Running

I don't like to run very much (which makes me wonder why I love lacrosse so much, you never stop running in that sport), but I like to work out, ride the bike for half an hour, do the rowing machine, leg presses and lifting. I get very stressed out when I'm home because I don't have a gym readily accessible, I have nowhere to just escape to. Sure I escape in my music, but it's so much easier to be physically active and release your energy that way than to release it through music. (I'm on a sort of... creative hiatus, so to speak. It hurts to be creative, more than helps. I have been in a funk when it comes to music ever since George died almost two years ago. Just something not right about the feel of the bow on those strings or the low cries of the violin these days). So I run up and down the stairs, do leg lifts and crunches and push ups until I can't do any more. The gym is a place where I can escape for an hour or so a day at school. There's no school work, no distractions, just sweat and my ipod and breathing in and out.

I feel like I've been running a lot lately, and I'm pretty exhausted from it all. I'm running from how afraid I am of the future, of even what tomorrow will bring. I had this, this really weird epiphany. I'm so close to the future that I've always wanted. Maybe not so close, but close none the less. Closer than I was a year ago, two years ago, a decade ago. I didn't even know where I was going with my life a year ago, and I might not still, but I have a better idea now and I'm so on the right track and I'm going to get there and it just feels so... scary. I'm scared because it's all going to happen, it has to happen and I believe in it.

I run from responsibility a lot, as much as I might like to deny that, I do. Sure, I take responsibility for my actions, but if I don't have to act, I won't. There has never been a driving force in my life before telling me that I have to do something or else my dreams won't come true (never might be too strong of a word there, after all there is always that driving force telling you to inhale and exhale or else your dreams will certainly not come true).

It's not just running from responsibility. It's running to keep going, to get to the next square. Going through the motions and then some, only resting when fatigue sets in and then running more. It gets exhausting after a while. Hours of classes, hours of work and papers, meals only when readily available and next to free, tea and cheap wine, lacrosse, work for five or six hours every week, volunteering when they need me, running clubs, giving giving giving and never receiving. It's why I love Hillary so much, I think, because finally after all these years of giving to my education, to my friends, to my family, to work and music and sports and life in general, there is another human being out there who doesn't need to be in my life, but who chooses to be there, and who loves me and wants my happiness and has a vested interest in my being sane at the end of each day. I don't feel like I have to run when I'm with her, I feel safe from the past, present and future. The grade police aren't going to get me, my coach isn't going to hunt me down and make me run suicides, I won't have to play my violin in a concert that truly doesn't need me, I don't need to do anything or be anyone who I'm not. I can just be me.

The future is such a scary place sometimes. But I'm so looking forward to getting there, and being able to stop running from all the things that have forced me on this treadmill all my life. Someday, I'm going to graduate from college, go to graduate school, get my masters in clinical psychology, get into a doctoral program and get my PhD, and until then I am work and live and be happy and healthy and keep running because I can almost taste the sweetness of accomplishment. I'm at the edge of something big here, and some day all of my dreams are going to come true and maybe then I can finally stop running and rest.

Bette Davis

I met my lacrosse coach today, and he's actually a really nice guy. We had a table at the "club fair" aka mosey through if you want, and be rude to the people who are whoring their clubs to you, but it was actually fun. We got a few girls interested in it, and there are more coming. It should be a successful season. We play this Friday at 2 pm, and I am SO EXCITED! I haven't played since June, so I'll probably be pretty bad, but I'm super excited because there are boys playing too, which means we can hit each other and stuff. I AM SO EXCITED! I knock people around in girls lax, but if a ref sees me it's trouble. The boys, per usual, get to have all the fun.

I also went to instrumental tonight, and played my violin for the first time in four months. My wrist is killing me right now but otherwise it feels wonderful to be making music again. I tore a ligament in my left wrist last year and it acts up every now and then, particularly when I play my instruments. The violin isn't very conducive to having your wrist resting in a natural position.

The visit with the madre went very well. We went to the macaroni grill, and I didn't eat for a day afterwards because I was still full (the woman knows how to feed me). We also discussed my getting another tattoo.

She was with me when I got my first tattoo, and completely supported it. I have a treble-clef on my mid-upper back in the centre, as a memorial to my music teacher who died during my senior year in high school. It seemed inappropriate that I got a memorial tattoo to my music teacher (who I love dearly and who changed my life) but not to my father. I think it was a lot easier to come up with a meaningful tattoo idea for George, but it's difficult to find the perfect one for Daddy.

So I discussed it with the madre, and she thinks it's brilliant. She suggested a hummingbird, a butterfly, and a rainbow. So I'm going to try to incorporate those things together? Somehow? I don't really like the idea of a hummingbird or a butterfly cause those things are too girly, but Daddy was fond of hummingbirds.

She suggested a rainbow because my father's best friend was gay and died of AIDS (something she neglected to tell me until Sunday), and, her exact words "Daddy was sympathetic towards gay people." I think a rainbow tattoo is brilliant, but I'm not sure it's what I want. I would love and will at some point in time get a rainbow tattoo, but right now I am focusing on getting something to memorialise my father for me, and nothing else. I looked for some ideas online and I found one where there is the Earth surrounded by a rainbow going out, kind of like sun rays, which I think is really cool. I was thinking that, for my father, I could get a standard peace sign in the middle with a rainbow going out (effectively killing two birds with one stone, which is what I kind of wanted to avoid). I want people to see my new tattoo and know I got it for my father, and I am afraid that if I get a rainbow tattoo they won't think that. But I don't want to get a heart with "Daddy" in it. It has to be meaningful. I'm still playing with the idea, but I go home for Molly's NINETEEN BIRTHDAY! on September 21, which is when I was planning on getting the tattoo. But these things can't be rushed.

I'm watching All About Eve and LOLing at Bette Davis, she's such a loon. She's too serious about everything in such a not-at-all serious kind of way. I'm pretty envious of the ability to be serious/but not at the same time, everyone either thinks I'm completely insane and always running in circles like a deranged person or I'm overly serious. There has to be an even medium, but I don't think there is with me.

I've got so much going through my head right now that it's craziness. And I should be reading Phillis Wheatley, and although I think her poetry is astonishing, I have had no time to myself at all today. This is my first free moment. God.

I see myself going crazy and or never sleeping and or both in the very near future. Perhaps tonight? We'll see.

The Harvey Milk movie looks fabulous, can't wait to see it.

I need to read, but I'd rather be running around outside in the puddles. Gahh!!