Identity

A lot has happened since my last post, so I'll try to summarize.

I went to New York City with five of my best friends for my best gay boyfriend's 20th birthday. It was a great day in the city, we went to Central Park and Times Square and had a really expensive meal and went to the Museum of Natural History. The bgbf and I saw Avenue Q and it was AMAZING. All in all it was a great, but very long, day, and all of us were ready to go home and not see each other for a long time afterwards.

Unfortunately my best friend and I (not the bgbf) are not longer speaking to each other. We've been best friends for at least 13 years and we got into an argument and she decided we can't be friends anymore. After crying about it for no less than a day, I have decided that I'm better off without her. She is the love of my life (in a not romantic way at all) and she is my soulmate. Being without her for long periods of time is like going without oxygen, like living in a house of carbon dioxide. Eventually I will suffocate. Until she comes around and sees that we need each other, I'm pretty broken hearted. But, like my mom told me when I sobbingly asked "Isn't loving someone enough?" sometimes loving something, in fact often times, isn't enough. And that's all I have to say about that.

The madre and I saw Celine Dion in Boston at the TD Bank North Garden. The concert was AWESOME!! Nothing like True Colors, if you ask me, but it certainly was awesome. Celine Dion really really REALLY knows how to put on a show. I'd be hard pressed to find a better entertainer out there. It was good to get away for a while too and spend some quality time with the madre.

I've been trying to explain to the bgbf and my roommate how I am feeling right now. Everyone knows that I have a broken heart as a result of the break up with my best friend, and everyone is being very nice about it.

But lately I've been feeling really really weird. Not about anything external but about sometimes inside me that I can't really explain. It's really hard to articulate but I'm going to try here.

I've always considered myself feminine, and I have lots of feminine qualities. For example, I use girl shampoo, I wear girl clothes (most of the time), I feel more comfortable with long hair (though I've always wanted to try short hair), I have a girl's voice, I have a girl's shape, etc. etc.

But I don't feel like that's me anymore. I don't want a girl's shape, and I never did. I HATED when in fifth grade things started to change. Girls and boys weren't basically the same anymore. I couldn't hang out wit my guy friends the way I used to. They didn't want to wrestle with me anymore because they were worried they would hurt me, or they thought I had cooties (even though I never had cooties cause I was always just one of the guys). They didn't want to sit around and talk about girls with me anymore because I had BECOME a girl. For the longest time I was just one of the guys, we talked about how silly girls were and how tough we were. We got into fist fights just for fun, to prove how strong we were to one and other.

I was a girl scout, and I loved going on retreats into cabins in the deep woods, sleeping on a mattress on the floor surrounded by a room full of girls. I played softball and soccer. I was first base in softball, and I was goalie in soccer (most of the time, my position varied as the years went on). I enjoyed the time I spent with girls, and eventually I managed to weed out having to be around guys (except for "boyfriends" and their friends, and the guys I was in orchestra with who were like brothers).

I took on a persona in high school that I absolutely hated. Up until then I was the biggest tomboy ever. I had the anything you can do I can do better attitude and I owned it. My cousin cried once because she wanted to get me a makeup kit for Christmas and I wanted a t-ball set. During middle school, she got me the makeup kit, and I still have it, with the same makeup from middleschool in it.

I don't want to wear girly clothes, I don't want to dress up. I don't want to wear skirts and dresses and frills and tweed. I want to be flat chested like I was before the fifth grade, with no curves, and nothing to make someone believe I'm just some chick. I'm not just some chick.

I want to cut my hair short and I was strong arms. I want more tattoos. I want to be the embodiment of androgeny.

I bought a new sports bra today and I was wearing it under my grateful dead t-shirt. I walked past my mother in the kitchen and she said "I like that one, it doesn't flatten you."

First, I was mortified because my mother was checking me out. Ick. Then, I was upset because I only get sports bras that I believe will flatten me. This one, clearly, is not going to serve the purpose I intended for it. Then I was kind of happy because that means the other ones that I wear do serve their purposes.

In any event, I feel like this might be a big year for change. Last year was a big year for change, but this year might be the finishing touches. Maybe it's all a big process that we're never done with. Gender expression is never ending I suppose.

I guess the long and short of what I am trying to say is that I always considered myself feminine (femme if you're into that kind of terminology) but I don't think that's me anymore. I don't think that ever really was me. I am the same tomboy I was before the fifth grade. Maybe they don't call us tomboys anymore. Maybe tomboys who also happen to be lesbians are called queer? I'm not sure. I always called things that were weird "queer," and only recently heard it used to describe anything that wasn't heterosexual and "normal."

So maybe I'm becoming the big scary queer lesbian I never thought I would be. It's hard to go through things like this and not have anyone to bounce ideas off of. I wish someone would just say to me: It's okay to want to cut your hair short, hair will grow back. It's okay to wear tight sports bras. It's okay to wear boy shorts and boy swim trunks and t-shirts. It's okay to not allow anyone to hold the door for you or to treat you like some kind of girl. I'm not some kind of girl. I'm just me.