I'm thinking about the love of my life, the things I want so badly to tell her. But she can't understand them now, and she shouldn't be expected to. I wish she knew she was the most important thing in my life. So, in lieu of actually telling her in some way, shape or form how much I love her, I'll write her a letter she will never read. Here goes nothing.
To My Favorite Girl,
You've grown up so much since I first held you close at the hospital. You were so tiny, and my hands were so big. I felt as though you might break. I felt as though my heart might break, overflowing with all that love. But I held you close, and looked into your little wrinkled face. You looked back at me, and your little eyes were lit up with the same spark so present in your grandfather's eyes. God he would have loved you so much.
It seems like only yesterday that Nana and I drove up to the hospital to see you for the first time. We weren't there the day your brother was born (I think we were in Ireland, there is a good excuse in any event). I never bonded with him the way I did with you.
You're growing up so fast, too fast if you ask me. I can still pick you up and hold you high, and swing you around. I can still hold you close when you're scared, or sit with you in the crook of my arm while I read you a story and you drift off the sleep. I just want to hold your little hand forever and ever, and keep all the scariness of the world away from you. I want to defend you against mean kids, to be at all your games and all your little concerts. I want to catch you before you go over the cliff, I want to save you. I want to make absolutely sure that you are always safe.
But I want you to live. I want you to learn so much that you don't think you could possibly learn any more, until you do, and then you discover that you haven't even scratched the surface. I want you to know all about Shakespeare and James Joyce and write your own epic stories. I want you to learn about quantum physics and things I will never understand. I want you to graduate at the top of your class, get a full scholarship to the school of YOUR dreams (yours and no one elses'), get an advanced degree and an excellent job. Most of all I want you to be happy, and I want you to be free. I want your mommy and daddy to love you like Nana and Grandpa loved me, and I know they do.
There is no distance between us that is too great. I will always be here for you: when you are contemplating a tattoo, when you had your first break-up, when you made your first really big mistake and you can't bring yourself to go home quite yet. I'm here for you.
I want you to know that I love you, more than anyone or anything else in this world. I love you more than my life. When I hear your squeeky little voice on the other end of the telephone, or get a card from you in the mail, or see your head pop over the windowsill at your house, everything is completely right with the world.
I hope you learn so much in kindergarten, and that you make lots of new friends. I secretly hope you discover that you love the violin, and follow in my footsteps. I'm trying so hard to not get ahead of myself here.
Please stay five years old forever? Stay sweet and innocent and young. Love your life, love yourself. Respect your parents, respect yourself.
You teach me something new about life and myself every time I see you. You're one of the most amazing people that I know.
I'll finish with what I said to you when I had to say goodbye to you for the first time: So long kid, see you in a little while.
I love you so much.
- Auntie Rachel
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
The Lovers, the Dreamers and Me
Why are people so angry? Maybe the better question is why are people so angry in God's name?
I'm not perfect and I never professed to being perfect. God made me the way I am, just like He made you the way you are. We are made in the image of Love, and therefore we should LOVE each other.
The Bible says a lot of shit, and I will be the first to say a lot of it upsets me. I think maybe the best way to describe the Bible is to compare it to a modern day individual who goes around trying to please everyone. You simply cannot please everyone, and that is the Bible's major flaw.
I don't really feel like getting into the Bible's shortcomings. We all have shortcomings.
That is organized religion's major flaw (and I'm not just talking about Christianity here, I'm talking about all of it). Islam SAYS it wants everyone, just like Christianity and Judaism and all of the other major world religions. You don't START a religion for one group of people, just like you don't FOUND a country for one group of people. You don't see people walking around with pointy hats and funny looking pants talking about the winter and the Indians anymore.
Religions and nations aren't founded for the present time. People are mortal, fallible, ignorant, and only here for the present. We have no concept of time outside of ourselves. God is the ultimate embodiment of time, God has no time constraints and no restrictions.
