How Does It Feel to be a Problem?

"Between me and the world there is ever an unasked question: unaksed by some through feelings of delicacy; by others through the difficulty of right framing it. All, nevertheless, flutter round it. They approach me in a half-hesitant sort of way, eye me curiously or compassionately, and then, instead of saying directly, How does it feel to be a problem? they say, I know an excellent colored man in my town; or, I fought at Mechanicsville; or, Do not these Southern outrages make your blood boil? At these I smile, or am interested, or reduce the boiling to a simmer, as the occasion may require. To the real question, How does it feel to be a problem? I answer seldom a word." - W.E.B. DuBois

I'm taking an African American Lit course, and so far I love it. The professor is pretty fantastic, and I'm kind of a celebrity in the English department (and super modest too), so the professor loves me. My creative writing prof from first semester last year must have told her about me (my creative writing professor and I are biffs). I found this quote in one of the readings for this class and I think it's fantastic because it's applicable to any situation, or the struggle of any group. I'm not African American, but I do know how it feels to be made to feel like a problem by everyone around you. The quote just really spoke to me.

My statistics professor is completely insane (in a good way) and we get along really well. She's very... bouncy? I think would be a good way of describing her. She bounces from topic to topic, from thought to thought, very casually. It works, and she's a good professor, but the flow of her thoughts is remarkable to me. During the first class she was trying to memorise names and when she got to me she said I look "mature." I'm not exactly sure how to take that. I know I am mature for my age, at the same time I'm not always mature. I know when to have a good time and when to be serious (don't we all?). She also commented on my "marriage is so gay" t-shirt, saying that she hoped I didn't mean it in the derogatory sense. My friend turned to me and whispered "no lady, it just means she's wicked gay." She'll get to know me though.

I'm taking a pretty heavy course load this semester. Thankfully I'm taking these courses this semester and now next semester, because having 20 credits (from difficult classes) during lacrosse season would completely suck. School before lax, so I wouldn't play. I'm not even sure if I am going to play this year, as much as I want to. We have a new coach, and it's not going to be all nature walks and passing for fun and horsing around like it was last year. Granted we did work hard, but our new coach is going to run us into the ground this year. I need to get to the gym more and start being serious.

In any event, I have a lot on my mind in terms of school, music and lax as of late. There's also this girl and she is really cute, and I'm trying to figure out what to do with that. My issue isn't that I don't have confidence; my issue is that I don't know what I want. The interim between wanting the world and wanting to scorn commonalities. It's a scary place to be.