to be that kid who doesn't bother to shower). She's the best, and like I told her last night, she's my best friend and such a great love. I'm so happy.

Running

I don't like to run very much (which makes me wonder why I love lacrosse so much, you never stop running in that sport), but I like to work out, ride the bike for half an hour, do the rowing machine, leg presses and lifting. I get very stressed out when I'm home because I don't have a gym readily accessible, I have nowhere to just escape to. Sure I escape in my music, but it's so much easier to be physically active and release your energy that way than to release it through music. (I'm on a sort of... creative hiatus, so to speak. It hurts to be creative, more than helps. I have been in a funk when it comes to music ever since George died almost two years ago. Just something not right about the feel of the bow on those strings or the low cries of the violin these days). So I run up and down the stairs, do leg lifts and crunches and push ups until I can't do any more. The gym is a place where I can escape for an hour or so a day at school. There's no school work, no distractions, just sweat and my ipod and breathing in and out.

I feel like I've been running a lot lately, and I'm pretty exhausted from it all. I'm running from how afraid I am of the future, of even what tomorrow will bring. I had this, this really weird epiphany. I'm so close to the future that I've always wanted. Maybe not so close, but close none the less. Closer than I was a year ago, two years ago, a decade ago. I didn't even know where I was going with my life a year ago, and I might not still, but I have a better idea now and I'm so on the right track and I'm going to get there and it just feels so... scary. I'm scared because it's all going to happen, it has to happen and I believe in it.

I run from responsibility a lot, as much as I might like to deny that, I do. Sure, I take responsibility for my actions, but if I don't have to act, I won't. There has never been a driving force in my life before telling me that I have to do something or else my dreams won't come true (never might be too strong of a word there, after all there is always that driving force telling you to inhale and exhale or else your dreams will certainly not come true).

It's not just running from responsibility. It's running to keep going, to get to the next square. Going through the motions and then some, only resting when fatigue sets in and then running more. It gets exhausting after a while. Hours of classes, hours of work and papers, meals only when readily available and next to free, tea and cheap wine, lacrosse, work for five or six hours every week, volunteering when they need me, running clubs, giving giving giving and never receiving. It's why I love Hillary so much, I think, because finally after all these years of giving to my education, to my friends, to my family, to work and music and sports and life in general, there is another human being out there who doesn't need to be in my life, but who chooses to be there, and who loves me and wants my happiness and has a vested interest in my being sane at the end of each day. I don't feel like I have to run when I'm with her, I feel safe from the past, present and future. The grade police aren't going to get me, my coach isn't going to hunt me down and make me run suicides, I won't have to play my violin in a concert that truly doesn't need me, I don't need to do anything or be anyone who I'm not. I can just be me.

The future is such a scary place sometimes. But I'm so looking forward to getting there, and being able to stop running from all the things that have forced me on this treadmill all my life. Someday, I'm going to graduate from college, go to graduate school, get my masters in clinical psychology, get into a doctoral program and get my PhD, and until then I am work and live and be happy and healthy and keep running because I can almost taste the sweetness of accomplishment. I'm at the edge of something big here, and some day all of my dreams are going to come true and maybe then I can finally stop running and rest.

Back on Planet Earth

I feel like I dropped off the face of the Earth for a while there. My friends may or may not agree with me, that's a matter of opinion I s'pose.

Disney at Christmas is fabulous, if you ever have the chance or the desire, definitely go at that time of year. It's so beautiful, and the decorations are lovely. The only two things I regret about being in Disney for Christmas: Not being in church for Christmas eve/morning (particularly because this is my pastor's last Christmas with our church) and also the fact that none of the guests of Disney seem to comprehend the joy of the season. Everyone is still as pushy and blood thirsty as ever down in the good old Mouse's House. They'd knock you over as soon as look at you if they thought you would get on a ride even just a person before them, or get a better vantage point for the fireworks. Christmas spirit indeed, and all good Christians I'm sure. Disney brings out the worst in people, I swear, myself included. I don't mind tripping people who look at my family wrong, and I'll get into a screaming match with you if you hit me one more time with your stroller or your wheelchair cause you're too incompetent to be pushing it. Which, by the by, DID happen. My disabled aunt and my disabled mother were walking in front of a person in a wheelchair, who didn't need the wheelchair but who was too lazy to be bothered with walking. I saw that the person pushing the wheelchair was not paying attention so I put myself in between my aunt and my mother and the wheelchair and braced myself and wham, she slammed right into me. Wheelchairs are not designed to hit people (like they design the strollers in the parks these days because they know parents are the worst when it comes to paying attention to where the hell they are going) so I had a deep cut on the back of my calf, but I didn't want her hitting either my aunt of my mother, because then they would have been out of commission for the rest of the trip and I would have been in jail awaiting trial for causing bodily harm to the chick pushing the wheelchair. So I turned around and told her to watch where she was going, as she apologized profusely, which I appreciated, but it still did not make the blood stop trickling down my leg or my limping onwards any less noticeable. Anywho, Disney has its ups and downs. You just have to put on a brave face and go with it if you really love it, as I do.