God wasn't made for black people, or white people, of straight people, or Gay people. God wasn't made for men, and God wasn't made for woman. God MADE all of us, we have NO RIGHT, absolutely NO RIGHT to act as though we understand God in any capacity. We can never understand God. We can't even understand ourselves, how could we possibly ever understand God? That's not to say that speculation isn't okay, because it is. We are human, we are thinkers. God gave us brains for a reason, and if we use those brains to will God away from our lives, that is our prerogative. However, if we use those brains to elevate ourselves above others, we are defeating the purpose of faith: all inclusion. I'm not better than an athiest because I'm a Christian. I'm not better than a homeless person because I'm from the middle class. No one is better than anyone else, because everyone came from the same place, and will eventually return to that place. And we all have the right to our own beliefs and opinions, and should share those beliefs and opinions because that is why we have brains, and that is why we have mouths to speak and ears the listen. We should use our ears more often, maybe we would learn something.
It's so hilariously disappointing to me that we as a world still hold ourselves to the same standard as the people who lived in Biblical times. We don't live to be 600 years old, and then we die. Most of us don't tend sheep for our livelihoods, have 15 kids in the hopes that at least 1 will live on and carry on our DNA.
Not many people these days disclose dicussions with God to the public. If you hear God, and you talk about it, it's probably your ticket to the mental hospital.
Why can't people just look outside themselves for ONE MINUTE and see how small their lives are?
Don't quote the Bible at me and tell me I'm a sinner and that I need to repent. Don't spout your hate at me. Hate has no place in the Bible, hate has no place in ANY body of faith. Faith isn't founded on hate, and it isn't built over hate. God is love, whether you believe God is an actual entity, a living person, multiple people, an idea, or NOTHING AT ALL. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU BELIEVE AS LONG AS YOU BELIEVE SOMETHING.
We ARE a great people! Together we are beautiful and our lives are meaningful. I believe that no matter what you believe, we are all a part of the same family, and we are all just trying to live. We live until we die, and we all die. Is it so much to ask to just be allowed to live?
I can't love you because I'm a woman? I can't love you because I'm white? I can't love you because I'm gay?
This is me saying I will love YOU until it hurts. I will love without anger and in God's name.
The Bible is a book, just like any other. God didn't write the Bible, God never wrote anything. God never said that anything in particular was a sin. We know in our hearts and our minds what is right and wrong. Trust yourself and your rationality and you are trusting God.
I'm not perfect and I never professed to being perfect. God made me the way I am, just like He made you the way you are. We are made in the image of Love, and therefore we should LOVE each other.
The Bible says a lot of shit, and I will be the first to say a lot of it upsets me. I think maybe the best way to describe the Bible is to compare it to a modern day individual who goes around trying to please everyone. You simply cannot please everyone, and that is the Bible's major flaw.
I don't really feel like getting into the Bible's shortcomings. We all have shortcomings.
That is organized religion's major flaw (and I'm not just talking about Christianity here, I'm talking about all of it). Islam SAYS it wants everyone, just like Christianity and Judaism and all of the other major world religions. You don't START a religion for one group of people, just like you don't FOUND a country for one group of people. You don't see people walking around with pointy hats and funny looking pants talking about the winter and the Indians anymore.
Religions and nations aren't founded for the present time. People are mortal, fallible, ignorant, and only here for the present. We have no concept of time outside of ourselves. God is the ultimate embodiment of time, God has no time constraints and no restrictions.
God wasn't made for black people, or white people, of straight people, or Gay people. God wasn't made for men, and God wasn't made for woman. God MADE all of us, we have NO RIGHT, absolutely NO RIGHT to act as though we understand God in any capacity. We can never understand God. We can't even understand ourselves, how could we possibly ever understand God? That's not to say that speculation isn't okay, because it is. We are human, we are thinkers. God gave us brains for a reason, and if we use those brains to will God away from our lives, that is our prerogative. However, if we use those brains to elevate ourselves above others, we are defeating the purpose of faith: all inclusion. I'm not better than an athiest because I'm a Christian. I'm not better than a homeless person because I'm from the middle class. No one is better than anyone else, because everyone came from the same place, and will eventually return to that place. And we all have the right to our own beliefs and opinions, and should share those beliefs and opinions because that is why we have brains, and that is why we have mouths to speak and ears the listen. We should use our ears more often, maybe we would learn something.
It's so hilariously disappointing to me that we as a world still hold ourselves to the same standard as the people who lived in Biblical times. We don't live to be 600 years old, and then we die. Most of us don't tend sheep for our livelihoods, have 15 kids in the hopes that at least 1 will live on and carry on our DNA.
