Though I've Tried...

The weekend started out wonderfully. I spent Friday doing laundry, watching Indiana Jones and napping (I never nap! It was fabulous!). On Saturday my mother and Naveen came up to school to visit us and to celebrate my acceptance to the study abroad program and Naveen's visa extension.

NAVEEN'S VISA WAS EXTENDED! How awesome is that?? Everyone is super happy about it and I couldn't be more glad.

We went out to the macaroni grill for linner, and then we went to a Boston Blazers (MLL) game at the garden (they won!) and proceeded to check ourselves in to the courtyard marriot. The beds were so comfortable and it was probably the best sleep I've had in a very long time. Needless to say, it ranks in the top of the best weekends ever (the weekend of Tegan and Sara is number 1).

We got back to campus today and did homework, etc. until a GSA meeting at 9 pm.

As Hillary and I were entering my dorm, where the meeting was being held, a girl (a former very good friend of mine) burst out of the front doors, weeping bitterly. She was on the phone with her mother and I went to open the door for Hillary when I heard the words "Mom, one of my friends just hung himself."

Why do people do such senseless things? Don't they know that there are people who love and care about them? Don't they know there is help for them?

I held this girl in the snow and the wind while she sobbed into my shoulder. I moved her into the lounge while Hillary made sure we weren't interrupted by club members filing down to the meeting. She kept sobbing and wondering and repeating "Oh God." I've never had a friend commit suicide before, and I don't think I'd be able to handle it it ever happened.

Tears were streaming down my face as I walked her up to her room and made sure her roommate was there to take care of her. Luckily we had a snow day today, or perhaps not so luckily, since she won't be able to have her mind taken off of the present events.

I went down to lead the GSA meeting but I quickly found myself unable. I got up at the beginning of the meeting, walked out of the doors, walked down the hall to my room, opened the door and burst into tears. Hillary was there to catch me and hold me and tell me it was okay. She thought I knew this kid too, why else would I be so upset?

I was upset because people shouldn't hurt themselves, in any way. Why do people have to take their own lives? Don't they see how much it hurts the people who love them? Why do people have to be sad? Can't everyone just be happy to be alive, be thankful for every moment, good or bad?

I was crying because I can't save everyone, no matter how hard I try.

Updates updates updates

I'm going to London!! Fall semester '09 I'll be studying abroad in London! I got the paperwork in earlier this week and I found out yesterday that I've been approved to study abroad! Now all I have to do is get my course list approved by my advisor and I'm all set. Move in day is September 3, and the last day in the dorms is December 20. I'm so excited!!

I go to Disney with my friends in 15 days. We leave March 8 and come home March 13. It's probably going to be the best time of my life. My beautiful girlfriend, my best friend at school Alycia, and a bunch of my other friends from school, all in the happiest place on Earth causing a ruckus.

I have, unfortunately, somewhat quit lacrosse. Quit isn't the right word because I still hang around with the girls and play whenever I get the chance, but I can't show up regularly because I have far too many commitments as it is. I still love to play, and there is nothing like running around with balls and sticks, but it can't be my main focus.

Running the GSA has turned into a full time job. We're selling t-shirts (which I helped design along with my co-partner Alycia and our advisor) and I decided we should decrease the price to $5 so that people would actually buy them, but we need to make up the difference, so we had a bake sale at a dance show on campus this weekend. The grand total comes to somewhere in the neighbourhood of $430, which is much more than I was anticipating. And I've been baking all weekend (well, since Wednesday actually) so I'm pretty exhausted. But I think I can claim the title Domestic Goddess at this point in time, so I'm pleased. I've never helped bake so many brownies, cookies, and cupcakes in my life.

I've been recruited to help start a Psychology Club at school. I was straight forward and told the club advisor that I would not be president, but if I have to have a position because I'm helping to start it, I'll be treasurer. I over extend myself too much and I need something easier and less demanding in my life.

