So I went to Church tonight, as I do every Thursday night in the summer (it's much cooler and less crowded than Sunday morning) and Pastor was starting up and he said something along the lines of the psalms and the hymns have been "gender neutralized."
To which I had to say... since when has the church ever tried to make anything gender neutral? I had no idea that there was any attempt at gender neutrality, in fact I was under the impression that it was the exact opposite. Of course, my pastor is a good man, he isn't sexist or any of that crap and to Pastor, God is completely gender neutral. I simply did not know that the church made any attempt at gender neutrality. I guess when I say church, I mean the Christian community. When I said church, pastor thought I meant the Lutheran Church (big C). Apparently there is a big movement in the Lutheran Church toward gender neutrality in the Bible and the Psalms and the Hymns. Who knew?
Personally, I don't think we should tamper with peoples' words, as much as we might want to tamper with them. I also don't think we live in biblical times anymore and I think we should all get over ourselves and move on.
I just thought it was an interesting little fact that yes, the church (or at least the Lutheran Church) has made great strides towards gender neutrality. Of course, we can never escape the inherent sexism in the Bible, but we can sure as hell try right?
Today was my last day in my summer course, so now I am free! And I'm volunteering, hopefully starting next week, cause I'm not going to deal with job bullshit. I have a job at school that I love and I don't want to deal with job crap at home when I'm only here for a few more weeks really.
In other news, my mother started seeing a therapist today, which I ordinarily wouldn't blog about and which I won't blog about from now on, but I thought something she told me was really funny. She said she was telling the therapist about me and he asked "Does Rachel have a boyfriend" and my mother said "No, she has a girlfriend" and he gave her a look and she said "But that's not why I'm here."
I just thought it was funny, and I'm glad she doesn't think my gay-ness is cause for a mental collapse, if that makes any sense. Too bad I can't blame her mental collapse on teh gay, it might make things easier since it's not something I can change or would ever change for anyone.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Happy Father's Day
It's a day late, but happy Father's Day to everyone out there.
Please please pleaseee hug your fathers while you can, you never know when the last time will be.
Twelve years ago I said happy Father's Day to my daddy for the last time (well, truly I tell him happy Father's Day every year, but he, unfortunately, isn't here to hear me). I'd give almost anything to hug my daddy, for him to play basketball with me again, for him to have a cup of tea with me and my sister, for him to be able to hold his grandchildren.
Just please, call your father, talk to him, hug him. Hug him tight.
Please please pleaseee hug your fathers while you can, you never know when the last time will be.
Twelve years ago I said happy Father's Day to my daddy for the last time (well, truly I tell him happy Father's Day every year, but he, unfortunately, isn't here to hear me). I'd give almost anything to hug my daddy, for him to play basketball with me again, for him to have a cup of tea with me and my sister, for him to be able to hold his grandchildren.
Just please, call your father, talk to him, hug him. Hug him tight.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Updates
I haven't blogged all week because I haven't had much to say or very much on my mind. I got an A on my computer project (one out of three) and next week is my last week or my summer course. I'm pretty excited about passing statistics II and moving on with my life and sticking it to my bitch of a former professor.
I guess it's hard for me to move on from things that have happened recently, and I've been thinking about it a lot and unfortunately probably letting it affect my relationships. I guess the answer to that question is that moving on is in everyone's best interest and just letting go would do wonders for the current and future situations. But how can I move on when I'm so terrified that it's going to happen again? When I've been promised that it won't but I don't know because my trust was destroyed. I have never experienced such hatred in my life, from someone who I love so deeply.
It's hard to not blame yourself when things like that happen. Things changed in a minute and they will never ever be the same. I can't wait to go to London in September and go crazy in Europe and come back and move out for good. I'll never ever let myself be put through that again, I'll never ever let the person I love be put through that again and I'll never ever put the people I love through something like that. Ever.
I'm spending the weekend with Hillary up in MA. Hope everyone has a great weekend, if you're from around here let's hope the weather starts looking better.
I guess it's hard for me to move on from things that have happened recently, and I've been thinking about it a lot and unfortunately probably letting it affect my relationships. I guess the answer to that question is that moving on is in everyone's best interest and just letting go would do wonders for the current and future situations. But how can I move on when I'm so terrified that it's going to happen again? When I've been promised that it won't but I don't know because my trust was destroyed. I have never experienced such hatred in my life, from someone who I love so deeply.
