The Boys Wanna Be Her

We're seeing PEACHES... TONIGHT!

I am so effing excited I can hardly stand it. I love Peaches, and I hear her shows are absolutely out of control. She's probably the coolest chick who ever lived and if I go home with her, Hillary totally can't be upset with me.

But no, for reals, that would never happen.

But I am VERY excited about seeing Peaches and dancing and being up until 3 am. I hope I get a picture with her, she's doing a DJ set so it's not like she'll be up on a stage or anything. Totally going to get her autograph :)

If you're in London tonight go to the Bath House and see Peaches!

A Giant Leap for Equality

I was at church this evening for my last service before heading across the pond. I gave my pastor a great big hug, knowing how much we're going to miss each other and how much I'm going to miss the church community. Pastor is a wonderful man who has taught me so much about living my life as a spiritual person, his retirement in February is going to be one of the hardest losses of my life. He can't step foot in the church for five years after he retires, which is a church rule in order for the new pastor to become familiar with the congregation. I sure am going to miss him though, but when I get back from London I'll be church shopping near the new apartment. Hopefully I'll be lucky enough to find a congregation as warm as the one I am leaving behind, but no one will ever be able to replace pastor.

It took me a while to get out of church tonight, as everyone was talking with me about London and wishing me well and I was saying my goodbyes. Mom said she thought pastor was getting a little misty when he was saying his goodbyes to me, and I wouldn't doubt it because I was too. I cried like a baby as I drove myself home tonight. I haven't gone four months without going to church since I was baptised.

However, I wasn't so much crying because I am going to miss pastor, the congregation, the feeling I get when I sing a hymn or look up at the cross in the pulpit. Pastor told me, as I was leaving, that the church (the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America) recently (this week!!) voted to stop discriminatory practices in regard to sexual orientation. That means that gays and lesbians are now able to be married in the church by an ordained Lutheran minister, gays and lesbians can serve openly as ordained ministers AND be in committed relationships with their spouses. Previously, gays and lesbians could serve as ordained ministers BUT they had to be abstinant, and church policy was that gay and lesbian commitment ceremonies or weddings wouldn't be church sponsored.

This is the. best. news. EVER! I'm so happy for the church, it literally made me weepy, so my tears were a mix of sadness at leaving and happiness that the church is finally entering the 21st century (they skipped right over the 19th and 20th and moved right into the 21st! big steps for a conservative, old fashioned organization). This bodes very well for my interest in becoming a pastor, something I need to discuss with my pastor when I get back from London. I love research and psychology but I've always felt called to serve God and it's not something I can deny. I'm just glad I no longer have to choose between serving God as an ordained individual and being true to myself. I'm also relieved that, if I want to, I can be married in my own church by my own pastor and have a marriage recognized by my church.

It's a wonderful feeling to be accepted. Somewhere in heaven Jesus is saying "now stop persecuting the homos and start feeding the hungry!"

Don't Look Back in Anger

I can't stand this volatile relationship my mother and I have. I just plain can't stand it anymore.

As I get older I'm able to piece together and reflect on the damage she's done to me over the years (being a psychology major only makes my introspection worse).

A few weeks ago she accused me of not liking Naveen, which she does on a regular basis. I love Naveen, like a brother (or at least I did before the whole dabacle on my birthday), and so naturally I defended the fact that I do like Naveen, it's their relationship I have a problem with. I'm sorry but my 50-something year old mother should not be doing a 20-something year old man's laundry, giving him her brand new laptop, making his lunches for him, etc. etc., it's not a friendship it's her babying him, but that's a long story for another day.

On this particular occasion I guess my mother decided she needed to get a good jab in and take me down a few pegs, so she said something to the affect of "you don't like him because he is Indian (obviously I'm racist, and if that wasn't offensive enough), or maybe it's because he's a man. The only people you care about are gay people and the only things you care about are gay issues."

It's taken me some time to reflect on this, because it cut me REAL deep. If my mother bothered to get to know me, she'd know I'm not really big into gay issues. I'm more of a big picture kind of girl. I'm really into human issues. I care about everyone who takes a minute to talk to me, if I've met you there's a good chance I care about you. I don't really have any gay friends, most of my friends are straight (by choice for the most part, because gay kids in college are filled with drama, and I, clearly, get enough drama at home). My first best friend from college is a guy, he's a great guy and I love him a great deal. Almost all of my friends are girls, but that's only because my school is predominantly female. But I guess the fact of the matter is I shouldn't have to justify myself in terms of my mother's hurtful remark. She wanted to get a good jab in, and she did. I'm not sure if she can even comprehend the amount of damage she did to me by saying that.

