Thurs a Storm A'Brewin

(That's Bryce Canyon, definitely worth the trip if you ever get the chance. I found it more impressive than the Grand Canyon.)

I feel slightly guilty about this weather... It's totally all my fault.

I left Massachusetts blanketed with snow yesterday, ice everywhere you stepped, hard snow crunching beneath your sandals (everyone wears sandals in the snow, right?). Today, Connecticut is being pelted with winter storm Austin. I know Connecticut, it's all my fault, I am eternally sorry.

Personally, I am indifferent to snow. It was fun when I was younger and I could run outside and roll around in it and build snow people, and my big black dog Candy would jump through the snow piles and chase snow flakes (she had a few loose nuts and bolts in the attic). Now it's just... work. Well, at home it's work, because although my mother assures me she can do it herself (and she does and can, as much as that pains me), I like to be useful. And so I shovel, in my sweatpants and my sneakers because I haven't owned snowpants or boots since middle school.

Good luck to everyone in their shoveling pursuits today and tomorrow! If you could, say a prayer for my friend on his way home to Ireland (his flight is this evening out of Boston and I doubt that he'll be leaving on time) that his flight isn't terribly delayed and that it is safe.

Oh, and say one for Hillary and her family and friends too and everyone out there in East Jesus Nowhere, Massachusetts. A lot of them are still without power as a result of the ice storms, and it's a terrible time to be without heat. If there is anything you wish for for Christmas, wish that everyone can be happy, safe and warm.

Commence Winter Break

Today was move out day, the official end of Fall Semester '08. Next stop, Spring '09! It's very bittersweet, because I've wanted to be home so badly for so long, to be with the animals and spend time with the madre and my friends. But I have a life at school, I have friends who I will miss dearly and who I can't call up at any given time and tell them to meet me at the starbucks in the centre of town. I have a girlfriend who I won't see for several weeks, if not a month, because she lives close to three hours away. I'm very torn in different directions.

Alls I know is, I'M GOING TO DISNEY NEXT WEEK FOR CHRISTMAS! We're taking the madre's friend from India and meeting my aunt and uncle down there and spending 5 days there around the holiday. I love Christmas in Disney. If there is any place I'd like to be to celebrate anything, it's Disney World. Except, I like celebrating the birth of Christ at Church, and I'm sad I'll be missing it this year because it's my pastor's last year here, but Disney will be nice.

This time last year the entire family was gathering itself together and meeting down in Disney (at the beginning on January, not over Christmas, that would have been chaos) for the 10 year anniversary of my father's death, and a super huge celebration of his life. His grandchildren were there, his daughters were there, his wife and former wife was there, his nieces and nephews and their children, his brothers and sisters in law. It was epic. I miss those days.

I feel like I have two lives, two lives which converge every so often, but for the most part remain in their separate spheres. It's a strange feeling, but I'm going to miss it when it's gone.

So now I'm home, in CT, pondering my naval and doing nothing but job hunting, going to Disney, and missing my absent friends, and missing Hillary even though it's only been a few hours since we said goodbye. But, I am LOVING the fact that I don't have to deal with statistics or research methods for a whole month. Absolutely loving it.

Bigger Than Me

Life is amazing to me. Seeing my little niece of nephew up on that monitor today, wiggling his or her little arms and legs, his or her little heart pounding away, definitely gave me a different perspective. We're so small, and yet so significant.

I can't wait for the little one to be here, to see the little hands and feet I saw up on that monitor, to hold those little hands.

Everything has been so overwhelming lately. School work is consuming my life, exams will be over on Thursday and then the semester ends and winter break begins. Home for a month of searching for work, hanging out with my friends, and missing Hillary. I've never experienced anything that feels like this before, and it's all so overwhelming. She looks in my eyes and I know she is sincere, and I can see that she can see that I probably definitely love her. I feel so vulnerable, but I like it.

It scares me that she is a senior, and that we live in different states, and that she will be graduating and going to graduate school and forgetting about the girl she is leaving behind. I don't think she will forget about me, though, because I know I won't forget about her. She makes me smile so big, and laugh so much. She holds my hand in front of her friends, she listens to what I have to say about my life, she can hear the joy and the pain, and she holds me and suddenly everything melts away and it's just life, and it's just love.

This love thing is so much bigger than me.

