I want someone to tell me why I can't man up and tell my mom that I'm gay. I've searched my heart and soul for the answer, and I think it's because I'm afraid she won't love me anymore, or the love will change, but I'm not sure. I think she'd be okay with it, at least with a little chance to get over any initial shock.
It's me, it's who I am. But it doesn't control me and my life. I have the same friends I had when I was a fifth grader. I have new friends, yes, some very recent ones, but I don't choose my friends based on my sexuality. I don't choose to work or not work because I'm gay. Being gay has so little to do with my day to day life. Even when I'm in a relationship it has very little to do with my life because a relationship is a relationship. A straight woman wouldn't wake up next to her male partner and think to herself "hmm.. I'm really straight."
It just is. It's just a part of my life. Maybe I can't tell her because I know that, as a huge part of her life, this little fact of my life would play a part in her life. And I don't want to disrupt her life.
I wish I didn't have to come out to her. Maybe I won't for a really long time. Maybe I never will. I wouldn't be able to handle it if my mother couldn't accept me.
I wish I could just be straight. And find a nice guy who could make me happy and I could make him happy and we could grow old and play bingo on Sundays in the nursing home. Then everyone would be happy.
Except for me. Which is why I am gay, and out, and proud of who I am. I am happy. I am so happy. And for the first time in my life (well 2 years ago... back when I first admitted to myself that I was gay) I have a much better image of who I am and who I am going to be.
I'm happy. Parents are supposed to want the happiness of their children.
I have to tell her. But I'm scared.