It's hard to not blame yourself when things like that happen. Things changed in a minute and they will never ever be the same. I can't wait to go to London in September and go crazy in Europe and come back and move out for good. I'll never ever let myself be put through that again, I'll never ever let the person I love be put through that again and I'll never ever put the people I love through something like that. Ever.
I'm spending the weekend with Hillary up in MA. Hope everyone has a great weekend, if you're from around here let's hope the weather starts looking better.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
The Weekend From Hell
This was truly the worst weekend of my life and the worst birthday of my entire life. Worse than my ninth birthday, which was a terrible one because my father had died the November before my birthday and he had promised me he would make it to my ninth birthday. But I'm not bitter.
So I was home Friday afternoon when my mother and Naveen came home from work. I had been having a pretty horrible day, mainly because I was just down in the dumps and really would have rather been left alone. So I was carrying my dog downstairs, because Naveen is afraid of dogs and Puppy would have jumped all over him, so I had my arms full and I didn't really say hello to anyone, just because I didn't really care too much.
So I did my stuff, fed the dog, changed my clothes because we were going out to a fancy dinner, and went back to the living room. Then Hillary pulled in to the driveway from her 2 hour drive to CT straight from work and I went out to greet her. I wasn't being especially friendly with her just because I was feeling not myself. So I went inside then Hillary went inside and then we went up to my room so we could change (I wanted to change my shirt for the 15,000th time) and my mother followed us up and began berating me for being "rude" to Naveen. She basically told me that the people at work are rude to him and he felt as though he didn't belong here and that he was unwelcome because of my attitude.
So I went downstairs and my mother was still yelling about it, even though I wasn't being disrespectful of Naveen I just wasn't being myself. When I got downstairs my mother put Naveen on the spot and made him basically tell me how he was feeling. So I got up and went outside for a thought. I was just sitting out there when my mother went outside and continued to bitch at me more. I told her to go to dinner without me.
Then Hillary was sent outside to retrieve me, and I told her I just wanted to sit there and to be left alone, that was all I wanted. So my mother went back outside and I could smell a fight so I told Hillary to make herself scarce. So my mom and I fought some more, and she went inside, but not before telling me that if I didn't go inside in 10 minutes, Hillary had to leave. So Hill went outside so tell me my mother was making her leave, and I said fine I'll go with you. So we went inside and started to pack up our things when my mother burst into my room and screamed at Hillary to "leave her house" and Hillary quickly escaped from my room with her things. My mother slammed the door behind her and I was trapped in my room. I tried to get passed my mother, and I eventually did but not before my mother had broken one of my fingernails in half causing me to bleed everywhere and had choked me so I had red marks all around my neck and I was gasping.
So I grabbed my asthma meds and ran outside to find Hill sobbing on the phone with her mother. We got in her car and drove to a parking lot where my best friend met us and we told her what was going on. Hillary's mom was adament that Hillary drive home immediately and leave me. So Hillary drove me home and she and Kate waited on a side street while I talked to my mother.
My mother apologized and realized what she did was incredibly wrong, too little too late but an apology is an apology. I called Hillary to try to get her to come and discuss things with my mother but she refused and promptly drove away.
At this point I was beside myself because I had no clue what I had done to deserve any of this. I met Hillary in a parking lot with Kate again and I begged her to just hear my mother out, but she refused and said that until my mother and I got help for our issues, we were threw. And she left me there, sobbing. When I needed her the most, she wasn't there for me. The most unforgiveable and devastating part of that night, my twentieth birthday, was that the person I love the most couldn't even be there when I needed her.
So I went home and curled up in a ball, on my twentieth birthday. I couldn't sleep at all that night, and then Hillary called me at four am. We talked and decided to meet at the Peace Abbey in Sherborn, MA (a little over two hour drive for me) at noon. So we did, and Hillary apologized for abandoning me when I needed her most. We made amends and decided we do love each other and we are willing to do whatever it takes to be together.
