Much Better

I just needed some time. Obviously things aren't 100%, and who knows they might not be for a very long time, but I'm thinking right now I'm at around 50-75%. I can't let it get me down because I need to focus on my life, my studies and my future.

I can't just sit around and wallow all day, nor do I want to. Tomorrow night I'm going out drinking with one of my best friends, Thursday night I'm probably doing the same, and this weekend is going to be a shitshow (the Berlin Fair in CT, if you're in the area you should go, it's a little on the hillbilly side but it's fantastic). I'm 21 years old and I have to do me, and if others try and get me down I just have to cut them out of my life. It's hard because we live together, and because I want to be her friend and so much of me wants to go back to being in a romantic relationship with her, but I can't force anything right now. The only thing I can force is the smile on my face, whether faked or genuine. There are people in my life who need me to be strong and need me to keep trudging uphill, and so that's what I'm going to do. And some day I'm going to get back to the top of the hill, look down and say "I made it home."

For right now I feel like I'm three people trapped in one person's body (not like dissociative identity disorder or anything), and it's kind of funny because it took this huge blow out break up to make me see it. I feel like the person I was before I studied abroad, the person I was when I was abroad, and the person I am not (post-study abroad) are all battling it out to see who will get to control me. I grew up so much when I was abroad, enough to see that some things matter less than others (especially at 21 years). I learned that when you fall, sometimes the only person who can pick you up is you, no matter who tries to grad your hand and pull you up. The person I used to be though didn't know those things, was very dependent and immature. When I was abroad I shined it on like I was brave, but inside I was terrified more often then not. So now I have the kid, the coward, and the adult fighting for the claim over my personality.

The only thing all three of those people have in common is that eventually, maybe not right away but eventually, they all accept what is happening and learn to deal. And if that isn't a blessing I don't know what is.

So life isn't great right now, but it is good and it is real and here and everything wonderful. I believe I've said before that to feel anything, be it pain, anger, joy, fear, or any of the multitude of adjectives to describe human emotion, is not truly the "point" in life. The point in life is to feel anything and everything and appreciate the gift of emotion for what it is. If we are feeling, we are alive.