Not many people these days disclose dicussions with God to the public. If you hear God, and you talk about it, it's probably your ticket to the mental hospital.
Why can't people just look outside themselves for ONE MINUTE and see how small their lives are?
Don't quote the Bible at me and tell me I'm a sinner and that I need to repent. Don't spout your hate at me. Hate has no place in the Bible, hate has no place in ANY body of faith. Faith isn't founded on hate, and it isn't built over hate. God is love, whether you believe God is an actual entity, a living person, multiple people, an idea, or NOTHING AT ALL. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU BELIEVE AS LONG AS YOU BELIEVE SOMETHING.
We ARE a great people! Together we are beautiful and our lives are meaningful. I believe that no matter what you believe, we are all a part of the same family, and we are all just trying to live. We live until we die, and we all die. Is it so much to ask to just be allowed to live?
I can't love you because I'm a woman? I can't love you because I'm white? I can't love you because I'm gay?
This is me saying I will love YOU until it hurts. I will love without anger and in God's name.
The Bible is a book, just like any other. God didn't write the Bible, God never wrote anything. God never said that anything in particular was a sin. We know in our hearts and our minds what is right and wrong. Trust yourself and your rationality and you are trusting God.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Everything I Ever Needed
Music has been my lifeblood for many, many years. It kept me sane on any number of occasions, and pushed me to the brink on others. The adrenaline rush of performance, of being seen and heard, is something I fear and crave simultaneaously. I absolutely hate being in front of large groups of people (or even small groups of people for that matter). It's not that I fear rejection, because I could care less if they didn't like the way I played or the things I had to say. I fear my own interpretation of what I do. If what I do is not perfect in my eyes (perhaps it's not perfect in the eyes of others, but I obviously don't know that unless they tell me) I keep picking at what was, and picking and picking so the scab never heals. It's not just music, it's everything. It sounds kind of OCD, and maybe it is some variation of OCD but it's not terrible. It simply is.
I can live with performing to the best of my ability, to writing to the best of my ability, to being the best friend I can be, etc. I try so hard at everything that I do, and often find myself completely depleted of energy, which makes me kind of useless. So how do I renew my energy? Where can I cut back so that I am not running on empty?
Music is and has been my life. But I just don't see myself playing with my school ensemble this year. I can't STAND how small it is, for one thing. I was always in a big orchestra, well funded, but where every member was still appreciated as an individual.
I need to take some time out and find out for myself where music stands in my life. Does it remain what it is and has been for me? Or do I find a new direction? I can't imagine my life without music, and I don't want to. But I also don't want to put myself through what I went through last year with this particular ensemble.
I guess we'll see what happens.
A life without music is a fate worse than death.
Besides being slightly lost in terms of my musical goals for the coming year, I'm basically ecstatic. School starts in six days.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwNSYplomMA
That song describes how I'm feeling right now (and also my lack of ability at posting videos... I suck). Nothing's gonna bring me down.
I can live with performing to the best of my ability, to writing to the best of my ability, to being the best friend I can be, etc. I try so hard at everything that I do, and often find myself completely depleted of energy, which makes me kind of useless. So how do I renew my energy? Where can I cut back so that I am not running on empty?
Music is and has been my life. But I just don't see myself playing with my school ensemble this year. I can't STAND how small it is, for one thing. I was always in a big orchestra, well funded, but where every member was still appreciated as an individual.
I need to take some time out and find out for myself where music stands in my life. Does it remain what it is and has been for me? Or do I find a new direction? I can't imagine my life without music, and I don't want to. But I also don't want to put myself through what I went through last year with this particular ensemble.
I guess we'll see what happens.
A life without music is a fate worse than death.
Besides being slightly lost in terms of my musical goals for the coming year, I'm basically ecstatic. School starts in six days.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwNSYplomMA
That song describes how I'm feeling right now (and also my lack of ability at posting videos... I suck). Nothing's gonna bring me down.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Granma: the Wee Voice in Yar Head
If I could invoke the voice of my late mad Irish granma "Jayzus Christ Almighty whut is going on in this world" (just imagine that to be the most Irish accent you've ever heard).
I don't understand why people do the things they do, particularly kids. I do a lot of weird things, and I still act like a kid some of the time (well, a lot of the time... but not a bad kid), but teenagers do A LOT of fucking weird things.