So we decided to go get some lunch, and we drove back to school where we would consolidate cars and continue on from there. I guess on the way to school Hillary called her mother and told her we had patched things up and everything was okay again when Hillary's mom said that I am not allowed at their house, she is not allowed at my house and if she finds out that we are seeing each other Hillary would be kicked out of their house. Hillary was obviously devastated.
So she went home and went to a friend's house for the night. She went back today and her mother gave her the same ultimatum (backed up by her father) and she decided to leave her home, to take her things, and to move in with a friend until January when she and I are supposed to move in together.
Where I am right now:
She is adament about my mother and I getting help to resolve or come closer to resolving our issues together. What Hillary will never understand is that my mother and I love each other very much, and we have many unresolved issues (as many child parent relationships tend to be).
At this point in my life, I am living under my mother's roof. I am leaving for London in September and when I come back I will be home for a week before I move in to my own apartment, where I will be living until or beyond graduate school. I will never be living in this house again. This house is a crazy environment for me and I dislike it very much here, but I love my mother more than oxygen. This house is no longer my home, it is simple where I was raised and where I have to stay if I want to remain financially afloat for the time being. My mother and I get along much better when we aren't under the same roof.
There is a lot of history between my mother and I, we have many unresolved issues regarding my father's death and a lot of issues regarding me growing up and fleeing the nest so to speak. Hillary seems to have no compassion for the fact that my mother is having a hard time dealing with everything right now.
But she is my mother and I love her and I will stand by her to the death.
I can find another girlfriend, I can find someone else to provide with love and affection and happiness, but I can never find another mother. She is mine and she is all I have in this world.
I will not be told what to do and I will not be handed ultimatums or bullied into making decisions. That may work for Hillary's mother but it does not work for me and it does not work on me. I am my own woman, and so is my mother.
And so I am here, heartbroken, because the whole world is seemingly against me and I did nothing to deserve the treatment I received this weekend. I really truly wish that I could curl up in a ball and just be left alone and never have to face any of this mess that I did nothing to deserve.
Perhaps I'm not cut out for this. I suppose only time will tell. But until time tells, I am here, and I am devastated and alone and lost. If there is ever a time I needed to get down on my knees and pray for an answer, it is now.
I am far more realistic than Hillary's mother in that I know that bad things happen, and sometimes for no reason, but that life always goes on and forgiveness makes the heart so much healthier than to harp away and continue to be angry. I'm not angry anymore.
So I was home Friday afternoon when my mother and Naveen came home from work. I had been having a pretty horrible day, mainly because I was just down in the dumps and really would have rather been left alone. So I was carrying my dog downstairs, because Naveen is afraid of dogs and Puppy would have jumped all over him, so I had my arms full and I didn't really say hello to anyone, just because I didn't really care too much.
So I did my stuff, fed the dog, changed my clothes because we were going out to a fancy dinner, and went back to the living room. Then Hillary pulled in to the driveway from her 2 hour drive to CT straight from work and I went out to greet her. I wasn't being especially friendly with her just because I was feeling not myself. So I went inside then Hillary went inside and then we went up to my room so we could change (I wanted to change my shirt for the 15,000th time) and my mother followed us up and began berating me for being "rude" to Naveen. She basically told me that the people at work are rude to him and he felt as though he didn't belong here and that he was unwelcome because of my attitude.
So I went downstairs and my mother was still yelling about it, even though I wasn't being disrespectful of Naveen I just wasn't being myself. When I got downstairs my mother put Naveen on the spot and made him basically tell me how he was feeling. So I got up and went outside for a thought. I was just sitting out there when my mother went outside and continued to bitch at me more. I told her to go to dinner without me.
Then Hillary was sent outside to retrieve me, and I told her I just wanted to sit there and to be left alone, that was all I wanted. So my mother went back outside and I could smell a fight so I told Hillary to make herself scarce. So my mom and I fought some more, and she went inside, but not before telling me that if I didn't go inside in 10 minutes, Hillary had to leave. So Hill went outside so tell me my mother was making her leave, and I said fine I'll go with you. So we went inside and started to pack up our things when my mother burst into my room and screamed at Hillary to "leave her house" and Hillary quickly escaped from my room with her things. My mother slammed the door behind her and I was trapped in my room. I tried to get passed my mother, and I eventually did but not before my mother had broken one of my fingernails in half causing me to bleed everywhere and had choked me so I had red marks all around my neck and I was gasping.