Calling All Angels

This was quite possibly the laziest weekend of my life, or at least my incredibly chaotic life as of late. Hillary (my girlfriend) and I played house all weekend (she made me cinnebuns in bed), went to the macaroni grill on Friday where we proceeded to eat none of our food (even though we hadn't eaten all day and we had both had exams) and near fall asleep at the table to the point where our waiter (Marc was a cool dude) was concerned about us, and tonight we went to Fridays and ate the first meal since Thursday. It was a good weekend, Hillary and I get along very well and we have a lot of fun. I've never been able to laugh and be silly with someone I was dating before, maybe it's the mark of an adult relationship, or maybe Hillary and I just have something special.

I told her I have never been in love, and I don't know what love feels like. The deepest love I've ever felt is the love I have for my niece and nephew. When I held my niece for the first time in the hours after she was born, I looked God in the face, and He smiled back. That's the realest love I've ever felt in my life. I'm very clueless about romantic love. All I know is that when I look in Hillary's eyes, the rest of the world melts away and it's just us, and complete happiness. I don't know if love is complete happiness, I don't know if love is aching when you know you won't see her for an extended period of time, I don't know if love is taking her hand and running through freezing parking lots laughing, singing David Bowie and Cher until 4 am, watching stupid movies, but not caring, because we're together. I don't know if it's love, but I like it.

Tomorrow I'm going to the Brigham with my sister and my nephew for her ultrasound. I'm so excited that words can't even express my sheer joy. I've never been to an ultrasound before, and I'm probably going to weep. I love these kids so much that it hurts.

Wish me luck, that I don't weep too much and make a fool of myself.

Being Auntie Rachel

I'M GOING TO BE AN AUNT AGAIN!! Number three is on his or her way. He or she is at 11 weeks right now, so fingers crossed everyone!! My sister has had a lot of trouble remaining pregnant, and we are very lucky for my niece and nephew. This little one will be a blessing indeed!!

I'm so happy, and so procrastinating by blogging right now instead of studying and writing term papers (which is why my posts are so sporadic). I can't wait to hold the little one in six months!!!!

Life

So I guess a lot has transpired that I haven't blogged about, mainly because it's all been happening leaving no time for blogging.

First of all, today is the big Christmas concert (today at 3:30) and the big semester dance (tonight at 10). I had absolutely no idea that I was supposed to be playing in this concert until Tuesday of this week, when the person who runs the small ensemble I'm involved with on campus said he would have to fail me if I didn't show up (meanwhile all semester he had known I wasn't intending on going to the concert because instrumentalists have no set in the concert, so there is literally no point at all in my being there because they hire a full orchestra and I will merely be in the background). So that was that, I'm pretty pissed about it actually but I'm going anyway. I have to be down there at 11:45 and until then I'm working on homework (clearly) and practicing my violin. What I would like to know is, how can he threaten to fail me when it's a pass fail course that no one even gets credit for. Basically it's a club that shows upon your transcript. Fuckin ridiculous.

The dance is tonight and it should be a great time. I'm going with this girl from my research methods class who I asked to go with me way back when, and this other girl (from my lacrosse team) who I bought at the date auction the week before Thanksgving for 17 bucks, her date (also from the lacrosse team) who she bought at the date auction for 13 bucks, and that girl's date (her best friend). It's basically one big shenanigan. It's actually really funny because I'm not even technically going with my girlfriend, who is technically going with my best friend (also from the lacrosse team). I think she is a little concerned about me going with the girl from my research methods class (who would do basically anything for attention and who hits shamelessly on me all the time) but it'll be fine. Everybody will have a good time.

So yeah, I thought about some stuff and figured out my confusion, and now there is very little left to be confused about. I told her that I know she's a senior, and she'll be graduating and she has a life and she might not even like girls (though she assures me she likes me, she doesn't know if it's just me or if it's that she is really bisexual or gay), but that at this point in time right here and right now I want to be with her, and only her. It's causing a very small ruckus amongst our groups of friends, for example my best friend from school (her roommate) basically hates her guts because she talks about me all the time, and one of her best friends who never got along with me has for all intents and purposes abandoned her as a friend. It's an odd situation but it is what it is. Like she says, we care about each other and that's all that matters. She's a great person and I consider myself very fortunate to be spending time with her and getting to know her on a different level than when we were just friends.

Sick

I hardly ever get sick, but when I do I give being sick a whole new meaning.

Tuesdays are my lightests days, thankfully, or else I would probably be in a puddle of tears right now.

I'm super congested, I wish someone would just rip my throat out so it would stop hurting, I feel like my head is probably going to explode. I just feel generally not okay at all, and the scary part is that it feels like it's going to be getting worse before it gets better.

I don't want to get anyone sick, and I particularly don't want to get anyone sick or still be sick before this weekend (there's a party Friday night and a big fancy semiformal dance on Saturday).

I look forward to coming back to my room after class and just sleeping.