I never intentionally didn't tell my mother where I was going or what I was up to. Sometimes it just happens that we forget to fill the rents in, which is totally understandable every once in a while. "Running away" or whatever, SO not cool. Not cool AT ALL.
Long story short, one of my friends decided to not go home last night, and to lie to her mother about where she was (saying she was at my house after she got out of work, and that she slept over another one of our friend's house). So her mother called all of us frantic, looking for her. The short version of the story is that she is home now, she doesn't sound at all happy, but I guess that is to be expected.
I just do not understand what goes through peoples' heads sometimes. I'm very worried about her, but I totally understand if her mother whoops her ass. I would if I were her mother. I feel like saying a thing or two to her as it is, out of concern. I just don't understand.
I saw the movie "Bent" today. It made me weep something fierce. It's about the Nazi persecution of homosexuals during the Holocaust. If you've never been to the Holocaust museum in DC, go, it's... simply amazing. I've been twice. I cry every time I read the part where the all the people of Denmark, even the KING, wore yellow stars so that the Nazis couldn't take everyone. I think that is one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard. And it's so simple! There is no excuse for the catastrophic loss of life as a result of Nazi idealogy. There is no excuse for any loss of life that isn't natural (though I am pro choice). But I'm not going to go off into a tangent.
My mom had polio when she was a child. She has blonde hair and blue eyes, but she walks with a limp. She's walked with a limp since she came down with polio when she was fifteen months old. She would have been killed. Undesireable.
Okay that was a tangent. "Bent" is just an awesome movie, not one of the best that I've seen, but it is very moving. I think it tries too hard to be moving, which was my biggest issue with it. Also, there are some parts that I find to be in poor taste. On the whole, though, it really is an awesome movie. Definetly worth watching.
Sometimes I wish everyone had a crazy Irish granma to talk them off the roof, even if she's only in your head saying "Yar gonna get yar ass whooped when you come down from there!"
I don't understand why people do the things they do, particularly kids. I do a lot of weird things, and I still act like a kid some of the time (well, a lot of the time... but not a bad kid), but teenagers do A LOT of fucking weird things.
I never intentionally didn't tell my mother where I was going or what I was up to. Sometimes it just happens that we forget to fill the rents in, which is totally understandable every once in a while. "Running away" or whatever, SO not cool. Not cool AT ALL.
Long story short, one of my friends decided to not go home last night, and to lie to her mother about where she was (saying she was at my house after she got out of work, and that she slept over another one of our friend's house). So her mother called all of us frantic, looking for her. The short version of the story is that she is home now, she doesn't sound at all happy, but I guess that is to be expected.
I just do not understand what goes through peoples' heads sometimes. I'm very worried about her, but I totally understand if her mother whoops her ass. I would if I were her mother. I feel like saying a thing or two to her as it is, out of concern. I just don't understand.
I saw the movie "Bent" today. It made me weep something fierce. It's about the Nazi persecution of homosexuals during the Holocaust. If you've never been to the Holocaust museum in DC, go, it's... simply amazing. I've been twice. I cry every time I read the part where the all the people of Denmark, even the KING, wore yellow stars so that the Nazis couldn't take everyone. I think that is one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard. And it's so simple! There is no excuse for the catastrophic loss of life as a result of Nazi idealogy. There is no excuse for any loss of life that isn't natural (though I am pro choice). But I'm not going to go off into a tangent.
My mom had polio when she was a child. She has blonde hair and blue eyes, but she walks with a limp. She's walked with a limp since she came down with polio when she was fifteen months old. She would have been killed. Undesireable.
Okay that was a tangent. "Bent" is just an awesome movie, not one of the best that I've seen, but it is very moving. I think it tries too hard to be moving, which was my biggest issue with it. Also, there are some parts that I find to be in poor taste. On the whole, though, it really is an awesome movie. Definetly worth watching.
Sometimes I wish everyone had a crazy Irish granma to talk them off the roof, even if she's only in your head saying "Yar gonna get yar ass whooped when you come down from there!"
Friday, August 22, 2008
Pushing the Town Away
It's not September 1 yet...
I keep promising myself that I'm not wishing my life away... but I so am... Cause I just want it to be college so badly right now!!