So I grabbed my asthma meds and ran outside to find Hill sobbing on the phone with her mother. We got in her car and drove to a parking lot where my best friend met us and we told her what was going on. Hillary's mom was adament that Hillary drive home immediately and leave me. So Hillary drove me home and she and Kate waited on a side street while I talked to my mother.
My mother apologized and realized what she did was incredibly wrong, too little too late but an apology is an apology. I called Hillary to try to get her to come and discuss things with my mother but she refused and promptly drove away.
At this point I was beside myself because I had no clue what I had done to deserve any of this. I met Hillary in a parking lot with Kate again and I begged her to just hear my mother out, but she refused and said that until my mother and I got help for our issues, we were threw. And she left me there, sobbing. When I needed her the most, she wasn't there for me. The most unforgiveable and devastating part of that night, my twentieth birthday, was that the person I love the most couldn't even be there when I needed her.
So I went home and curled up in a ball, on my twentieth birthday. I couldn't sleep at all that night, and then Hillary called me at four am. We talked and decided to meet at the Peace Abbey in Sherborn, MA (a little over two hour drive for me) at noon. So we did, and Hillary apologized for abandoning me when I needed her most. We made amends and decided we do love each other and we are willing to do whatever it takes to be together.
So we decided to go get some lunch, and we drove back to school where we would consolidate cars and continue on from there. I guess on the way to school Hillary called her mother and told her we had patched things up and everything was okay again when Hillary's mom said that I am not allowed at their house, she is not allowed at my house and if she finds out that we are seeing each other Hillary would be kicked out of their house. Hillary was obviously devastated.
So she went home and went to a friend's house for the night. She went back today and her mother gave her the same ultimatum (backed up by her father) and she decided to leave her home, to take her things, and to move in with a friend until January when she and I are supposed to move in together.
Where I am right now:
She is adament about my mother and I getting help to resolve or come closer to resolving our issues together. What Hillary will never understand is that my mother and I love each other very much, and we have many unresolved issues (as many child parent relationships tend to be).
At this point in my life, I am living under my mother's roof. I am leaving for London in September and when I come back I will be home for a week before I move in to my own apartment, where I will be living until or beyond graduate school. I will never be living in this house again. This house is a crazy environment for me and I dislike it very much here, but I love my mother more than oxygen. This house is no longer my home, it is simple where I was raised and where I have to stay if I want to remain financially afloat for the time being. My mother and I get along much better when we aren't under the same roof.
There is a lot of history between my mother and I, we have many unresolved issues regarding my father's death and a lot of issues regarding me growing up and fleeing the nest so to speak. Hillary seems to have no compassion for the fact that my mother is having a hard time dealing with everything right now.
But she is my mother and I love her and I will stand by her to the death.
I can find another girlfriend, I can find someone else to provide with love and affection and happiness, but I can never find another mother. She is mine and she is all I have in this world.
I will not be told what to do and I will not be handed ultimatums or bullied into making decisions. That may work for Hillary's mother but it does not work for me and it does not work on me. I am my own woman, and so is my mother.
And so I am here, heartbroken, because the whole world is seemingly against me and I did nothing to deserve the treatment I received this weekend. I really truly wish that I could curl up in a ball and just be left alone and never have to face any of this mess that I did nothing to deserve.
Perhaps I'm not cut out for this. I suppose only time will tell. But until time tells, I am here, and I am devastated and alone and lost. If there is ever a time I needed to get down on my knees and pray for an answer, it is now.
I am far more realistic than Hillary's mother in that I know that bad things happen, and sometimes for no reason, but that life always goes on and forgiveness makes the heart so much healthier than to harp away and continue to be angry. I'm not angry anymore.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Twenty
I'm two decades old today.
Twenty years ago I was twenty years younger than I am currently.
I'm going to see Up today, hopefully it will be uplifting cause this whole getting older thing is really getting old.
Tonight we're going out to celebrate the fact that I have twenty fewer years to live.
Commence quarter life crisis. I'll have to go out and get a sports car and a bad hair piece.
Hope everyone else is having a wonderful June 12 :)
Edit:
Up is a very cute movie, and made me cry like a baby with how adorable it is. However, if you're feeling self conscious about age, don't see Up. Score one for the nursing home, 0 for Rachel. le sigh.
