CAUSING???!!!

CAUSING???? What the hell! Causing is such a ridiculous word. I would like to cause my foot to be lodged in Sigmund Freud's ass. We don't know what "causes" homosexuality, just like we don't know what causes heterosexuality. Who the hell cares what causes it, it exists, we need to figure out how to COEXIST!

"Psychological and social theories
Early childhood seems to be the critical period in which sexual orientation forms, suggesting that learning plays a part in causing homosexuality. Freudians have traditionally held that homosexuality is rooted in early childhood developmental conflicts, particularly the Oedipal conflict. Freudians believe homosexuality develops in response to troubled family relationships, an overly affectionate and dominant mother and a passive father, and/or the loss of one or both parents. However, these theories cannot explain why homosexuality occurs in individuals not coming from these types of families.
More recently, researchers have proposed that social-learning factors may be account for homosexuality. The sexual preference may develop when a child engages in early cross-gender behaviors (behaviors stereotypical of the other sex) or when a teenager's sexual drive emerges during a period of primarily same-gender.

Interactional theories
Proponents of the interactional theory of homosexuality allege that sexual orientation develops from a complex interaction of biological, psychological, and social factors. John Money explains that prenatal hormones first act on the embryo's and fetus's brain, which creates a physiological predisposition toward a particular sexual orientation. During early childhood, social-learning factors influence the child, either facilitating or inhibiting the predisposition."

Home Again Home Again

Got back to school yesterday, and it was and continues to be ridiculously hot in all the dorms.

It's kind of weird being back, the lights are brighter and there is always someone to talk to, someone to hug when you need one, someone at your doorstep when you just want to be alone.

I was basically alone all summer except for hanging out with my friends in the evenings or when we were going on a road trip. Now I am constantly surrounded by life and people and emotions, never ending. So much sound all the time, never a quiet moment. It's weird, but I've never felt lonelier. It makes me sick to my stomach. I feel like something is wrong with me. I was so happy during the summer, with peace and quiet and nothing to do but endless opportunities. Now I am on a schedule and I have work to do, reading and writing and non sense. I just want to sleep, and it's not even the third day yet. I love school, and I love learning, and I love being here and being surrounded by people who I know. People who I all know. What is wrong with me.

I feel like I'm being fake here because I put on this happy facade and then when I'm alone, like now, I get to be me. No one else but me. Maybe I'm anti social. I really hate to say this, and it's so not me which concerns me, but if I could I would just go to my car and cry. Just cry. I'm not homesick, and I'm surrounded by people who care about me and who I care about, but something changed over the last two days. I'm still trying to figure out what it is.

Maybe I just need to settle in. Maybe it's this whole identity thing that I've been having trouble with as of late. I'm not the same person I was last year. Last year I had to tell everyone that I'm a lesbian. This year I tell them what? I still love women, but what I am now? I'm still a chick and I always will be, but there is something more. I'm not just a chick and I'm not just a lesbian.

I hate feeling like this. But I love college, and learning, and my friends.

I'm optimistic that things will get better.

Not Going to Turn Out Like Sylvia Plath

Still packing. I leave tomorrow. Part of me doesn't want to go, because that means having to leave my mother, and she will be lonely without me. The rest of me desperately wants to get as far away from here as possible. Just drive and drive and drive and never look back. Cut all ties, leave everything behind. I need to stop reading The Bell Jar, but I can't. It's too compelling.

"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.

"From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.

"I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."

Story of my life.

I'm Not Bitter

If I had a nickel for every time I was treated with disrespect because I am (clearly) a lesbian, I think I'd have maybe 10 cents, but that's pushing it. I don't really recall ever being treated differently in any respect because I'm gay, either better or worse.

I guess I never really expected to be treated differently.

All of my friends parents know (basically everyone knows except my mother, but she's not dumb) and they're all cool about it, very cool in fact. When I came out to each of them, nothing in that relationship changed, which is exactly what I had hoped for.

My roommate's entire family knows, and they're basically the best. I love my roommate and her family to pieces. Couldn't ask for a better roommate.

The whole coming out process for me was kind of like "whoa, I got myself all worked up over nothing?"