College is the ULTIMATE vacation, none of this relaxing bullshit or people dressed up in mouse costumes or laying around doing nothing. College is just so freakin cool!!
You wake up when you want (or when you have to, if you're one of THOSE types who actually goes to class), you eat what you want, you hang out with whomever you want to, and you do whatever you feel like doing in your free time.
Your mom isn't going to catch you sneaking into the dorm at 2 am. You don't even have to sneak! Nobody cares!
You can sleep outside if you want to (though I wouldn't recommend it, and it definetly depends on where you go to school). Laying out on the hill in front of my school is my absolute favorite thing to do. Just lay on the grass and watch the stars.
You're only in class for a few hours a day, and then when you're not, the time is yours. Study if you want, go to the gym if you want, go to practice if you want, or be like me and go to the mall.
No but in all seriousness, I'm a straight A student, and I take my instrument and my sport pretty seriously. I'm the kid who lives in the computer room until 2 am every morning (see Ma, I was only sneaking into the house after studyinggg). But I'm damn proud of my ability to balance school, music, sports, and a really freakin awesome social life.
I miss my friends, I miss my life. I'm beyond excited about getting back to school. I'm also really excited because the courses I'm taking are more in-depth. I really really REALLY love the things that I'm learning, and I can't wait to learn more. I want to know everything there is to know about everything! Except maybe not, some mystery is always good I s'pose.
I'm pretty upset that Kathy Griffin wasn't on last night, pretty upset indeed. I had a tea party with my friends (like we do almost every Thursday when we watch Kathy) and everything, and then... no Kathy. The Cho Show was on, though, and it paled in comparison to Kathy, but Margaret Cho is a pretty funny chick.
Rob (bgbf) wants to dress in drag on Monday. And go out in public. Like... he wants to wear a dress and heels, and he wants me to wear a "nice boy outfit." I'm pretty much completely in love with this idea, except for the fact that we know most of the people in our town, and they know us, and people love to talk in our town. It should be interesting in any event, we'll see if it actually happens.
My best friend goes back to school (to band camp LOL) on this coming Wednesday and we (my other two best friends and I) are planning on visiting her, cause she has some kind of fancy pants apartment type thing. And we're all starved for college and would kill fight or die for even a little taste right about now.
9 days?!?!?! I think yes!
I keep promising myself that I'm not wishing my life away... but I so am... Cause I just want it to be college so badly right now!!
College is the ULTIMATE vacation, none of this relaxing bullshit or people dressed up in mouse costumes or laying around doing nothing. College is just so freakin cool!!
You wake up when you want (or when you have to, if you're one of THOSE types who actually goes to class), you eat what you want, you hang out with whomever you want to, and you do whatever you feel like doing in your free time.
Your mom isn't going to catch you sneaking into the dorm at 2 am. You don't even have to sneak! Nobody cares!
You can sleep outside if you want to (though I wouldn't recommend it, and it definetly depends on where you go to school). Laying out on the hill in front of my school is my absolute favorite thing to do. Just lay on the grass and watch the stars.
You're only in class for a few hours a day, and then when you're not, the time is yours. Study if you want, go to the gym if you want, go to practice if you want, or be like me and go to the mall.
No but in all seriousness, I'm a straight A student, and I take my instrument and my sport pretty seriously. I'm the kid who lives in the computer room until 2 am every morning (see Ma, I was only sneaking into the house after studyinggg). But I'm damn proud of my ability to balance school, music, sports, and a really freakin awesome social life.
I miss my friends, I miss my life. I'm beyond excited about getting back to school. I'm also really excited because the courses I'm taking are more in-depth. I really really REALLY love the things that I'm learning, and I can't wait to learn more. I want to know everything there is to know about everything! Except maybe not, some mystery is always good I s'pose.
I'm pretty upset that Kathy Griffin wasn't on last night, pretty upset indeed. I had a tea party with my friends (like we do almost every Thursday when we watch Kathy) and everything, and then... no Kathy. The Cho Show was on, though, and it paled in comparison to Kathy, but Margaret Cho is a pretty funny chick.
Rob (bgbf) wants to dress in drag on Monday. And go out in public. Like... he wants to wear a dress and heels, and he wants me to wear a "nice boy outfit." I'm pretty much completely in love with this idea, except for the fact that we know most of the people in our town, and they know us, and people love to talk in our town. It should be interesting in any event, we'll see if it actually happens.