Twenty years ago I was twenty years younger than I am currently.
I'm going to see Up today, hopefully it will be uplifting cause this whole getting older thing is really getting old.
Tonight we're going out to celebrate the fact that I have twenty fewer years to live.
Commence quarter life crisis. I'll have to go out and get a sports car and a bad hair piece.
Hope everyone else is having a wonderful June 12 :)
Edit:
Up is a very cute movie, and made me cry like a baby with how adorable it is. However, if you're feeling self conscious about age, don't see Up. Score one for the nursing home, 0 for Rachel. le sigh.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
One
It's just one of those days I s'pose, one of those days where you have a song stuck in your head and a thought stuck in your heart and there's no sense fighting the feeling cause fighting gets you nowhere (silly). Now if only the weather would cooperate with my mood, everything would be golden.
I've just seen a face - Brandi Carlile
I've just seen a face - Brandi Carlile
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Where are We Going?
I got an A on my first STAT II exam of the summer session. Shove that in your pipe and smoke it, she who is to remain nameless (my ex-stats professor from my real college where I don't have to pay a grand per course d;lsfhd;rfhdsfs *obscenities*).
Rachel Maddow looks really tired tonight... le sigh. I'm pretty tired too. Tired of people hating each other and people fighting and killing peoples' fathers and mothers and sisters and brothers and friends. God bless that man who gave his life at the Holocaust Museum today (I'm well aware that he likely unknowingly gave his life, but he died defending the lives of innocent people and that's a hero) and God have mercy on the man who killed him.
I guess it's my opinion that, if we raise our children to be understanding, accepting, forgiving and embracing human beings (kind of like that being we are constantly killing and fighting and dying in the name of), the world will be a significantly better place than it currently is. In Catholic school when I was very young they taught us "do as I say and not as I do" (they also taught us "children are to be seen and not heard" which is probably the most traumatic thing anyone can ever say to a child), well it simply doesn't work that way. I learn from what I observe and I mimic the people I consider to be infallible.
So long as there are people in this world who will kill people simply because they disagree with a group of people, or for no good reason at all, this world IS hell, and these people continue to make it that way.
Where are we going? I guess I don't understand what extremists want, do they just want everyone to be as miserable and hateful as them? Don't they see that, even if their fantasies did come true and the world was rid of the people who make them tick, that they would still be hollow human beings searching for something to make them whole?
On a lighter note:
Maddows dead straight people and live gay people joke just totally threw me off, she's a real hoot that one is.
I'm turning 20 on Friday... oi my knees are already killing me. This getting older thing is really getting old. I know I'm full of shit but I'm so darn cute, and modest too.
Just live for today
Rachel Maddow looks really tired tonight... le sigh. I'm pretty tired too. Tired of people hating each other and people fighting and killing peoples' fathers and mothers and sisters and brothers and friends. God bless that man who gave his life at the Holocaust Museum today (I'm well aware that he likely unknowingly gave his life, but he died defending the lives of innocent people and that's a hero) and God have mercy on the man who killed him.
I guess it's my opinion that, if we raise our children to be understanding, accepting, forgiving and embracing human beings (kind of like that being we are constantly killing and fighting and dying in the name of), the world will be a significantly better place than it currently is. In Catholic school when I was very young they taught us "do as I say and not as I do" (they also taught us "children are to be seen and not heard" which is probably the most traumatic thing anyone can ever say to a child), well it simply doesn't work that way. I learn from what I observe and I mimic the people I consider to be infallible.
So long as there are people in this world who will kill people simply because they disagree with a group of people, or for no good reason at all, this world IS hell, and these people continue to make it that way.
Where are we going? I guess I don't understand what extremists want, do they just want everyone to be as miserable and hateful as them? Don't they see that, even if their fantasies did come true and the world was rid of the people who make them tick, that they would still be hollow human beings searching for something to make them whole?
On a lighter note:
Maddows dead straight people and live gay people joke just totally threw me off, she's a real hoot that one is.
I'm turning 20 on Friday... oi my knees are already killing me. This getting older thing is really getting old. I know I'm full of shit but I'm so darn cute, and modest too.
Just live for today
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