I haven't blogged all week because I haven't had much to say or very much on my mind. I got an A on my computer project (one out of three) and next week is my last week or my summer course. I'm pretty excited about passing statistics II and moving on with my life and sticking it to my bitch of a former professor.
I guess it's hard for me to move on from things that have happened recently, and I've been thinking about it a lot and unfortunately probably letting it affect my relationships. I guess the answer to that question is that moving on is in everyone's best interest and just letting go would do wonders for the current and future situations. But how can I move on when I'm so terrified that it's going to happen again? When I've been promised that it won't but I don't know because my trust was destroyed. I have never experienced such hatred in my life, from someone who I love so deeply.
It's hard to not blame yourself when things like that happen. Things changed in a minute and they will never ever be the same. I can't wait to go to London in September and go crazy in Europe and come back and move out for good. I'll never ever let myself be put through that again, I'll never ever let the person I love be put through that again and I'll never ever put the people I love through something like that. Ever.
I'm spending the weekend with Hillary up in MA. Hope everyone has a great weekend, if you're from around here let's hope the weather starts looking better.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
The Weekend From Hell
This was truly the worst weekend of my life and the worst birthday of my entire life. Worse than my ninth birthday, which was a terrible one because my father had died the November before my birthday and he had promised me he would make it to my ninth birthday. But I'm not bitter.
So I was home Friday afternoon when my mother and Naveen came home from work. I had been having a pretty horrible day, mainly because I was just down in the dumps and really would have rather been left alone. So I was carrying my dog downstairs, because Naveen is afraid of dogs and Puppy would have jumped all over him, so I had my arms full and I didn't really say hello to anyone, just because I didn't really care too much.
So I did my stuff, fed the dog, changed my clothes because we were going out to a fancy dinner, and went back to the living room. Then Hillary pulled in to the driveway from her 2 hour drive to CT straight from work and I went out to greet her. I wasn't being especially friendly with her just because I was feeling not myself. So I went inside then Hillary went inside and then we went up to my room so we could change (I wanted to change my shirt for the 15,000th time) and my mother followed us up and began berating me for being "rude" to Naveen. She basically told me that the people at work are rude to him and he felt as though he didn't belong here and that he was unwelcome because of my attitude.
So I went downstairs and my mother was still yelling about it, even though I wasn't being disrespectful of Naveen I just wasn't being myself. When I got downstairs my mother put Naveen on the spot and made him basically tell me how he was feeling. So I got up and went outside for a thought. I was just sitting out there when my mother went outside and continued to bitch at me more. I told her to go to dinner without me.
Then Hillary was sent outside to retrieve me, and I told her I just wanted to sit there and to be left alone, that was all I wanted. So my mother went back outside and I could smell a fight so I told Hillary to make herself scarce. So my mom and I fought some more, and she went inside, but not before telling me that if I didn't go inside in 10 minutes, Hillary had to leave. So Hill went outside so tell me my mother was making her leave, and I said fine I'll go with you. So we went inside and started to pack up our things when my mother burst into my room and screamed at Hillary to "leave her house" and Hillary quickly escaped from my room with her things. My mother slammed the door behind her and I was trapped in my room. I tried to get passed my mother, and I eventually did but not before my mother had broken one of my fingernails in half causing me to bleed everywhere and had choked me so I had red marks all around my neck and I was gasping.
So I grabbed my asthma meds and ran outside to find Hill sobbing on the phone with her mother. We got in her car and drove to a parking lot where my best friend met us and we told her what was going on. Hillary's mom was adament that Hillary drive home immediately and leave me. So Hillary drove me home and she and Kate waited on a side street while I talked to my mother.
My mother apologized and realized what she did was incredibly wrong, too little too late but an apology is an apology. I called Hillary to try to get her to come and discuss things with my mother but she refused and promptly drove away.