My best friend goes back to school (to band camp LOL) on this coming Wednesday and we (my other two best friends and I) are planning on visiting her, cause she has some kind of fancy pants apartment type thing. And we're all starved for college and would kill fight or die for even a little taste right about now.
9 days?!?!?! I think yes!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Girls like Us are Impossible to Find
Puppy is sleeping in the sun. Sometimes she stretches and adjusts her position, letting out little sighs. I can't really look at her without blinding myself. The sunshine is like a halo around her.
She understands me so well. Sometimes I'll just be sitting in a chair, or laying on the grass outside, and Puppy will come along and paw at my hand, or nuzzle my face. She likes being level with me. When I am standing, she stands up, leaning with her two front feet on me, staring up into my face. When I lay on the grass or the floor she goes into fits of joy, for whatever reason. She always wants to be close to me, and it seems like she can never be close enough.
I understand what she wants. She doesn't have to bark at me, or whimper. She doesn't speak any verbal language. But she doesn't just exist either.
She just came and laid her head in my lap and looked up at me with her big brown eyes.
Why can't people exist like this? Why is it so easy to know how an animal is feeling, and yet so impossible to tell what a person is feeling? Is it really impossible, or do we just set up blinders for other people? Or do we just not care?
Everything is right with the world when she's with me.
I had a coffee date with my best friend today. The one who I got into a fight with almost exactly a week ago that ended with her breaking up our 13 year long friendship.
We decided that we really can't live without each other, and that we have a lot of work to do, but that we need each other. Life is ridiculously lonely without each other, even if we can't see each other every day. Knowing the other person is just a phone call away makes all the difference.
Much like with Puppy, everything is right with the world when Kate is with me.
I hope we outgrow this weird limbo our relationship had found itself in as of late. We're not the best friends we have been since the first grade, but we're not the friends who call each other a couple times a year to check in and say 'hey.' We need to figure out what we both want and need out of this relationship, and then things will be alright. I just want the transition from "best friends forever" to "hey, what have you been up to in the last year?" to be smoother than it has been.
I know we can't be the same girls who shared every secret, who when one got in trouble the other was right there with her, who were basically inseparable from the age of 7 on, but we can still be friends. They don't call us Kratechel for nothing.
This growing up thing is really, really hard.
Nine days until life goes back to normal.
She understands me so well. Sometimes I'll just be sitting in a chair, or laying on the grass outside, and Puppy will come along and paw at my hand, or nuzzle my face. She likes being level with me. When I am standing, she stands up, leaning with her two front feet on me, staring up into my face. When I lay on the grass or the floor she goes into fits of joy, for whatever reason. She always wants to be close to me, and it seems like she can never be close enough.
I understand what she wants. She doesn't have to bark at me, or whimper. She doesn't speak any verbal language. But she doesn't just exist either.
She just came and laid her head in my lap and looked up at me with her big brown eyes.
Why can't people exist like this? Why is it so easy to know how an animal is feeling, and yet so impossible to tell what a person is feeling? Is it really impossible, or do we just set up blinders for other people? Or do we just not care?
Everything is right with the world when she's with me.
I had a coffee date with my best friend today. The one who I got into a fight with almost exactly a week ago that ended with her breaking up our 13 year long friendship.
We decided that we really can't live without each other, and that we have a lot of work to do, but that we need each other. Life is ridiculously lonely without each other, even if we can't see each other every day. Knowing the other person is just a phone call away makes all the difference.
Much like with Puppy, everything is right with the world when Kate is with me.
I hope we outgrow this weird limbo our relationship had found itself in as of late. We're not the best friends we have been since the first grade, but we're not the friends who call each other a couple times a year to check in and say 'hey.' We need to figure out what we both want and need out of this relationship, and then things will be alright. I just want the transition from "best friends forever" to "hey, what have you been up to in the last year?" to be smoother than it has been.
I know we can't be the same girls who shared every secret, who when one got in trouble the other was right there with her, who were basically inseparable from the age of 7 on, but we can still be friends. They don't call us Kratechel for nothing.
This growing up thing is really, really hard.