I've also had a slight change of heart in terms of my career goals. I want to be a psychologist in some capacity, and I want to get my PhD, but I am at this point thinking that I will be going to seminary straight out of undergrad. I need to begin the talks with my pastor regarding ordination (which would be my ultimate goal). The only issue I see is that the Lutheran Church, although we are tolerant of the gays and openly ordain the gays, homosexual pastors must abstain from homosexual relationships after ordination. That's gonna be a huge nay, and I'm hoping there is a loop hole I can discover. I'll figure something out, or I'll become an Episcopalian. Or I'll get my doctorate of divinity and teach religion and philosophy courses. I suppose we'll see how things go, but at this point in time I feel very drawn to service in the church, not that I haven't always but it feels particularly strong right now.

So my life is pretty chaotic and exciting right now, but most lives are chaotic and exciting, right? Hope everyone is doing very well out there in this great big world.

Valentine's Day

Since Valentine's Day happened to fall on the long weekend this year, and I had big plans for Saturday, I decided Hillary and I would go home to Connecticut for the weekend. So right now I'm sitting in my green chair in my living room after having held my rabbit and played with my dog. I miss those things so much at school, it's going to be heartbreaking to leave tomorrow. But I'll start from the beginning of the weekend, it's mainly adorable so if you don't appreciate adorable things you should avert your eyes.

Friday night Hillary called me to come over to her dorm around 5, as she was making me dinner and she was lonely in the kitchen all by herself. But I was explicitly told to not go into her room. So we hung out in the kitchen while she cooked me my Valentine's dinner (which was a surprise up until that point). Now, Hillary is no cook mind you, so this was a HUGE deal. She made pasta alfredo with chicken, and the alfredo sauce was home made (by Hillary!). She did an amazing job and it was probably the best pasta alfredo I've had in my entire life, without exaggeration.

Then we hung out and nursed our food babies for about an hour and Hillary went to the fridge and brought out a plate full of strawberries dipped in chocolate that she had made a few hours earlier. It was so sweet because when we go grocery shopping she knows that I immediately go to the berries and get strawberries and raspberries (my absolute fave!). She told me she almost got raspberries to dip in the chocolate but that she was advised that they wouldn't be conducive to being covered in chocolate. It was so cute, and they were absolutely amazing, and it was especially appreciated because Hillary doesn't eat chocolate (it makes her sick or something or she is revolted by it, I dunno she's just weird) so she made them entirely for me.



We spent the rest of the evening watching Chocolat, which was SUPERB! We loved that movie and definitely recommend it.

Saturday morning we got up early and drove to the destination of my part of the Valentine's Day planning. Over Thanksgiving when I told Hillary I was going to the National Zoo she told me that she loves zoos but she hadn't been to one in a very long time. I love zoos and the Roger Williams Zoo in Providence is probably my favourite zoo ever (for sentimental reasons). I hadn't been there in a year or two (my parents had been taking me to that zoo basically from birth) and I figured she would enjoy it too. So I took her to the zoo, which was about an hour from school and two hours from home, and we had an fantastic time. A baby giraffe was born there in late December, so the little guy was still very little and sooo cute.



And we saw the gibbons, who I always sort of gravitate too every time I go to Roger Williams. They had a jouvenile male who was so active, such a crazy. He kept running up to his dad and hitting him and trying to get him to play, but dad was having none of it. I got a really good picture of the boy and his dad together.



After we were done at the zoo we went to the merry-go-round in the park. There was basically no one there, and a ride on the merry-go-round only cost a dollar. It was a lot of fun, we really enjoyed ourselves and it was by far the best Valentine's Day I've ever had.



We had dinner at Cracker Barrel and took the long drive home. When we got home we hung out with my mother and Naveen for the rest of the evening, playing Monopoly and drinking. Eventually we stopped playing and started chatting and we talked until 2 am. We talked about everything from our uncertainty over the fate of our college, the economy, the inequities between the genders, etc. We finally went to bed after a fun filled two days of awesome, and were woken up this morning to cinnabuns and tea because my mother loves us dearly.