At this point I was beside myself because I had no clue what I had done to deserve any of this. I met Hillary in a parking lot with Kate again and I begged her to just hear my mother out, but she refused and said that until my mother and I got help for our issues, we were threw. And she left me there, sobbing. When I needed her the most, she wasn't there for me. The most unforgiveable and devastating part of that night, my twentieth birthday, was that the person I love the most couldn't even be there when I needed her.
So I went home and curled up in a ball, on my twentieth birthday. I couldn't sleep at all that night, and then Hillary called me at four am. We talked and decided to meet at the Peace Abbey in Sherborn, MA (a little over two hour drive for me) at noon. So we did, and Hillary apologized for abandoning me when I needed her most. We made amends and decided we do love each other and we are willing to do whatever it takes to be together.
So we decided to go get some lunch, and we drove back to school where we would consolidate cars and continue on from there. I guess on the way to school Hillary called her mother and told her we had patched things up and everything was okay again when Hillary's mom said that I am not allowed at their house, she is not allowed at my house and if she finds out that we are seeing each other Hillary would be kicked out of their house. Hillary was obviously devastated.
So she went home and went to a friend's house for the night. She went back today and her mother gave her the same ultimatum (backed up by her father) and she decided to leave her home, to take her things, and to move in with a friend until January when she and I are supposed to move in together.
Where I am right now:
She is adament about my mother and I getting help to resolve or come closer to resolving our issues together. What Hillary will never understand is that my mother and I love each other very much, and we have many unresolved issues (as many child parent relationships tend to be).
At this point in my life, I am living under my mother's roof. I am leaving for London in September and when I come back I will be home for a week before I move in to my own apartment, where I will be living until or beyond graduate school. I will never be living in this house again. This house is a crazy environment for me and I dislike it very much here, but I love my mother more than oxygen. This house is no longer my home, it is simple where I was raised and where I have to stay if I want to remain financially afloat for the time being. My mother and I get along much better when we aren't under the same roof.
There is a lot of history between my mother and I, we have many unresolved issues regarding my father's death and a lot of issues regarding me growing up and fleeing the nest so to speak. Hillary seems to have no compassion for the fact that my mother is having a hard time dealing with everything right now.
But she is my mother and I love her and I will stand by her to the death.
I can find another girlfriend, I can find someone else to provide with love and affection and happiness, but I can never find another mother. She is mine and she is all I have in this world.
I will not be told what to do and I will not be handed ultimatums or bullied into making decisions. That may work for Hillary's mother but it does not work for me and it does not work on me. I am my own woman, and so is my mother.
And so I am here, heartbroken, because the whole world is seemingly against me and I did nothing to deserve the treatment I received this weekend. I really truly wish that I could curl up in a ball and just be left alone and never have to face any of this mess that I did nothing to deserve.
Perhaps I'm not cut out for this. I suppose only time will tell. But until time tells, I am here, and I am devastated and alone and lost. If there is ever a time I needed to get down on my knees and pray for an answer, it is now.
I am far more realistic than Hillary's mother in that I know that bad things happen, and sometimes for no reason, but that life always goes on and forgiveness makes the heart so much healthier than to harp away and continue to be angry. I'm not angry anymore.
So I was home Friday afternoon when my mother and Naveen came home from work. I had been having a pretty horrible day, mainly because I was just down in the dumps and really would have rather been left alone. So I was carrying my dog downstairs, because Naveen is afraid of dogs and Puppy would have jumped all over him, so I had my arms full and I didn't really say hello to anyone, just because I didn't really care too much.
So I did my stuff, fed the dog, changed my clothes because we were going out to a fancy dinner, and went back to the living room. Then Hillary pulled in to the driveway from her 2 hour drive to CT straight from work and I went out to greet her. I wasn't being especially friendly with her just because I was feeling not myself. So I went inside then Hillary went inside and then we went up to my room so we could change (I wanted to change my shirt for the 15,000th time) and my mother followed us up and began berating me for being "rude" to Naveen. She basically told me that the people at work are rude to him and he felt as though he didn't belong here and that he was unwelcome because of my attitude.