Nine days until life goes back to normal.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Life in a Northern Town
Mighty Mouse died.
I really don't know what to say, because it's just not fair to the poor little baby mouse.
I picked him up out of the cage and held him close for a while, and told him how sorry I am, and promised God that I really tried. I'm not sure I did the right thing, but I tried. And I loved him, and I didn't want anything bad to happen to him.
I took him outside and paced around for a while, trying to think of what to do with him. I saw a big mouse scurry into the bulkhead that leads into the basement. It was probably the most upsetting part of the whole event. I assume this mouse is a relative of mighty mouse, perhaps his mother searching for him.
I searched high and low for her yesterday. Where was she yesterday? So I left his little body in the bulkhead, where he will be safe from bigger animals and I will be able to find him tomorrow to bury him, but where tonight maybe his mom will find him and know that she doesn't have to search anymore.
I don't know anything about mice but I assume they aren't as sentimental as people are. But if my baby went missing and I couldn't find it, I would at least want to know what happened to it.
I'm super sentimental, I know, and probably a big cry baby because when I was holding mighty I was dripping big tears all over him.
I told him that I'm sure God has a special place in the palm of His hand where he can nuzzle his little head, and I'm sure it's true. There has to be something special for innocent little creatures.
All creatures great and small
All things bright and beautiful
All things wise and wonderful
The Lord God made them all
He gave us eyes to see them
He gave us lips to tell
How great is God Almighty
Who has made all things well
When I get upset I turn to my faith. Sometimes it is trying, as no one can ever understand God's motivation. I DO understand the motives of people (most of the time...), and people are most certainly not God, which is why I disagree with much of organized religion. Too many people doing "God's work" and screwing over everyone in the process.
And I would never, EVER, push my faith on another. But when I needed guidance, God was there for me, and my Pastor was there for me, even when I didn't know him. Everything happens for a reason, I just happen to believe that God is everything.
When I hear people say they don't believe in God, I get kind of confused, I'll admit it. But I have been there, and I respect everyone's decision to believe or not believe. It's a free country, it should be a free world. I believe we should all enjoy this life, because life is meant to be enjoyed. Bad things happen to everyone, good and bad. Good things happen to everyone, good and bad. Life is just life. But I do believe there is more.
When my father died, I said on any number of occasions that I hated God. But hating something proves that you believe in it. I hated everything, I hated life I hated death, I hated myself.
I've grown up a lot in the, geez almost 11, years that my father has been dead. I've lived a lot more and experienced a lot more. I don't hate anything anymore, and I attribute the freedom from hate to my faith. And that's just me.
I wasn't in the room when he died. And I'll never forgive myself for that. Ever. My sister was out to dinner with her husband, on her way back. We're both scarred by it, I know. We both know what it is like to have an absent father, so to speak. She was twenty-five when he died, but my father wasn't allowed to father my sister when she was young (her mother made sure of that, we're half sisters, but that's another story). And my father wasn't allowed to father me, as fate would have it.
He was a wonderful man. He never got to hear me play my violin, or play lacrosse, or graduate high school, or move into college. He wasn't there to knock the cigarette out of my hand outside the shop class garage in high school. He wasn't there to teach me how to change the oil on my car, something I had to teach myself. He wasn't there when I had my first kiss, my first date, my first heart break, the first time I broke someone else's heart. He wasn't there to see my big mistakes, my little mistakes, the happiest moments in my life, the saddest moments in my life, the days when I couldn't get out of bed, the days when I couldn't wait to greet the sun with a smile.
He never got to hold his granddaughter, or his grandson. To see their first steps, to hear their first words. To look into their eyes and see his own. To know that he played a little part in the great mystery of it all. To know that, he touched their lives, even though he never knew them.
And all I can do is carry on his memory, his kindness.
Which loops me back around to where I think I began this rant. My father was very much like me, where he couldn't just leave a helpless animal to suffer. I remember, vividly, the time that he found a baby bird in the pool. He build a makeshift nest and left the baby out in the trees behind our house. When we went to check on the baby the next morning, it was gone. Whenever I see a healthy young robin, I think of the bird that was saved. I'm sure its mother found it, and I'm sure it learned how to fly. Because my daddy saved it.
I hope somewhere, my father is proud of me, the way I am still so very proud of him.
I know you tried daddy. All we can ever do is try.