But then this has to happen, and I wonder to myself "what the fuck?"

The "this" I am referring to is something that one of my very best friends told me the other day. She and I hang out a lot, and a lot of the time we're hanging out with a bunch of our mutual friends. Some of the time we hang out just the two of us, for no reason other than the fact that sometimes it's nice to hang out one on one instead of having to deal with six people all competing for attention. I make one on one time for all my best friends.

Hope you don't mind that I'm telling your story, I know you're reading this right now.

Anywho, so my friend told me that her grandmother (a very old country Roman Catholic) found out that I'm a lesbian (because it was a big fucking secret, obviously) and doesn't want her to hang out with me anymore. "People will get ideas." What the fuck does that even mean? People will get ideas? If people wanted fucking ideas they would use their heads!

I've been friends with this girl for a very long time, I know her family and they know me. AND SHE'S NOT GAY. Does her grandmother honestly think that I'm going to change her? Or that I have any desire to?? And why the hell does she care what people think? The people in this town who know I'm a lesbian, the only people who would potentially talk about it, first of all DON'T MATTER, and second of all wouldn't talk about it because I'M NOT THE ONLY GAY PERSON IN THIS FUCKED UP TOWN.

And then, her little sister who is a friend of mine, basically asked her if she and I were together because we spend so much time together. Are you kidding me? Is this SERIOUSLY happening?

I'm not in high school anymore, I do not need to deal with this sophomoric bullshit.

I don't understand how or why things like this happen. I can't have friends anymore because obviously if I'm friends with a girl it means I'm in a romantic relationship with her? I can't spend time with the same group of girls I've hung around with since elementary school? I would have been a lesbian whether I came out or not, I was always a lesbian. I was a lesbian when I blew out the candles on my seventh birthday cake, I was a lesbian when I kissed a boy for the first time in the fourth grade, I was a lesbian when I walked across the stage at graduation. I have always been and will always be a lesbian. Would society rather that I stay in the closet and continue to suffer? I don't want the answer to that question, and I refuse to believe the truth.

It hurts so much to know that there are people out there who think of me differently just because I'm gay and just because I'm out and just because I am proud of who I am.

I will never regret coming out, I would have died if I hadn't. The pain of leading a life you weren't meant to lead is far worse than the pain of being made to feel "different."

I wish, more than anything else, that I could talk to my mother about this, and that she could tell me it's all going to be okay. But I don't believe that will ever happen.

I'm a damn good friend to ALL of my friends, the fact that I'm gay shouldn't matter.

I just don't understand.

And I Pointed My Dreams North

Packing sucks.

My room started out the summer looking rather like a storage closet, with everything I know piled up all over the place. Getting from the door to the bed or the closet quickly became impossible. I basically lived out of laundry hampers all summer, and never really gave a second thought to having to move back to school.

And here it is, the Friday before I go back, and piled all around me are boxes of clothes, sweatshirts for the Massachusetts winter, baskets filled with God only knows what, pens and pencils, computer stuff, instruments, a cat and a dog.

I wish they could come with me. Kitty has placed herself in the box for my desktop, and scrunched herself down so she is just peering over the edge and watching me type. She knows I'm going again, and she knows I'm probably going for a long time. It's hard to leave your best friends behind. Like most things in life, I wish they could comprehend how very much I love them.

Puppy is laying with her paws under her chin and looking up at me with her big brown eyes. She looks pretty pathetic, I'll admit. If I could find room for them in one of the bins and hide them away in my dorm, I so would. But they are happy here, where they are room to roam around, and all the treats and love an animal could ever dream of. They certainly aren't lacking for anything.

But it will be hard for them when I'm not here to go swimming on warm afternoons with Puppy, or lay in the sun with Kitty on my chest, or hold them both close when there is a storm. The three of us get along pretty swell. They grew up together in many ways. They're always growing up with me, and I was there to watch them grow up.