So I went downstairs and my mother was still yelling about it, even though I wasn't being disrespectful of Naveen I just wasn't being myself. When I got downstairs my mother put Naveen on the spot and made him basically tell me how he was feeling. So I got up and went outside for a thought. I was just sitting out there when my mother went outside and continued to bitch at me more. I told her to go to dinner without me.
Then Hillary was sent outside to retrieve me, and I told her I just wanted to sit there and to be left alone, that was all I wanted. So my mother went back outside and I could smell a fight so I told Hillary to make herself scarce. So my mom and I fought some more, and she went inside, but not before telling me that if I didn't go inside in 10 minutes, Hillary had to leave. So Hill went outside so tell me my mother was making her leave, and I said fine I'll go with you. So we went inside and started to pack up our things when my mother burst into my room and screamed at Hillary to "leave her house" and Hillary quickly escaped from my room with her things. My mother slammed the door behind her and I was trapped in my room. I tried to get passed my mother, and I eventually did but not before my mother had broken one of my fingernails in half causing me to bleed everywhere and had choked me so I had red marks all around my neck and I was gasping.
So I grabbed my asthma meds and ran outside to find Hill sobbing on the phone with her mother. We got in her car and drove to a parking lot where my best friend met us and we told her what was going on. Hillary's mom was adament that Hillary drive home immediately and leave me. So Hillary drove me home and she and Kate waited on a side street while I talked to my mother.
My mother apologized and realized what she did was incredibly wrong, too little too late but an apology is an apology. I called Hillary to try to get her to come and discuss things with my mother but she refused and promptly drove away.
At this point I was beside myself because I had no clue what I had done to deserve any of this. I met Hillary in a parking lot with Kate again and I begged her to just hear my mother out, but she refused and said that until my mother and I got help for our issues, we were threw. And she left me there, sobbing. When I needed her the most, she wasn't there for me. The most unforgiveable and devastating part of that night, my twentieth birthday, was that the person I love the most couldn't even be there when I needed her.
So I went home and curled up in a ball, on my twentieth birthday. I couldn't sleep at all that night, and then Hillary called me at four am. We talked and decided to meet at the Peace Abbey in Sherborn, MA (a little over two hour drive for me) at noon. So we did, and Hillary apologized for abandoning me when I needed her most. We made amends and decided we do love each other and we are willing to do whatever it takes to be together.
So we decided to go get some lunch, and we drove back to school where we would consolidate cars and continue on from there. I guess on the way to school Hillary called her mother and told her we had patched things up and everything was okay again when Hillary's mom said that I am not allowed at their house, she is not allowed at my house and if she finds out that we are seeing each other Hillary would be kicked out of their house. Hillary was obviously devastated.
So she went home and went to a friend's house for the night. She went back today and her mother gave her the same ultimatum (backed up by her father) and she decided to leave her home, to take her things, and to move in with a friend until January when she and I are supposed to move in together.
Where I am right now:
She is adament about my mother and I getting help to resolve or come closer to resolving our issues together. What Hillary will never understand is that my mother and I love each other very much, and we have many unresolved issues (as many child parent relationships tend to be).
At this point in my life, I am living under my mother's roof. I am leaving for London in September and when I come back I will be home for a week before I move in to my own apartment, where I will be living until or beyond graduate school. I will never be living in this house again. This house is a crazy environment for me and I dislike it very much here, but I love my mother more than oxygen. This house is no longer my home, it is simple where I was raised and where I have to stay if I want to remain financially afloat for the time being. My mother and I get along much better when we aren't under the same roof.
There is a lot of history between my mother and I, we have many unresolved issues regarding my father's death and a lot of issues regarding me growing up and fleeing the nest so to speak. Hillary seems to have no compassion for the fact that my mother is having a hard time dealing with everything right now.
But she is my mother and I love her and I will stand by her to the death.
I can find another girlfriend, I can find someone else to provide with love and affection and happiness, but I can never find another mother. She is mine and she is all I have in this world.