I really don't know what to say, because it's just not fair to the poor little baby mouse.
I picked him up out of the cage and held him close for a while, and told him how sorry I am, and promised God that I really tried. I'm not sure I did the right thing, but I tried. And I loved him, and I didn't want anything bad to happen to him.
I took him outside and paced around for a while, trying to think of what to do with him. I saw a big mouse scurry into the bulkhead that leads into the basement. It was probably the most upsetting part of the whole event. I assume this mouse is a relative of mighty mouse, perhaps his mother searching for him.
I searched high and low for her yesterday. Where was she yesterday? So I left his little body in the bulkhead, where he will be safe from bigger animals and I will be able to find him tomorrow to bury him, but where tonight maybe his mom will find him and know that she doesn't have to search anymore.
I don't know anything about mice but I assume they aren't as sentimental as people are. But if my baby went missing and I couldn't find it, I would at least want to know what happened to it.
I'm super sentimental, I know, and probably a big cry baby because when I was holding mighty I was dripping big tears all over him.
I told him that I'm sure God has a special place in the palm of His hand where he can nuzzle his little head, and I'm sure it's true. There has to be something special for innocent little creatures.
All creatures great and small
All things bright and beautiful
All things wise and wonderful
The Lord God made them all
He gave us eyes to see them
He gave us lips to tell
How great is God Almighty
Who has made all things well
When I get upset I turn to my faith. Sometimes it is trying, as no one can ever understand God's motivation. I DO understand the motives of people (most of the time...), and people are most certainly not God, which is why I disagree with much of organized religion. Too many people doing "God's work" and screwing over everyone in the process.
And I would never, EVER, push my faith on another. But when I needed guidance, God was there for me, and my Pastor was there for me, even when I didn't know him. Everything happens for a reason, I just happen to believe that God is everything.
When I hear people say they don't believe in God, I get kind of confused, I'll admit it. But I have been there, and I respect everyone's decision to believe or not believe. It's a free country, it should be a free world. I believe we should all enjoy this life, because life is meant to be enjoyed. Bad things happen to everyone, good and bad. Good things happen to everyone, good and bad. Life is just life. But I do believe there is more.
When my father died, I said on any number of occasions that I hated God. But hating something proves that you believe in it. I hated everything, I hated life I hated death, I hated myself.
I've grown up a lot in the, geez almost 11, years that my father has been dead. I've lived a lot more and experienced a lot more. I don't hate anything anymore, and I attribute the freedom from hate to my faith. And that's just me.
I wasn't in the room when he died. And I'll never forgive myself for that. Ever. My sister was out to dinner with her husband, on her way back. We're both scarred by it, I know. We both know what it is like to have an absent father, so to speak. She was twenty-five when he died, but my father wasn't allowed to father my sister when she was young (her mother made sure of that, we're half sisters, but that's another story). And my father wasn't allowed to father me, as fate would have it.
He was a wonderful man. He never got to hear me play my violin, or play lacrosse, or graduate high school, or move into college. He wasn't there to knock the cigarette out of my hand outside the shop class garage in high school. He wasn't there to teach me how to change the oil on my car, something I had to teach myself. He wasn't there when I had my first kiss, my first date, my first heart break, the first time I broke someone else's heart. He wasn't there to see my big mistakes, my little mistakes, the happiest moments in my life, the saddest moments in my life, the days when I couldn't get out of bed, the days when I couldn't wait to greet the sun with a smile.
He never got to hold his granddaughter, or his grandson. To see their first steps, to hear their first words. To look into their eyes and see his own. To know that he played a little part in the great mystery of it all. To know that, he touched their lives, even though he never knew them.
And all I can do is carry on his memory, his kindness.
Which loops me back around to where I think I began this rant. My father was very much like me, where he couldn't just leave a helpless animal to suffer. I remember, vividly, the time that he found a baby bird in the pool. He build a makeshift nest and left the baby out in the trees behind our house. When we went to check on the baby the next morning, it was gone. Whenever I see a healthy young robin, I think of the bird that was saved. I'm sure its mother found it, and I'm sure it learned how to fly. Because my daddy saved it.
I hope somewhere, my father is proud of me, the way I am still so very proud of him.
I know you tried daddy. All we can ever do is try.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)