Ever since she said that I've been wondering to myself about being gay. Do people assume that since I'm gay all I care about are gay things? I can't care about anything other than being gay? I mean, I started the GSA at my school, but I did that honestly because I firmly believe that the school is better off having a safe and welcoming outlet for GLBTQ students rather than having to deal with depressed/suicidal students who have no outlet and no way of expressing themselves. It's all about student retention. But I'm not all about being gay. I'm all about being me, and doing well in school, and getting into graduate school and figuring out what the heck I want to do with my life. I'm pretty normal and boring when you get right down to it.

But what if people think I'm just gay? What if they don't see that I'm Rachel too, and I like to play the violin and I'm happiest when I'm surrounded by my friends laughter. What if they think all I am is gay, and they don't know that when I get cut I bleed too. That's the scariest part of all of this. Does my mother think all I am is gay? That I'm nothing more than a gay kid now and I am so uninterested in the rest of the world that it might as well not even exist to me.

It makes me so sad. To think I might mean nothing. To think I might mean nothing to the woman who made me something. It helps me understand why so many GLBTQ kids kill themselves. When the people you love the most in the world make you feel worthless, what else is there?

I wonder if she'll ever know how much she hurt me, or if she'll ever care.

Just have to keep moving I s'pose. Chin up and all that good stuff. Hope everyone else is having a safe, happy and productive week. This weekend is the family reunion, wish me luck.

I'm Not Bitter

If I had a nickel for every time I was treated with disrespect because I am (clearly) a lesbian, I think I'd have maybe 10 cents, but that's pushing it. I don't really recall ever being treated differently in any respect because I'm gay, either better or worse.

I guess I never really expected to be treated differently.

All of my friends parents know (basically everyone knows except my mother, but she's not dumb) and they're all cool about it, very cool in fact. When I came out to each of them, nothing in that relationship changed, which is exactly what I had hoped for.

My roommate's entire family knows, and they're basically the best. I love my roommate and her family to pieces. Couldn't ask for a better roommate.

The whole coming out process for me was kind of like "whoa, I got myself all worked up over nothing?"

But then this has to happen, and I wonder to myself "what the fuck?"

The "this" I am referring to is something that one of my very best friends told me the other day. She and I hang out a lot, and a lot of the time we're hanging out with a bunch of our mutual friends. Some of the time we hang out just the two of us, for no reason other than the fact that sometimes it's nice to hang out one on one instead of having to deal with six people all competing for attention. I make one on one time for all my best friends.

Hope you don't mind that I'm telling your story, I know you're reading this right now.

Anywho, so my friend told me that her grandmother (a very old country Roman Catholic) found out that I'm a lesbian (because it was a big fucking secret, obviously) and doesn't want her to hang out with me anymore. "People will get ideas." What the fuck does that even mean? People will get ideas? If people wanted fucking ideas they would use their heads!

I've been friends with this girl for a very long time, I know her family and they know me. AND SHE'S NOT GAY. Does her grandmother honestly think that I'm going to change her? Or that I have any desire to?? And why the hell does she care what people think? The people in this town who know I'm a lesbian, the only people who would potentially talk about it, first of all DON'T MATTER, and second of all wouldn't talk about it because I'M NOT THE ONLY GAY PERSON IN THIS FUCKED UP TOWN.

And then, her little sister who is a friend of mine, basically asked her if she and I were together because we spend so much time together. Are you kidding me? Is this SERIOUSLY happening?

I'm not in high school anymore, I do not need to deal with this sophomoric bullshit.

I don't understand how or why things like this happen. I can't have friends anymore because obviously if I'm friends with a girl it means I'm in a romantic relationship with her? I can't spend time with the same group of girls I've hung around with since elementary school? I would have been a lesbian whether I came out or not, I was always a lesbian. I was a lesbian when I blew out the candles on my seventh birthday cake, I was a lesbian when I kissed a boy for the first time in the fourth grade, I was a lesbian when I walked across the stage at graduation. I have always been and will always be a lesbian. Would society rather that I stay in the closet and continue to suffer? I don't want the answer to that question, and I refuse to believe the truth.

It hurts so much to know that there are people out there who think of me differently just because I'm gay and just because I'm out and just because I am proud of who I am.

