I'm Not Bitter

If I had a nickel for every time I was treated with disrespect because I am (clearly) a lesbian, I think I'd have maybe 10 cents, but that's pushing it. I don't really recall ever being treated differently in any respect because I'm gay, either better or worse.

I guess I never really expected to be treated differently.

All of my friends parents know (basically everyone knows except my mother, but she's not dumb) and they're all cool about it, very cool in fact. When I came out to each of them, nothing in that relationship changed, which is exactly what I had hoped for.

My roommate's entire family knows, and they're basically the best. I love my roommate and her family to pieces. Couldn't ask for a better roommate.

The whole coming out process for me was kind of like "whoa, I got myself all worked up over nothing?"

But then this has to happen, and I wonder to myself "what the fuck?"

The "this" I am referring to is something that one of my very best friends told me the other day. She and I hang out a lot, and a lot of the time we're hanging out with a bunch of our mutual friends. Some of the time we hang out just the two of us, for no reason other than the fact that sometimes it's nice to hang out one on one instead of having to deal with six people all competing for attention. I make one on one time for all my best friends.

Hope you don't mind that I'm telling your story, I know you're reading this right now.

Anywho, so my friend told me that her grandmother (a very old country Roman Catholic) found out that I'm a lesbian (because it was a big fucking secret, obviously) and doesn't want her to hang out with me anymore. "People will get ideas." What the fuck does that even mean? People will get ideas? If people wanted fucking ideas they would use their heads!

I've been friends with this girl for a very long time, I know her family and they know me. AND SHE'S NOT GAY. Does her grandmother honestly think that I'm going to change her? Or that I have any desire to?? And why the hell does she care what people think? The people in this town who know I'm a lesbian, the only people who would potentially talk about it, first of all DON'T MATTER, and second of all wouldn't talk about it because I'M NOT THE ONLY GAY PERSON IN THIS FUCKED UP TOWN.

And then, her little sister who is a friend of mine, basically asked her if she and I were together because we spend so much time together. Are you kidding me? Is this SERIOUSLY happening?

I'm not in high school anymore, I do not need to deal with this sophomoric bullshit.

I don't understand how or why things like this happen. I can't have friends anymore because obviously if I'm friends with a girl it means I'm in a romantic relationship with her? I can't spend time with the same group of girls I've hung around with since elementary school? I would have been a lesbian whether I came out or not, I was always a lesbian. I was a lesbian when I blew out the candles on my seventh birthday cake, I was a lesbian when I kissed a boy for the first time in the fourth grade, I was a lesbian when I walked across the stage at graduation. I have always been and will always be a lesbian. Would society rather that I stay in the closet and continue to suffer? I don't want the answer to that question, and I refuse to believe the truth.

It hurts so much to know that there are people out there who think of me differently just because I'm gay and just because I'm out and just because I am proud of who I am.

I will never regret coming out, I would have died if I hadn't. The pain of leading a life you weren't meant to lead is far worse than the pain of being made to feel "different."

I wish, more than anything else, that I could talk to my mother about this, and that she could tell me it's all going to be okay. But I don't believe that will ever happen.

I'm a damn good friend to ALL of my friends, the fact that I'm gay shouldn't matter.

I just don't understand.