Well You'll Never Find It, If You're Looking For It

My mom is leaving for India this evening at 10:25. 10:25 on the East Coast is 3:25 am in London. I'll be sound asleep.

I had a nightmare last night that my mother died. I'll spare you to morbid details. It was so scary that I opened my eyes abruptly and stared at my ceiling for hours, wondering... what would I do if something were to happen to her?

I couldn't handle being an orphan.

Sometimes I feel orphaned in this whole thing with my mom's friend Naveen. It's not fair that he has two parents, a brother who has a wife and a son, a sister who has a husband and a son, dozens of cousins with families and children, all of whom he considers to be his immediate family. It's not fair that he has taken my mother from me, the only person I have. Sure I have aunts and uncles and cousins. I have a sister and a brother-in-law and two nieces and a nephew. All those people love me, but no one loves me like my mom. We've been through so much together, it's impossible for anyone to truly understand our relationship. It's impossible to articulate how much I love my mother, despite all of the terrible things she's put me through (I know I put her through a lot in the not too distant past, as well). It's like loving someone or something so much that your heart might rip open.

But then Naveen came into the picture, and slowly took her away from me. I feel so helpless, like I'm standing on the beach, and a riptide has come and swept my only parent away from me.

It's like having my father die all over again.

November 21st will be twelve years. I have no anniversary for when my mother was taken away from me. And I can't even mourn her loss without being called crazy, but I do mourn for her. She's going to a strange country, not even to a major city but to a tiny village. Naveen's parents have never even left their village. My mother will be treated as a woman, which means she won't be respected at all. She will be respected even less because she is "unmarried," even though she was once married. She will be treated, effectively, as a teenaged girl: worthless. And she is willingly going to this country. She is getting on a plane for 18 hours to fly to a country where she will be treated like an outcast, like a stray dog.

She'll be there until December 5th. I feel like I will have many nights of laying awake for hours, staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep, unwilling to sleep when sleep only brings dreams of torturous things.

I feel completely and totally alone. No one understands, no one tries to understand or wants to understand. It is utterly heartbreaking to have this happen and be unable to prevent it. I'm powerless. This is my least favourite feeling in the world.

I hope she has a safe flight, a comfortable journey, and that she comes home safely.