I really love Hillary. I love her because she's sitting in the same room with me right now, on her lap top, and we can be contented to just do our own thing for a little while. I love her because she sneaks up behind me when I'm brushing my hair and wraps her arms around me. I love her because she lets me sleep in while she showers (and doesn't hold it against me when I tell her I'm just going to be that kid who doesn't bother to shower). She's the best, and like I told her last night, she's my best friend and such a great love. I'm so happy.

Another Letter I'll Never Send

This is another letter I'll never send. It's not that I don't want to send this one, it's just that it is impossible for it to be delivered.

Dear George,

On Thursday it will be two years. Three years ago I laid my bow on the strings and my fingers against the neck and my violin sang into the ceiling. Four years ago I smiled at you when I walked into the bandroom, and we told jokes and laughed and you made silly faces at people who weren't paying attention. Five years ago we were getting ready to compete in Toronto, and I had already learned a great deal from you in less than a year.

I remember the first time I met you, vividly. It was at summer music the summer between middle school and high school. I rode my bike to the middle school, to surround myself with the music program that I had dedicated myself to for four years. You were sitting there while the first violins practiced, holding your baby girl in your lap. You made me laugh so hard and I didn't even know you, but I knew we would be fast friends.

On the first day of high school I was terrified, but orchestra was an immediate home for me. Kate and I plopped ourselves down in the most comfortable chair in the bandroom and listened to you talk about the rigors of orchestra, knowing you were probably the least serious person we'd ever met. We took playing tests as freshman and sophomores, to determine our seating assignments. Kate and I were last stand first violins, a definite honor for freshman. I remember our playing exam sophomore year. When we finished you sat there with paper in front of you, pen in hand, looking at us. All you said was "And you're only sophomores." I could have cried with how good you made me feel about my abilities. I felt like I could do anything, play anything, be anything, because of you.

I went to Ireland over April vacation junior year, when the music department went on the annual music trip. That year you went to Boston, and orchestra placed second in the competition. We placed second my freshman year, and first my sophomore year. You were always so proud of us, and you always told us to ignore what the judges said, that we sounded great no matter what. And we did, we sounded like a team. If I could go back and change anything, I would have been there for the trip to Boston, so I could have spent a little more time with you. So I could have been there with my orchestra, with my team. I'm sorry, George.

You looked terrible on the night of the spring concert junior year. You had recently been told you would be taking over heading the band in addition to the orchestra. Your responsibilities were mounting and the music department budget was shrinking.

After the concert you went to the doctor, with fatigue. Nothing scary, right?

The doctor told you that you were sick. Very sick. You had leukemia.

They told us you had leukemia. I never panicked. Everyone was all over the place, terrified that you were going to die, trying to be hopeful that you would make a swift recovery. Everyone prayed. The "paper cranes" phenonmenon swept the school, and everyone wishes and hoped that you would be all right. Everyone loved you, George. You never made an enemy of the students, and you made dozens of great friends of the faculty.

You left the school to get treatment, and a less capable person filled in for you while you were gone. No one liked him, no one trusted him. He wasn't you.

The winter concert went smoothly, we sounded great, and we all played for you. We wore our blue and gold "Jammin' for George" wristbands, and all of our parents clapped and cheered for you when you sat in the front row. We played a benefit concert for your family and your expenses a few weeks later. Your eyes were deep and sunken, your formerly bald and shiny head was even balder. Your skin lacked its natural healthy glow. You were so skinny. You stood to conduct us for one song at the winter concert, but that was all you could handle. We cried so hard during that song. I turned to one of my friends, tears streaming down my face, and asked her if this was the last time we would be conducted by you. She told me not to say that, that it would be okay.

They told us you weren't coming back to teach us. They told us you were dying. They had ever single counselor in the band room, every single available staff member on hand. Tears streamed down my hot cheeks as I heard the words traveling out of their mouths and into my ears. You were dying. We finally had confirmation of our worst fears. You were dying.