I will not be told what to do and I will not be handed ultimatums or bullied into making decisions. That may work for Hillary's mother but it does not work for me and it does not work on me. I am my own woman, and so is my mother.
And so I am here, heartbroken, because the whole world is seemingly against me and I did nothing to deserve the treatment I received this weekend. I really truly wish that I could curl up in a ball and just be left alone and never have to face any of this mess that I did nothing to deserve.
Perhaps I'm not cut out for this. I suppose only time will tell. But until time tells, I am here, and I am devastated and alone and lost. If there is ever a time I needed to get down on my knees and pray for an answer, it is now.
I am far more realistic than Hillary's mother in that I know that bad things happen, and sometimes for no reason, but that life always goes on and forgiveness makes the heart so much healthier than to harp away and continue to be angry. I'm not angry anymore.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Twenty
I'm two decades old today.
Twenty years ago I was twenty years younger than I am currently.
I'm going to see Up today, hopefully it will be uplifting cause this whole getting older thing is really getting old.
Tonight we're going out to celebrate the fact that I have twenty fewer years to live.
Commence quarter life crisis. I'll have to go out and get a sports car and a bad hair piece.
Hope everyone else is having a wonderful June 12 :)
Edit:
Up is a very cute movie, and made me cry like a baby with how adorable it is. However, if you're feeling self conscious about age, don't see Up. Score one for the nursing home, 0 for Rachel. le sigh.
Twenty years ago I was twenty years younger than I am currently.
I'm going to see Up today, hopefully it will be uplifting cause this whole getting older thing is really getting old.
Tonight we're going out to celebrate the fact that I have twenty fewer years to live.
Commence quarter life crisis. I'll have to go out and get a sports car and a bad hair piece.
Hope everyone else is having a wonderful June 12 :)
Edit:
Up is a very cute movie, and made me cry like a baby with how adorable it is. However, if you're feeling self conscious about age, don't see Up. Score one for the nursing home, 0 for Rachel. le sigh.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
One
It's just one of those days I s'pose, one of those days where you have a song stuck in your head and a thought stuck in your heart and there's no sense fighting the feeling cause fighting gets you nowhere (silly). Now if only the weather would cooperate with my mood, everything would be golden.
I've just seen a face - Brandi Carlile
I've just seen a face - Brandi Carlile
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Where are We Going?
I got an A on my first STAT II exam of the summer session. Shove that in your pipe and smoke it, she who is to remain nameless (my ex-stats professor from my real college where I don't have to pay a grand per course d;lsfhd;rfhdsfs *obscenities*).
Rachel Maddow looks really tired tonight... le sigh. I'm pretty tired too. Tired of people hating each other and people fighting and killing peoples' fathers and mothers and sisters and brothers and friends. God bless that man who gave his life at the Holocaust Museum today (I'm well aware that he likely unknowingly gave his life, but he died defending the lives of innocent people and that's a hero) and God have mercy on the man who killed him.
I guess it's my opinion that, if we raise our children to be understanding, accepting, forgiving and embracing human beings (kind of like that being we are constantly killing and fighting and dying in the name of), the world will be a significantly better place than it currently is. In Catholic school when I was very young they taught us "do as I say and not as I do" (they also taught us "children are to be seen and not heard" which is probably the most traumatic thing anyone can ever say to a child), well it simply doesn't work that way. I learn from what I observe and I mimic the people I consider to be infallible.
So long as there are people in this world who will kill people simply because they disagree with a group of people, or for no good reason at all, this world IS hell, and these people continue to make it that way.
Where are we going? I guess I don't understand what extremists want, do they just want everyone to be as miserable and hateful as them? Don't they see that, even if their fantasies did come true and the world was rid of the people who make them tick, that they would still be hollow human beings searching for something to make them whole?
On a lighter note:
Maddows dead straight people and live gay people joke just totally threw me off, she's a real hoot that one is.