The madre and I will be happy to part ways for a while. She has her life and I have mine. When they intersect for too long a period of time, we tend to argue a lot. There are so many things about me that she doesn't know, and as I get older the things she doesn't know build and build, until eventually I feel as though we're strangers here. Strangers sharing a house, sharing a family, sharing a town and a little life we created. And yet, she is the person who understands me the best in the world. The silence between us isn't defeaning, it's a silence of understanding. We both know each other, but at the same time we understand that there are things about the other person that don't need to be discussed. The mystery in our relationship is good and healthy, for the time being.

I'm sure somewhere in her heart and in her mind she knows. She watched me grow up, she watched me struggle when being a tomboy wasn't okay anymore. She was there for every boyfriend, every failed relationship.

I remember driving in the car with her after I had recently broken up with some little boy. I think it was the seventh grade. I said to her "Mom, I don't think I can date one boy," and I tried desperately to articulate how I was feeling at the time. I always felt lost and confused, like all the girls were dating boys so I should do the same. No one ever even told me that how I was feeling was normal and okay, maybe it wasn't normal and okay. I had no idea that feeling the way I did was just the beginnings of trying to figure out who I was.

Being a kid is so hard. If everyone was just born a girl, or born a boy, and that was that everything would be so much simpler. But people aren't born that way. There is no ideal girl or ideal boy, and there never was. We're all different, whether it is due to nature or nurturing. Why can't people just accept us as we are?

Why couldn't someone just tell me it was okay? Why did I have to abandon who I was and who I would always be, and pretend to be someone I never was and never will be? Does society make us do this? Or do we put that pressure on ourselves?

I'm a firm believer that, at the end of the day, you and you alone are the only person in the entire world who matters. If you don't love yourself, no one can love you. How can we be expected to love ourselves if from every direction we are being told we are fundamentally wrong, we are being told that there is something wrong with us that we have no control over?

This is what I'm thinking about while I'm packing my clothes, my possessions, my memories, into boxes to be packed away in my car and hauled up to school.

It's hard to leave the ones you love behind, whether it's your dog or your cat, your mom, your friends, or the you you left behind so long ago. Some day we'll get there.

I Want to Believe

I have been a Hillary supporter since the fourth grade, when I cried because another little girl got to be Hillary Clinton when we were doing presentations on historical figures. I got to be Amelia Earhart, and my mom bought me an aviator hat and goggles to wear during the presentations at the army surplus store. Sometimes I still wear them just for shiggles. Miss Earhart is still one of my top three no-longer-with-us heroes (Joan of Arc, Lucille Ball, and good ole Amelia).

I was devastated when Hillary had to concede the nomination to Barack. I sat in the driveway, staring at my Hillary bumpersticker for a while, wondering where we went wrong. Can't a woman be president of the USA? Will it ever happen? Hillary is so perfect for the job. In my heart, Hillary Clinton will always be MY president.

I never liked Barack Obama, and when Hillary lost the nomination I was terribly bitter. I debated not voting at all. I decided, though, that it's unethical for Americans to not vote, and I'm all about ethics.

He has been more in the public eye as of late, particularly with the Democratic National Convention. And it dawned on me.

He's a real guy. He's just a regular guy, living the American Dream. He has a wife, and kids, and a vested interest in the future of this country. He is a young guy, with his own dreams and aspirations. And they all stem from and lead to this American Dream of ours.

I was young when my father died, but I remember him talking about marching with Dr. Martin Luther King. My father was a conscientious objector, and during the Vietnam War when he was drafted, he told the United States Army that he would sooner by shot than shoot another human being, and he was given a different assignment.

When he was young he marched with Dr. King, and shook his hand, and they all marched, and they all sang, and they were all Americans. All with an American Dream.

My daddy makes me so proud. I hope that some day I can be even half the person he was. He had so much love, so much love for every person he encountered. Love is really what this life is all about.

I wish my daddy were alive to see this day. A man and a woman, both running for the nomination to go to the election to the most powerful office in the land. An African American man who will, God willing, take that office and make it great again. Equality. It's what they marched for so many years ago. And here it is, knocking on our doorstep. We have so far to go, but we have come so far already.

"One person's struggle is all of our struggle." Mr. Obama, you have my vote. Make us great again.