I went into the practice room area and fell against a wall. Kate caught me and held me while I wept bitterly. It was the first time I ever really cried. I never cried when my father died, never really cried anyway. I feel, in a lot of ways, like your death was a continuation of my father's death. Like cancer was killing all of the important men in my life. It was a great release of emotion, of all the pent of rage and sadness from my father's death and all the feelings I had over you, George.

On February 5, 2007 I was sitting in second period cafe study, my books piled in front of me on a cafeteria table just high enough that I could rest my tired head. The principal's voice mumbled over the intercom that, after a long and hard fought battle against leukemia, you died. I felt like the battle that we had all been fighting was lost, like what was the use of any of it? It was the first time in my life that I realised that love isn't enough. Love isn't enough to keep someone in your life, it's not enough to keep friends from fighting, lovers from leaving, fathers and mothers and friends and teachers from dying. Everything I thought I knew was gone.

And so you died. I left cafe study and wandered down the long hallways to the music wing. I found Kate in the hallway, dropped my books and grabbed her in my arms. The teachers quickly ushered us to the music wing where we hugged and cried. I couldn't even stand to see how devastated we all were. I went home and lay in my bed for hours, just crying and wondering.

The violin felt different in my hand after that. The strings didn't have to same pang as before. My heart was completely broken. Love wasn't enough to keep you alive, George. It just wasn't enough.

And so you've been dead for two years now, and I miss you as much as I did a year ago, and two years ago, and as much as I will miss you three, ten, twenty years from now. The pain never goes away, it sometimes changes and sometimes it gets easier to get through the day without crying, but it never goes away. Sometimes I remember your smile, your laugh (you had such an amazing laugh!), your bald head, the love I know you felt for your students and music, and I cry. I'm not crying for me George, and maybe I'm not even crying because I'm sad. I cry because I knew you, and you touched my life. I've known many angels in my short experience here on Earth, and you George were certainly one of them. I cry because I'm so grateful, so very thankful that I knew you and that my life will never be the same.

If you see my daddy, play him a song for me. But NOT Duffy's Cut :) Play something happy and full of life. When I play my violin, run my fingers over the strings and grip the bow loosely, I see you on the pages in front of my eyes. I see my father, who never got to hear me play. I'm playing for you, George, and my daddy, and me. Put in a good word for me.

God, I miss you so much.

Yuck

I haven't blogged in a little while, not because there has been nothing to blog about but because I've been bogged down with school work, meetings, club work, etc. The only reason I am able to blog today is because I have the flu, and I'm spending the day in bed with my laptop, my cell phone and my television. The last time I had the flu I was nine years old, it was the winter after my father died and all I remember was laying down on the couch and not being able to get back up for a week.

Yesterday morning I woke up to a snow day, and an illness. All day I was mopey and headachey and then just achey and tired. I came back to my dorm after dinner and did homework, and then Hillary came over when I was finished and rubbed my back and told me that I was on fire, even though I was absolutely freezing. I've never experienced such chills before in my life. So my roommate and Hillary put me under the covers and stocked the fridge with water and made sure I had water and tissues next to me. Al gave me her flannel blanket for my feet and Hillary got me nyquil and sudafed (for the morning) and I conked out sometime around 11. I've never had nyquil before and it was a very trippy experience. It might have been interacting strangely with the other medicine I take for asthma and allergies, or I might have just been tripping out on nyquil in a flu induced delirium.

Lacrosse was supposed to start last night but as a result of the weather the kick off was postponed until tonight. I wouldn't have been able to play yesterday, and I certainly won't be able to play today. I can barely walk, much less run or hold a lacrosse stick.

School has been going well, other than this recent illness. I dropped psychopathology, which has already made my life much easier and my time much more manageable. It seemed like it would be a great class, but I can take it at some other point and I really need to not go insane this semester.

I recently got the paperwork and I am applying to study abroad in London fall semester '09. I'm very excited and hope that I get to go.