I'm turning 20 on Friday... oi my knees are already killing me. This getting older thing is really getting old. I know I'm full of shit but I'm so darn cute, and modest too.
Just live for today
Rachel Maddow looks really tired tonight... le sigh. I'm pretty tired too. Tired of people hating each other and people fighting and killing peoples' fathers and mothers and sisters and brothers and friends. God bless that man who gave his life at the Holocaust Museum today (I'm well aware that he likely unknowingly gave his life, but he died defending the lives of innocent people and that's a hero) and God have mercy on the man who killed him.
I guess it's my opinion that, if we raise our children to be understanding, accepting, forgiving and embracing human beings (kind of like that being we are constantly killing and fighting and dying in the name of), the world will be a significantly better place than it currently is. In Catholic school when I was very young they taught us "do as I say and not as I do" (they also taught us "children are to be seen and not heard" which is probably the most traumatic thing anyone can ever say to a child), well it simply doesn't work that way. I learn from what I observe and I mimic the people I consider to be infallible.
So long as there are people in this world who will kill people simply because they disagree with a group of people, or for no good reason at all, this world IS hell, and these people continue to make it that way.
Where are we going? I guess I don't understand what extremists want, do they just want everyone to be as miserable and hateful as them? Don't they see that, even if their fantasies did come true and the world was rid of the people who make them tick, that they would still be hollow human beings searching for something to make them whole?
On a lighter note:
Maddows dead straight people and live gay people joke just totally threw me off, she's a real hoot that one is.
I'm turning 20 on Friday... oi my knees are already killing me. This getting older thing is really getting old. I know I'm full of shit but I'm so darn cute, and modest too.
Just live for today
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Truly I Tell You
I wasn't a Christian all my life, in fact today is the four year anniversary of my baptism into the faith.
I'm not a born again, though I suppose you could say that I was born again in Christ. I'm a Lutheran.
I believer wholeheartedly in God (in whatever form you choose God to take), I believe that Jesus is the Son of God, I believe the Bible was written by individuals who heard the Word of God, through whom God spoke to the people and continues to speak today.
I also believe the Bible is the single most misinterpreted piece of literature in the history of the world, or perhaps more accurately the single piece of literature that has caused the most strife and bloodshed in the history of the world.
When I read the Bible, my heart feels full because it's like I am talking to God. God is telling me how much s/he loves me. I have a similar experience when I am hiking or when I am swimming or when I look into the faces of children. The Bible gives me a sense of being overwhelmingly full and at peace, knowing that everything is going to be okay because God, the most powerful being ever, loves me personally. You may disagree and say that God does not exist, and that is your prerogative to believe or not believe or to believe something different, it is a wonderful free country we have here. But every time a rain drop falls on my cheek or I look into my niece's bright blue eyes I know for a fact that God exists, and s/he is good.
But some people don't feel full when they read the Bible. Some people feel so empty that they feel the need to make other people empty, and so they tear others down, they tell others they are going to hell, they fight and they kill and they do it all in God's name. They read the Word, and they see that they have sinned, but they forget that God loves them and they will be forgiven, so they take all of their regret and all of their anger toward themselves and they turn it out into the world. These people are in our churches, our schools, our offices, our neighbourhoods. They are our uncles, our sisters, our mothers, our best friends. They are the ones who feel a deep shame within themselves when they read the Word, and take that shame and do harm to others with it.
Well I won't be shamed by you anymore, nor will I let my friends and loved ones be shamed by you either. From this day forward I pledge that I will love and be loved by God and I will believe in Jesus just as He believes in me because it's my right as an American to believe what I want and it's my responsibility as a Christian to spread the Good News, take it or leave it. I will go about my life, freely and honestly, and I won't make anyone feel bad about themselves just because I am insecure and I won't use the Bible to sway the opinions of others or as a code of law for my country, "free of the bias of religion."
It's been four years, and it took me four years to learn that I'm not doing anything wrong by living my life. So long as I mind my business, give back when and where I can, love everyone I possibly can and always believe, I'll be saved.