I will never regret coming out, I would have died if I hadn't. The pain of leading a life you weren't meant to lead is far worse than the pain of being made to feel "different."

I wish, more than anything else, that I could talk to my mother about this, and that she could tell me it's all going to be okay. But I don't believe that will ever happen.

I'm a damn good friend to ALL of my friends, the fact that I'm gay shouldn't matter.

I just don't understand.

TRUE COLORS

I do not even know where to begin with how FABULOUS the True Colors concert was. Maybe it was the weekend, getting away from home and restrictions and being able to be myself with a great friend of mine. Maybe it was being in Boston, far away from the smallness of CT. Maybe it was the cute outfit Regina Spektor wore. Who's to say? Maybe we'll never know. (Her cute outfit certainly had something to do with the awesomeness of everything).

Well, we got very lost trying to find our way there. Very lost indeed. But we were soon found by my gps (if it said "recalculating" or "lost satillite reception" one more time I would have thrown it into traffic). The show was at the T.D. Bank North Center out by Logan, a very nice venue if I do say so. I was impressed. The views were very good from basically anywhere in the theatre, even in the back where all the smokers and too-drunk-to-stumble-back-to-their-seats people congregated.

The opening act was a woman named Kat Teluga (spelt phonetically) and she was good. She was full of energy and excitement, everything an opening act should be. There was definite hesitation with the crowd to get too into her performance, for whatever reason. She did two covers of some Jennifer Lopez (I think...) whilst bouncing around the stage in a poofy little blue number.

Next were The Cliks, a phenomenal band from Canada. I very much admire their lead singer (actually all of the members of the band) Lucas for his determination. He has a rockin voice too. Very Janis Joplin-esqu, if that makes any sense. I recommend buying their new album Snakehouse, it's definetly worth it.

Next was... and my heart flutters a little (a lot)... REGINA SPEKTOR. Oh my gosh it was craziness. She had an AMAZING red dress on that matched her hair and her makeup perfectly. She is so gorgeous, such a marvelous singer and musician. Apres Moi may be my favourite of her songs, but it's a tough call. Actually, on second thought, Better is definetly my favourite. It's just so... I don't even know how to describe it. She has a way of being upbeat and funny about the most sullen, borderline morbid (if not completely morbid) things. It's really an art in and of itself.

Carson Kressley hosted the show, and he did a great job. I was telling the friend that I went with that Carson definetly made fun of lesbians A LOT, and as amusing as it was it teetered on annoying. I was quick to say, though, that making fun of lesbians is probably my favorite thing to do in the entire world. If you can't make fun of yourself, who can you make fun of?

Rosie came out at intermission (no pun intended). She was looking amazing!! She lost so much weight, I'm very proud of her. Rosie is one my personal heroes. I ADORE a League of Their Own (what self respecting, softball playing, woman-loving lesbian doesn't adore that movie? I want a list!) and think Rosie is one of the funniest women in the entertainment industry, the fact that she is an out lesbian and a very outspoken woman only add to how much I love her. I cried when she was talking about her mother and their relationship and how her mother died when she was barely 11. At the end of her wee interlude she said "and if you happen to see an old Irish lady walking around, smiling, send her backstage and tell her I've been waiting for it." I completely lost my shit when she said that. Just thinking about it now makes me get all misty.

The B-52's were next. In the mean time I putzed around, enjoyed Boston and the rowdiness of hundreds of 20/30/40/50something homos. I swear if I saw one more man stick his hands down another man's pants I was gonna drag him home to his mother by his ear. The lesbians were CRAZY. I know we're crazy but really ladies, REALLY?! It's all in good fun, I know, but spill your beer on me one more time and I'll make you go pay 3 bucks for one for me. I'd much rather be drinking a beer than wearing one. I loved it when my friend thought some guy was cute and soon discovered that that "guy" was in fact a girl. We also noticed how every single lesbian/lesbian couple knew every single other lesbian/lesbian couple. It was like a big family reunion. Clearly we were not part of the immediate family, kind of the new kids on the block so to speak.

Oh lesbians, I love you all so much. The gay men have a special place in my heart too. Well, I'll revise that statement. Everyone has a special place in my heart, except haters. They can just go to... somewhere toasty where they will be poked with pitch forks. Nah, I'm not exactly sure what I think happens to people in the afterlife; either people who have led upright, loving lives or people who have spouted hate. It's all for God to decide.