Spirit in the Sky

I go back to school on Monday!! DEAR GOD I AM OVERJOYED!! I'm going to miss my best friends (Molly, I know you're reading this, love ya!), but I've missed my school friends for nearly four months now. I NEED TO GET BACK TO MY LIFE! I feel like summer sucked my soul right out of me. Well, summer, I shake my fist at you! I'm going back to school!!

I didn't go to church today for the second to last Thursday evening service of the summer, and the last service I will be able to attend until probably Thanksgiving (or Molly's birthday). But I don't feel bad, because I said goodbye to my church family already. And God is always with me. Can't get away from that Guy/Girl/Thing :-P

Here's a little summit I wrote:

When I walk across my college campus, I no longer notice the golden cross on top of the main building gleaming in the sunlight. I don’t stop to read the “have you prayed today?” flyers strewn haphazardly in front of the elevator. No one stops me on my way to class to demand that I go back to my dorm and change out of my “marriage is so gay” t-shirt. I go about my day at my Catholic college with no intrusion from the religious right.

When I have the opportunity to catch up with what is going on in the rest of the world, I find myself disenchanted, more often than not. We are constantly bombarded with war, murder, disease, and all the things that dominate the media.

As members of the GLBT community we are perpetually flooded, externally and internally, by the views of people who have no tolerance for anything that goes against societal norms. It is unfortunate that religion has emerged as the “enemy” of the GLBT community. It is equally unfortunate that the GLBT community is viewed as the enemy to the religious community. Both have something to contribute to modern society, and have contributed wonderful things throughout history.

The purpose of religion has always been all inclusion. Christ didn’t preach love, compassion and acceptance to one generation alone. The 10 Commandments weren’t created solely for the few Israelites who escaped persecution in Egypt. It is impossible to please everyone at any given point in time, which is why the major world religions have stood the test of time. What the modern religious community lacks is the ability to tolerate, not necessarily embrace, anything that goes against their view of "right." My view of "right" as a Protestant differs from a Catholic view of right. The view of someone from the northeast differs from the view of someone from the deep south. All Christians are certainly not the same, just as all Americans are not the same, and no two people are ever the same.

When you are baptized a Christian, the person officiating the ceremony doesn't say "Do you reject Satan? Do you promise to blow up abortion clinics and raise hell for homosexuals?" Many Christian churches (I can't speak for any other body of faith because I am unfamiliar with anything else) preach tolerance. Not only do they preach tolerance, many preach acceptance and embracing everyone, regardless of who they are or where they come from. I'm a Lutheran, who goes to a VERY Catholic college, and I'm gay, and I'm out. I have a great relationship with the religious leaders at my school, who have no issue with our difference of opinion on many matters of faith or the fact that I'm openly gay. I can walk across campus holding my girlfriend’s hand and I don’t have to worry about awkward stares or disapproving glances. I’m very fortunate to go to a liberal school, in a liberal part of the country. Many are not so fortunate.

Truly, no one should have a problem with anyone else, particularly for matters beyond their control. There are tons of close-minded people out there running their mouths who say hateful things, but they aren't speaking for the entire Christian family. They are speaking for themselves and their close-minded drone followers. The things they say hurt me more as a Christian than a lesbian, because they give Christians and religious individuals very bad names. Christ never preached hatred of any group or any individual person. Christ invited any person with a desire to lead a good life to believe in Him and be saved. I believe that God gave us all free will for a purpose, and we certainly don’t live in the same times as when the Bible was written. We all have the intellect to choose our own paths and to determine our own right and wrong.

We have so little time that it is wasteful to care about the action or inaction of others. People are bound to dislike each other, for one reason or another. Everyone goes into every situation with preconceptions, something that is unavoidable and human. No one is perfect, and no one can be expected to be perfect. All anyone can ever be the best person they can be. However, everyone’s definition of what the best person is will be different for every individual. Which is why people need to be dealt with on an individual basis. Just because someone is a Christian, or a lesbian, or even a Christian lesbian, doesn’t mean they will share the same points of view as I do.

Only when we stop viewing people by their “fundamentalists” or “gay” or “Christian” or “Middle Eastern” labels and start viewing them as individuals will the barriers we have built between ourselves crumble and we can live as people, all trying to live on the same planet.