I'm a little too under the weather right now to add much more, but I do hope that all is well with everyone reading this and I'll try to get back on a regular blogging schedule as soon as I can. Times are chaotic right now because the semester just began and I haven't quite gotten back into the swing of things (and I lead a somewhat crazy life) but I'll be back for good eventually.

Inauguration Day

I'm back at school, glad to be back, but I think the events of today take precedence over anything going on in my personal life.

It's really cool, I think, that a nation can come together to celebrate the entrance of a new leader, and the departure of an old leader. As much as any of us may disdain George W Bush, I think it's fair to say that he did lead us through a great deal of tragedy and turmoil. Though he has more or less left us high and dry and in an economic downward spiral, he led us and we are wiser for it, I would say.

God bless the Obamas and the Bidens, let today go off without a hitch. God bless and protect our great nation.

Definitely a sign of hope. Great things to come I think.

The Best Days of Our Lives

On Friday we piled into Jaimes car and headed on the two hour journey from Connecticut to Boston, complete with sleeping bags, pillows, blankets, and scrabble. I can't do a step by step of what happened, because although it would be thoroughly entertaining, it would be about a year long. So, I'm going to highlight some of the most hilarious things that occured on this little trip to Boston.

Kate and Molly sat in the back seat, while Jaime drove and I sat in the passenger seat (because I'm the coolest and I always get shotty). As soon as Jaime started driving, the two in the back whipped out scrabble, not travel scrabble but legit scrabble, and proceeded to open the board, distribute seven letters each, and play. It was just... too funny for words. Every time Jaime changed lanes or tapped the brakes the pieces slid all over the place.

We went to Barnes and Noble near the Pru and I went to get a cup of tea at the coffee shop in the store. The chick behind the counter told me I could get a discount if I used my B&N card, which I didn't have on me, so I asked if she could look up my card. So she looked it up by phone number, but she didn't use the area code so obviously it wasn't going to work (freakin dumb) and then she tried my email address. I told her the address, and "at cox dot net" and she looked at me with a super perplexed face and said "How do you spell cox?"

*cue laughter*

She turned so many shades of red when I said it was spelt c-o-x and she was like "uh uh uh we don't have it on record uh uh uh sorry uh uh uh I don't know of any other way you would spell cox." It was so funny.

There was a woman in the science museum who looked exactly like Kate (Kate is super Asian), like exactly like her. They could have been twins, it was actually kind of scary. We were all wandering around in different places and I guess Jaime went up to this woman, thinking it was Kate, and started talking to her. The woman looked at Jaime like she had three heads and Jaime was like "Oh.. you're not Kate." Too funny.

They have a part of the x-ray exhibit at the science museum where you feel boobs to see if you can find the lump. Like... you feel these anatomically accurate boobs. The science museum was awesome.

There were baby chicks in one of the exhibits, and eggs that were hatching! It was beautiful and I definitely was tempted to steal some of the chicks cause they were adorable.

Kate couldn't reach the handrails on the T so she had to hold on to Natasha, and after that we referred to Kate as abuela (actually we called her al-bu-la in reference to the fact that my mother, everybodys favourite of course, can't pronounce abuela and it's funnier that way) and walked around Boston saying "Grandma you're gonna be late for mah-jong!" It makes me weepy with giggles just thinking about how much of a ruckus we cause everywhere we go.

Those girls are the greatest. Sleeping on Natasha's floor wasn't even that bad, it was actually the most comfortable floor I've ever slept on before, and I was surrounded by my best friends in the whole world. We stayed up until four am reminisching about the past... fourteenish years we've shared together. I hadn't forgotten what a big part of my life these girls are, I just needed to be reminded. I never realised how much of my life I've shared with them, how many memories we have together. I really love them a lot, and I miss them when I'm at school. But our relationships with one and other are changing and it's okay, as scary as it is it's okay. We won't always be able to drop everything and go on roadtrips, or pile into cars and visit each other wherever we are in this country or this world. Someday soon we'll have families, and real jobs, and real responsibilities.

It's wonderful, for now, to be able to be with them, and to be reminded of how important we are to each other.