I hope those people who would damn me or say that I am a sinner will see the light of reason before it is too late for them. I have faith.
John 3:17 "For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him"
I'm not a born again, though I suppose you could say that I was born again in Christ. I'm a Lutheran.
I believer wholeheartedly in God (in whatever form you choose God to take), I believe that Jesus is the Son of God, I believe the Bible was written by individuals who heard the Word of God, through whom God spoke to the people and continues to speak today.
I also believe the Bible is the single most misinterpreted piece of literature in the history of the world, or perhaps more accurately the single piece of literature that has caused the most strife and bloodshed in the history of the world.
When I read the Bible, my heart feels full because it's like I am talking to God. God is telling me how much s/he loves me. I have a similar experience when I am hiking or when I am swimming or when I look into the faces of children. The Bible gives me a sense of being overwhelmingly full and at peace, knowing that everything is going to be okay because God, the most powerful being ever, loves me personally. You may disagree and say that God does not exist, and that is your prerogative to believe or not believe or to believe something different, it is a wonderful free country we have here. But every time a rain drop falls on my cheek or I look into my niece's bright blue eyes I know for a fact that God exists, and s/he is good.
But some people don't feel full when they read the Bible. Some people feel so empty that they feel the need to make other people empty, and so they tear others down, they tell others they are going to hell, they fight and they kill and they do it all in God's name. They read the Word, and they see that they have sinned, but they forget that God loves them and they will be forgiven, so they take all of their regret and all of their anger toward themselves and they turn it out into the world. These people are in our churches, our schools, our offices, our neighbourhoods. They are our uncles, our sisters, our mothers, our best friends. They are the ones who feel a deep shame within themselves when they read the Word, and take that shame and do harm to others with it.
Well I won't be shamed by you anymore, nor will I let my friends and loved ones be shamed by you either. From this day forward I pledge that I will love and be loved by God and I will believe in Jesus just as He believes in me because it's my right as an American to believe what I want and it's my responsibility as a Christian to spread the Good News, take it or leave it. I will go about my life, freely and honestly, and I won't make anyone feel bad about themselves just because I am insecure and I won't use the Bible to sway the opinions of others or as a code of law for my country, "free of the bias of religion."
It's been four years, and it took me four years to learn that I'm not doing anything wrong by living my life. So long as I mind my business, give back when and where I can, love everyone I possibly can and always believe, I'll be saved.
I hope those people who would damn me or say that I am a sinner will see the light of reason before it is too late for them. I have faith.
John 3:17 "For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him"
Wisdom
I think one of my wisdom teeth is coming in... mmm not cool. I'm not sure though, because my far back molars hurt sometimes, which I just attribute to the fact that I have two wisdom teeth (one on the top on the left and one on the bottom on the right) and they're just chilling. Le sigh, I fear this may be the real deal, so to speak.
I've been wanting to say something about the Air France jet that apparently was lost at sea between Brazil and France. Well, I was praying really hard for those poor people, as I'm sure most people were. It's such a tragedy. People who did nothing wrong, just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.
I'm a firm believer that when your number is up, your number is up. But it just doesn't seem at all fair. I guess nothing is fair, but their families didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.
I hope they're all at peace and their families can find peace, it doesn't get easier when a close loved one dies but the pain does dull over time.
Peace to everybody out there, happy Thursday!
Turpentine - Brandi Carlile
I've been wanting to say something about the Air France jet that apparently was lost at sea between Brazil and France. Well, I was praying really hard for those poor people, as I'm sure most people were. It's such a tragedy. People who did nothing wrong, just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.
I'm a firm believer that when your number is up, your number is up. But it just doesn't seem at all fair. I guess nothing is fair, but their families didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.
I hope they're all at peace and their families can find peace, it doesn't get easier when a close loved one dies but the pain does dull over time.
Peace to everybody out there, happy Thursday!
Turpentine - Brandi Carlile
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