So Christmas was nice, but not normal. I'm all about normalcy so it threw me off a bit, but we had Christmas morning complete with presents, cinnebuns and being in your pajamas until 1 pm the first morning back. Hillary was with us from the day we got back until New Years Day, and then I drove her home and I stayed at her house from New Years Day until yesterday. We went to the aquarium in Mystic (Hill assured me it was much cooler than the New England Aquarium, which I've never been to, but I can't fathom anything in Connecticut being cooler than anything in Massachusetts), did the whole New Year's Eve thing (which at one point in time meant going to New York City to see the ball drop, but was quickly vetoed, and the end result was staying home with my friends and baking cookies and watching movies all night) and went out to dinner with the madre on our way back to Massachusetts. My mom really likes her, which is awesome cause I really like her. She's still convinced that this is a phase ("no one wants to date a 19 year old boy") but I think she is at least happy that I am very happy, and I'm eternally grateful to her that she let Hillary stay with us and let me go spend time with her in her neck of the woods.

When we were in MA we went to Northampton and saw Milk, which was really good, but I feel like it was lacking something maybe? It was more of a political movie than a gay rights movie, I feel. It just chronicled the political process and the trials and tribulations of being in the political spotlight. I wasn't disappointed in it, but generally I like movies with more... suspense. I'm realistic enough to know that everybody knows Harvey Milk was killed, so there could be no suspense there. Maybe this just wasn't my kind of movie, I dunno. Hillary liked it though. She cried at the end, it was cute, and I made fun of her for it for hours (I'm the best). We visited with her friends and family and played scrabble and watched movies and it was very nice and very relaxing. Her mom was talking about needing the roof to be done and stuff and I mentioned reshingling the house and she totally did not believe that I can do it, which only makes me want to do it more so reshingling the house has moved up to the number one spot on things to do this summer (well, number one behind finding a kick ass job).

So now I'm back home in CT, enjoying my break but looking forward to getting back to school. I did well in my grades last semester, though I could have done better but it was a tough semester and it's over and I'm glad. Lacrosse will start oh so very soon, so I need to seriously get to the gym every single day. I had a dream my problem with my knee caps came back and I was in excruciating pain every time we ran again and it was terrible (my problem with my knee caps will never go away, it just comes and goes sort of). I'm looking forward to getting back into the swing of things cause all this suspense is killing me.

Hope everyone had a very merry Christmas and a safe and happy New Year!

Secret Santa

Tonight was secret santa with my friends from home! It was a lot of fun, we made way too much food (and also consumed way too much), opened presents, ate more food, and then sat around and did nothing (which is what we do best). I had my friend Jaime and I got her a Wall-E thingy that you build which she loved, and some cello music (because I know Jaime and Sarah through orchestra in high school and I played in the orchestra with Natasha in middle school and Kate and I played in the same orchestra together from basically birth until high school graduation). Kate had me and she got me a nerf crossbow (to add to my collection mwahaha) and play-dough, because she knows that when I am taking final exams I would much rather just be playing with playdough, and she loves me dearly and I love her for it.

Natasha and Rob had to point out the fact that people from Connecticut have an accent (WHICH WE TOTALLY DO NOT! you can't fool me), at which point in time I dropped a delicious cookie that Molly made right out of my mouth in shock and horror. Hilarity ensued.