The B-52's were very good. I felt like most of the people in the audience were far more familiar with them that I could ever dream to be. I know Love Shack, and some lyrics to some of their other songs. Otherwise I'm clueless. They were very good, very good at getting the crowd involved.

When Cyndi came on, all hell broke loose. Everyone was singing and dancing and screaming and jumping around (myself included). I'm not going to lie... I did know pretty much every word to every one of her songs, and I let it be known by singing (erm.... screaming) said words the entire time, much to the dismay of the rather intoxicated people in front of me. OH WELL! I LOVE Cyndi, she is SUCH a performer. I've seen Elton John and Celine Dion in concert (so sad that Celine's Vegas show is over...), and Cyndi is definetly right up there with them in terms of the performance she puts on.

They ended the concert by having all the performers come back on stage (including Regina Spektor... by now the people in front of me were horrified by my behaviour and gave me dirty looks, however I continued to scream at the top of my lungs "REGINA I WANT YOUR BABIES!!" and my personal favourite, for anyone who was unsure of my sanity "REGINA WHY WON'T YOU RETURN MY CALLS!!" not that I have ever called her... cause I haven't, but I love creeping people out) for the grand finale. Rosie and Carson and Regina and the B-52's and the Cliks and everybody were all up there, with the great Cyndi, to sing the final song. In the spirit of the concert, and the sum up the message of the concert, they sang "True Colors." Oh how I loved that song. It speaks for all of us, in any given moment of our lives. When we're down and out, we just need a friend or a kind word, or a line in a song or an inch of hope to pull us back up and out of the despair. Well not to worry, I see your true colors, and I know mine, and I'm damn proud. Whether you're straight, gay, bi, trans, whatever you are: BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE!!!!!!!! And respect everyone else for who they are. Peace and Love!

P to the S: the only thing that would have made this night even better would have been Rosie singing the song from A League of Their Own (We're the members of the all American league, we come from cities near and far, we've got Canadians, Irish ones and Swedes we're all for one we're one for all we're all American), or if she had whipped Madonna out of her back pocket or something. Ugh... I really was a gay man born in a Lesbians body, I'm convinced (well besides the fact that I have 0 fashion sense).

P to the SS: I GOT THE JOB!!!!

P to the SSS: I'm going to Disney for the last weekend of Gay Days!!!!!!

P Town!!

Alright, oh my gosh I can barely contain my excitement, wooo gotta chill out.

P Town... it's just... it's so amazing... I don't even have the appropriate word to describe it. Fabulous comes close, but it is truly and sincerely AWESOME. I've had lots of really good days in my life:

Like the time my mother rented a bounce around for me and my friends and we went to town.

Or the time my lacrosse team and I went to the gay bar and got verbally assaulted (in jest of course) by drag queens.

Or the time I went to River Rat in Athol, MA (GOOO!!!! it's SOOO much fun!!).

But honestly, none of that compares to the day I spent in Provincetown with my mother and our friend yesterday.

We woke up between 8-9, were on the road by 9:30. The car ride out to the Cape is between 4-5 hours, and it being a holiday weekend traffic vacillated from sparse to no wiggle room at all. We talked in the car for a good long time, took lots of pictures, made lots of stops. I've only ever been to the Cape really (and I consider the beach to be the Cape, since I go to Nantucket fairly often, but I don't consider that 'The Cape') two or three times. One of those times I was incredibly drunk and passed out in the middle of a street in a residential neighborhood. Good times, but that's a story for another lifetime.

We talked a lot about gay marriage, and how my mother is basically indifferent. She believes in equality but she wouldn't stick her neck out for it, which I find to be without tact but that's just me. Our poor friend is very new to this country and, as far as he knows, has never seen a gay person before. What a shock he had.

We went to the beach in P Town, paid $15 for parked but it was sooo worth it. The water is FREEZING this time of year, but I went in anyway cause I'm a rebel, of course. There were girls in bikinis playing rugby in the sand (a dream come true, I nearly cried with joy) and two mothers with their kids playing in the sand and talking to other parents. The bathrooms were atrocious, naturally.

We went into town after discovering that we really were very hungry. I wish I could remember the name of the restaurant where we ate, but the people were SO friendly. They love their customers, and their customers love them in return. I had fish and chips, which were not very good, but the service made the meal. Our friend kept poking me saying "Hey... is he?" or "Is she..." causing me to burst into a fit of laughter without fail every single time.

The HRC store is amazing, go there. It was simply amazing to me to see so many happy couples walking around, with children or with each other, hand in hand, arm in arm, laughing, smiling, enjoying each others company. To me it really is the most perfect place in the world, where anyone can be themselves.

Unfortunately, because I'm not out to my mother, I couldn't chase after the hot young things walking around in bikinis or kiss the ground every time I saw a rainbow flag waving proudly (not that I would have... but I certainly wanted to).

When we piled into the car to head back home when the sun was just setting over the sand dunes everything felt so right with the world. I wanted every single person there to know that I love them with all my heart, for who they are, for what they are, because they are being themselves. I wanted to stay there forever and bask in its awesomeness, but daytrips, much like vacations or Christmas or high school, must come to an end.

As we were pulling away, my mother touched my shoulder and said "I think you and I were the only two straight women there." A little piece of me died, but hey, if she wants to think I'm straight let her. I'm not hiding it, I wear it proudly, and I haven't dated a boy in four years. Even when I did date boys, it was fairly obvious to everyone that I never really liked them very much romantically. Give me a basketball-playing boy or a swimming boy any day, someone to have fun with or to open up a beer with and talk about women, but other than that boys are pretty useless.

Some part of her must know, and if it doesn't then it's her problem for being blind. Though I've never explicitly told her (and I don't feel I should HAVE to tell anyone), I'm pretty gay. I would describe myself as your almost-stereotypical dyke (in that I love and can very often be found wearing polos and board shorts/long plaid shorts, my hair is never not in a pony tail, I don't let people hold the door for me, I hang out in gay bars, oh and I DATE WOMEN). Basically I fit right in at P Town, except for the stars in my eyes when I walked down the street.

Anyhow, Provincetown is AMAZING. Go. Go with your partner, your kids, your mom, your grandma, your dog, your great aunt Sally, your best friend (ALL your best friends!). I definetly recommend it. Provincetown, you have this dyke's seal of approval!

First Blog WooHoo

Hey so this is my first blog, and I really don't have much to say right now.

Well that's actually not true, I have A LOT to say (and I mean a lot). But before I get to all the fascinating things that I have to share with the world, there are some things I should probably share about myself.
I'm eighteen right now, turning nineteen in mid-June. That doesn't mean I don't have any life experience, trust me I have plenty. Not your typical 'oh my significant other broke my heart' or 'I failed the math exam' bull either. I have life experience, for realz.
My father died of cancer when I was a wee puff of smoke. Cancer is bad, very bad, and we should all be working on a cure instead of fighting wars and killing innocent people with mothers and fathers and babies. We should also be working on a cure for AIDS.
But I don't know anyone who has AIDS, and I'm not going to lie and say I wish I did, because I would probably die of a broken heart.
My mother is a great lady, she works very hard and has made a great life for me. I only hope that some day I can return the favor.
I'm from the East Coast and I go to college in Bostonia, but the city gives me the heeby jeebies so I stay mostly in suburbia.
I play lacrosse, basketball and soccer, and I swim, hike, and bike. I enjoy nature, long aimless car rides, golf courses (but I hate golf, though I'm not opposed to the idea), small animals, large animals, people, things of that nature.
I'm a lesbian, I came out my senior year in high school. Before then I was a lesbian, but I didn't know it yet. I'm out to everyone in my college, but almost no one from high school. I'd like to say that the people who matter know, but my mom doesn't know (neither does the rest of my extended and very close family). I'm relatively certain the polos and birkenstocks give it away. And the fact that I freakin love girls. But mothers can be a little dense. We're going to Pride Week in Disney World this year, perhaps the perfect time to tell her?!?!
I'm not your typical, butched out, crunchy, earth loving, granola bar eating, mullet wearing dyke though. Well that's not very true. I love the earth, and granola. Mullets are the funniest things in the world, but I will never have one. And I'm not especially butch, only a wee bit.
So that's me, in a nutshell. I don't beat around the bush (and I do enjoy some good old fashioned hate on George W. Bush), I tell it like it is or like I want it to be, anyway.
Oh and I support Hillary, even if the media has given up hope. YOU GO GIRL!

So the things I'm going to talk about include: How much narrow-minded people SUCK, Homosexuality in general, coming-out and the trials and tribulations, dealing with being a young adult, college, the sucky economy and my never ending search for employment.

Let me know if I'm annoying too. Hopefully, as posts go on, I'll stop using the work 'I' so much.
MUCH LOVE, stay safe out there!!
- Ray