My doctor is concerned that I have high blood pressure. But honestly, maybe my blood pressure is a little higher than usual because it's now been six days since I've been home and I am already ready to go back, finals were stressful as all hell this semester, and only two minutes before we pulled into the doctor's office parking lot she and I were having a rather stress inducing conversation about Hillary coming to CT to spend some time with me over the break. I wanted to be like "sir ma'am sir ma'am, I lead a stressful life. Get back to me in a week when I have seen the mouse and I am all in my happy place." So that's that, I have to go back when I get back from Sunny Florida and get my bloodpressure taken. I'm nineteen, I'm active, I'm always doing something (except when I'm home), I eat healthy, I exercise every day. And I'm nine fucking teen. Gosh maybe something is wrong with me. I don't feel like I am super stressed out all the time, but maybe I am, and I just don't want to admit it to myself. Well whatever, it is what it is. I've felt myself slowly developing a Type A personality over the years. I just need to chill.

So the madre and I talked about Hillary coming to visit when we get back from Florida. Well, basically the conversation went something like this:
Car silence
Me: "So... do you want to hear about my life, or are you happy with things the way they are?"
Madre: "What do you mean?"
Me: "I mean, do you want to hear about my 'romantic life'?"
Madre: "I figured if you wanted me to know, you'd tell me."
Me: "Oh. I figured if you wanted to know, you'd ask. So do you want me to tell you about the girl I'm seeing?"
Madre: "Well I assumed it was your friend Alycia"
At which point I would have spit anything out if I had been eating or drinking, but luckily I was not so it just came out in a series of cackles and wheezes
Me: "Oh my gosh no, I'm dating Hillary."
Madre: "Oh... so what do I call her? What's the politically correct term?"
Me: "Girlfriend is fine. She wants to come down when we get back from Disney, is that alright? And she wants me to go spend some time with her up in Massachusetts."
Madre: "Oh that's fine, she can come here and you can go there. I guess.. I don't know I'm just confused. Where will you two sleep? I had to sleep in a separate room from your father whenever he spent the night at my house or I spent the night at his parents' house."
Me: "That's up to you, but ma, honestly, I'm not planning on marrying her. I'm nineteen."
Madre: "Ohhhh... right."

It was kind of an hilarious conversation for me, but at the same time nerve wracking because she and I don't talk about things like that. And it was good for the two of us to just talk, freely. And now she knows, and I am very relieved, and I am also very happy that I'll be getting to spend some time with Hill when I get back from Disney. The madre still thinks this is a phase and that "no one would want to date a nineteen year old boy" (which I completely agree with, but that's besides the point), but she is okay with it. And she promised me that she will be there if and when I get a broken heart, no matter who breaks my heart. And I LOVE HER SO MUCH for that.

This is turning out to be a fabulous Christmas!

Commence Winter Break

Today was move out day, the official end of Fall Semester '08. Next stop, Spring '09! It's very bittersweet, because I've wanted to be home so badly for so long, to be with the animals and spend time with the madre and my friends. But I have a life at school, I have friends who I will miss dearly and who I can't call up at any given time and tell them to meet me at the starbucks in the centre of town. I have a girlfriend who I won't see for several weeks, if not a month, because she lives close to three hours away. I'm very torn in different directions.

Alls I know is, I'M GOING TO DISNEY NEXT WEEK FOR CHRISTMAS! We're taking the madre's friend from India and meeting my aunt and uncle down there and spending 5 days there around the holiday. I love Christmas in Disney. If there is any place I'd like to be to celebrate anything, it's Disney World. Except, I like celebrating the birth of Christ at Church, and I'm sad I'll be missing it this year because it's my pastor's last year here, but Disney will be nice.

This time last year the entire family was gathering itself together and meeting down in Disney (at the beginning on January, not over Christmas, that would have been chaos) for the 10 year anniversary of my father's death, and a super huge celebration of his life. His grandchildren were there, his daughters were there, his wife and former wife was there, his nieces and nephews and their children, his brothers and sisters in law. It was epic. I miss those days.

I feel like I have two lives, two lives which converge every so often, but for the most part remain in their separate spheres. It's a strange feeling, but I'm going to miss it when it's gone.

So now I'm home, in CT, pondering my naval and doing nothing but job hunting, going to Disney, and missing my absent friends, and missing Hillary even though it's only been a few hours since we said goodbye. But, I am LOVING the fact that I don't have to deal with statistics or research methods for a whole month. Absolutely loving it.